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#i've known since i was a kid that my dad was overtly abusive but
heyitsphoenixx
·
1 month
Text
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#personal vent incoming to just get off my chest don't be weird about it
#i've known since i was a kid that my dad was overtly abusive but
#just in the last 3-5 months i've learned my mom was and currently is almost just as abusive
#but she's just covert about it instead
#all of my adolescence was about surviving my dad who was so obviously a monster that he was almost easier to deal w in a way by comparison
#this is. what an utter mind fuck
#there's also like. no member of my family that i can turn to for help
#bc they're either just as bad or my mother has ruined any relationship i might have w them over time
#and i also fear being a burden
#so i'm making a plan to get out but god it's overwhelming thinking about doing it all alone
#and the thought that it might take years to actually get out or get healthy
#she's kept me isolated from any support for so long
#and im afraid any family that could possibly help wouldn't fully understand or they would be just as bad as her
#and it feels impossible to progress at all bc im living w her and literally filed as her dependent on taxes
#like ik this is gonna be the hardest thing to escape in my life and i've already escaped a lot
#but this time i have to largely on my own
#is v scary
#and she's conditioned me to believe that i can't make any right decisions on my own without her
#and that anything i do is always 'backwards'
#makes it that much harder to make a clear plan
#her work schedule is so inconsistent that it makes getting therapy online (since i don't have a license or car yet) nearly impossible
#to do it without her or my brother listening
#that i've just felt trapped for years
#but. i can Tell i'm getting better now and rapidly. more than i've been for a v long time
#so the process is just beginning and i think even she can tell
#which is also dangerous
#but ik i can do this its just the amount of time and effort and organizing behind her back and doing it alone thats v overwhelming
#but anyway
#we stay silly
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