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dahniwitchoflight · 3 years

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Homesquared Chapter 16

Alrighty, that was a fun tangent, now back to John it seems?

Oh, no, Narration of John (So Actually Dirk, speak of the devil and he shall appear and all that etc etc)

“ leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had. “

pfft lol so Im not the only one that thought it would be funny if that scene was interpreted in a Pale Romantic light, even though that really wasn’t what was happening

OIh! but we still get Roxy, just the other version of Roxy

Roxy subtly being like “hey!! shit has apparently gone down, were not exactly close atm but I feel bad about you dying to want to know if youre still alive so im gonna message you while trying to make it look like i dont care about it as much as I do”

JOHN: trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so

and the wonderful question is, what IS going be happening with you now John?

Roxy looking nice and casual, but also yeah narration, why are you making this ominous, its not like Roxy’s out here to double spy on behalf of Jane, I don’t think Roxys on her side THAT much

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out

ROXY: but so far so good

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Roxy once again being a master of hiding how shes feeling, even when trying to open up, feeling pretty stressed about whats happening with Jane, understandable, the exclamation points give it away lol

The narration is really trying to make John nervous though

OH lol that was the implication haha no lol John it obviously wasn’t that

“John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced? He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.“

lol once again, Dirk has no idea how to read Roxy at all and just trips over himself and his assumptions XD

Yeah, looks like Roxy not on the Jane train and is doing some takesies backsies, shes glossing over her feelings on the matter still though, I know thats par for the course of how Roxy tends to handle stuff too but I wish shed open up a bit more, but maybe shes playing the smart game, yknow, knowing that Dirk has a hard time reading her, so glossing over stuff is how you protect yourself against the narrative force, confusion and vaguery in the narrative and her actions only helps her to keep control over it, because at any point, you can decide to “clear up” any narrative “miscommunication” or “confusion” and lay down what is it thats actually happening with you any time you want

Void working in the behind the scenes to do what they want

JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE.

JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house?

JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self?

JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know?

JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something?

JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames.

JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it.

JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late?

JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison.

JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good.

JOHN: but that’s just bullshit.

JOHN: it DID feel good.

JOHN: i DO feel free.

JOHN: sorry.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize

ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn

JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Im pretty sure you’re talking about a gender thing John, like, very 100% sure now this is what’s happening

because if you were actually a girl, of course you’re dad leaving all these notes about how one day hes gonna be so proud of the man youll become, yeah, that can feel a little pressuring, even if your dad didnt mean it like that, since he was unfailingly the kind of dad just bumbling around trying to understand their kid as best they could and leave encouragements everywhere, thats what his intent was, but all his notes come off a bit wrong in particular issues

remember the note under the fridge that was all like “SON. IF YOURE READING THIS NOTE, YOUVE FINALLY BECOME STRONG ENOUGH OF A MAN TO PICK UP THE FRIDGE.” not exactly that but that was always the vibe Dad’s little notes always had

Yeah, i can see how John would view it as a bit off, but if he hadnt the self awareness to realize it was a gender thing at the time, hed be understandly confused as to why such a thing would bother him

now though, he’s realizing, maybe, he doesn’t exactly want to be the man his dad always encouraged him to be

John does seem a lot happier here in his convo with Roxy than he did on his own when the house was burning, that conversation with karkat left me wondering if John was about to start dissociating he was so down, but here he says he feels freeing and happy about it?

ROXY: but like now that u mention it

ROXY: *meaningful pause*

JOHN: …

JOHN: i

JOHN:

John’s beginning to question stuff, or acknowledge that he’s questioning stuff, cuz it’s true, and hes feeling happy about it, in a way that he wasnt before, but he hasnt quite connected the dots here between the happy feeling and what exactly he has to be happy about

ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push

ROXY: we both got sick muscles

ROXY: no other adjectives necessary

JOHN: yeah ok.

Yeah Roxy’s 100% picked up on it, and maybe Dirk has as well if the narration is commenting on it

Alrighty then, to the secret lair under the bed!

oh I just noticed how kind of cute and interesting Roxy’s nickname for Harry is, “Lil H A” Harry Anderson shortens to Ha like laughter haha

and if Harry had Roxy’s last name, it’d be Harry Anderson Lalonde

Lil HAL

lol what is Callie doing under Roxy’s secret bedchamber XD

This whole secret bedchamber thing is turning into one big metaphor isn’t it?

