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kazmorosov · 5 years

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|| bill skarsgard, cismale, he/him || ( kazaran morozov ) is a ( 25 ) year old ( senior ) at rockport university studying ( business + literature [TA] ). people say they are ( ardent ) but also ( stoic ), and remind others of ( coffee rings on crisp paper, losing their sense of reality, hushed arguments ). bet they sure didn’t expect anyone to know about ( his plagiarizing to succeed and honor his terminally ill mother he killed ) but someone does, and ( kaz ) better cooperate if they plan to keep their lives. || james, 20, EST ||

hi i’m so sorry this took a long ass time to put out but im herE lmao here’s my baby

tw; murder, addiction/substance abuse, abuse mentions,

gen. info:

full name: kazaran nikolai morozov

nickname(s): kaz

b.o.d.: december 14th

label(s): the escapist, the academic, the fallen, the philanthropist, etc.

height: 6′4″

hometown: bangor, maine

sexuality: str...aigh...t ? question mark ?

biography:

born to a self-made businessman and a philanthropist with a penchant for odd names

his father’s a russian who moved to the u.s. in his childhood who still has many...unique, ties, to the country though none of those are important

his business involves military equipment and he works closely with the u.s.’s military (ahsdfghk conspiracies ?)

and his mother was a plain jane (literally--her name was jane) from a family of politicians; his uncle’s a senator

kaz is the eldest out of seven children (christ) and yes all of their names are just as excessive as ‘kazaran’

grew up with the pressure of the ‘golden child’ title; kaz had to be perfect at everything he did, from his grades to after school activities to manners and presentment

was always expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and like ?? partner with him once he was old enough?

which is fine and grand except kaz had never given a shit about his father’s business; his real passion had always been for the arts, particularly literature and even more particularly poetry

he found that the arts was probably the most...free, kaz could get, without actively rebelling against his father

b/c god . . . his father is a force to be reckon’d w/

very strict man, likes to be in control constantly, not the...best, emotionally towards his family. or verbally. sometimes physically. y’know.

this really only...amplified, kaz’s perfectionist attitude. it was mostly out of fear of repercussions than much else

kaz has, however, always loved his mother.

jane is the opposite of their father, a woman who loves the world and everybody in it with this...heart of gold, and best intentions in mind

the only problem was that she was horribly submissive to her husband

aNYWAys okay, kaz grew up fairly unscathed but only because he was so...conformist, y’know?

loves his siblings and would die for them, but god--he’d have to side with his father just for his own sake, which definitely strained his relationship with a few of ‘em

AnywAys again; was pretty well-known in his high school

for being like, intimidatingly tall but also was fairly popular? star of the track team, student gov president, in DECA or whatever.

went to rockport just because it wasn’t...too far from home, and partially because he wasn’t allowed to go out of state.

and he was fine w/ it, man

his mother got sick his freshmen year, however, it wasn’t...horrible, at first

it was concerning, yes, but the doctors said she was going to be fine

jane was pretty...adamant about not letting her condition effect her children, too, so she acted as if she was fine

kaz, being a dumbass, was like alright fine this is fine and went on w/ life

sophomore year he met his soulmate; a future veterinarian named freya

n i mean he just...fell for her immediately, y’know ?? n ig she felt similar enough b/c they started dating immediately

it was really...good, for him; especially as his mother’s heath had suddenly taken a turn for the worst

kaz wound up taking two years off of school to care for his mother; his father was gone more often than not, and he felt as if his younger siblings shouldn’t have been burdened with the task

and well...jane never got better, only worse

it was at the point where the doctors had sent her home, knowing that nothing else could be done--she was confined to her bed, and miserable. in pain, really.

one...day, as kaz was tending to jane, she broke down. i mean, just, a full on emotional breakdown, a complete episode, begging him to just...put her out of her misery.

and, god, kaz had never disobeyed his parents (minus his studies in literature but y’knw what. . . not important rn) but that was so ?? morally ?? conflicting ??

