#idk but i love to think fry tried this on someone vulnerable a

[excvlsior]

about: *rosa samuels.

basics.

full name: rosalind florence samuels meaning of name: rosalind = ‘pretty rose’, florence = ‘blossoming in faith’ nickname: rosa, rosie by a rare few age: 21 date of birth: august 6, 1999 hometown: rochester, new york nationality: american ethnicity: honestly idk where the samuels r originally from bt they’re definitely whitey’s from europe gender: cis-female sexuality: bisexual spoken languages: english, fairly fluent in french and spanish as well profession: just a student tbh

appearance.

height: 5′9″ eye colour: blue hair colour: strawberry blonde voice: fairly deep and raspy i’d say........ soft spoken but loud at the same time idk hw she does it jst truly projects when she speaks its impressive tattoos: blue heart inside her ring finger, matching with lana and freya piercings: two piercings per lobe, right cartilage clothing style: big shirt big pant combo to the max. lots of baggy sweaters, usually bright, her fav is her rainbow turtleneck, likes baggy pants a lot too mostly corduroys, has a lot of overalls, doesn’t really like dresses or skirts in the slightest

health.

physical ailments: endometriosis neurological conditions: anxiety, ptsd allergies: dust sleeping habits: used to have a pretty regular sleep schedule Before everything that happened w tatiana now she’s a bit more as the kids say, self destructive but tries to get like at least a good 6 hours if she can exercise habits: she doesn’t rly at all unless it’s like when she attempts to roller blade or occasionally rides her bike but i dnt think she’s ever gone out of her way to exercise sociability: pretty fkin introverted n doesn’t rly like/wanna be around most people.......... she’s that friend where after a sleepover the next morning when the ppl hosting r like ok i planned a nice day fr us :D she’ll already b packing her bag like. i cannot. i will see u in a week. drink / smoke / drugs: yes / no / super rarely

personality.

positive traits: ambitious, daring, eloquent, genuine, humble, independent, meticulous, passionate, resourceful, tough, witty negative traits: abrasive, blunt, coarse, erratic, hostile, judgmental, overemotional, paranoid, ruthless goals/desires: she wants to be a prof really badly, really wants to know what happened to tatiana (rip sis), plans on traveling the world once she’s graduated hopefully with her best friends, she’d like to be more open and responsive to ppl one day bt . baby steps. fears: being vulnerable with people who don’t deserve it, the Male Gaze, men in general frankly >_>, living an unsatisfying life hobbies: rollerblading, painting, knitting, baking, singing<3 get it open mic night hosting queen, in the uni’s planet earth club, student government, thts all i can think of rn bye habits: lots of eye rolling (rude ass), purposely starts to stand with proper posture when she’s trying to ‘talk down’ to someone, plays with the tips of her fingers a lot, chews the skin of her bottom lip, also chews on pencils a lot when she’s deep in thought, openly flinches and/or glares when someone touches her that she doesn’t know well/likes

favourites.

weather: when it’s snowy but without wind chill so the air’s crisp and pretty from falling snow but not overly freezing colour: pink and purple music: a lot of alternative/indie stuff, hozier, florence + the machine, the 1975, also into boy bands/girl groups, spice girls, backstreet boys, one direction, a sucker for them all. movies: dramatic romances tbh, the twilight series being a big fav bc she’s a woman of taste food: stir fry<3, trying to become a vegetarian even tho she’s not even close to being one so she eats a lot of stir fry n will b like i love my vegetarian diet<3 then eat a cheeseburger 2 hours later drink: hot chocolate, red wine

relationships.

father: john samuels, he’s a pastor (blegh) but rosa’s a total daddy’s girl (hate that term jst gave myself the ick) n she knows it, grew up super close to her dad n their relationship is only jst starting to become a bit strained now tht she’s being a bit more adventurous and taking advantage of her freedom but they’re still pretty cool mother: i dnt think . james n i ever discussed wht their moms name is bt either way her n rosa r nowhere near as close as she is w her dad.......... her moms jst a bit disappointed shes not the Elegant Lady she expected of rosa n is a bit put off by her tomboyish ways bt their relationships more We Ignore Each Other than actual confrontations siblings: viktor<3 hey king, tatiana (rip queen) pets: i dnt think they hv any........... significant other: n/a family’s financial status: like pretty . middle class i think

extra.

zodiac sign: leo mbti: istp - the virtuoso enneagram: the investigator temperament: choleric hogwarts house: ravenclaw moral alignment: chaotic good primary vice: pride primary virtue: dilligence element: earth

#muse | rosa samuels. #lov u queen<3

[indulgnces]

hello! it’s jess again with my new final girl bb brooke under the cut! (AHS 1984 SPOILERS!) I’m playing her pre-prison for the most part, but legit after this next episode there are gonna be some new attributes given to her, so I’ll circle back and change as needed after Wednesday!

