#idk man im like. high and the hd release is out so it feels like Christmas but this shit has been on my mind and its at like a precipice | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

llonelywater · 6 years

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i have never once made the mistake of equating other people’s tolerance and kindness to my competence. like i am 99.9% sure the only reason why i didnt get cut off halfway/ grilled during my morning round presentation was bc the dr was too nice and polite and not bc of any faultlessness on my part (within reasonable limits i guess i.e. tolerating my incompetence insofar as it doesnt impede patient care) i guess what im trying to say is that there’s always some way to improve lol. even if it isn’t spelt out neatly for you. you just gotta go dig it out and figure things out yourself........

i am so tired. actually i dont really know what is the point of rehashing the same point over and over again because it doesnt actually help mitigate any of the tiredness or make me any more effective or efficient or a better human being in any way. maybe it’s just cathartic to just empty every burdensome thought into this abyss of a tumblr lol, since this is the closest thing to screaming down a bottomless cliff

anyway was just trying to figure out why the hell i was so tired... like im considerably more tired than i was in GS and that was when work started at 6AM every morning. i guess paeds demands a sort of meticulousness that adult medicine doesnt. or maybe it’s just the sheer lunacy bc we are trying to cram 8 weeks’ worth of information into 3 (or, in my case, 2)... and it’s partly circumstantial?? i dunno. but ya very tired and very stressed

i must STOP mulling over depressing cases. seriously it’s a very inefficient way to spend my time and energy and, frankly, almost gratuitous. im not the one who’s bleeding into my joints and muscles every other week because im too poor to replenish my factors, so what right do i have to even feel sad about it. idk man

anw been thinking about the same few kids over the past week... mostly the cases i saw back in my electives. but OKAY like i said. no more self-righteous self-deluded gratuitous ruminating. here’s a random productive thought:

i think we often say things without actually processing them or translating them into action; or at least i do. was just thinking about the boy with MSSA again... in retrospect he wouldve been a textbook case of ‘toxic looking child’. when i get asked questions about physical examination i begin every other response with ‘i would like to obtain a set of vitals blah blah blah start with general inspection to see if he is alert or toxic looking blah blah blah’. i rmb talking to his mum for 30 mins and then asking a nurse to serve a stat dose of paracet cos he was shivering so badly. at no point did the term ‘toxic looking’ cross my mind, and he was shivering so badly and so weak we had to hold him up to do a proper joint exam on him. totally didnt realise how sick he was until 7 hours later when he got escalated to HD then ICU. up till now i still dont know whether to blame it on my poor skills of observation (which is my fault) or a general lack of clinical acumen (which isnt.) altho IN CONCLUSION what i mean to say is that 1. i need to really mean things when i say them and LOOK properly before releasing the deluge of verbal diarrhoea 2. must always have high index of suspicion when adolescents decompensate cos they have such good reserves. useful and important tips!!!!! it’s so much more productive and useful to arrive at such conclusions and put them into practice rather than spend another 1h feeling shitty about the guy and wondering where the heck he is now, if he’s even still alive. fug.

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