they cried together for a long time until y’know. deciding what to do.

as soon as she had fallen asleep, kaz put a pillow to her.

he was never...caught, tho that may have involved some bribery on his father’s end who knows

the day after the funeral, kaz proposed to freya and she agreed.

and it really should’ve been fine if kaz’s mental health didn’t rapidly deteriorate like...he was not handling it well

freya helped, yes, but she could only do so much

turned to drugs, particularly painkillers after a minor car crash and just...a mix of shit, y’know.

probably stole drugs from his fiance’s job tbh

got on antidepressants, which only worsened his shit b/c he started ?? occasionally hallucinating his dead mother ??

his creativity had also just. shat on itself. he couldn’t write, no matter how hard he tried

his mother had really wanted him to pursue his dreams, and god, he was too far in his degree to drop literature

so he started....plagiarizing, his works, b/c kaz is a whole ass idiot. but he hasn’t gotten caught yet, somehow

his fiance thought the cruise program would be a great way for kaz to possibly, recover, since she could see how bad he was doing so he weNt because of her

also yes at this point he had gone back to school; had even gotten a TA position because he used to be...one of the best in his class, y’know ?

anyways yeah im paraphrasing this all horribly but idc u get the point

drug addict, mercy-killed his mother, loves his fiancee, tortured soul, y’know all that

personality:

likes to pretend he’s much calmer than he actually is, y’know

likes the whole aloof and distant thing b/c it’s already so easy for him to be intimidating

he can b a lil snarky, a lil sarcastic, but he’s overall always been really well meaning?

can be extremely passionate about his hobbies, or his future wife, or really...anything he mildly likes, tho, y’know?

gOD is he always feeling so guilty, tho, it really weighs him down

but he’s also like...usually high, sometimes u can tell but more often than not u can’t ??

because he’s obsessed w/ seeming okay. and doing okay. and being that average dude next door, y’know?

he wants to be normal, to feel normal, but he’s got this wave of emotions crashing into his chest and he’s in sm pa i n constantly

like he’s got major anxiety but u won’t know unless u catch him in midst of a panic attack and like he’d rather die than somebody see that

probably journals as a way 2 like...cope, and keep himself calm

uuhh he’s like lowkey a huge softie. will cry at sad movies and won’t care tht he’s crying about it

takes teaching rly seriously but he’s also always concerned somebody’s going to figure out that he’s just. a fraud.

smart, with dumbass energy

like he just...sometimes doesn’t think ??

loves his fiancee a whole bunch but this distance thing is...sm harder than he thought it would be. she’s his anchor and he’s just ?? floating aimlessly now

but yeah he’s always acting like he’s okay, like he’s gucci.

uuuhhhh god i dont know what else to say tbh ?? he’s just. a mans. being a mans.

probably doesn’t sleep super often b/c not only is he a TA, but he’s got some mf nightmares man

wanted connections:

got a girl best friend but he needs a...dude best friend?

other friends in general, honestly

professors he’s got some sort of relationship with b/c he’s working for penelope rn

a flirty unrequited thing, where they keep tryn but kaz is like nO i am TAKEN look at this photo of my beAUTIFUL FIANCEE

ppl pissed at him for the grades he’s given them LMAO

people...concerned? for him?

bad mf influences who are like LET’S GET FUCKED UP

a dealer y’know. somebody on the ship who can give him what he wants which is a Lot

uuh let’s brainstorm together, bb

like srsly just. gimme a like, i’ll pop into ur dms w/ my messy tall son and be like let’s fuck him up !