That thing behind the curtain kind of looks like the Attic Portal shape from Hiveswap though

that’d be neat if that was it, like obviously we knew one of the cherubs had to have something to do with that portal just going by the design of it alone

Honestly it makes sense that Callie is doing it under the curtain of Roxy’s Void, it’s honestly the safest place to do something like that

lol Calliope has grown past writing fanfic about shipping and being in love, now the drama of broken relationships and divorce is all the rage XD character growth? haha

CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr.

CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point.

Calliope just burned him harder than his childhood home’s destruction

CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are.

have you been talking to Jake lol (I mean, probably Original Grandpa Jake tbh if that portal is actually the portal)

Alright so John is getting caught up on the major plot points, Earth C is indeed in the large black hole, his choice didn’t matter since both choices happened anyway yadda yadda

CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip.

CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads".

CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads.

yup yup yup pretty par for the course of timesplits in homestuck so far

CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are".

yup, this is true, the ending’s of both referenced the others, so it’s disingenuous to say one is “canon” while the other isn’t

one is simply in the realm of actual possibility, the other is in the realm of unlikely possibility

More than likely, John would have chosen to leave and go die and be the hero like in Meat, but there was still the possibility that he would stay, even if it was unlikelier than the other, but since both were possible choices for him to realistically make, both actually happened for real

CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity

that’s interesting, so there’s the original meteor that crashed into the surface of Earth C, and it’s in here that the singularity of what I don’t wanna call the Green Hole to match the Green Sun when I wanna talk about this specific Black Hole lolol

but yeah, here in this meteor lies the crux of the paradox it seems, interesting, also interesting again, this is where that Hiveswap Portal is

Hiveswap does have a plot point of “Joey must do thing in 11 days otherwise Earth and Alternia will be destroyed” and the only known destruction event of Earth and Alternia so far in canon is the Green Sun’s Creation from the destruction of both universes (and then later Callie’s destruction of the green sun into the black hole) so is Hiveswap gonna be a factor in the green sun’s destruction/creation as well? (Joey has the symbol of the Green Sun for a reason, I’m super curious as to what factor Joey has in relation to the Green Sun’s Existence, We still don’t know what the fact those black monsters are too, they’re like nega-first guardians, the kind of things that look like would come out of a Black Hole that came from the Green Sun tbh)

It’s all inter-related I tells ya

ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love

JOHN: aw.

You say that now but

CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them.

CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish.

CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart!

CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been.

yeah that’s basically how this multiverse’s reality works, the future is a thing that already physically exists, just in a different location in the universe somewhere else

time travel and spacial teleportation could be said to be the same thing all along

that’s why violating the events of the future has actual consequences, because its like asking to go somewhere that doesn’t exist but how has to exist because it’s the future, too much of that and reality starts cracking at the seams to make room

same thing happens with sessions and playing sburb

the planets and dreaming moons and all that simultaneously have always existed here, and started existing only because the player played the game and the planets were generated upon entering a session, but to the player involved, it looks and feels like you are just being teleported to a different location in the universe, because you also kind of are

CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary.

CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence.

CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon.

CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist!

So you’re just in a little seperated bubble, that’s not connect temporally to any other place of existence, you aren’t anywhere in the past or the future of anywhere else

nowhere leads here, and here can not lead outwards either, theoretically, and yes it exists, so it must also

JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...?

CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal.

CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific.

JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that.

CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U

CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley.

CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u=

CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So someone else definitely has managed to do such a thing

JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything?

JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal?

CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not.

CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm.

JOHN: oh.

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval.

CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality.

CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u

JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

yeah, so because here in the black hole neither affects the past or the future of anywhere else, being so disconnected, they are technically free of the reigns of the Alpha Timeline that exists elsewhere in the multiverse

the Alpha Timeline now being understood to simply mean, The Narrative

Things are the way they are because they are thus written to be so

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth.

CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher.

ROXY: its total bs is what it is

CALLIOPE: right, yes.

CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite.

CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Hmmm. It’s a dangerous idea to be playing with for sure, to decide all the black pieces in the game of chess suddenly become white, it is a very flip turning of reality upside down to be sure

To be honest, I’d think you’d need a powerful Doom player at your disposal to even try something like this

or actually, a powerful Doom user would be most likely to shut this entire thing down, knowing how bad of an idea it’d be, maybe it’s more you need a powerful Life player to do something like this instead

is that also why Dirk viewed Jane as an ally then? She would technically have the kind of power to upend the black and white doomy laws of reality if driven to her full potential, i mean obviously yes, we know this already because of the candy colored I-can-do-whatever-I-want-with-no-consequences lollipop

Is this what Calliope hopes to achieve with the Hiveswap Portal then? her goals for Joey and friends are to be the ones to prevent their universe’s twin destructions, and thus the Green Sun’s initial existence and then also the destruction into the Black Hole after the fact? that would be one way to prevent the Black Hole from existing, making it so the thing that creates the black hole never exists either

and that's certainly a canon event that would be difficult to tear asunder without major consequences

That would be a “Re-writing Homestuck from the very beginning” level of canon event

And if I’m correct, Joey is theorized by me to be a Mage of Life, if any classpect at their full potential was gonna do something like that, or have the impossible knowledge to something impossibly paradoxical like that, well..

