#if you need a blanket tag thats what the ‘all media types’ is for

[sunflowersandscreams]

hard times (gonna make you wonder why you even try)

read on ao3

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Nico di Angelo/Leo Valdez Characters: Nico di Angelo, Leo Valdez Additional Tags: Fluff, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Nico di Angelo Needs a Hug, Sad Nico di Angelo, nico is having a bad day. thats it thats the fic., Mild Angst

Summary: Nico isn't having the best day, but Leo's here.

Nico hadn’t done much today. It just got like this sometimes – the depression would build up over the course of a week or so until it burst out to incapacitate him for a day or two, after which he would be fine for another while. Nico knew it probably wasn’t healthy, but he didn’t really have the energy to care about that right now.

There was a deep heaviness in his bones, weighing him down and burdening him with the feeling of it. These sorts of days tended to be like this; everything got to him too much and he wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. Today, Nico was doing just that. He’d woken up like this and had stayed in the same position for almost the whole day, besides to go to the bathroom and take a couple bites of a stale energy bar left in a drawer in his bedside table, despite his nausea.

He was lying on the bed, on his left side, his eyes gazing into the distance and his fingers limp and unmoving on the blanket he’d covered himself with. Nico’s mind was stuck, a vicious cycle repeating itself over and over. He wasn’t good enough; was he ever going to be good enough? He’d never be good enough. The thought was affixed in his mind, like a pervasive piece of gum that you couldn’t get out, no matter how hard you tried. And Nico had tried, he’d tried so hard, but it never mattered in the end, did it?

“Hey, bats!” Leo’s upbeat voice sounded suddenly from the doorway. Nico glanced up from his little cocoon of misery to see his boyfriend standing there, bubbly and a little greasy. Nico must have not heard the door open. “What’s up?”

“N’much,” Nico mumbled, throwing the blanket over his head.

“I made something super cool with Nyssa, you should definitely come see it,” Leo continued, shutting the door behind him to come bounce on the bed next to Nico. “It’s a coat stand, but it’s got all these extra functions, and it’s got mini heaters for wet clothes, and it can change length and height depending on…”

Nico zoned out, listening to the sound of Leo’s voice rather than the words he was speaking. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to listen; he was just so tired and distracted, and he couldn’t really keep up with Leo’s rapid-fire rambling.

“-Neeks? Are you asleep?” Leo asked, concerned. Nico jolted, alerting Leo to the fact that Nico was awake. He pulled the blanket away from Nico’s face, looking down as Nico stared up at him blearily. “You good there?”

“Mmmm,” Nico hummed, burying his face into the blanket despite Leo’s attempts to keep his face in view.

“What’s up?” Leo said, his voice turning sympathetic and a little quieter. He and Nico had been together long enough that he knew when Nico wasn’t feeling well, and Nico knew the same about him.

“Jus’ tired. Bad day,” Nico said shortly, his tone coming off as monotonous. He winced, aware of the fact that he sounded rude and uninterested. “Sorry, I’m-”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Leo said instantly. “You’re tired, that’s no big deal. We all need some sleep every once in a while.”

Leo’s joke almost coaxed a smile out of Nico. “Not that kind of tired. Like… mentally. Exhausted.”

“Ohh, I get you.” Leo nodded, his hands fiddling with the edge of the blanket he held. “Would anything help?”

Nico went silent. He knew of something that often helped to boost his mood, but… he was annoying, and weird. Who would ever want to do something even close to that? Never mind the fact that Leo was his boyfriend, and he should be more caring about him-

“Bats, I can hear you overthinking from here.” Leo settled down properly next to him, still fidgeting. “Anything at all, I’ll help you with it. That’s what I’m here for.”

“If you could just…” Nico trailed off. “No, it’s stupid, I’m sorry for not being normal, and a better boyfriend-”

“Nico.” Leo cut his panicked blathering off with one gentle word. “It’s not stupid. You’re doing the best you can with your mental health right now, and I get that. I can wait. Right now, you’re my priority. What do you want me to do so I can help you feel better?”

Oh.