❛  ( LILY COLLINS )  ◈  dude, shut up ! BROOKE THOMPSON from AHS: 1984 is on screen. their fans swear they’re just COMPASSIONATE & CLEVER, but we’ve all seen their RESERVED & SKEPTICAL side ! according to TRUMAN WIKIA, they’re TWENTY-FOUR years old, CLOSETED BISEXUAL, & identify as CISFEMALE ( SHE/HER ). they’re currently a VETERINARY ASSISTANT & are CONFUSED about life in truman. luckily they have THEIR ENGAGEMENT RING AND HER KNIFE with them & can visit THE ROLLER RINK whenever they want. penned by JESS.

so her bio is always subject to change depending on what happens, as her show is currently airing, so a final version of her won’t come around for another couple weeks. but below is a sketch of my sweet & badass final girl brooke thompson (spoiler warning for ahs 1984!!)

CANON LIFE 

(gun tw, murder tw)

“I, uh I had this dumb idea, this, this dream to-” “To be somebody?” “No. To be nobody.....I pretended for so long to be somebody that I wasn't. Now I don't even know who I am.”

was a smart child who liked to learn. top of her all her classes. goodie-goodie who I wouldn’t call a nerd or a teacher’s pet, just like a prepared student who kept to herself and aced all her shit

things were smooth but then there was this entitled jerky bad Nice Guy who kept coming in 2nd behind her, and instead of pushing himself to idk be smarter than brooke and be on top on his own, he bitched and straight up stopped talking to brooke

that wasn’t enough for the baby tho, and so he convinced everyone else in their class to stop talking to brooke too. fucking iced out by her entire class

brooke did not like that. v much did not like that. she is a bit of a people pleaser, and can be easily peer pressured, and the idea of people thinking of her in a negative light, the idea that she was making other people mad or upset for some reason, didn’t set well with her, so she started to fail on purpose

pretended to be dumber than she was until she fell into the #2 spot, then the icing out stopped and the mean Nice Guy asked brooke out and ....she said yes bc well, why not?

flash forward and he’s asking her to marry him and she says yes for the same reasons before and though they’ve been together for years, they’ve never had sex/were saving themselves 

did i forget to mention Nice Guy was a jealous guy? i feel like that was implied, but yeah he was a v jealous boy, and during their wedding he accused brooke of sleeping with his best man sam duke (montana’s brother wassup), then proceeded to shoot sam, brooke’s dad when he tried to protect brooke, and then aimed that gun at brooke before shooting himself instead

#traumatized 

brooke got the hell out of dodge after that. didn’t want to be that girl anymore. didn’t want to be the Smart Girl or the Girl Who Slept With Her Fiance’s Best Man or the Girl With The Crazy Fiance or the Girl With The Murder Wedding like she just didn’t want to be anybody, wanted to blend into a crowd of strangers and disappear

where better to do that than los angeles? 

moved to la, got into santa monica college to take classes towards becoming a veterinarian assistant, was just gonna chill

then the night stalker decided to break into her apartment and try to kill her, but she’s got Balls and is clever when in danger, so she beat him with a frying pan and made a lot of noise and her neighbors heard and saved her life so #bless

decided again to get the hell out of dodge and go with a group of new friends to be a camp counselor at camp redwood for the summer because fun!!!! and safety, mostly

except not fun OR safe bc their first night there and she’s nearly killed by THREE killers (richard, mr.jingles, and fucking MONTANA) on separate occasions, had a traumatized night all around, and when daylight broke, she managed to kill that bitch montana in an act of self defense

bad timing tho bc she gutted her when a bus full of children were driving by, so like, not a good look, and then that bitch camp owner & true serial killer psycho margaret decided to pin all the murders on brooke so (upside down smile face emoji yknow the one)

