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#im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly
daftpatience
·
2 months
Text
one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it
#theres no peace
#every little thing reminds me we are poor
#seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time
#im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly
#the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job
#and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support
#and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money
#because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live
#its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin
#time
#cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for
#sorry for the ranting i cant sleep
#truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin
#more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful
#i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it
#i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things
#spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income
#not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it
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