Even after all this time with a more stable friend group, and a home now, Nico still sometimes forgot that people loved and cared for him. “I guess… if you’d. I don’t know. Play with my hair or something.”

Leo smiled. “I can do that.”

He sat on the bed and guided Nico’s head into his lap, settling him so he was half-spread across Leo’s legs. He draped the blanket back over Nico and partially over himself, then wove a hand into Nico’s hair. Nico hummed, letting out a sigh of comfort as Leo began to run his fingers through his hair.

With his other hand, Leo interlocked his and Nico’s fingers, tracing small circles into the skin there. Nico was quiet, immersed in the sensation of Leo, his hand in his hair and his quiet voice humming off-key in the background.

“Alright, bats?” Leo murmured, pressing a quick kiss to his head.

“Yeah,” Nico sighed, relaxing slightly. “I think so.”

“I love your hair, y’know. It’s so… shiny. And fluffy. And kinda curly. And dark, but not dark enough to be black, but such a dark brown that you can only tell now.” Leo considered it for a moment. “It’s like… a secret. Only for us to know.”

Nico huffed, barely an exhale, but Leo took it as the laugh he knew it was. They knew each other well that way.

It didn’t fix everything; Nico was still a long way from healthy. But having these small moments of comfort helped to fill the cracks.

#this is small so imma post it on here too #lori writes #valdangelo #pjo fanfiction #im so fkcing tired. thi sis the product of my emotional stae so do with htat waht you will. #love yall <3 good niGHT.

[fluttersheep]

@michaalien​ tagged me in this forever ago and im only just now getting to it fjdkjfsd

thank uu

What was the last thing you read? a pharmacy tech study guide ;;

Favorite movie? what we do in the shadows, lego movies, o brother where art thou, hot fuzz is a guilty pleasure

Favorite book? smoke gets in your eyes

Dream Date? visiting an animal sanctuary maybe. or a historical site. hiking somewhere beautiful. idk i have lots but as long as im with someone i love ill have just as much fun sitting on the couch

Do you have a crush? yeah im crushing pretty hard on @skeletonshades​ but dont tell her its a secret <3

What are your hobbies? drawing, going on long walks, crocheting even though its slow going, lying on the floor

What is your favourite time of day? morning time!

If you could look like anything, what would you look like? dont ask me this im dysphoric and have dysmorphia and poor self image dskfjlsdkfj, this is the only body i get im trying to accept it

Are you romantic?  ooooh just a bit :)

What’s your favorite type of weather? brisk and sunny 

What do you like talking about? idk. whatever im interested in at the time if someone is willing to listen

What are your turn ons? positivity, confidence, snappy dressing, willingness to help me break into a factory farm

Turn offs? selfishness, poor listener, giving money to the farm im trying to break into

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it? as soon as the seasons over and i can stand to spend a bit on it im still going to get that homo fuge tattoo

Do you have any pets? ms puppy daisy, although she lives with my parents

Dream job? my dream job is no job

honestly if i could work on a sanctuary part time and support myself thatd be perfect. helping animals, being just physically demanding enough to be satisfying, working outside.. wouldnt that be nice. stupid capitalism :(

Dream place to live? im always embarrassed to say places like scotland bc its so cliche but a little cottage in the country would be so nice ;; also like. free healthcare????

Dream vacation? germany or the czech republic

Do you have any piercings? just the one on the ears, im thinking of getting more higher up but im more of a tattoo person

If you had kids what would you name them? i dont know i dont plan on ever needing to know lol

What are your best traits? big heart

Worsts traits? big heart

What’s your worst fear? being alone, sudden deadly illnesses

What do you want to eat right now? its literally always sushi

What’s your best vacation you’ve ever been on? it wasnt really a vacation but i really enjoyed my recent trip to washington. the mountains were so beautiful

Favourite City? idk im not a city person. i havent been to many either. savannah maybe? and even then i still have a lot of issues with it haha

Favourite social media platform? i guess tumblr since its the only one i use. but only bc every other one is so much worse