brooke was found guilty and, after five years in jail, was sentenced to death by lethal injection

sentence was carried, brooke died an Absolute Boss, giving no fucks to richard (this man terrified her before and now she doesnt give two shits my gIRL!!), spitting at margaret, just being a badass, and then afterwards donna gave her a dose of adrenaline and brought my girl back to life

donna brought her back to health, and during that time brooke bonded and began to trust her. she also found out about margaret returning to camp redwood for a festival, and has made it her mission to go back and gut that lying bitch for the hell she put her through before she can go on with her life

also on her one day of fun out of the hotel after her recovery, she had a brief run in with a psycho serial killer bc (donna &) brooke’s apparently just serial killer BAIT, but guess what? just like every time before my girl used her fucking brain and got both her and donna out of their situation, and because she’s a badass now, she didn’t run away this time, instead she stayed and finished the job - opting to tie the psycho up and cut off his hitchhiking thumbs like a fucking BOSS i love her

now walking the way to redwood with her girl donna

and that’s everything of brooke thus far in canon! I’ll add more when the series ends!

FUN FACTS & HEADCANONS

did not sleep with sam, thank you very much

lost her virginity to ray, the ghost, during that traumatizing night at redwood and it was only Okay

was kissed by montana during that traumatizing night before it came to light that montana fucking hated her guts, and um that split second kiss did more for her than sex with ray? (no tea no shade ray you got a shudder or two out of her okay (but not the o oof)) brooke didn’t know she could feel that way towards women until montana kissed her and that shit SCARED her so she freaked and ran

so you know how brooke told donna not to kill that psycho killer who tried to kill them when they were on the road? it wasn’t because she wanted to torture him. it’s because she didn’t want donna to have to go through the trauma of killing somebody. bc even though she knows she was justified in killing montana, and she had to do it to save her life, she still went through the trauma of knowing she ended someone’s life, and she compassionate and doesn’t want her friend to deal with it either. she’s not about that murder game now, she’s not gonna kill if she don’t have to. but she’s not the same as she was before, not gonna let ppl get off scotch free - aka why she took the man’s thumbs & tied him up: punishment for what he did, and she left him there vulnerable to either die, or more likely: be found by a passing car, and face the punishment for what he did

girl really is serial killer bait though. idk what it is. when she was an innocent girl just trying to get through life? encountered her joey her fiance (killed 3 ppl including himself), ramirez (killed 13? people and counting), montana (psycho killed at least 2 people, presumably more, and counting), and mr. jingles (killed 5+ people) - most of who just wanted to kill her to killer her. then she became a bad bitch. and again, serials killers took an interest in her, with both ramirez & psycho bruce hitchhiker both amused by her new thick skin smhhh, girl can’t catch a break one way or another with these killers.

TRUMAN

“I don’t know what’s real. I- I don’t even trust myself.”

ah, truman, brooke has been utterly confused about truman

because brooke, she buys the story the actors have told her 

okay, so she moved to truman after the Red Wedding nightmare, okay, sure

but like, she spent five years in jail for crimes she didn’t commit, and that shit has left an IMPRESSION on this girl and so she’s also like, something doesn’t add up

but she’s not suspicious by nature, and she’ll believe what she’s been told, because why rock the boat and say otherwise? 

so she got her degree in truman in biology, with intentions to pursue veterinary school for her doctorate and obtain her license, and she hasn’t spoken her doubts aloud 

but like, LATELY (*cough* with the season’s premiere *cough*), babe’s been more confused than usual, with intense bouts of memories coming back to her

and she’s expressed these distressing memories to the actors, who act the same way the redwood crew did to her when she told them she was being chased by mr.jingles that first episode: they mocked and laughed her off, got her to believe what they needed her to

but just like redwood, with each passing week the memories won’t stop, and she’s been Distressed and then her PRISON EPISODE hit her and the sensation of dying has fully convinced her that these are not just dreams, these events are real, and she’s not sure how to process it

since the memories have returned, her new experiences and thick skin from prison has returned, making her wary of strangers once again, but it’s battling with her current perception of the world, and it’s all especially especially in this place that’s filled with people trying to tell her that’s she crazy for her memories