#rockportintro #sorry this is also . . . lame

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idiot4idiot · 3 years

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long incoherent vent twtw u can ignore infact please do i just needed to explode

i dont want to die i just dont want to live like this in this world the way it is now. it drives me fucking wild how am i expected to get a job and work my life away being miserable because i dont have the time or energy to do anything else besides work. if i dont get a job i cant survive. if i somehow managed to get on ssd i cant survive. thats not enough money to sustain a humans life. and right now the only thing keeping me going is expensive as fuck and i have no income and every day im scared and im angry because theres no point i live for what???? working??? to keep a roof over my head???? eventually when i get kicked out of my dads house for beimg useless ill just go live with my mom again !!!! and she can go back to treating me like shit and drrain me even more. i feel so hopeless lmfao howwwww am i supposed to get a job i am so scared of covid which btw one of my brothers is antivax and its stressing me.out because i keep thinking about him getting covid and i cant deal with it. i keep thinking abt going and getting help in a psych ward but all i cannthimk about with thst is anxiety of notnbeing home not knowing anybody not having Any control what would happen with my meds??? theyd mess it up imnsure and would they eben help me literally nobody i know has had a positive experience and bc im publicly trans thats a whole other thing and then i have to deal with life after you get back and its awkward andnthen youre labelled as unfit anf whatever and just thinking about everything is so much and thr only solution would be killing myself thats the only thng i keep coming back too i wouldnt have to deal with anything but i dont know what happens when you die and i cant think about that anf it stresses me out and im just notnfucking okay!!!!! i think about everything all tbe time im fucking loosing it i dont do anything all day i can barely walk now compared to when i was in highschool my muscles have ngotten so bad im so embarrassed by all of this i can barely function and i hate it i wisj i wasnt like this i feel so horrible all the time i am so scared of life its so stupid i wish i could just be normal and happy i want to experience good things in life but i have no motivation i cant im stuck and i feel like im gettimg steadily worse and i domt kmow how to actually deal with it so i just dissasociate all day until i go to sleep and then i repeat but im still putting on a face going places i want to do things but i dont enjoy anything anymore and im tired and disconnected from my whole life

#idk how to tag this #tw #sui tw #vent post #im sativa high and this is the first time in months i was able to actually put my thoughts into words #very incoherently but #anyway ignore this #im fine #i dont actually want to post this but i need it to be somewhere i need to tell Someone how im feeling #long post #dont rb

