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#im afraid of and then there are people like fucking… m*lissa err*co and sh*ron wh*atley (those are just the famous ones) who by all
pepprs
·
1 year
Text
beaver gnawing on wood noises
#purrs
#delete later
#this is gonna be a bad / hard post and i’ll have to delete it. like it feels like in making it im invoking cosmic forces to show me karma or
#idk like being an ingrate or whatever. but sometimes i find myself on social media rabbitholes looking at instagram pages of.. women who
#like really genuinely appear to be good moms to their kids. and love them for who they are and don’t try to make them anything different.
#and who celebrate their quirks and stuff. and even share interests with them at the bare minimum. and it just makes me want to sob. like the
#knot in my throat. i shouldn’t do it bc i just hurt myself but it’s like. im so lucky i have a mom and that she provides for me. and i know
#there are valid reasons for that being all she can do. but also why can’t she… idk.why can’t she ummm love me. or celebrate me. or find
#magic in me. or at the very least accept my humanness and be open to me like giving her feedback on stuff. even tonight at this panel this o
#one woman was like yeah my two daughters call me on stuff and im like you’re right. if i called my mom on stuff (and i do) she would give me
#the silent treatment (and she has) or eviscerate me (and she has). and people in my work life and on here call me endearing and say all
#these things. but it’s like none of it can fill up the absolute aching pulsing void that is… my mom. my mom!!!!! is just a person i live
#with anr resent most of the time. who has hurt me so badly. and i could have had a mom who like. let me sing and didn’t mock me for it.
#and who came in and said goodnight to me and my sister instead of leaving us to o ur own devices because we’re twins and we had each other.
#and 14 years ago today was the day that fully cemented in that she could not be that kind of mom and would never be. and i know she tried so
#hard and i know she has been hurt and is still hurting. but i just want to scream. like everyone deserves a mom who loves them for who they
#are and shit. and how fucking unfair is it that.. like it sounds so selfish and entitled. b it how fucking unfair is it that i got a mom who
#im afraid of and then there are people like fucking… m*lissa err*co and sh*ron wh*atley (those are just the famous ones) who by all
#appearances seem to be like.. not only loving but open. seeing their children as human and magic all at once. instead of a war prize and a
#symbol of their own hardships or whatever. like it’s just so fucking unfair. i hate that this is the way things are for me and that it will
#never change and that if it ever does i have to be the one to change it or i have to heal from it and let go of it. like FUCK that! i want
#love from my mom! FUCK the fact that she can’t give it to me!!! she has to!!!!!! but she won’t. idk. delete post <3
#like so genuinely i should not be even typing these words bc god is gonna smite me now lol. but my heart is howling
#and the shitty thing is i don’t think i’ll be able to be that kind of mom if i ever become one bc of how badly all of this has hurt me. and
#bc of all that i don’t even think i want to become a mom anymore bc i don’t want to be the reason a child feels this way or grows up to.
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