Favourite article of clothing? my big black cardigan

Do you play sports?  id rather die thanks

Favourite meal of the day? i think breakfast? im always most hungry then so its extra satisfying. and its my biggest meal. its literally what gets me out of bed lol

What are you excited for? seeing my gf in january!!! <333

Not excited for? upcoming credit card bill :(

When was the last time you cried? this morning kdjflsdjk im going through a rough bit

Dream house? i answer this all the time! some kind of cute little place in the country

What’s something you hate about the world? theres a lot dont even get me started

ill just say. some peoples inability to respect animals at all

What’s something you love about the world? when humans are extremely compassionate and caring. i really want to think most people are inherently good deep down, we just live in a world thats been. structured poorly ig

What scents do you like? rose and peach and baked bread

What kind of sleeper are you? pretty good i think overall. i have some rough streaks sometimes but usually i get a good 7 hrs. i sleep really well this time of year when its cold and i have a heated blanket so that helps a lot

Are you a cat or dog person? i used to be a dog person until i worked in kennels (i still adore dogs dont get me wrong) and now i think im just a tiny bit more of a cat person. but i love them both so so much

How long would you survive in the zombie apocalypse? ten minutes?

Are you trusting? i try to be. i trust my friends a lot

What fictional character do you identify with? oh you know

What labels do you usually get? quiet and shy 

What song would be your life anthem? honestly nothing comes to mind and im too tired to go looking for a song ;;  ill keep you posted

What issues are you dealing with right now? i have so many and cant afford a therapist and im so mad abt it!!!!

How can someone win you over? forehead kisses wrist kisses cheek kisses nose kisses neck kisses just those small nice kisses always get me <33

also yeah $5000

What’s something about you people don’t know? i think my social security number is the only thing i havent shared here at least once

#flutterspeak

[mycockmonkey]

Questions and stuff

I was tagged by @jormunganndr

Rules are to answer all the questions and tag 20 blogs you’d like to get to know better! (God thats a lot of blogs…we will see…!)

Gender: man

Zodiac: Cancer

Height: 5’ 9″

Time: 8:57 pm

Birthday: 22 July

Favourite bands: HONNE and Frank Ocean 

Last movie I saw: Thor Ragnarok for the Hulk ass 

Last show I saw: Broad City 

When did I create my blog: A friend made it for me a few years back in 2015 and followed blogs so that I could be in the know with all things gay

What do I post: mostly whatever makes me laugh 

Last thing I googled: a map of the US cause a coworker of mine thought that Utah was north and I needed to show him how wrong he was 

Any other blogs: nope

Do you get asks?: Literally none lmao (probably cause I don’t really post pics of myself) 

Why did you choose your URL: my other social media I use is mysockmonkey but since my friend made it, it’s mycockmonkey 

Types of Blogs you follow: mostly thirst follows 

Favourite colours: all shades of green 

Average hours of sleep: anywhere between 4-8 usually 

Lucky number: 342

Dream trip: Gotta do a deep dive into South America

What are you wearing? Pajamas 

How many blankets do you sleep with?: One blanket and a onesie

Dream job: Already doing it! I’m in tech 

Favourite foods: pizza, pozole, tacos, korean bbq, ramen

Nationality: American

I'm not gonna tag anyone cause I literally don’t interact with anyone on tumblr. I’m wine drunk and bored so I’m doing this lol. 

[omanu]

i have a few tags to do, so im gonna do them all in one post so i dont keep tagging the same ppl in multiple things idk. dont worry, you dont need to do them if u dont want to ♥

i was tagged by @nashira , the angel ♥

¤ nickname: well, irl is manu, but tbh my name is manu. i have another nickname my family uses, that is budi lol

¤ zodiac sign: sagittarius 

¤ height: the best scenario here is 167cm, idk how much that is in ft or whatever lmao

¤ orientation: ….. like everyone 

¤ favourite fruit: cantaloupe 

¤ favourite season: winter and fall

¤ favourite book: i dont think i have one, but like, the last book i read was fucking amazing everyone should read, it’s gay, it’s a series of three books, and it’s called when women were warriors.

