#it's pretty fun when brain is like 'whee this is enriching!!' mode but thinking abt it now is like. what the hell. dude that's tiring

[hua-fei-hua]

pretty sure adhd has primed me perfectly for getting absolutely obsessed with video game optimization

#this is a little tiring honestly like please go back to being obsessed with making characters kiss again #mostly what this is doing is shoving me into pools way beyond my depth (simulators where i have to read Real Documentation) #(in order to use the programming bc buttons intuitive to normies are not a part of anything's base functioning) #it's pretty fun when brain is like 'whee this is enriching!!' mode but thinking abt it now is like. what the hell. dude that's tiring #people are right when they say that a human given no work to do will eventually make up tasks to do #and i do think that people are naturally eager to learn and absorb new information #are we innately good or evil idk for certain but i do think we are innately curious and eager to learn #it's fascinating to think abt too bc this is like a totally different dimension to hobby engagement than what i usually do #(aka create transformative works and post to tumblr/ao3) #i was brushing my teeth wondering how the people so deep into the meta aspect of video game hobby stuff archive like #their simulations their guides their spreadsheets and calculations and everything #since while fannish it's not on ao3 even tho i'm pretty sure that SOMETHING in there counts as valid to put on ao3 #and then i realized 'oh. they have github.' and their own hosting sites and whatnot #ao3 really does display a very particular view of fandom that i'm realizing is not What Modern Fandom(tm) Is #so in this regard my adhd is serving me well by giving me interest in a broad range of things that relate to the hyperfixation #oh my god this feels like the hobby equivalent of writing good lab reports bc you enjoy writing as an art and the science you study #at least this documentation is very readable even if i don't have enough experience w compsci to be able to absorb #and maintain all the information on a single read w/o actually following the instructions/examples myself a few times #still it's kind of bothersome to be hyperfixated sometimes. like can i please just go back to daydreaming abt the characters kissing #花話 #but yeah the fandom experience going on here is pretty different. it's less social i think despite taking place in a discord server #it feels almost like an academic conference or smth? hmmm. bc scrolling through fandom tags on social media #and then consuming fan content like that and interacting w creators directly there as a focus is very *social*!!!