PERSONALITY

okay so, before prison? girl was naive and dependent and trusting and believed n the best of people. she got scared easy, had trouble being alone at night, and relied on the people around her for protection in life. she went with the flow and had little agency in her life, as she allowed her controlling fiance to p much dictate her life tbh 

before prison but after her red wedding, brooke became more reserved then usual, because she had an intense desire to be alone, and to be away from the stigmas and the reputation she had in her old life following the nightmare event. it was her first taste of independence, though she was still dependent in nature, as the second a group of friends came into her life, she found herself following their lead, tagging along.

after prison? total change. five years - NO, 1825 DAYS - in prison absolutely changed her. she looked back at her life and that night and realized she was too trusting. she got warnings and scares multiple times that day and night at redwood, from the gas station employee to the hitchhiker to the mystery phone call to the news report to LITERALLY BEING CHASED and she still didn’t follow her gut - instead she tried to do what everyone else around her told her to do, which was relax because she was supposedly being paranoid. if she had pushed, if she had the nerve to walk away even, none of this would have happened. and she hates herself for that. 

she spent five years as an innocent victim with scary guilty criminals, and she grew a thick skin as a result. lost her innocence and her wide-eyed charm. 

not she’s skeptical, and even more reserved than before, and wary to strangers. she’s still compassionate and helpful, still feels for people and had an urge to help, but she doesn’t follow those urges as helplessly as she did before. she trusts her gut more.

carries around a knife too because, as said earlier, she’s some kinda magnet for killers and you can never be too safe!

I called her clever because my girl, when in life and death situations,is SO FUCKING SMART like she does not go out without a fight and it’s never full on “imma hit you with my fists” its “let me see what I have around me at my disposal” like she is smart and she is quick to grasp a new situation when her life is in peril, she out here wielding frying pans and canoe paddles and using two serials killers pushing her around in a net as momentum to grab a tree and climb out of her net like she’s so smart

when her life is not in peril, though, she be doing dumb shit like sleeping with her window open KNOWING serial killers take advantage of that shit and answering creepy pay phones in the middle of the night so, shes a naive bitch too

positive: compassionate, determined, honest, clever, resourceful, helpful, kind

negative: reserved, skeptical, resentful, paranoid, tense, touchy, withdrawn

SUBJECT TO CHANGE! as the season progresses.

CANON CONNECTIONS

i basically love brooke with all of the redwood gang tbh

montana? love it. angsty dark shit im game. xavier? love it. soft as fuuuck. richard? game, tell him to fuck off sis he don’t scare you no more. donna? bet, I need this badass duo in my life!!! chet? adorable babies, let them share more marshmallows together. ray? also cute, he may be a coward but he was soft with her so!, trevor? #letsmakebrookeblush2k19 bc that big dick interaction was funny and I wanted more moments of blushing virgin brooke becoming speechless around trevor (and montana, or the ultimate combo of trevor & montana) during a summer at redwood bUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED 

anyways

TRUMAN CONNECTIONS

once again, I’ll probs post smth separate for her connections!

and yeah! that’s everything on my new girl! if you’ve made it this far, you’re still the best my dudes!! if you’d like to do any kind of plotting with my girl, just go ahead and hit that like button, and I’ll slide in y’alls dms! ♥

#truman:intro #intro #face is subject to change as I feel lily out for her #i also didnt proof this so #ahs spoilers

[perfectlyrose]

4. Nine/Rose. Maybe Rose trying to soothe Nine after he's been drugged on a trip? The effects have kicked in after they've reached the TARDIS and he's a bit childlike. (Idk, first thing that sentence made me think of. I love vunerable Nine.)

Counterspell

The Doctor gets himself into trouble with a wizard in the marketplace and it’s up to Rose to undo the curse he was hit with. 

Part of the Everyday Magic ‘verse but can mostly be read separately.

Prompt: “Come here. Let me fix it.”

AO3

“Come on, Doctor,” Rose urged, leading him away from the console room so he’d stop trying to fiddle with the controls. She had no idea what most of those buttons and switches did and she didn’t want to find out anything nasty about them by accident. “We need to get you better.”

He leaned on her heavily, goofy smile stretched across his face as he looked down at her. “Where are we going?”

