#idk feeling gross! feeling. extremely. just repulsive? and unable to imagine any world where i have any appeal n the like. thought that mayb

[strawbebyjam]

thinking abt how agar tum saath ho was my oh-god-i-hope-i-never-feel-like-that song and now it’s the oh-shit-that’s-where-things-are-and-will-stay song

#i love it here! #i know i can’t change anything but like #idk wish i’d never heard these sobgs in the first place #cause now they just randomly loop in my brain til i cry even though i’m actively avoiding listening to them??? help #like mitski hadestown and sad desi music are literally. earworming to no end as if i am not already wrecked enough HDJDHDDH #it’s been like. barely a month i thh #i think or two months i’m not sure but it feels like i’ve been stuck in this. gross heartbroken version of myself for a year. like time #feels so criminally warped HDJDHD it sucks? i feel so pathetic like #on the one hand i don’t wanna discount that the person that ends things can also feel a lot of pain and i know things aren’t sunshine on #either side but on the other hand i do feel like i’m the one who’s more. like. i’m not hurting more there’s not really a gauge for that but #i feel like i’m definitely more pathetic HDNDHDHD #like they must see me and think. holy shit. how did i ever love that mess. yknow. like #idk feeling gross! feeling. extremely. just repulsive? and unable to imagine any world where i have any appeal n the like. thought that mayb #maybe that’s what they see too when they look back has been. stuck in mu head on top of all else and it makes everything so mych worse #i wanna be good avout all this so bafly and i keep failing and i dont know what yo do with muself #everytime i try to do something thats supposed yo be good or healthy it feels so. horrible #ive didappointed so many people i jnkw that and i dont beed like. msuic and shit to remind me i already feel like im at rock bottom #neg #mano.mindtalk #tonight is. very not great GDJDHDHD