¤ favourite flower: all of them? i love flowers in general

¤ favourite scent: RAIN, and ngl the scent of matches 

¤ favourite animal: dogs and cats

¤ favourite colour: light colors and also black and blue

¤ coffee, tea or hot cocoa: hot cocoa

¤ average sleep hours: well now i sleep a lot i would say 8-12 

¤ cat or dogs: BOTH

¤ n° of blankets: just one

¤ dream trip: ANY GOOD BEACH

¤ blog created: idr well, but 2015? or maybe late 2014. but ive been on tumblr since 2009/2010 lol

¤ favourite song: ……..dude idk rn is any song of bts, but on my last fm it’s probably a song by adam, the love of my life. and i love too many songs so i cant just write them all

Rules: Use the first letter of your name to answer each question. Real answers only. If the person who tagged you has the same initial, you must give different answers. You cannot use the same word twice. Once you enter your answers, tag 10 other people! i was tagged by @superunknwn​ , another angel ♥

Your name: Manu

A four letter word: mole *looks at nashira and sara* A boy’s name: … Manu An occupation: Musician Something you can wear: mittens  A place: McDonald's  A reason for being late: … idk … Moving? Medical matter? idk i used two words but they both begin with the letter m lol Something you shout: mYLES A movie title: Moana Something you drink: Martini An animal: Monkey A type of car: Mercedes  Song title: Ma City by bts lol i was just singing this

i was tagged by @bensun​ a looooong time ago sorry, but i too love doing these so why not. this one is similar to the first tag game, but im doing it anyway

Answer the questions and tag 20 followers you would like to get to know better! —————– Name: Manu

Nicknames: budi. i want new nicknames tbh, cute ones.

Zodiac Sign: sagittarius

Height: 167cm 

Orientation: same, i like all genders but the s*x part is……. uh, idrl

Ethnicity: native brazilian (indigenous) (wow i just saw this on the internet and im using it), mixed with whi*te some time in the past. i would know better if whi*es hadnt done that

Favorite Fruit: Probably blueberries or just berries in general and I loooove smoothies …. with any fruit to be honest

Favorite Season: Fall and winter

Favorite Book: to mention another one im reading the third book of the vampire chronicles, i love the second one, i love lestat

Favorite Flowers: yeah i like flowers, but idrn their names, i just love it

Favorite Color: light colors, but also black and blue again

Favorite Animal: dogs and cats

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: hot chocolate

Average Sleep Hours: 8-12 ay

Cat or Dog Person: BOTh

Favorite Fictional Character: MIDNIGHTER

Number of Blankets I sleep with: just one

Ideal trip: beach!!

Blog Created: 2015 ig 

dear @superunknwn​ tagged me on this a looooooooooooooong ass time ago, sorry ily (actually she didnt tagged me but i wanted to do this so i just saved on my drafts) 
Rules: 
1. go to this site: https://www.random.org/lists/ 2. Pick 15 of your favorite characters or favorite people from your fandoms and list them 3. Tag at least 5 people 4. Have fun with it! 
— 
1. Mom/dad: Apollo!!!!!!!!!! yes!!!!! 2. Your sibling: jim halpert lmaoo thats fine 3. Your grandma/grandpa:  michael jackson 4. Haunts you: park seo joon 5. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: adam lambert (ok…. i would prefer jhope but ok) 6. Your ex: taystee hdsfkhfdksjh 7. Your best friend: MIDNIGHTER 8. Proposed to you: MYLES KENNEDY DHJKSHFDF 9. Your boss: slash….. thats not ideal but glad that i know him 10. The random person you met at the bar: lestat fdkslsd friend 11. Your rival: seo in guk NOOOOO he is my bf wtf 12. Gave you your first kiss: rothen skljkld 13. Drunk and singing karaoke with: lzzy hale my love 14. Played 7 minutes in heaven with:  JHOPE DFHKFSDJKSFHKJSD 15. Gave you your favorite dessert: chris traeger, my favorite dessert is not raisins

tbh im not gonna tag ppl anymore, ive already tagged everybody, yall just can do it

@lionesslindsey tagged me on this a looong time ago too, no surprise

RULES: answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions. (but that’s so many D: I’m too awkward for so many) (relatable lmao) Tagging: everyone i tagged on this long ass post Whoever wants to do this though, go ahead!

