#its like the fucking painting of hypnose. my focus is like a lighthouse wildly swinging its light around until it sometimes blasts me in

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#it is truly so wild to go from feeling miserable and hopeless all the time for... lets look at my excel sheet #the last 23 days. then to suddenly rocket up to smiling to myself all day. the world is so fucking beautiful #for no rational reason aside from what i have to assume is a chemical shift in my body #like is this what happy ppl feel like all the time? its truely so crazy. have i always been like this? #did i not notice this was a thing? like ive definitely noticed it in the last year but like ??? #my suspicion is that it doesnt actually last long enough to b considered hypomania but like idk i should see a doctor probably lol #u would think being happy would make it easier to do things but i just keep forgetting to do them and just like spacing out lol bc rn i #feel chill. even tho i need to make a list of the shit i gotta do by Friday. bleh. but idk it makes being in thr lab so much nicer bc i #mean. i still dont give a fuck abt what im doing but im like fuck it this isnt gonna b my problem in like 2-3 months. even tho im sure ill #still have to write up everything. but idk. it also makes it easier to b like. ok so i kno what my problems r lets plan yo make things not #so horrible so u dont just live a miserable life and then like die having lived a life of fear. like its so crazy how much easier thst is #to do rn??? well see how long it lasts but yea v strange. wish i could control my fucking focus tho. like that would b great #its like the fucking painting of hypnose. my focus is like a lighthouse wildly swinging its light around until it sometimes blasts me in #the face. like not helpful. i need to b able to do things. #i guess the weird thing rn is thst while i feel happy. i also have this like simmering fear of irrational things. like when i used to live #in my parents basement and i was terrified of the dark rooms down there at night. like that kind of childish baseless fear #but like im in i tiny tiny apartment lol like bro what r u scared of??? silly silly silly #idk hopefully it holds out the whole rest of the week and then i can travel and see my parents like !!! yo !!! happy vibes :-D #that would b kinda unhinged lmao. i doubt itll last thst long. its already slipped from this morning so we shall see #unrelated