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh

ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then.

ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense

ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail

CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity.

ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point

CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan.

CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more.

CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it.

CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak.

CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself?

I mean yeah! makes sense! Johns major factor here is Freedom, Vriska’s is Importance

and yeah, I can think of no other wholly dramatic event that to mess with stuff with the Green Sun, everyone will have eyes on that, they have to, their whole existence the way it is relies on it

But, they could also mean something else, its only condition is that it has to be something so imflappably impossible, something so not-canon and so outrageous that it basically horse-shoes around to the other end of the canon spectrum to being something that truly exists again

and that could be literally anything and it’s nerve wracking and exciting to see what thing theyre gonna come up with to just directly kneecap Homestuck itself

ROXY: thx babe

ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or

JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine.

(yeah that’s because Babe can be construed as feminine June)

so, I’m basically convinced they’re doing June Egbert now

that to me was like, pretty severely on the nose

John: Hey Roxy, what it does mean when you find a sense of freedom when all of the symbolism of the masculinity surrounding your childhood burns down around you

Roxy: idk It’s probably a gender thing man

John: I didn’t say the word gender-

Roxy: It’s ok babe no pressure, we can hash it out later

John: Hmm, later then. :)

Roxy: (Turns and looks towards the camera with a knowing smile)

shit all that imagery makes me think of Roxy as that picture of the small kid smirking at the camera while a house burns in the distance XD

#Homesquared #june egbert #john egbert #yeah theres no way there not gonna bring up June Egbert as a apossibility now #Roxy couldn't have quirked her eyebrows harder at the fourth wall if they had tried #Homestuck #I'm basically convinced now lol #that plus my reaction to chapter 14

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theprisonofself222 · 4 years

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it really be your own damn self

you toxic b****. Tryna be aware of the words I write down and say out loud so that I’m not manifesting the same negative energy I’m critiquing in myself......but god DAMN, I fucked up. Blocked the blessing of eons. She is everything. Like fuck fuckkk I was so cowardly!!! am so cowardly??? So let’s start from the beginning shall we....I meet a beautiful woman on HER and she invites me out with her friends. we immediately hit it off....too well. im in an “open relationship.” lol that was a fucking joke because I barely even wanted to be with him. toxic af unhealthy af....thought it was all him and haha here we are now and i got a whole new pair of googles and these shits are wretched. stepping on my neck. i deserveeee ittttttt wow. not even in some self deprecating kind of way or maybe? im in this state rn......where its like, im feeling i was toxic....i made the person im in love with feel convenient, used, disrespected......all for some fun? flirting? excitement? to be wanted by some dude just for the night? @ me yoooo what??? like dont get me wrong, me, I know you really thought these dudes were wholesome. one of them is your best friend!!! but ur girlfriend, ur partner saw something with her impeccable intuition....and she tried to tell you. what did you do?? you dismissed her. you shut her down. you invalidated her feelings. you resorted to manipulation to protect yourself from your own reckoning. and now here tf it is. and she’s heartbroken. jesus fuckckkk she really is and im in this state of utter disappointment and acceptance? not of losing her, god i haven’t gone there yet. or i’d be sobbing....and that feeling in my stomach all day. that reckoning. this whole that is both expanding and contracting, filled with hot nothingness. a void where all my shame and guilt and sense of victimhood swirl. and i let that shit prevent me from hearing her. i let my fucking discomfort speak for me. my fear. nah. i deadass handed those fools the mic. I’m a fucking fooooool for all of this. how do i know this, feel this, accept this, and still have any morsel of hope that she would want to be with me??? what have i done to show her i deserve her? I want her? I love her like I say I do? what is wrongggg with me? really how could I have been so dense? sleep walking through my own life? lying about my desires to the person I love. this woman........from the moment I met her I was linked to her inextricably. i did not want that shit....i was not ready. when my ex would ask me how i felt about her....i lied too. and i thought he was the toxic one. he knew i didnt really want to be with him. we were both toxic people who found each other. And then I meet her....and I’m trying to do right by my ex by her....I feel so pulled to her, it felt so right and so needed, but then I’m shamed when i go back...I felt like he and i were on the same page, i felt even pressured, but then it was how could you??? how could you still???? yet the truth was i didnt feel for him how we both wanted to feel for each other. for the person we are with. and now i have to ask myself some hard fucking questions. do i want her like i say i do? do i love her like i say i do? am i in love with her like i say i am? How can i prove it to myself? How can i prove it to her? Is it about proof? is it about knowing? I feel like I know but my actions were a fucking MESS. it reminds me of my ex realtionship. it reminds me of childhood. my mom telling me that i put my friends first and that im so selfish and that i lie about things. it hurts that she’s right...and yet it also feels like a gift. I felt like she was so against me. she thought I was so wrong and so evil for loving my friends and wanting to spend time with them. that was my reality. she didnt understand me and she didnt want to and she never would. and now here i am......seeing that im still the same scared little girl. so scared of how people can be upset with me. how people can not like the things that I do. this fear still whispers in my ear that I’m protecting myself by rejecting their expression like their feelings are battery acid. it will eat my flesh if I let you say how you feel!!! Why, little me? why, me? Why is it that you cause the harm to the people you love most? It’s like you know that they are real, that their love is so real and worthy, you can’t possibly accept you can be worthy? that you can do what they do? love like they do? speak like they do? who’s they? cold, unfeeling, evil, insensitive, inconsiderate, selfish. a hard shell. my feeling body left on the couch. this monster left in her absence. this sad, lonely, hurt monster. so resentful and angry of herself...

