#im ready to graduate lmfao no im not i just am having a hard time focusing in school

[jackieandwilsonbyhozier]

im going to talk abt my life and like feelings (embarrassing) for a second bc new years makes me emotional also i hope readmores still work on mobile

i keep trying to make this post but cant figure out how to get all my thoughts together or how to word it . a lot happened this year i guess like my cat got hospitalized which left me with a bill ive spent the entire year paying off. i finally got a job. i got hit by. a fucking car. plus like interpersonal things. it kind of feels like 2018 was slow slow slow and then lots of stuff happened in the last couple months. the fact that i didnt have a job until like the second half of 2018 didnt help

2018 was hard obviously bc every year is hard and horrible but i do think it was different and better than previous years. ive been super depressed for a long time and since graduating high school especially every year just seems to get worse. 2017 was hard as hell bc i spent .. literally the whole year out of school unemployed just laying in bed depressed out of my mind like. super suicidal just completely hopeless and not having the will to do literally anything. for a long long time ive like held on very tight to my misery bc i was afraid to change bc like. its all that i know its who i am i dont know how to not be miserable im afraid to change any aspect of myself or my life even if theyre negative bc im afraid of the unknown. especially in regards to like adulthood like its scary its rly scary having to get a job and try to be an adult and do all these new things i just couldnt do any of it i couldnt even attempt any of it and i was stuck for a long long time bc of it. and the thing is i didnt even want to get unstuck or change or stop being miserable it was a comfortable misery i had no desire to get out of it

however ... i finally got a job this year which rly. set me up to start like functioning and everything i guess. it was so so hard in the beginning like adjusting to. doing something with my life after having spent the past two !!years literally just laying in bed being depressed. and like its still hard but its like. i can do it now. and i feel like i can do more now. like its made me feel more confident with just like. adulthood in general bc its kind of made me realize like i actually can do these things theyre not unattainable. and that its ok for me to want to start to change and like actually imagine a future for myself

like. i still have my moments obviously my depression and everything did not just disappear by any means but like. for the first time i feel like i dont have to be like that like i can actually take the steps to like being ok. like im working hard and learning to do new things and its difficult and its scary but its giving me the means to like move forward and help myself and everything which is something i never even wanted to imagine

i think my like main goal i made last year for 2018 was to get another job with like more consistent hours so i could actually start saving money and stuff and i. did do that. which is great and not something i thought id be able to do. im still only working part time but its definitely a step forward and its going well. i have the last of my cats vet bill to pay off next month and after that im no longer in debt and i can just start saving money. i rly want to be able to move out this year and again idk if ill be able to but it would be rly great to at least be in a place where its something i can seriously consider

also another thing is therapy/medication lol ill have to figure that out but. idk how to explain this but its something ive also been avoiding for a long long time my mindset towards it has pretty much been like. i didnt want it. but i wanted to want it. i didnt want to have to deal with the process of getting diagnosed/having to open up about things/just deal with all that i didnt want to do that at all it just seems so overwhelming and like so much and like. it still does but i kind of feel like its something i can also start seriously considering and kind of like im ready to like make it happen. again ill still have to like figure it out but it is something i actually do want now. which in itself is another rly big step for me lmfao

idk none of this is to say im like Better or anything bc im not by a long shot but its like. i can be. like im taking the steps to get better. and i actually want to get better which is the most significant difference between me now and me the past however many years. just the fact that i actually want to do something abt this like mess makes all the difference so. idk. idk what im actually going to accomplish this year if anything but the fact that im like doing something with myself every day and having goals im working towards and everything i think is more than enough like. im not gonna be down on myself for not accomplishing enough or anything bc ive done a lot and im doing my best finally so .