1. coke or pepsi: i dont drink soda heh 2. disney or dreamworks: I love them both, but my absolute fav movie is The Lion King. lindsey i just copied ur answer bc BITCH ME TOO, just addin Mulan here 3. coffee or tea: i dont like coffee and i never really wanted to try tea lmao 4. books or movies: Both!!!!! 5. windows or mac: only tried windows 6. dc or marvel: DC pls 7. xbox or playstation: even though i dont have and console, i like ps better 8. dragon age or mass effect: never played. dont have a console lmao 9. night owl or early riser: if those are video games…. never played i dont have a console 10. cards or chess: cards! 11. chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate 12. vans or converse: converse, never owned vans bc im poor af, so i would probably like both 13. lavellan, trevelyan, cadash, or adaar: have no idea what those are 14. fluff or angst: fluff pls 15. beach or forest: beach!!!!!!! 16. dogs or cats: BOTH 17. clear skies or rain: BOTH 18. cooking or eating out: it depends on my mood tbh 19. Spicy food or mild food: both 20. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: what 21. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: a little too cold 22. if you could have a superpower, what would it be: stop time 23. animation or live action: animations 24. paragon or renegade: what 25. baths or showers: baths, even though i dont own a bathtub 26. team cap or team ironman: Iron Man 27. fantasy or sci-fi: Fantasy 28. do you have three or four favourite quotes? not really 29. youtube or netflix: youtube 30. harry potter or percy jackson: hp, but pj was pretty awesome and diverse than hp.... actually I think I only like hp more bc of the movies, but pj... is very awesome too idk 31. when you feel accomplished: 6. dc or marvel: when i finish a drawing 32. star wars or star trek: star wars 33. paperback books or hardback books: as long as i have books 34. horror or rom-com: yikes rom-com 35. to live in a world without literature or music: death 36. pastel colours or dark colours: i love both!!!!!! 37. tv shows or movies: bitch everything is both here 38. city or countryside: city, but i too love contryside 39. if any other zodiac sign could describe you, what would it be: i have no idea 40. if you could only listen to one album for the rest of your life what would it be: dont ask me that omg 41. cinema or theatre: cinema 42. if you could be any fictional character’s best friend, who’d you be: midnigher’s 43. smiling or smirking: slut for both 44. are you an ‘all or nothing’ type or are you more consistent: i dont do anything so idk dude 45. playlists or your whole library on shuffle: shuffle 46. travelling or staying at home: traveling, but i would love staying at my own home 47. books or fanfiction: Both 48. If you could live in a fantasy world, what world would it be: huh, i had never thought about this, i cant answer now. but probably i would choose to live in one of my daydreaming shit 49. your favorite cartoon: idk i live irmão do jorel, a brazilian cartoon 50. name the weirdest five songs on your itunes, current or past: bruh im dont know 51. mountains or plains: both! 52. favorite anime (or tv show if you don’t watch anime): YURI ON ICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 53. which social media platform are you most like yourself on: Tumblr AND youtube 54. What are some of your passions: music 56. If you have a pet, do they do anything interesting/weird (like a cat that plays fetch, a bird that can say funny things, etc)? : not really. my cat sleeps funny sometimes hsajkdhas

#honestly #i have so many tag games to do........ i forget about them. #pls dont get mad when u tag me on something and i end up not doing it #i just forget and i probably love you #also #if we are mutuals. you can tag me anytime

[thepolyesterprince-blog]

5 THINGS REPOST. DON’T REBLOG.

5 things you’ll find in my (school)bag

i don’t have a school bag bc i was homeschooled and haven’t started college yet oops so you get things that are in my purse bc close enough

hand lotion

C R U M P L E D R E C I E P T S

my phone

chaptick/something lipstick esque if not lipstick

well its a purse so like..... money (not very much of it lol b u t u kno)

5 things in my bedroom

a trash can that needs taken out, probably

a million clocks why do i have so many i feel like im becoming doc brown

a gazillion papers and pens and notebooks im obsessed w office supplies

?? blankets ??

