#in contradiction with everything helaena is about to be put through

[filmoflifeburst]

He Knows not what Love is

Notes:

*ABO settings. Alpha!Lucerys x Omega!Aemond

*Originally posted on LOFTER, now I post the English version.

Summary：

He knows not what love is that has no children.

*

Aemond hated the things that came along with this failed marriage.

He woke up early on the morning of the second day of his new marriage with pain. The pain in the glands at the back of his neck and deep in his body grew stronger than as his consciousness woke up. It occurred to him, self-deprecatingly, that Lucerys Velaryon seemed destined only to bring him constant, repeated pain and humiliation. At first Alicent tried to reassure him: at least it was clear that Lucerys didn't have the guts to oppress you, and that you could kick him out of the way once you'd gotten your hands on his inheritance.

She was telling the truth: Lucerys was only fifteen when he married him, no more mature than Helaena had been when she married. And to his "dismay", his husband, an Alpha, was weak and incompetent. Sometimes he would provoke Lucerys, "Where's that little bit of courage you had to poke me blind, Strong?" and he would shamefully avoid the subject - or rather look guilty. His blind king father was very pleased with the Strong grandson, and even thought they were a good match; Aemond would play along with Lucerys when he was in a good mood - which was rare. More often than not, the sarcasm makes it easier for him.

He had long since grown tired of his pretence of asking for his opinion or feigning thoughtfulness. Perhaps the Bastard Lord still didn't get what a political marriage really meant, as he mentioned to his brothers once. And his brother simply stated quietly, "He likes you."

Aemond told him to shut up.

He also hated everyone who made a farce of his life, especially when they would glance back and forth at his belly or turn around and start whispering to each other.

Lucerys' attempts to placate him only made him feel more irritated. During the night, they continued to fulfil their duties to each other. Although each time it seemed like a dirty, sordid humiliation. Lucerys would sit up with his back to him afterwards, and Aemond thought he could put something through his heart, but he was too tired to move. He had no interest whatsoever in conceiving a child, although the desire to have children was never considered to be in Omegas’ nature.

But it was "natural" for a short time - his first pregnancy caused quite a ruckus. He dares to say that most of the smiles and compliments were monotonous flattery. The sort of thing only Viserys, that fool of a king, would have liked. At least there were still people who genuinely wished him well.

"Everything will be fine with the baby." Helaena assured him.

Aemond opened his mouth to contradict her, because apparently their marriages didn't bear much resemblance to each other. He took a breath and swallowed the vile contents back into his throat. Maybe she had a point, who knew? He'd never imagined what it would be like to be a mother himself, and maybe it would be better than both Alicent and Rhaenyra, too. The little thing that was half his and half Strong's blood had been quiet in his belly for quite some time. He didn't even notice its presence at first until he couldn't stop himself from dry heaving at lunch one time and the Queen turned her head to look at him keenly, "You're pregnant?"

It was only then that he realised with a start that he had not had his hot flush for four whole months, and that it was bound to come every month, despite its inherent and often disordered nature. So he acknowledged the fact with haste, chagrin and horror. It took less than a day for it to spread throughout the Redoubt. He ended up throwing up even more the next day, with Lucerys patting him on the back.

By the sixth month, he was finally starting to be vulnerable like most Omegas. He felt anxious about the unknown birth and could not relieve it. Lucerys didn't shy away from this responsibility, but Aemond could smell that he was equally uncertain about everything: how to be a father, how to bring up a child. Aemond can only do what he hates most: wait, wait, and keep waiting.

At least when he or she was old enough to step into the schoolyard and hold a practice sword, he would correct his grip himself - he was sure it would be a boy. Perhaps he would have purple eyes, just like his old ones, even if he would be given a name that had nothing to do with him: Velaryon, so what, he was of true dragon blood.

The child that was supposed to be born and raised without any problems turned out to be an endless torment to him. It made no difference if he had been born dead or if he hadn't been dead long afterwards, he just felt angry. All the time and energy that had been wasted had not resulted in anything. What made him even more upset was that he still had to fight the urge to mentally prepare for the same process next time, just for a bit of inheritance and a hostage who would carry weight in times of war. At least it hurt him to see the King and his wife depressed about it for a while. He would have tried to resist, but Omega's instincts would have led him to throw himself at Lucerys like a brute in heat - the King and Queen were tacitly forbidden to offer him moon tea by the Grand Maester. There were times when Lucerys simply bit him on the back of the neck so as to revive him, and as Aemond stared at him with shame, Lucerys replied, "Neither of us consented."