#this is a lot and embarrassing but i feel like i need to say it #shelby.txt

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

[theday]

all for the ask memes k thnx, im looking forward to the quality content 👏👏👏👏👏👏

 falen already asked me some and i answered those here thank u so much 4 asking jen i hate u but also i love u

OK! Ready: are you looking forward to anything at the moment?

oh worm the new pokemon game lads

Innocent Love: do you remember your first crush? what was it like?

this made me laugh oh fuck again so i was like. 10 and i got a crush on this guy and it lasted for 3 years bc we were in the same class for the next 3 years rip me! but i was so fucking annoying honestly im so glad i managed to Not be like that again with my next few crushes though ofc i was still annoying 2 those and thankfully i am a changed person and honestly i just shouldnt have any crushes bc ill be annoying even if i have learnt from my Bad Past ufhfhhis

god this is is so embarrassing but when i was like 12 someone told him i liked him and i was like bitC????? and u kno normal drama shit my best friend at that time also liked him and i was like !!!!!! wow!!!!! ok!!!!!! and shit happened u know thank fuck i graduated from primary school and i never see them again 

i would send him like o*e dir*ct**n songs bc they had the [redacted] songs and essentially i would send him songs that made me think of him but we werent even friends so he never replied its so fucking funny im gna die i hate that im never talking abt it ever again

Morning Call: what time do you usually sleep and wake up?

its the holidays but i still sleep at 11pm lmofsinwij and i wake up slightly later at 9am it used to be 10am but i hate waking up later than 9am so

Puss in Boots: do you have any pets? (if you don’t, which animal would you want as a pet?)

i want a bird or cat or dog or fish or that!!! one!!! x animal i forgot the name but its kind of like a frog but flatter??? and it has like fins on the sides of its face??? its like :0 ?????? whats the animal someone hmu

Breathless: name the last thing that took your breath away

dare i say it?????????????????? minhyuk which one??? who knows

Polaris: name a place you’d like to go to and an idol you’d like to go there with

omg i instantly thought of amusement park bc i keep remembering the first episode of monsta x’s right now  gdhidnnj so id like 2 go with with hrmrmrmrmmm……… im gonna cry the first person i thought of was minhyuk

Growing Pains: how tall are you?

. 154 cm……….. sanha cant relate 

Confession: imagine your ub confessing to you - how would they do it?

this question is cancelled i dont have an ub and im not gonna list 18 whole scenarios 

Lonely: would you rather be alone with your ub or surrounded by your bias group?

surrounded by my bias group aka all 3 i love living the no bias life 

Star: what’s your star sign?

capricorn same as chae hyungwon and i will never shut up abt that fact bc it makes me happie

Again: top astro ships (doesn’t have to be romantic)

binu

socky

binjin???

Cotton Candy: compare any idol to a dessert 

rocky is warm like lava cake :-0 idk lmfao

You & Me: favourite line from any astro song

oooo weEEEEEEE 

but for real umMMmm i havent actually watched any lyric videos for astro lmao um,,,,,,, so easy to love you??? from csc idk its nice and i wanted to change my bio to that but thats 2 mch effort

Baby: if you could drink out of any of the dream bottles, which would you pick?

give me a second to watch th e baby mv agani 

ok itll be the aroha one bc its probably grape flavoured and the safest 2 consume

Dreams Come True: what do you wish for the most at this point in time?

have i answered this … i want day6 to win that best band performance award BLEASE i thought about how hard they worked and then saw that theyre losing and i almost cried idk much about cnblue so i cant say for sure but i know day6 and theyve worked so fucking hard this year with everyday6 and just?? holding concerts every month and!!!! fuck please if they dont win ill cry and now i just feel so fucking bad bc i couldve voted everyday but i didnt 

Every Minute: you’ve only five minutes left to live. which astro mv would you watch again?

csc bc i need to stream it…….

Lie: if you could watch astro perform one song live, which song would it be?