“We’re going to my room.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re sick and I need to get you somewhere safe so I can make sure you get better,” Rose explained patiently. They’d already had this conversation once.

“Shouldn’t I go to the medbay if I’m sick? I think I know the way.” He tried to disentangle himself from her to head down a corridor that definitely did not lead to the medbay.

“No, no, no, no,” Rose said, pulling him back to her. “You’re not that kind of sick.”

His confused expression was adorable. Rose knew she would enjoy it more if he wasn’t so vulnerable and not himself at this moment. “What kind of sick am I, then?”

“The kind that I can fix in my room. Remember, the TARDIS let me ward the walls of my room for safety so I need to get you there so I can de-spell you.”

“Magic?”

“Yes magic. You pissed off a wizard good and proper back in the market and he decided to curse you. I think it was meant to scramble your mind but he wasn’t counting on you being all Time Lord-y so it’s just made you loopy,” Rose explained. 

That was the best explanation she had at the moment. She’d threatened the wizard within an inch of his life, promising to unleash her own curses on him that he’d never be able to break unless he told her the counterspell to what he’d done to the Doctor.

He’d been shaking by the time she stalked off with the Doctor in tow, and the counterspell written down in her pocket.

“Rose, have I told you how fantastic it is that you’re magical? I’ve never seen anything like it! Especially when you go all glowy and gold. Feels important.”

“Mhm, because that makes sense,” she grumbled. “You might get to see me go all glowy very soon, we just need to get to my room.”

They were close but it was slow going still.

“I mean it, Rose,” he said earnestly. “Means a lot that you trusted me with your magic.

It was so not fair that he was being so open when he was half out of his mind and she had to fix him. “Well, thanks for not freaking out about it too much. Hopefully you stay not freaking out when you realize you’ve actually been cursed.”

Finally they were at the door to her room. “Alright, in you go,” Rose said, pushing him across the threshold. He stumbled inside and straight to her bed where he plopped down.

Rose closed the door and pulled the counterspell out of her pocket. “Okay, Doctor. I’m going to try this spell and I need you to stay where you are until I ask you to come here, yeah?”

He nodded, watching her raptly.

Rose took a deep breath and read through the notes. It was possibly a dodgy spell and she had almost no experience in curse breaking but she had to get the Doctor back to himself.

She started reading the words of the spell, going slowly so she didn’t stumble over the unfamiliar sounds. Rose moved her hand in the shapes of the symbols that accompanied the words and felt the power start sparking in her veins, knew she was starting to glow.

She reached the end of the spell and felt the potential of her spell sitting in the palm of her hand, waiting for her to use it. It was unlike any other feeling she’d experienced with the spells she knew but she instinctively knew how to proceed.

Rose reached out her hand to the Doctor. “Come here. Let me fix it.”

He stood, looking mesmerized by the sight of her. She could see gold reflecting in his blue eyes and thought she must be glowing more than she normally did during a difficult spell.

The Doctor took her hand, twining their fingers together and Rose pushed the magic into him, sending the pure light searing through his veins to eradicate the curse that had taken hold.

Rose sagged against him as the magic left her, completely drained. She felt his hand come up to tentatively stroke her hair.

“Rose?” 

She smiled into his chest at the sound of his voice. She’d done it, he was back to his normal self.

“Rose, are you alright?”

“Should be asking you that,” she mumbled.

“I’m not the one who can barely stand right now,” he shot back, maneuvering them back to her bed so she could sit.

“I’m fine, just tired. Don’t normally use that much magic at once, curse was stronger than I thought and so was the counterspell,” she said, nuzzling into his chest. “Worked though.”

“Were you worried?”

She nodded.

“Thanks for taking care of me, Rose.”

“You’re welcome. Lucky you keep a witch around. Honestly, don’t know how you haven’t gotten cursed by someone before now,” she mused.

“Might have been, just didn’t know it was a curse,” he said with a laugh. “Feel back to myself now though. Let me take care of you now?”

“Okay. I just need some sleep right now but I’m going to be hungry when I wake up.” She paused before continuing with a warning. “Really hungry.”

He laughed again. “I can do a fry up with as much food as you want.”

“Perfect. Now go make sure Jack didn’t manage to get cursed in the market too. We lost him before you wandered into trouble,” Rose said through a yawn.

