#idk fhsdgjkl this doesnt make sense probably but im just

[piplupod]

the urge to change my name and make a new account to have a fresh clean slate is so big off and on lately djfjkl idk why

i would miss friends and mutuals though and followers i see in my activity feed so i won't do that but like. i kind of wish i could like. not be held down so much by how i feel ppl perceive me, i want to say things or do things that would be considered "out of character" bc i have a lot of shifts going on in brain rn (like things are shuffling around and being re-organized almost?) and i just want to be able to let myself exist without feeling like i need to be consistent fdsfjkl

idk if that makes sense. i probably won't be posting anything to do with that here until its more concrete and i can slowly shift towards that instead of the current state of being, but also i really wish i could share the cool things i'm realizing or piecing together or thinking about, but i just feel like it would be weird or cringe or whatever. but god i feel like this might be really healthy finally and i might be able to like,,, not be literally constantly running shame and suicide in the background of my brain, those might be able to shut down for a bit which would be so nice

#idk fhsdgjkl this doesnt make sense probably but im just #things are changing in brain finally i think and im able to explore it a bit better and learn to work with it #this brain is definitely not anywhere near normal or average which. makes sense. traumatized child setting things up for life and- #-then add dissociative disorder on top of that and all the egostates or whatever not coming together like theyre supposed to and now #you've got scattered pieces all across the board #also i think there IS an inner world more than what i've realized but i've been unable to see it properly or access it bc of my- #frankly insane amounts of shame. like it would've been extremely distressing for me to realize i had that before now #it is still a little scary and distressing which is why i can't like. access it still but i have been feeling glimpses of it #maybe im making this all up idk but... it doesnt feel like when i make things up fdsjkl it feels like when theres smth true that- #-i dont want to acknowledge is true. like im trying to shove it away and pretend it doesnt exist bc im ashamed and feel cringe #but it isn't going away so. i would like to try to work with it #and just let myself be curious instead of ashamed #maybe i'll post on our system sideblog about things idk fsgjkl it feels too public here but i DO want to share bc its interesting- #-and god knows i can't journal for the life of me (there is... trauma around that) so dsgjkl maybe that would work best #okay cool i'll stop rambling about DID and brain stuff bc ppl will think im being weird probably fshdfjkl thats why i never talk about it- #-here bc i know its seen as ''cringe'' to have this disorder and its weird and strange and not normal #which yknow. it isn't normal. it is a bit strange. but thats trauma babeyyy lmao #but i just . dont want ppl to think badly of me. unfortunately the others in system dont think that way and dont care so they post here LOL #SO much more than i post about things which is totally fair and i'm not going to get upset at them bc i DO need to work thru this shame #its unhealthy for me and also it can be harmful for OTHER pwDID/systems if im being embarrassed about having this disorder #okay im done now for real HDHGJKL sorry abt the ramble #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #delete later probably