#if you got jumpscared imagine how /I/ feel rn i didnt know this was a thing jAELKVJEA?????? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

leftdestiny-posts · 2 years

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So I want to write something but idk how to go about it

So I’ve got an acquired brain injury and while it differs from person to person, most symptoms are similar to the people who have one.

I (unfortunately) got injured all over my brain. The neurologists believe I got small bleedings all over the place - I did not hurt my brain on one side only - BUT this results (for me) both long term and short term memory loss/problems. The first 1 or 2 years (idk how long it was but the beginning) people had a hard time coming to terms that I forgot everything. I basically got memory wiped and due to the injury on my brain I continue to forget everything. (This is really sucky for myself, if I dont see my dad for like 3 weeks idk what he looks like and it makes me feel really guilty but luckily the people around me know I dont do it on purpose)

So I have this immense fear of forgetting things (like important ones lmao). Your emotional memory is stronger than your “visual” (don't know the word for it rn, but as one remembers something with more than just a feeling) one, so I tend to remember things where I had strong emotions. For me its negative > positive - I'm more likely to remember bad memories of people than the good ones (best I can do is try to write stuff down and to not forget that I wrote it down (spoiler: i always forget))

Hmmm,,, lets say someone approaches me. I haven't seen them in a year and I’ve fully forgotten who they are and what they were to me. It’s a really unsettling feeling because this stranger knows me. They know my behavioural patterns and the average person tends to remember small facts about persons even if they haven’t seen each other in a while (the whole ‘catching up’ thing doesn't work with me) So ye. not the party I want - you can imagine how I get jumpscared because a ‘stranger’ knows what I did last year and what my fav food is (and i dont even know what my fav food is)

But sometimes I have this feeling of despair in my stomach, and because I'm missing those memories, I'm unable to place why I’m feeling it. It’s scary because when it happens in a situation where a person approaches me I know I’m missing something. Did I do something to them? Did they do something to me? Are they bad? Why are they familiar with me? What am I missing? So, sometimes I know people are bad, but I’m unable to back it up.

in internet its better but in real life this is really spooky

Halloween special? maybe. I wanted to write amnesia characteristics somewhere but I don’t know how to fully go about it.

It could be unsettling things but there are ‘wholesome’ things as well.

People I see daily often hear me talk repeatedly about upcoming events I’m excited about - because I forget I already said it to them.

My enthusiasm stays as strong as it was and 9/10 people let me ramble on before telling me I already told them. It’s awkward af to me (yall making fun of me? probably not but it still feels like im the only one not included in the joke) but people say its nice to see me react constantly / honestly, since my approach and behaviour didnt change

I honestly fall in love with the same things once in a while. I fully forget them and when I rediscover it I am fully enraptured by it (once again)

Oh, not to forget those stupid moments where I blank out:

Me: ye I drove across street 88 today and I saw this gorgeous periwinkle...

me: ...

friend: ???

me: ...

me: ???

me: so weather nice, huh?

Speech problems are usually a daily nuiscance as well. My brain therapist has met this one guy that was fully unable to talk, so im very fortunate, but still. I prefer chatting much more than talking because ill forget the word ‘tree’ and it’s so embarrasing and stupid but I know the word - im just unable to say it and aaaa

So yes. I will write something, just unsure what and how. Spooky or wholesome? we’ll see. I have too many wips so I had to write this off of my chest before it confusmed me.

If you actually read this

Idk why you did but hi! :D now you know more about me ig

#note to self

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