#it also makes me hypervigilant bc of thinking about parents so every sound of ppl moving makes me AHH

[steampoweredskeleton]

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#delete later #im creeping closer to a meltdown i can feel it #fuck! #im still not recovered from yhe job i had literally 10 months ago and now im injured and chronic pain bad. #and aunt dying/v ill so i have to work in home visits #which is of course making my dreams every night aboit my parents which ya know not fun #which means i wake up qnxious and exhausted qnd dont want to sleep #feels vaguely like im falling apart at the seams and it's exhausting abd frustrating bc i cajt fucking do anything #i want to sekf destruct but obviously i can't so im squashing it but that means no outlet #so im trying to do things with my hands like painting etc but im also exhausted #it also makes me hypervigilant bc of thinking about parents so every sound of ppl moving makes me AHH #which isnt anyones fault but sucks. i both want a hug and dont want anyone to touch me #which seems to be my default setting which is such bullshit like come on #this knee injury has just fucked me. i was doing so good. i might have to get surgery and im very scared #i dont want anyone to see me or touch me especially not when im unconscious but theyll have to #and i wont be able to recover completely on my own but I hate ppl doing things for me. i want to be able #to do it on my own. theres always a way to. but also its not practical abd a part of me doesnt want to do it on my own #which i suppose is the forever conflict right. needing to be in control and independent and not being able to be #thats the part of my autism i hate the most. i both feel so little understanding and connection with ppl yet i need help and #input from others so much. bc i can't understand so many things #just. EURGH #don't mind me just whining again. ill get over it give me two weeks