FOUR BOOKSHELVES FULL OF BOOKS most of which i’ve read

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in my life

act in s o m e t h i n g cool beans

release an album or ep w a band !!

publish a book

have a couple successful youtube channels i have ideas for

be in a long term queerplatonic relationship

5 things that make me happy

MY FRIENDS (Read: y o u)

MY MUSES  & WRITING (and just creating tbh)

my KITTIES

SELF EXPRESSION (themeing blogs, putting together outfits, writing lyrics, designing crap idk man just makin stuff thats Me)

M  U  S  I  C

5 things that I’m currently into

trying to get my life together (me @ me good luck lol)

me /singing to the tune of the theme/ WKRP IN CINCINNATIIIIIIII

marina & the diamonds & very weirdly obscure indie rock lol

TYPOLOGY ! ! ! !

LOWKEY MUSICALS BC ALL MY FRIENDS ARE SUDDENLY SENDING ME BOOTLEGS OF THEM AND IM DOWNLOADIN THEM TO WATCH AS I HAVE TIME.....

5 things on my to-do list

m e    @    m e    d o   u r   f r i c k e n   d r a f t s   m y   g o s h   ,

revamp my bullet journal for march bc i kinda slughed off on it in feburary

finish the stuff i need to heckin finish to take college entrance exams and fricken apply bc the registration date is late this year i have six months left rip me @ myself get it the heck together omg

learn to play or write and play a song a month on guitar 

FINISH ONE OF MY MULTICHAPTER FICS OR WORK ON ONE OF MY NOVELS JUST WRITE SMTH I COULD PUBLISH SOMEDAY LOL

5 things you may not know about me

i play guitar and ukulele and a teeeeeensy bit o piano (dont look i taught myself and have the wrong form and use the wrong fingers its a mess) (well same for guitar and uke too who am i kidding LOL) I ALSO SING.... P GOOD IF I SAY SO MYSELF IDK i need to have lessons bc i dont know what the hey im doin but st ill,

IM S  U  P  E  R  into typology like super. into it. i will talk to u about it for days and weeks and months and years if u let me (so dont ever talk to me abt it bc i wont  e v e r  shut up omg) and i even have a blog abt it here (the queue ran out and i need to fill it again rip but IM HOPIN TO DO THAT TOMORROW ACTUALLY LOL IF UR INTERESTED IN FOLLOWING, ANYONE.....)

i also have a fandom blog abt the show herb here is from !!! here (and its been quite active so far. so far so good. XD)

careers i considered for a hot minute in the past include therapist, set designer, freelance typologist, social media manager, and foley enigneer. all of them would probably end up being something i hated after i actually dedicated my life to it XD

i have type 2b-3a curls depending on the weather and how much they hate me that day and use the curly girl method (well a variation of it) on my hair. regardless of everything i’ve ever done its still always frizzy bc thas my natural hair type- loose wave curls with random rly tight curls that are always frizzy and dont do anything i want. i console myself by telling myself it looks a lil but like lorde’s hair and ppl like her............

tagged by: UMM WHO DO U THINK, MY GAL @piper-aileen-lenox tagging: @annastrxng @innocentmanwithabounty @88-m-p-h @abouttiime WHOEVER WANTS TO DO IT SAY I TAGGED U BC I WANNA READ WHAT U SAY BUT I SUCK AT TAGGIN PPL REST IN REECES PIECES

#;; ᴛᴀɢs { 'you're the only one who appreciates me around here' } #;; ᴏᴏᴄ { 'what is that supposed to mean?' } #;; ᴍᴜɴ ᴛʜɪɴɢs { 'what is this; dump on tarlek day?' } #;; ᴍᴜɴsᴘᴇᴀᴋ { 'i didn't say anything!' } #THANK U FOR THE TAG #THIS IS PROLLY ALL TMI I MADE IT SO LONG RIP but #IT WAS SUPER DUPER FIN SO THANK U FOR THE TAG OMGGGG

