#it's 2 am and i'm thinking about drawing all the things that've really made me feel butch lately

[sapsolais]

<3

#it's 2 am and i'm thinking about drawing all the things that've really made me feel butch lately #it's like a small scrapbook in my heart #lots of smaller moments when i get on my knees and help my kids tie their shoes. or make them smile or laugh by doing something silly #or whenever i do my best to be there for them when they need me #showing my grandpa the leather jacket he gave me after i got it altered to fit me better #going shopping for my mom the day before her birthday party. the moment i drove her home when she wasn't feeling well #“pissing off” my coworker by being polite and doing small things for her like putting her lunch in the fridge when she forgets to put it in #whenever i get all my coworkers food or snacks and insist they don't owe me anything #the other day when i was helping my boss pull weeds with my coworkers and i proudly held up a clump the size of my head like an excited dog #last week when some ladies were trying to start a car that wouldn't turn over and i let them use my battery pack #when i hold the door open for people at the gym #when other queers (friends/mutuals/my kids) say or show that they feel safe around me. like they can be themselves #when i came home the other day after my mom told me my uncle died and came inside and dropped off my stuff #and went to give my grandma a hug. i didn't know what to say. and i sort of knew there was nothing i could say. but i didn't have to #i was just there. and i think i Got It in that moment. like. what it really means. to have someone completely and wholly #collapse into you. even if they're trying not to show it. but you try and hold them together. i think it's about trying #trying to let people know you love them. in everything you are and everything you do. #there's other moments too #like pushing gracie really fast in a shopping cart in an empty parking lot shdjghfnh #or the other day when lyd twitch streamed 2 me and let me quietly fold laundry with them #or when i'm up talking with toast and veronica and 3 in the morning #moments where i'm shown unconditional love and kindness and wholly accepted even if it's just for that moment in time #allowed to be myself without stifling any part of me #if you're reading this i love you #:] #g'night #sap says