#idk. I still struggle with the hurt deep down inside and it's so extremely photosensitive that I can't open it up without it lashing out

[neverendingford]

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#tag talk #had a dream I found this really gorgeous aquamarine turtleneck with actually long enough sleeves for me and then I woke up ب_ب #do you have any idea how fucking disappointing it was to wake up and realize that I do in fact not have a nice comfy turtleneck #I'm genuinely so sad #also there was a cute bra I picked up in my dream as well and guess what. I don't have that irl either. #when summer hits I wanna go thrifting again. I don't like going out in the winter but ugh. I want summer to exist pleaseeee #I'm gonna drag my new trans friend along cause that seems like it would be really fun to look at clothes together I think. #hrrnngghhhhh I want to live my life and enjoy it please I just want to #also my therapy appointment was good but it genuinely made me so exhausted for real. like. physically tired. #which means that I've for sure still got problems rattling around in my head since anytime I get close to them my body reacts physically. #I'm still tired but I think I'll be able to get up in about twenty minutes hopefully. #I stripped the old sheets from my bed but didn't remake it but I showered so I'm clean so I just went to bed without sheets anyway #it feels kind of nice somehow. bare skin on bare mattress. feeling bad and just existing under covers. #idk why but it feels like home. like I'm a kid again. I say idk that's a lie I know why. #it's nice to just be a little miserable and convalescent and dissociate and nap and drift away into nothingness for a while. #maybe that dissociation immediately after confronting my own thoughts isn't super great though. #I have such a strong aversion to my own mind. such a repulsion from digging deeper than what I'm comfortable with. #I have this fear that I'll continue to find new things wrong with me. continue to find new explanations for why I'm so fucked up and weird. #will I have a reason for why I dump my friends after a few months. why I imagine unspeakable violence on the regular. #idk. I still struggle with the hurt deep down inside and it's so extremely photosensitive that I can't open it up without it lashing out #I'm a human being grown over a skeleton of scar tissue and alien growth. a body pulled tight over the skin of another. #what the fuck am I really? I know who I am. I still don't know what.