[felicezhukov]

:: Dear Nicolas Jaar ::

Its one of those days, I’ve just spilled my second pint of water, the first was earlier when I was waking up, lowering myself back into bed to write this letter to you, I called myself a stupid bitch when it happened in lieu of the fact my ex wasn’t there to do it, no shouting resounded or escalation occurred, I was alone. I’m clumsy, I break stuff, knock things over, get caught on women’s scarves on buses, or stuck in my ear phone wires at Tesco’s counters, laugh so loud sometimes that people look at me in shock, a couple of days ago my ex said this to me regarding my angel: “You haven’t scared her off have you? The monies still there?” The final countdown before my exodus has started, its less than a week till I move, less than a week till I, probably, throw the majority of my possessions in the bin. I guess when I mentioned the week had been extraordinary in my Friday letter it might not seem to the typical observer that anything particularly special has taken place but my soul and my state of mind have undergone transformative journeys, spiralling left, right, up and down, through anxiety, heavy almost flabby contentment, absolute jubilation, scuttling fearful tremors, in the gaps between these ferocious states I find myself crying, it’s overwhelming. I filmed a performance on Sunday night that seems to encapsulate my current state, which I’ll go in to more detail about a little later, it charts this emotional instability, despite that not being the plan, within it I am every facet of myself, hopefully it’ll be online by the end of this mammoth admin session I’m undertaking today. 

As a performance artist I think thats my schtick, my performances aren’t really so much dedicated enactments but instead just me, raw, frank, channeling all my elements, now I’ve poured over my past in detail to put it all online I notice it’s been the theme throughout my oeuvre. 

Right now I’m paralysed, I can’t do anything I normally do, no dressing up, no reading, no flaneurism. I keep getting the bus, I feel a resistance to my usual routes through the city, there’s something painful in the prospect of walking through Victoria or Haggerston park at the moment, I see shadows in the tree’s of these cherished spaces. Shadows of anticipation, shadow’s of love and savagery, shadows of loss. Give me a week and this should all be a memory, a shadow in its own right, at least I hope so.

It need’s to, and will, change dramatically, last time I moved away from my ex things dipped though and my fear is this will happen again. I’m going to have to start balancing my finance’s, something that takes a lot of discipline for me, I have this issue with money, it causes a violent reaction in me when I have it, a physical repulsion, a need to expunge and rid myself of it, like I’ve been overcome by a demon that needs to be exorcised. The concept of accumulating this hateful element fills me with dread and desire, which must somehow in part explain why I’m so useless at selling what I create and pushing my wares on people. 

There’s this absurd sense of nobility coursing through my veins, I see it in my father as well, I find it the whole concept of marketing myself and pushing myself on others scandalous, I’d much prefer people come to me of their own free will, heart and soul aligned. In a society where the normality is to be the sum of our buying power I feel a sense of pride in this, so much is being sold to us on various levels of our consciousness, cookies, buses swathed in posters, soundcloud adverts, asos emails, suggested everything, marketing is the very air we breath, especially in a metropolis where the eyeline is never not inundated with messages of potential happiness, just a tap away.

But thats not to say I’m not happy to share, that must already be clear in these letters, all my insides are out and on display in various walled gardens across the internet. This sale is just causing me a lot of internal bleeding, now I’ve catalogued the 190+ items it incorporates and uploaded them, I’m drowning, how do I rid myself of these objects in a diligent and respectful way? The restful mornings of self guided education have been replaced by incessant letters to you (these are important for giving this whole thing a soul), answering messages, nagging, tagging, planning, photographing, uploading, editing, despairing, the saving grace of this upward struggle is that I’m allowing myself to do yoga and categorise it by writing everything to you, I need soul food right now. 