AGAIN

butterfly: what song do you relate to each member of astro and why?

hRMM (based on the nature of the song itself since i dont know the lyrics also assuming we use astro songs)

myungjun - cat’s eye bc of the the egg……. (also cant believe that video was a year ago tf) also dreams come true bc of his oWWEOOWOOWOoo

jinwoo - confession bc whenever rocky and jinjin rap together i live 2 see another day?? and you smile bc i love jinjins smile :_) and he was jamming out 2 it during the jincha radio 2

dongmin - who is this dreams come true because during the most recent jincha radio didnt jinwoo say smth like… eunwoo this is ur song…idk….

bin - crazy sexy cool since it was said the song was originally meant to be his solo song oh confession for bin too bc every time he says “Hey baby geu ael ijeo” i hear jelly instead thanks jinjin

minhyuk - run because rocky!!! singing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and fireworks bc he choreographed the dance?? iirc…. fuck lets not forget every minute.. iconic.. i love his rap in it

sanha - baby bc hes a babie and he always does the soda sound and dances its so funnie and cute what a loser lmao oh or cotton candy bc the song is rly soft and cute in general??? 

ok thats all bc if i dont stop now ill never shut up….. but searching for the links made me realize how mnay songs they have that have the same title as justin b*eber like… bin please calm urself

run: who do you turn to / what do you do when you’re stressed?

when im stressed i just dont think about it LOL so in the end i dont rly talk abt the reasons for my stress????? if i do itll be 2 falen 

crazy sexy cool: attach your favourite meme of astro

i,,,,,,,,,,,,?????????? my minds blank this is too much its not rly a meme but jinwoo saying its me during that one thing is always so funny 2 me and bell wont shut up abt it so i think abt it like every day

#if u read thru all of these thank u and have an awesome day #also jen thank u so much 4 askin i caant wait for urs lmao #lvoemoonbin #asks

[kahnmengryo]

Right Person....Wrong Time

05/20/2017- It’s funny how the first place we met was at a night club in San Francisco. Although I was shit faced drunk, I remember that night. You came out of nowhere, took me away from my friends and danced with me. Then you took me outside and I remember you told me that you recently graduated from UC BERKLEY in engineering, and you are moving to Boston soon. At that moment in time, I told myself I wouldn’t get so close to you. Out of nowhere I remember throwing up like crazy, and you took care of me that whole night. You never left my side. After the nightclub closed, you added me on Facebook then messaged me later to see if I made it back to my hotel safe.

05/21/2017- That morning I woke up with a hangover. Then I received your message asking me to go on a coffee date with you in Berkley. I agreed to go with you for some odd reason. So I drove out to Berkley to meet you around 1pm at this new coffee shop you wanted to try. I remember vividly; waiting at my crosswalk, and I see you through those large glass windows, with the biggest smile on your face, looking at me. So after chitchatting about our lives for an hour, we walked back to your apartment and cuddled, then you told me “It’s weird how I know you for only a day but I really like you”. I also admitted to liking you as well. 5pm came by and I had to drive back home. I remember you not wanting me to leave. So you wanted to take a picture together then I said goodbye to you and “good luck to you out there out east.” Because I thought I’d never see you again. You looked so sad, and I went back in to give you a hug and oddly told you I’ll meet up with you one more time. That’s when I realized I fell for you HARD…it all hit me fast like a bullet.

 05/26/2017- That day I was supposed to see you around 5pm in Berkley after work. But I called in sick just to have more time with you. I remember you wanted to go on a small trail called “BIG C” (At the top of the hill there was a giant C). I HATE going on trails/hikes, If my good friends suggest a hike I’d decline soo fast…but for you I did it. Half way through the hike there was a giant swing that we sat on together and took pictures on. Then finally got to the top. The view was amazing, we saw almost all of Berkeley, the Bay Bridge, Sf, and the Golden Gate Bridge. 30 minutes after the view, we drove to Oakland for desserts at a place called Shooting Star, then drove back to your apartment to watch a film and nap, then grab food at a place that specialized in Szechuan style food. 8pm came by and we went to Sf to pregame with your friends. Honestly the most memorable thing that night was the TERRIBLE UberX driver we had! Her phone died and we had to pull out our phones to gps, and she missed about 2 turns LMFAO! Anyway, I got to dance with you again for the whole night. Then went back to your place to sleep. 

05/27/2017-9am we woke up and had breakfast at Berkley Social Club for an hour then dropped you off back to your apartment. Again, you did not want me to leave…and I did not either. So you held me and showered me with kisses for a good 2 minutes, then I eventually drove back home. During the whole drive back home I realized you have never slipped out my mind ever since our first date.