Veronica. the love of my life. she’s right about me. every harsh word she uttered held so much truth and power. it cut right through me, I still haven’t felt the gashes fully....it’s like I’ve known the whole time I’m doing wrong and yet I couldnt stop myself....i fucking convinced myself SHE was toxic!! oh my goddd ew. fuck. fuckckck. what is that??? trauma? i have to love myself, im all i have, so I need to get the fuck real with myself. who am i? what do I want? why do I feel I deserve veronica? VERONICA.

She is like a unicorn. the essence of pure love. i have never met anyone as open and welcoming and charismatic as she is. talking to her is like talking to your mom, your best friends, and yourself. and you’ve just met her. she’s absolutely gorgeous. her eyes are warm honey brown spirals of life, her freckles are so yum, her laugh...omg her laugh and the way her nose crinkles up, and the sound that the back of her throat makes, that beautiful giggle. i melt. her hair, a curly and powerful fro. her body....her VOICE...her ears.....her nose....there’s not one thing about her I don’t like. god I’m an idiUHT. her energy is like a breath of air after taking off these stupid ass masks that are protecting us from covid. like water from the fountain after playing tag for an hour in the park. refreshing, giving, invigorating, and empowering. and so. fucking. loving. she scares the shit out of me. how can someone be so loving like that? my problem is I don’t ever feel like I can do that. THAT’S my problem. not that i CAN’T love like that or that I dont already. that i fucking tell myself all the time that I can’t. I told myself I couldn’t like Veronica cuz she liked me too much and I was a scared punk. and yet I wanted her closer. because as much as I wasn’t ready to treat her how she deserved and give her the relationship i knew she wanted, i still wanted her around. and so she’s right. I took took took took took and gave nothing. I hurt her. I had sex with G as soon as i ask to be in an open relationship. after telling her G and M left. and B. all of them. why the FUCK did i do that???? she’s right.....i used her. I love her so much and I know I loved her then too. So why the fuck did I do that? How could I fuck this up for her, for me, for us so badly? i had so many opportunities to step to the plate....why????

im fucking scared that i will never be satisfied. that i will be an unsatisfied little b**** like M. veronica is so fucking right, man, about everything. her intuition is amazing why would i ever think I had a fucking leg to stand on about her intuition and perspective when I WONT EVEN LET MYSELF FEEL?!!?!!?

even feeling IN LOVE with someone scares me so much i think id lash out like a fucking animal in a zoo. wait jk i dont think i already did. I lashed out every time she tried to talk to me. god she is so wonderful and I’ve been realizing and I’ve felt so unworthy. I’ve been feeling so shitty in our relationship recently and this is why. because i needed to see this shit. i needed this reckoning. and im so fucking sorry to myself that I didn’t see her. hear her. feel her. that I chose emptiness and frivolousness with these people who really dont give a fuck about me, my growth, my well being....for what??? cuz i wanted to be open? so i wouldnt be exclusive? so i could have experiences? with people who have shown me in so many ways that im second fiddle? and i make VERONICA feel that way??? i transfer that energy to veronica not only in my actions and words but in my fucking BODY BECAUSE I LET THESE FUCKING DICKS INTO MY PUSSY INSTEAD OF GOING WITHIN?!!!??? bruh.