As an example this is my to do list today:

* make 6x animations / 6x written pieces / 6x mini videos from pre recorded footage to upload on to instagram (this has been on the list for days, it keeps getting pushed back)

* go to studio, take more detail shots of items I want to put on ebay as this will increase their chances of being sold, items on list include my wedding ring, larger paintings, designer clothes then come home, pay my ebay fee’s so my access is unrestricted and upload everything including necessary details – then post this to my social media accounts

*promote my sale on facebook by linking from twitter and poss instagram, adding to community groups, messaging friends

* pay rent to my studio’s then email them to ask about my move and if I will need to hire a skip

* type up this letter, post to facebook and screenshot, post to twitter, tag you

*answer and correspond with all the beautiful people that are messaging me about the sale, answer questions, like comments and reply

* edit the film I made on Sunday, render, upload to youtube, share on social media platforms, post on my site

* eat? drink?

* do yoga

* wash hair?

* put together synopsis and brief for arts programme I am curating for a meeting tomorrow, consolidate the idea

This is the bare bones of my itinerary, I’ve done 2 of the tasks so far, I know its not unusual for a Londoner to be so busy and I bet your schedule looks like this sometimes, but really I’d just like to crawl in to bed and read and write a little and then fall asleep. This is probably the apex of my project now and there will be a brief reprieve, but before I cast everything asunder I have to do my life some justice so I’m not cursing myself in future years, and I’m working for the next 4 days, 12 hour shifts nearly daily so its the last push before the major haul the beginning of next week.

Relentlessness. 

So then…. Part 3 // Sunday

On Sunday night I filmed myself performing for 6 hours plus, by all rights is was as demanding as the mermaid descent, but it was impromptu, I wasn’t naked, covered in paint, fucking 2 cucumbers, so it didn’t quite have the same edge.

I came to on the studio of my floor rolled up in a blanket on a duvet cover I use as a rug of sorts, thick white make up and glitter caked in my eyes, permanent wine coloured lip stick still reverberating over my lips. I’d passed out re-watching the footage I’d taken of myself staging 7 scene’s, dressed in variously important pieces from my wardrobe, singing some of the my most treasured songs, or stumbling over them in the case of witness the fitness by roots manuva. In the background the sonic landscape was shaped by various mixes of yours I’ve found on soundcloud, bleating from my i phone speakers.

Firstly I crawled around the central space in a turquoise swimming costume, shooting myself coming towards the camera from various angles, trying to make creative use of the runway like black borders which are the echoes of the descent installation. Then I shimmied and pulsated in terracotta sequins, attempting to channel my inner seductress, envisaging jessica rabbit, whilst adorning myself in the bloodletting costume pieces. Following that I hit things with ping pong bats and comically attempted to mc, stumbling over gorgeous lyrics and twerking in my adidas, I was with the mermaids for this and I’m sure they were silently mocking me. Next the black lipstick and adventure time sweatshirt were paraded around, as a backdrop to me turning myself into a human display case, though the actual performance was probably the best. I then threw on my big white shirt (not the alexander wang, but the one I wore to my little brothers wedding), I hugged the unicorn, blew bubbles and sang behind acrylic glass. The penultimate scene saw me dress in preppy tan vintage adidas shorts and a pink silk bomber, clumsily adorning myself in all my jewellery and gratingly bursting through lyrics. Finally at 2am I somehow managed to strap myself in to my wedding dress, read a harrowing letter from my teenage self and blurrily cry through the lyrics of one of the most potent songs I’ve ever met. But I didn’t pass out in my wedding dress, though that’d be a more aesthetic turn. 

The film is as if you’re watching a young girl raid her mums jewellery and clothes collection and film herself in her bedroom, except this girl has the weight of adulthood clearly marked on her shoulders. The developed pains of experience, etched on her face. Having your mixes as a background noise wasn’t intended that night, and in a way it really detracts from my singing, but I was all alone in my studio building and having your music on made me feel less scared. 

It might be that I could of made better use of my time on a more organised aspect of this project, but these performances are the legacy of my life thus far, I’m manically creating them as documentation, because very soon it will all be gone.  I want proof for myself that it did all really exist, and it was beautiful. 

That video should be uploaded later today.

I hope you have something like yoga in your life to centre you when things are chaos. 

#Nicolas Jaar #nicolasjaar