06/03/2017- You already moved back to your parents’ place in San Jose since your lease in Berkley was over. We decided to meet up in Sf, I met you up at the Bart station next to Daiso on Montgomery around 12pm. It was super windy that day and you came into the city wearing a tanktop, so I gave you my “Senpai” hoodie and you were telling me “I’m your senpai” lol. So we go to ZARA so I can buy myself a jacket. Then you bought a baby pink jacket because I said, “That’s your color, It looks great on you”.  You wanted to try Mr.Holmes Bakehouse before you move to Boston, unfortunately, by the time we got to the bakehouse, they were closed because they were sold out. So we went to Japantown, had sushi that cost us $90!!! wtff, ugh lol. Then we decided to be basic and bought those dragon breath balls, and you put us on your snapchat and instagram. I felt very special LMFAO! Anyway, we went to Uji, a place that specializes in taiyaki with icecream and you were lowkey regretting not getting the tofu flavored ice cream. Then we uber’d to Dolores park to nap and kill time, and eventually walked 2 miles to this new Italian restaurant that recently opened that you really wanted to try. The food was okay, but what made it better was enjoying the meal with you. After dinner, we we walking to the bart station and out of nowhere you told me “It’s not okay for you to move on from me really fast when I move to Boston”. Which kinda hurt me because that was something I did not want to think about yet. So I told you that during Sf pride im gonna be at the club that we first met, and probably won’t have a great time because I’m gonna think about us the whole time. Eventually, we get on the Bart, I get dropped off at my stop, I kiss you goodbye and wait ‘til the next time to see you again. 

06/09/2017-You messaged me that you were gonna be in Sf again at a club, and you wanted me to go. In a heartbeat, I said yes. 1) because I did not want to think about you dancing with someone else. 2) I just wanted an extra day to be with you.  So I had to last minute rent out a hotel room for the night because your other friends were not comfortable with me crashing with you and them. I got to Sf around 10:30pm. You wanted to meet up at 11pm, so I rushed to get ready and got to the club around 11:30pm. I was there for a good hour and I still didn’t see you. I was a bit heartbroken, to be honest, I felt kinda played. I see you walk up to me, then eventually my face/mood brightened up in an instant. After the club, you decided to head back to with me to my room.

06/10/2017- Waking up to you was the greatest feeling I have ever felt in so long. I know this sounds creepy, but for a good while I was adoring you while you were resting. so I got back to sleep, we wake up around 10:20am and check out is at 11am. We got alittle horny, and I wanted you to top me so bad. I thought it was cute how you told me you are inexperienced at sex, then thanked me for letting you top me, and you wanted me to top you next time. LOL! even thought it wasn’t the best, I was really really happy that it was with you. Soo we did check out pretty late and drove to the Nike store because you wanted to buy the BeTrue series for pride. After you bought the pair of shoes you really wanted, you had the biggest smile on your face and was holding onto the bag soo close to your body. I was so mesmerized by your happiness, that it made me happy.  Then we drive to San Jose for lunch and to drop you off home. During the car ride, you were singing to your cute love songs, and I was singing along. What’s weird is I NEVER sing along or in front of people (not even my close friends), because I hate my singing voice, but I was so comfortable with you…that I sang along. So we had ramen for lunch, watched a movie, then went to Dave and Busters. It was around 6:30pm and I had to drop you off back home so you can have dinner with your family.

I knew today was the last day I was gonna see you before you fly out to Boston on the 14th.  So I told you everything I felt, because…what else do I have to lose? Lastly, I asked what we were? I knew not to expect much, but you said something along the lines of, “We are just friends…with really strong feelings for each other”. Honestly, I wasn’t able to process anything correctly at that moment, because everything was happening too fast and a bunch of emotions were going through my mind….I told you, “I enjoyed every second I had with you, even the quiet moments. I’m glad I met you. Good luck out in Boston, have a safe flight….and hope to see you soon.” So I kissed and hugged you goodbye, watch you walk back to your parents’ house, then drove back home….now here I am…writing about you.

#personal #you guys are amazing if you read all of this #TW #i dont think i could ever get over him