i wanted my cake and i wanted to eat it too. that sayings been really hitting lately and this is why. this shit has been a LONG time coming. I really hope she can forgive me....i also know that’s not where my energy needs to be. hoping and looking outward. i wanted to text her so badly to say i love you and good night....she dont want to see that shit. think about her, dummy!! stop thinking about yourself. having a traumatic childhood, and having experiences where adults in your life who should have made space for you were not able to provide and care for you in the ways you desperately needed...this is not a detriment!! unless you lie. unless you cheat yourself. unless you are so ashamed of who you are, deep down to your core you would rather disconnect and play a farce of yourself than to look. feeling your whole life like you couldn’t express anyone to anything was so fucking hard for you. you didnt even let yourself feel how hard because then youd have to change it. you convinced youself this is who you are. you don’t need to talk. why do people do that? always wanting to share and express? why do people need to know everything? tell them what they want to hear, what they should hear, tell them the right thing. or tell them nothing at all. you didnt know better. you really didnt. but you’re not a kid anymore. and everyone in your life is here to teach you. you will not die without their approval, and you will not live because of it. they are not your parents and they never will be. dont try and make them your parents. don’t try and make them your parents. don’t recreate your trauma. don’t project your fears and shame onto the woman you love. don’t do that, sophie. that’s not right. veronica is once in a universe. i will never meet anyone like her. i will not lose her. I want to figure my shit out more than anything. because i really wanted to be a defeatist and live as a defeatist shooting myself in the foot with veronica before we can even begin. and god i really pray i have another chance with her one day....that I haven’t lost her. because I dont want to take anything from her ever again. i want to give her the world. i sound corny af but I WANT TO GIVE HER THE WORLD. i want to create life with her. I want to spend the rest of my days with her. I want to be the wind beneath her wings dead fucking ass cuz thats what the fuck she’s always been for me. her love is unlike any other and i am a humbled student....a humbled student who fucking FLUNKED. and i could never give up. i just know that. i know we will be together...however it will look that is up to veronica....i held onto control so hard in this relationship and i steered us into a fucking iceberg. dummy!!!!! i dont know really where to end this cuz this is just the beginning so yeah....time to get my shit together and talk to these people about how i fucked up and opened the doors to let them infiltrate and disrespect our relationship. like an idiUHT. i will make it right.

****

and all this about some fucking SEX. meanwhile i have all this fucking sexual trauma i need to heal. and who has gifted me the most healing experiences of my life? veronica. and the rest of these people that i put on some disgusting little pedestal (jesus wow i cant believe i defended these people over veronica to veronica like really where the fuck was i at??? who tf was talking, sis....) meanwhile they really didn’t give a fuck about me. and me??? why wasn’t i talking to them about how i felt about veronica? about my other relationships. god i fucked up so so so so so bad. that was so fucked up. damn, sophie, seriously shit that was wrong. that was so so wrong. you lied to yourself. that’s what’s breaking my heart, you lied to yourself the whole time, then you lied to veronica, and lied to yourself some more. and YOU asked to be with her. YOU wanted to take that next step. you were filling voids, and veronica was too real for you. you should have never brought her closer when you were so confused and cowardly and falling for some insecure ass people. it’s me: i’m insecure ass people, and i found people to validate and reflect myself. you really thought they were better than you. you hate to admit that or even let yourself type it right now, but you did. you thought that they had something you didn’t. that they could fill something in you. why the fuck?? when veronica was there the whole time??? when she is EVERYTHING and more. emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, energetically, sexually....our sex is fucking incredible. she makes me cum so many times i lose count. i lose control of myself in a way that is so frighteningly beautiful...i burst into tears, i feel like im shattering into glass and she’s cradling my pieces, somehow managing to soften them into smooth pebbles. sex with any of the people in my past, especially M, G, and B is fucking pathetic compared to sex with veronica, and I was too pathetic to see that. truly pathetic in the full sense of the word, i pitied myself and victimized myself spiritually and didnt even allow myself to really feel the weight of my actions. apathetic too. a molotov cocktail waiting to blow up in my face, but first in Veronica’s. regret would be too easy. If i deserved it i would change my actions. but this is a gift. to be able to see what the fuck is right in front of me. what an unappreciative, cowardly doofus i’ve been. i made the love of my life feel like she is unimportant and unloved.....why do i find it so hard to prioritize the people in my life who are fucking amazing? I have to get back to this cuz i need to sleep.....so much to reflect on, so much to let flow through me, so much to prove, so much to lose.

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