#it was nice not being constrained by the insta word limit

[soldier-poet-king]

Moral purity OCD ever send u into a spiral so bad at work u nearly miss lunch and don't do ur literal job

Instead u spend literally hours reading critical book reviews and working yourself up because oh god oh no someone said something was problematic about a book/show/etc that you love deeply and now ur brain is convinced ur a terrible bad demon person? For consuming the Problematic Content? Even tho in your saner moments you realize this is stupid and the internet has NO capacity for nuance and SURELY there's a middle ground between "I said this was problematic (without basis) and youre morally impure for enjoying it" and "there's is no such thing as privilege or racism or appropriation" SURELY

I also have to stop letting my flight or fight send me into obsessive spirals it's like. Who tf cares if this internet person with poorly formed opinions thinks [thing you love] is problematic! 1) they're probably not correct, but formed out of bad faith internet discourse 2) even if they are correct, problematic isn't contagious and you aren't morally impure for reading smthn supposedly problematic 3) your OCD is morphing a genuine concern about cultural and racial issues into self flagellation because ur white, the same way it takes minor tenents of Christianity and spins them into ways for you to punish and/or damn yourself. 4) disagreement doesn't need to be conflict or mean your bad and wrong. The internet has no nuance and treast disagreement as moral impurity. You were raised in a dysfunctional family where you still live and were trained to see the slightest disagreement or tone of voice as a danger so that is also making the obsessions and fear worse. It's a brain disease.

But also WHAT IF???

Tldr My specific neuroses feed on and magnify the internets lack of nuance or ability to think critically making me convinced I'm a terrible bad person for believing in my ideals and my heart and duty and Goodness, and this leads to a existential pessimism spiral where everything is meaningless and I have no purpose but ALSO I have to punish myself and go to great lengths to prove I'm not A Bad Person because nothing is worse than being a Bad Person (defined by what metrics? Oh that would be too easy, it changes every OCD episode)

#franposting #anyway. today has been bad #im making coffee #yes caffeine but I'm so strung up #that Cafeeine wont hurt more and hot drink sensation tricks the brain into calm #yes this was about hote #yes this Literally came out of Nowhere my brain is the fuckin WORST #im slightly more tired and sun deprived than usual so i guess its time to obsess #and fulfill my moral purity compulsions or else im a bad person with undefined but very bad consequences #and also maybe ppl i love will die and everyone will hate me #i DID get to that review of hote tho. and like goodreads sucks for many reasons #incl bad algorithm and amazon #but i liked review writing. maybe ill do more of it #it was nice not being constrained by the insta word limit #i got nervous about GR reviews before bc comments and what if ppl get mad #(see. my inability to not panic at disagreement and need to be a ppl pleasrr) #but also. fuck that. the internet is lakcing nuance and ppl are dumb #AND ALSO. i know im right (mostly)! #i hold my opinions bc i believe in them so ofc i should be allowed to endorse them! even over silly books!!! #and im allowed to be idealistic and loving and a supporter of the common and ordinary good #that doesnt make me evil