"I thought you were in love with me." The words were more like a provocation.

Surprisingly, Lucerys Velaryon gave a slight nod. That was a bit too much of a joke. Then Velaryon scratched his hair rather uncomfortably, "I'm not so sure, you know, when an Alpha has marked Omega ......"

"That's enough." He didn't want him to say any more. Especially now.

"The thing about the child can probably wait." Lucerys gripped his shoulder, "I want to, to give myself a little more time to prepare. Or you could say that I want to take a little more time, you know, with you, both of us."

"Don't." He replied, "I don't want to spend a fucking minute more with you."

Suffice it to say, he waited vigilantly for the hot flush to come each month definitely because he wanted a reason to be able to get away from him. He'd endured enough in the meantime, whether it was hints from the King and Alicent or the occasional small talk from the palace people in the Red Keep: about the child he'd lost, of whom Aemond had little or no memory. It was as if he had never existed at all. There was no point in wasting emotion on something that was gone. He was also tired of trolling Lucerys, they had been together for so long that sometimes even he felt that the rhetoric was becoming more tedious every day. Lucerys, on the other hand, seemed to him like a lost puppy, circling him day in and day out. I have to say that it was a pleasure to boss him around - no matter what time of day it was.

The arrival of the second child meant that Aemond had to put down his sword and lance for a while. But he was able to ride slowly around the Red Keep, "slowly" only because he was somewhat annoyed by the cramps in his belly that came whenever he tried to accelerate.

It was also the year that Aemond discovered that Lucerys had become taller than him.

And then, they had a daughter. The day after she was born Aemond held her in his arms for the first time - everyone had suspected before then that she would die in the night. She didn't. Even so he still felt nothing for her: she had the same red, wrinkled face as all babies, wriggling restlessly in the crook of his arm, and it was impossible to tell who she resembled more. But her thin, soft hair was silver. He would have been more than happy to take a closer look at her in another place, but at least not now, not here, not with Viserys, Alicent Hightower and Rhaenyra Targaryen looking at him at the same time. Then the king said to Rhaenyra, "She looks like you when you were born."

"What name do you want to give her?" Rhaenyra asked.

"Rhaenys," Viserys looked to Lucerys, "just after your grandmother, my cousin."

"No," Aemond said, "call her Visenya."

The uncomfortable silence lasted for a moment. He turned his head and gave Lucerys a look. The young Alpha took a step forward and stood in front of him in an almost ridiculously heroic gesture. "Visenya is a great name. After all, there's a chance that ...... 'Rhaenys' can wait for another time."

You want a fucking "another time? Aemond wanted to break open his brain with his bare hands and see what was inside. At the same time he noticed that the king's smile froze for a moment before he agreed. Even so, they took long enough to leave, Visenya Velaryon having fallen asleep on her own - though of course he doubted she could do anything but suckle, sleep, howl and drool. The truth was that, even later in life, he didn't feel maternal or even extra affection for the baby, as the vast majority of people had previously claimed. It was ironic that having a child made him feel more free than he had before. The latter showed unprecedented enthusiasm for his daughter: he tried relentlessly to teach her to talk, or to rock her in his arms, and one night even wrote a few sprawling letters to Rhaenyra Targaryen asking for advice on child-rearing.

Although Alicent occasionally hinted that both he and Lucerys still needed a 'spare' heir, they both coincidentally lost the desire to exhaust each other every night, except at special times. Lucerys still blushes with shame at the thought of asking him for another kiss, but for Aemond there is no need to hide the need to satisfy his carnal desires.

He spent his twenty-third naming day in the blandness of cold water.

Aemond's first thought was that Aegon's daughter was so old. But she was huffing and puffing as if she wanted to say something, and Aegon looked like he was clearly not going to ask and scowled at him, so he suppressed his impatience and knelt down to ask, "What are you going to say?"

She was quick enough to wrap her arms around his neck and then scream, "Mummy!"

Oh, I have a daughter. He snapped to attention. She was actually this tall already and could talk.

"Mummy Aemond, your cub seems to be lost. "Aegon attempted to mimic Vesonia's boyish accent come across as comical.

Aemond picked her up with ease and Visenya Velaryon dug into the nook of his neck - possibly with tears and snot smeared on it. He turned to Aegon again, "Have you seen Strong?"

"No, otherwise she wouldn't have gotten here." The older brother surveyed them with interest, "You know, your daughter looks a lot like Rhaenyra."

"I don't know." Aemond said, "At least it proves that she is indeed of Strong's daughter."