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elvesofnoldor · 5 years

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Getting into silmarillion again is weird when you are not a 13 year old little fool who just really like them pretty fae people (elves) anymore, cause i’d be re-visiting these lores right now and i’d suddenly remember that all these wars and these sufferings and these PAINS, they are all for...some jewels an elf man made??? hello??? HELLO??? ugh, the whiplash. but like, I mean, i know silmarillion functions as a collection of myths of tolkien’s universe aka Arda ( myths that actually happened in the story universe tho, like we got living witnesses of them lol) and mythology is not supposed to be relatable, they are supposed to be allegories--understood on a metaphorical level. And Silmarillion can feel too grand sometimes when u think abt it too literally: a fight against literal entropy and force of destruction--the devil himself? a war over jewels that shine everlasting light of nourishment and bliss and LIFE no mortals can understand? how do you process these bullshits lol like none of these are relatable, so like, i can def understand why the lores of ancient world of tolkien’s universe can be so off putting but im still super attached to noldor elves? nowadays i see the silmarillion (aka the jewels) as narrative equivalents of the fruits from the tree of good and evil. They are equivalent of objects that made Adam and Eve, human; they are embodiment of joy and life both literally and metaphorically. At the same time, the jewels also embody desire and desire brings both good (life and joy) and evil (death and pain). But they are also...more than that? It’s also embodiment of stolen happiness and lost bliss to the (noldor) elves--these jewels are in a way, lost “home” to them. I suppose, present day me being attached to the noldor elves has more to do with the fact that their story is the story of a people who takes fate into their own hands to regain the life and happiness that are stolen from them, all in defiance of flawed, unjust, deceiving and cruel authority (the valars, equivalent of archangels, but also kinda, gods?). However, in their rebellion out of desire for justice, they strayed further and further away from the happiness and life they so desperately want to regain. The more they try to come home, they further away they are from it. All efforts for peace and prosperity were fruitless victories, and The more they tighten their grip on lost happiness, the quicker it slips through their fingers. They have struggled and they have failed and it was simply not meant to be. It’s unfair and it’s cruel and it’s simply...the way of universe? it’s not a perfect narrative and i do take issue with the fact that attempts to take fate into your own hands in rebellion against unjust authority result in inevitable doom, but noldor elves are just...they come off so passionate and spirited and full of life and so SO human? by the time the stories of lotr happens, all that’s left of them are memories, unmarked graves beneath the sea and lessons written in blood and tears. i suppose they are just...kinda relatable? and that makes their tragic fate more...heart-wrenching? idk. ( i mean, also tolkien wrote silmarillion before he even thought of writing the hobbit or lotr, so these stories are supposed to be full fledged emotional stories as supposed to just, lores to explain the story of silmarillion) but there is some catharsis to the story of tolkien elves (this is not “children of hurin” ok now THAT story is just tragedy porn ok there is a reason it wasn’t published when tolkien is still alive), since they all eventually return to/arrive back to valinor, and yes home is never the same, but they all come home at last. Now, ik da wiki never says that dragon age elves got any inspiration from tolkien but that doesnt mean that there ISN’T fuck tons of similarities b/w both of their histories, or the fact that tolkien’s body of works functions as literate canon for the high fantasy genre since the damn 80s. Anyways, there are two “long walks” that happened in tolkien elves and dragon age elves’ history, one is just called the long walk (where the dragon age elves took to establish the realm of Dales) and the other one is the crossing of helcaraxe (in silmarillion), both taken to take back life and happiness stolen by Evils^tm (in dragon age elves’ case, said evils come in the form of slavery and colonization). However, There is no...valinor...for the dragon age elves. In silmarillion, the way back to valinor, to “home”, to stolen life and happiness, is literally closed in the first age. In dragon age universe, the dalish and city elves alike are cut off from the life and bliss of the past that was stolen from them due to slavery and colonization, no matter how much they long for it. Now, i dont like how bioware writers make dalish come off as people stuck in the past and int he old way (like, thats the reason why sera is written the way shes written, cause they want to make dalish look backward), and honestly i think thats just white writers not understanding the nuance of their own narratives lol. But also, there is some asshole named s*las who wishes to bring back the “past glory and bliss of elven realms” even if it means committing acts of utmost violence. You know, in silmarillion, Maedhros has committed acts of violence to regain the silmarlis, to get that ticket back “home”, back to the life that was stolen from him and his people, and when he truly held the jewels in his hands he realize that they were forever lost to him the moment he shed blood. At the end of his life, maedhros learned that ruthlessly tightening the grip on the happiness of long lost past would only take you further and further away from it, and he paid his lesson with his own life. The sad thing is that, s*las is probably gonna learn that lesson WITHOUT suffering much of consequences, because hes unlikely to be able to bring about actual apocalypse to open the veil, and that kinda piss me off. Even if he dies, i had to spend an entirety of da:i to put up this bitch being in it, and i have to deal with his presence in most of da4 as it seems, and he might not even die miserably lmao. like, i like maedhros, i like noldor elves WAY better than his crusty ass, but they all die horribly when he is probably gonna come out of this whole mess unscathed. rant aside, i wish that....no matter what happened in da4, the elves in dragon age universe, can also eventually find their way back to their “valinor”. definitely not through s*las’ dumbass’ efforts, tho, but, somehow, i hope they can find their way back home or...better yet, find their way forward.