“Rose Tyler, are you saying I’m jeopardy friendly?”

“Yes.”

His lips quirked up in a smile. “Get some sleep. I’ll have food and tea when you wake up.”

She crawled up the bed and settled under the duvet. The Doctor helped situate the blankets and then leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Thank you, Rose,” he said quietly.

She was asleep by the time he got to the door. He mentally asked the TARDIS to let him know when she started to wake up so he could start cooking and then closed the door behind him.

He had to go find Jack and come up with a story for why Rose was so knackered. The Doctor had meant it when he’d told her that it meant a lot to him that she trusted him with her secret and he certainly wasn’t going to jeopardize it by talking to Jack without a plan.

He rather hoped the other man would make himself scarce when Rose woke up so that the two of them could talk about what had happened. He was bursting with questions that he knew only Rose could answer and he couldn’t wait to start asking them.

#ficandchips #nine x rose #doctorroseprompts #everyday magic verse #wheee so does anyone remember this verse? #that i haven't updated in two years? :) :) #anon #kelsey answers #i wrote this

[killedbycorona]

you really do not have to read my post or say anything -I need to say things. Maybe read the link. just stay inside please. and put up your protection before reading this if you can. This took 45 minutes to write and I don’t care if it means anything or not. I don’t have a blog. Be kind.

~

AHAH WOW THIS WORDS THIS REALLY EXACTLY MY EXPERIENCE WOW. I explained to my mom how when we went from zoom funeral to zoom shiva to zoom Passover to nothing, it didn’t feel complete or valid. She said, “of course not, you watched it over zoom.” Wow fuck I have not talked about this enough (two weeks of his passing today). I was in the funeral over zoom with others (I can’t remember the count). The day before, we had gone over writing his eulogy over Zoom. *I didn’t get to speak at my own father’s funeral because people wouldn’t be able to hear me over Zoom and they all had to be distanced and no one was going to bring a speaker.* I watched others bury my father and I did not get to. I took a screenshot that lives in the same camera roll as memes of a blurry video of his casket with his GD record on it, a trowel, our late cat’s paw print and other things that I couldn’t make out. The Zoom call ended and I was left in the dark away from my family. I tried FaceTiming everyone and started panicking. Luckily, my aunt had her phone and I called in. *I could not be alone with my father six feet under ground because I had to have someone hold the phone.* We hung up and everyone drove away and I can’t remember what I did after that.

My father, who survived 9/11 by taking the later train that morning to his job, two blocks away, died from this virus in three weeks. I’m grateful for our 19 extra years together.

I know many people are talking about the curve being flattened and going outside again. PLEASE DO NOT. Please, do not make the same mistakes we did. “What if he hadn’t gone to work that week like Harris suggested?””What if he wasn’t in a poorly insulated room and was moving more?””What if was in a different hospital?” We know nothing about this plague. We know no cure. We do not know who survived this round and gets it the next and won’t survive. Please, I don’t want any of you to experience this trauma that I am in and will be in for so so long. Maybe my frustration is misplaced. I feel incredibly angry and to see others risk themselves and others with no regard makes it so much worse. An US problem, not a ME problem. US. Take care of each other.

My mom said that when war starts, the first round of soldiers die first and eventually the war ends. My dad was that first round. I am so scared for all the feelings that will arise as I watch the world cure from this. I guess I really derailed and went off topic since this was about zoom funerals. Don’t worry, I’m finding someone to talk to about this. I know no anger will bring him back and I know I’m mixing that with anger towards irresponsible fools. Please don’t be irresponsible.