"Too bad her dragon egg didn't hatch." Aegon said, "Quite pretty looking, I could have married her if I didn't have Helaena."

"You're dreaming." Aemond asked to Visenya, "Where is Lucerys?"

She shook her head cautiously. Though she was still a small and soft and fragile toddler, Aemond felt she was going to be strangled herself if she didn't let go. In the gentlest of tones - as best he could - he told her, "Will you let go of me first, Visenya Velaryon."

A look of stubbornness emerged on that still tearful, boyish face, practically thundering with that of some bastard named Lucerys. He wasn't going to let Aegon continue to see the joke. "Older brother, if you like it so much, why don't I give it to you now as an adopted daughter?"

"Her father will come to me for a duel." Aegon said, "Look, here he comes."

Lucerys face looked surprised to see them, but the surprise was short-lived and Aegon was the first to break the silence, "Daddy Strong, I didn't expect you to find them here. I'll leave you two to talk."

"That's enough, I'm really going to flesh it out." Aemond changed his stance as his older brother left to his own devices. visenya watched them quietly. "Why can't you even watch a child? "

"The king approached me for a few words." Lucerys replied, "I didn't watch her for a moment and she ran off."

"What if she hadn't found me?" He pursued, "Fall into the river, worse - the moat? Poked through with iron spikes? Or taken someone who came in to catch rats?"

"My bad."Lucerys looked ashamed, and then he rejoined him, "I was going to take Visee to see your mother."

"She's always had it in for you." Visee? True to form. "You're just going to give it away?"

"I got used to it a long time ago." Lucerys asked hopefully, "Are you with us? maybe things will be better."

Aemond thought of several sarcastic words to say to him. Visenya leaned out and opened her arms to Lucerys, who quite expertly sat her on his shoulders while holding out his hand to prevent her from falling off, and Aemond found his look amusing.

It wasn't long before Visenya began to clearly display th ande naivety and foolishness she had inherited from Lucerys, always expressing her love for him, through hugs and words, as Lucerys often did. For two years she called him "Mummy", as she always did, and he felt offended by this. It was a rather tragic reality that he had never had anything but them, even after the war. Perhaps Aemon Velaryon should have been added after that - but their son was born with a flair for rebellion. At High Tide, he chewed over what Helaena had once said to him: you need to learn to love, Aemond.

Aemond has never understood what "love" is supposed to feel like. The bond between brothers and sisters was clearly different from it, and what was there between him and Lucerys beyond the simple hatred that allowed them to face each other with peace? He would ask Lucerys as he hooked his legs up his back to meet his movements, what the fuck do you love about me. He poked his eyes out of his loose brown hair to crawl up his cheek and replied sharply, everything. So Aemond tried his best to mock him in the most condescending tone he could maintain at the time, You sure are an obedient dog, aren't you, Strong?

If that's love, he thought as he rose to wipe the sweat from his forehead and gazed at the red, bleeding scratches on Lucerys back, then not everyone would want it. "Do you want to hear me say, 'I love you' yourself?"

Lucerys' tone was unusually calm, "I don't care about that as much as I used to."

"Then, I love you." It would have been a lot easier to say it as if it were a little lie. It wasn't even that difficult to say with only three words. He thought, then caught gratitude, love and something else in the other man's eyes. He realised that he was still a cunning, greedy snake, claiming his infantile feelings to feed on, to fill the gaping hole of emptiness created by a single-minded hatred.

He would remember the vows he had made then - neither of them had been made out of sincerity at the time - one body, one mind, one soul, it had been too hard to do, and in some things he could never forgive him. On the bright side, at least he had begun to try, or to admit, to "love" him, and the children they had raised together, though he hadn't realised it yet.

It's amazing how fast children grow, though Aemond was unpleasant to see the growing resemblance between his daughter and the young Rhaenyra. On Visenya Velaryon's seventh naming day he gave her a sword, even though at this moment she is still practising with the wooden sword - slightly shrunken of course - and will not be able to use it until she is a little older.

That day Aemond shooed aside High Tide's head teacher and Lucerys, who had been watching, and Visenya simply turned her head to look at him curiously, her serious look unchanged, only her eyes lighting up. He stood behind her and took her hand, then corrected the position of each of her fingers. Lucerys smiled at him while Visenya held her breath.

"Hold it, then stand sideways." He leaned down and told her.

#lucemond #aemond targaryen #lucerys velaryon #asoiaf #a song of ice and fire #dance of the dragons #fire and blood #fanfic #lucerys x aemond