#yolanda talks #ranting abt some silmarillion elves again. keep scrolling lmao

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13threbagel · 7 years

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Lately i watched a korean drama called “Another Miss Oh” w/ my sister (lol i know) and I have a lot of feelings about it but not a good kind (lol ikr)

First of, im honestly wont reccomend it because the show is a really fucking downer. Like big time downer. Dont watch it unless u really just wanna be awful with all ur feelings

Im on phone so i cant put it under cut so u can skip this entirely or suffer with me

——

Ok? cool

Basically speaking AMO is about a girl named Oh Haeyoung, that is apparently a very common name in Korea. And all her live she is shadowed by this much nicer and much pretty more beautiful o so fucking pure dew of mountain Oh Haeyoung

First of the bat, the whole thing is pretty sexist. Everyone is either heartless or have their brain on their dick theres no in between. At first it was fun and games but it keeps getting worse and worse like universe wont give the protag Oh Haeyoung a fucking break. And she doesnt go “life in unfair oh well whatev” no, she drinks every night to drown her misery EVERY NIGHT (repeat for emphasis) Korean way to deal with life

“It’ll get better” nope it gets worse. I shouldnt go really into this korean drama too deep but the fcking kicker for me over how awful this show is is Oh’s mother

Oh mother is a whole other force of misery for Oh and its not just because “oohh the super horrible mother” its because she’s angry all the time. To put in context : Oh Haeyong is supposed to get married but one day before her wedding she called it off. Turns out her spouse doesnt love her that much and called it off (its a plot twist later but thats not the point) but she goes around says that it was her decision for it

From the first episode, her mom is already flipping off because they have prepared everything and suddenly its not happening. She’s more upset over how much of a bother Oh has put her through to just called it off. And through out the first couple of episode, she main goal is to insist that Oh will never be happy. Its super cliche but its actually what happened. She flips her shit when ever Oh looks even SLIGHTLY happy after that. If she smiles over a fcking monkey doll, she will beat her with a pillow and scream at her for smiling. When she comes home drunk and smile, she will scream at her and remind her how much of a problem she has caused her.

Sounds like i just picked on her? It took the parents 2 days to get tired of Oh coping over her wedding before they kicked her out of the house. 2 days. It only took them 2 days to kick her out. They try to justify it like “We just want her out of the house so she can be independent!” Sure. Independent. Kick out your child who is clearly in fcking denial and trying to cope for losing her loved one to be “”“independent”“” but if u scratch that off u can clearly see she just dont want Oh to be happy she just want her to be miserable 24/7 and die probably

I just. Ok. “She’s an awful mom, but Oh’s ex is no better” oh he’s not but at least he has a legit good reason over why he cancelled it and why he doesnt tell her. It was because he actually still love Oh but his personal stuff would intefere the wedding and it would put Oh in an awful place and he doesnt want that. It was all sudden and the quickest way is to call off the wedding. Could’ve done it better but plot sucks so yea

And here’s the even bigger fucking kicker over how awful oh’s mom is, Oh has lived w/ her parents under the same roof for years. YEARS. That means she was there when Oh was dating, she was there when Oh was engaged, she was there when Oh and her ex is showing their love to each other. She doesnt even think TWICE when Oh called off the wedding and believed more that her daughter has gone crazy rather then thinking how out of character this attitude is and try to confront her calmly over this. No. She just prefer to believe her daughter is insane and her ex is pure who has done no wrong. Fucking mother of the millenium.

After like.. 10 ep or so, they find out the truth and she gets angry and asked Oh “How come you never told me this? Why don’t you tell the truth to me?”

Gee I wonder why. Probably so she wouldnt get kicked out of the country i FCKING GUESS

Really shouldn’t have gone too far with this but the scariest thing about the mother is that I know someone in real life who would actually do that and its too much of an unsettling feeling everytime I saw the show because I know this is very realistic. This is a thing that could happened to their kids. Its far off but they could definitely do that for even dumber reason so yea

and even though the person i know is considered nice and “only has no filter in their mouth”, i would never trust my life to them. Ever.

And its a scary thing to say about a parent figure

#kc rambles #its 7 am im sleep deprived and that show has been sutting in my stomach for a week #gotta let it out somehow #sorry #//vent #sorta #tumblr..#tumblr app sucks so much

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