#irreversible changes. society. literally everything. fucking hell............

[non-un-topo]

Spending hours trying to figure out why I feel so irritable and sensitive today and I’m only realizing now it might have something to do w being invited to a birthday party full of an entire family I’ve never met and like seven very small children and the person inviting me assuming I would love that. I want to support her bc I like her and she’s family now, but I cannot---I will not---go to another family event and be pushed into the kitchen doing dishes with the women or cooing over someone’s baby who just stares at me and whines when I try to mask and say hello.

#my period ended so it ain't that. #maybe i'm a horrible person. i just want to be left alone for seven solid days. and i certainly do not want to be forced- #-to interact with children. they scare me. real bad. #maybe this also has something to do with my readings for this week and the fact that we're going to be discussing 'womanhood'. #like the subject is 'what IS a woman to you?' and i am not really looking forward to listening to 15 cis girls tell me- #-how awful it is and how much pain they themselves endured while entirely not acknowledging the existence of trans women #or gnc women. #why am i so irritable jfc. #every time i talk like this to my partner they give me that look lol. the look that's like 'uh huh. i know a trans person when i see one.' #and i'm like shhhhhhh. no. don't say that. shhhh. i don't want to be. i hate myself okay and my family scared me out of it. #wish i could fucking shapeshift. wish i was just fucking born with a dick and a flat chest. actually i wish i was two people. #so i could decide from day-to-day and not have to worry about irreversible changes. #how much of my alleged transness is just internalized misogyny? <- this is a question i ask very very quietly to myself #because i think it's what my mother thinks. and most of the world. #how do i learn to be comfortable AS a masculine woman? i have no one to look up to who can teach me or show me it's okay. #i have transmasc friends who are elated to go on T. i'm scared that they will make me want to do it again. why tf am i scared of that... #irreversible changes. society. literally everything. fucking hell............ #no one talks about this particular experience of gender. no one talks about the in-between and the immense fear. at least no one to me. #why am i even taking gender studies in university if every class is full of cis women who don't even know the terminology of transness #or of gender-expansiveness... #i think i've become a very sour person in the last few years. #need to vent through writing or something. like through fanfiction.