I keep trying to not backtrack it to who gave it to him because what is the use. I don’t understand my process so much. This article really triggered me. I was in this daze today of “my new reality is people are extra nice to me because they are sad in quarantine.” Nah, it’s because I’m a kid without their father’s guiding light through this pandemic and the rest of their life. I get it, he’s always with me. But he isn’t. Not in the same way and that needs to be acknowledged first or too. I keep saying “stay inside, no one deserves to go through what I’m going through.” ***I do not deserve what I’m going through. But I’m here.*** And I’m really pissed at god and the whole damn universe right about now and the cliches are hurting me to the same degree they’re helping me. I wish I wasn’t in this pain. I wish my dad didn’t die. I wish anyone understood but I’m not about to reach out to this stranger in south jersey who is in their own grief process. Everyone saying they’re bored in quarantine. God what I wouldn’t do to be just bored in quarantine. Even if I was fighting with him, I would take that. I was bedridden with depression for 7 months in 2016. I know what this is like AND I get to experience all the shit of this pandemic, too. I’m not excused of the boredom or fear or panic or helplessness or anything. I get it all! Woohoo!! My head hurts too much to scream. I ache all the time and the panic is right under the surface just waited to be poked at to come out. I don’t care about Facebook etiquette. I don’t care to be seen as brave or vulnerable or strong or any of these really nice things. I don’t feel brave for losing my dad??? Or brave for how I share my grief on the internet. If anything, I have underlying shame about the mess I’m being publicly. I guess I care about Facebook etiquette.

My dad is gone and I am a lost child who doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it. *I don’t want zoom with a therapist in the same room I had the zoom funeral in in the same room I sleep in.* I want to leave my container and be held and I don’t get that. I hate being a victim but I fucking am a victim to this horrible disgusting killing machine. The statistics look like some mindless game but they’re real. I see them and know he’s gone, but not the last person I’ll lose to it. I already lost another person to it a week later! I don’t let it out and there’s no way to let it out when you’re snowed in in a basement apartment and can’t be in a therapist’s office. I can’t go home -it’s unsafe to travel, I can’t be in his home without him there, I don’t know if the virus would kill me, too. I really want a cat. I’m happy he and Hutch are together because they really were the sweetest and most loving beings around. Every story of either of them has been positive. I hope to continue that legacy and if I give any reason to give you an ill memory of us, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

I am grieving completely sober. I’m feeling so much all at once and the one truth remains the same: I wish I could talk to him. He wouldn’t know what to say, but he’d be here and familiar and my parent and care in his most amazing special ever growing way. I don’t want to raise myself or do this without him. I don’t want to do this without him. I don’t want to do this.

Please stay safe. Please call or FaceTime whenever. I’ll most likely call back or be too anxious and tell you I need to get off the phone. Texting really doesn’t do much for me and I won’t reach out until I’m caught in a moment and even then I might not. Take initiative with me if you can. I wake up after 2pm and fall asleep between 4-6am. I have class some nights. Can’t do Wednesday’s between 5pm-9pm my time. Sorry my brain is rotting and frying and neurotic and stupid right now. Idk if anyone has the capacity to care to the degree of what I’m feeling. Community care - a different person to hold a little rock instead of one person to hold a mountain. I can pay someone to hold a boulder though.

Everything is wrong and you won’t fix that. But maybe you can walk by my side and not have to watch me carry this all on my shoulders. Maybe we can just find a moment to not be in this or be fully in this and have it not be this fucking awful or this lonely. Maybe we can go further than lightly touching the surface so delicately and vaguely and not bullshit it. I don’t know I need help some times and other times I’m fine until I’m poked. I was poked.

Ok this is long enough. I wish harry styles or frank ocean could distract me forever or take me to dinner so I can thank them and have a hello and goodbye with heroes the way I didn’t get to with dad. I wish I had a cat and my hair was white and eyes blue and I could waterbend and I could play records and drive a moped and travel the world and be in music videos and play music and perform and dance in a class and make art and get into floral design and celebrate mom’s big birthday which we’ve been talking about since October but is in June and do everything I never got to do with him here that he believed in me to able to do and wanting me to do. I wish I did it all then so he could see how fucking cool it was and I could show him pictures and have him judge whether to frame them or not. He was learning guitar. I wish I sang with him to him playing something sweet. I wish I took him to red rocks. I was going to take him to Harry Styles but for whatever reason, I bought no tickets for anything this year. Maybe I knew. He was going to see the Grateful Dead in August. There’s nothing fair about this and nothing I wouldn’t do to bring him back and life is cruel and doesn’t work like that. Life is really fucking cruel. I’ve done so much work and maybe it prepared me to be here but it really didn’t. What sort of punishment did I ask for. What did any of us do to have this bright man taken away. What if anything. Anyways, stay inside and have a good night. I’ll be understood one day I think. See you all on zoom.

https://www.technologyreview.com/2020/04/13/999348/covid-19-grief-zoom-funerals/

#posted on facebook #4.18.2029