#its a lot easier to dissappear online than it is to in real life.

[kiwibirb1]

I never really got sick as a child, or at least never really missed school because I was sick. I would roll my eyes whenever my sister stayed home for what felt like the littlest things to me. Like you have a headache and it hurts a lot? Wow, we all do, get over it. But I'm realizing now that I did get sick. Not a lot, but the normal amount y'know? But I thought that it wasn't that bad, so I didn't tell anyone, and just continued on. If no one else noticed how much pain I was in, then I must not really be in that much pain. And this has kind of stuck with me throughout life? Like take the incident that happened a little over a month ago now. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I was sick to some extent for nearly a continous month, which explains why I had no energy at all during that time. I simply brushed it off as not enough sleep, despite my habits having not changed in months and it only just now affecting me. It all came to an head during this two week stretch. I would be out sick one day, and immediately force myself back the next, despite not actually being better. This continued for a while, until I actually fainted for a second and was forced to take the rest of the week off. I was most definitely sick than, and likely had been for a while, but I just didn't notice and didn't tell anyone because I thought that was normal. To always be in pain. I'm sure having chronic pain hasn't helped with this at all, but I'm also always sore when I shouldn't be. Everything hurts and it's just so fucking hard and I can't bring myself to tell anyone because little baby me ingrained it in myself that it really isn't that bad if no one else mentions it, so it all must be in your head. It hurts so fucking much.

#vent post #sorry. im... im noy doing great right now. this post kind of spiraled as well. #i hate that my body is like this. that i have to be in so much pain all the time. that no one believes im in so much pain. #because i dont act like im in pain. at all. ever #because im used to it. this has been my entire life but its gotten so much worse lately and i keep getting fucking more emotionally mature #and realizing “ph hey thag isnt normal” and it suck so much. its just to much sometimes. #sorry i just #its easier to talk about it here #because this is where i first learned about what chronic pain really is. and thay othed peopls hurt like me too #and... the whole hiding behind a screen thing. #its a lot easier to dissappear online than it is to in real life. #sorry.