#ill be fine i have a lot of feelings my life is nonstop chaotic bc i have 5 bpd/bipolar women in my family and all emotionally absent men a

[valandherweekofwonders]

i just want to stop feeling suicidal so constantly and i want to stop having my paranoia spirals and i want to have peaceful sleeps without night terrors and i want to feel safe in my body and in my own space and i want to eat and i want to not be so overwhelmed by my psychosis and i want to be over everything that kennedy did to me but i also really wish i could contact him again so i could deck him in the fucking face and then i call c and ask her what the fuck why the fuck did she do that and beg beg beg my family to leave the church that is so clearly harming them and dooming them to tragedies.... and so on...

#why did i write about that pregnancy why did i use my abuse for an assignment why did i delve into these memories such a mistake #whenever i remember it happened im like oh my god i could have had a 9 year old maybe i did want to be a mother #maybe i am suffering now bc i was supposed to be doomed to the same narrative like most women in my community #like maybe it was a fluke that i got here bc i don't fit in i hate myself so much i feel like everyone hates me and wants me dead and gone #if i knew any of their numbers still i would ask for ativan again i cannot fucking sleep my anxiety is never ending #i cannot tolerate the weight of the emotions i want to be numb i want to be high i want to be dissociated again #i broke out of my constant dissociation and now im here and i can feel my feet on the ground and i am living pov and it hurts so bad #i want to be in the arms of my best friend i want to be on her floor stroking the fuzzy carpet while we eat penne together #ever since she came back into my life i am so happy i have that anchor again but oh my god it makes me realize how distant i am from everyo #and how little i trust #i also miss my other best friend that i never get to see but i want to hug them tightly and we never have enough time w each other but ever #moment is so vivid and strong and they make me feel so alive and aware of the world we are in and its such a blessing that they decided to #talk to me the day they did and the friendship that came after like idk #i dont have many close friends but oh god the few i have i love th #them so much and they make life worth living but ugh yeah im fighting voices and spirals and theres a lot happening inside #ill be fine i have a lot of feelings my life is nonstop chaotic bc i have 5 bpd/bipolar women in my family and all emotionally absent men a #and our narratives weave together so close so tightly i cannot separate myself but i want to but can i? do i want to? #ezra.txt