#it’s kinda despairing that what I like and who I am are utterly incompatible with the

[happy10thousandyears]

Con thoughts

#honestly I really appreciate the creator of my ex fandom trying to give me job opportunities but I think if I have to work in my ex fandom #the creator is really chill and awesome but #as an official artist I’ll try to overdose to die everyday #or at least if I don’t normalize before then #I need to normalize #I mean it’s not even like im currently being traumatized I just spiral #everything I interact with anything outside of my immediate interest circle #because everyone are like so lobotomized in there like I feel im a person among zombies #like how can you just be on a comedy show and have people laugh by just referencing stuff #I don’t get their humor their lack of appreciation for creative effort and their general mental attitude #they are so averse to engaging with anything that aren’t in your face with garish gaudy colors #it’s an ugly franchise and an artless thoughtless fandom #I feel like the opening scene of shizuku where im just siting among people who im utterly alienated to #thinking about the end of the world #I know I sound really whiny to my friends bc I was telling them about stuff but #also it's not like it's hard on me or anything I spiral kinda daily unprompted already it's just . wow it's not in my head only anymore #the insanity is irl.. it's just more surreal to have the zombies I would despise irl around me #it’s kinda despairing that what I like and who I am are utterly incompatible with the #hundreds of people surrounding me during the 3 days of this con #it's like the online fandom but real and more massive #I do kinda sound ungrateful that I'm going to a con and meeting the creator of my fave series is like . rare but also #MAN kinda a bummer I wish my fave character's VA is there so I can gouge his eyes out (joke) AHEM have a Polite conversation with him #because he played the character in the way I loathed (hammy) like I would ASK him to read the books the character is in .or I start gouging #but I am also having fun??? #a white man mansplained my fave to me (who was wearing whole ass ita bag of my fave) bc he though he know more about him than me bc he read #the character's wiki entry . I love it it's surreal I feel like an older god . I can smite this man yet he yaps on unknowingly #I've drawn 2k+ fanart of this obscure deeplore character you've read on the wiki mr tenth doctor cosplayer white man #I can cast u into hellfire .. ? Mr white American man ..