#i broke out of my constant dissociation and now im here and i can feel my feet on the ground and i am living pov and it hurts so bad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anti-endo-haven · 22 days

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hey! anon of this post! https://www.tumblr.com/anti-endo-haven/747025262979465216/its-hard-when-its-only-once-in-a-blue-moon-that?source=share im the host/core of a system; im also the anon who made the post right before that one talking about how switching feels for me! having the "well I see everything from the perspective of whos fronting, but thats not the case for my alters" thing is a bit confusing to explain (and experience!)

i related a lot to the reblog talking about amnesia and how it can be constant or hard to detect, and that's definitely the case. i can notice when i'm more dissociated (though it usually takes a bit cause of being zoned out) but my norm is to be kinda brainfoggy 99% of the time

i dont get blackouts or significant grayouts between switches, and i rarely switch. i dont have a memory bank as an alter, but i know my alters have their own memories apart from that of front. i consider most of front memories to be my memories due to being mostly frontstuck. the front memory bank/my memories does have memory issues though

i also sadly cannot access the iw! i used to have medium communication but it broke down and thats no longer the case. i went through a period of denial/suppression but i think im out of that now, though still afraid to reconnect or hear them again

tbh i rly like this account, i feel comfortable talking here & ive already made several posts, so could i claim an anon tag? never done this before but since im on desktop can i claim a nickname if thats ok? if so, could i be arachnid anon? thanks! :)

I’m glad you can talk about your experiences! And, yeah, not everyone will experience the same thing or the same levels of specifics such as amnesia, switching, etc. :3

I’ll get your sign off down for ya!

I’m glad you like the account and feel comfortable!!!

#arachnid anon #anti endo #did system #system #osddid #endos dni #traumagenic system #actually did #endos not for you #actually traumagenic #did plural #did plurality #osdd plural #osdd plurality

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madeintimeland · 3 years

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im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

#this is literally just all about drugs and dissociation

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traumabrained · 7 years

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(cw: possible emotional abuse?) so hello, sorry to bother you, but this has been bothering me for some time now. when I was younger, my mom used to shout/aggressively say things about me not socializing enough and not having friends. she's often threatened to send me away to catholic school/juvie for things that i don't remember, and i think she's threatened to chop off my hand but that might not be true? (1/7)

she's also threatened to send me to mental institutions because i was "crazy and not normal." after i broke down and cried when i was 11, she sent me to therapy then got mad that i didn't recover fast enough (i kinda understand though it's expensive). i also remember being hit a few times but i don't think it was abuse just cultural differences (im asian). i don't think she wants to hurt me. (2/7)

i think i might have provoked her and kinda deserved it and after a majority of these incidences she was usually very sorry and either offered to let me hit her back to even the score or something or bought me things as an apology. (3/7)

all of this mostly stopped, i think, after a particularly large incident that involved me snapping and i think that scared her. but i feel that im acting like a spoiled sheltered brat because she does so much for me and im worried that im exaggerating or being too sensitive. i don't know if i love her it feels so awful to say that but i don't even think i want to. is this abuse? i don't know if i can call it that as it doesn't seem severe enough. (4/7)

this next part is going to sound completely crazy and i feel like a freak. i don't think i have ptsd or anything like that, but i feel like a toddler trapped in an adult body. i feel like in the present i think about incidents happening not necessarily to me, but an alternate version of me or a completely different person. (5/7)

whenever the actually incident or a situation that i created in my head would happen i retreat to sort of a fantasy world, where im either myself or another person, usually a child or an adult body with a child-like mind. (6/7)

i create one or two adult figures, always male, and they can be the same people over a certain period of time, who are kind of like a alternate family where they're both super loving and sweet. usually in these imaginary incidences they're cradling and trying to comfort me. is there a name for this? (7/7)

to answer your first question, this is absolutely abuse. regardless of your culture, and regardless of whether she “offers to let you hit her to even the score”, she is abusing you. there’s no excuse for hitting a child--they are defenseless. they can do absolutely nothing to prevent it or to fight back. most of the time they didnt even know better than to do whatever they are being punished for. and even if you did take your mom up on the offer and hit her back--that doesn’t nullify the abuse. she still hit you. she still has power over you. if anything, it’s a guilt trip tactic so you feel bad about what she did.

and it doesn’t matter how much she looks like she regrets it. it still happened. she isnt doing jack shit to stop herself from doing it again.

and additionally--you didn’t deserve any of what she did. if a child is acting out, they’re doing it because something is wrong, and the only solution to that is to help them fix the problem. nothing else. even something as little as putting your kid in “time out” because they’re hyperactive or something is not the solution. that doesn’t help anyone but you. so your mom hitting you, threatening to maim you, or threatening to send you to mental hospitals or catholic school--none of it was deserved, and none of it was justified.

and honestly: i dont love my mother either. she is a horrible, manipulative woman. she doesn’t care about me, and she doesn’t care about my wellbeing. i have a hard time hating people, especially my own mother, but i sure as shit don’t love her. and you don’t have to love your family either. love and respect have to be earned and freely given, or else they mean nothing.

now on to mental part. as you are (presumably) aware, im not a professional, im just an 18 year old with a lot of personal experience and stuff i looked up and i give advice, not diagnoses. that being said, (and this is a suggestion based on what you’ve said, and nothing more) it sounds like a fun combination of:

1) maladaptive daydreaming--this is like normal daydreaming but x1000. it’s often involuntary (though not always) and tends to replace human interaction. people who maladaptively daydream sometimes have “inner worlds” (essentially, a reality inside your head that you visit often. it’s usually populated with people who you might form relationships with, etc.) or else a variety of places they go. im gonna direct you to the wikipedia page on it (honestly it looks pretty damn accurate to me, but i recommend you read a lot of pages about it, if you think it might fit what’s going on with you): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maladaptive_daydreaming

and then potentially either of these things:

a) DID--disassociative identity disorder. not sure i spelled that right, sorry. im getting a pretty bad headache right now so im gonna keep this short but here’s an explanation: http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/dissociative-identity-disorder/dissociative-identity-disorder-did-signs-and-symptoms/ and to add onto this, people with DID (such as myself, actually) might have alters (basically additional personalities) that replace the original (i.e. the original personality that was in the body). for example: the original personality in our body has either gone to sleep for like 3 years, or else just straight up left. and so events that occurred when the body was younger don’t feel like they happened to me, or any of the other alters. there are six people in our body (right now youre talking to kasparov with ciardha butting in a lot). we’re all different ages, from 19 to 8. it’s possible to have far more alters, and its also possible to have just one. basically what im suggesting here is that maybe a system (a body with more than one personality) was formed during a traumatic event, and you are the alter who is a child, and that the original is either dormant, or left. now im definitely not saying you have this. but i recommend that you look into this as well.

b) some kind of constant or else nearly-constant age regression. i really dont know much about this and googling it led to absolutely nothing, so i couldnt tell you what it’s caused by, or what to call it. my headache is getting a little migraine-y, so im sorry if this gets less helpful the more i write aaa

okay so essentially those are all the things that i can think of, but im certain its not an exhaustive list of possible things. if anyone has any information or ideas about this, please reply/reblog this post with your comments.

im sorry i couldn’t be of more help, and also that this took so long. feel free to message me with more info (or symptoms, which might help narrow it down) or send more asks

#actuallyptsd #actuallytraumatized #Anonymous

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