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lesoleilxjulien · 6 years

Text

life in pink: the aftermath.

TBH Jerome probably tries to tell him that they should stop in a small moment of clarity. Against his lips would he murmur "we shouldn't-" but the words die in the back of his throat when Juliens hips move and their tongues brush together, his mind turning hazy again. and oh my god. He'd realize and Jerome is still asleep but on the verge of waking up- the sun melts through the window panes and into the bedroom and it dances in front of his eyelids forcing him to awaken. Jerome's vision is all blurry with the aftermath of intoxication burning the edges of his brain and it takes a while for him to realize Julien lays next to him. And that Julien lays next to him /naked/. It dawns on him that something happened as he looks at him and it happened in a drunken haze when self control was at a minimum. He'd tense, instant regret settling right in the pit of his stomach. Like he tries so hard to keep Julien just that bit distant. He already treats him like someone he loves, he already allows him to get so close, the lack of physical intimacy kept him from giving the full package without saying I love you. Because he knows how he gets when he is intimate with someone he loves. He knows he gets talkative. He knows he pours everything in it. And he never wanted to touch Julien like this because he knows things would shift. The teasing and tension behind their friendship wouldn't be just friendly anymore, or, be pushed to friendly skinship, it would mean something then, something different. He'd be faced with the dilemma of not being able to tell him he loves him but also unable to assure Julien is not just another name in a sea of many, that he's special. He'd be faced with the question if Julien wanted him, just his body, or he regrets this mistake. But now it happened and everything he wanted lays far forgotten in the moments of blissful intimacy his drunken self experienced as now everything unwanted hits him like a stack of bricks. He can't remember much in the moment. He doesn't remember how far they went, what he said, why Julien allowed it to happen. He just feels the sting of scratches on his skin, tastes the flavours of liquor and /Julien/ on his tongue and it gives him the questions his hungover head is not able to handle. Oh my god. Jerome would want to bolt out of the bedroom so fast. Like his hand would slide off Juliens stomach after they'd have this staring contest that wordlessly says /this shouldn't have happened/. And he throws on some boxerbriefs, wanting to escape. But either Julien calls out his name or he just turns around and he stops. Freezing just three steps away from the edge of the bed. And he looks at Julien. "What did we do." WOWWW. ok OK. I FEEL PAIN. (also sorry not sorry but i thought. during it jerome tells him he loves him but its against his skin and its muffled and julien is too consumed in rolling his hips and he's way too drunk to hear. jerome forgets he even said it as a groan rips from his throat and sORRY nOT sORRY) and wow. Jerome leaves for Indonesia a few days later and if Julien watches the honeymoon episode he just gets greeted with a Jerome who looks totally out of it. He's not himself. Or, well, he's not his public self. And it's strange. During the days in Indonesia he pieces together parts of what happened that night too and even though he can't place everything, he remembers how he felt. He remembers how Julien felt. Scenes of the night flashes through his mind during the honeymoon, leaving him breathless. And oh catch him zoning out during activities and Jiyong having to pull him out of it. MULTIPLE TIMES. And Yoonah was there too and she's known Jerome since before debut and he's acting really weird and wow? He seems a bit emotionally charged. But omg yes. Marie is that extra scoop. It gets their feelings going. The fact that Julien got upset he went home with her makes him wonder but his mind immediately tries to get rid of those thoughts. He gets scared and defensive. They almost end up fighting because no answers are being told. (also extra. during the talk with Marie something happens eye emoji and.. he compares Marie to Julien. WHICH FUCKS HIM UP SO MUCH because Marie was always the source of his comparisons, always having others not being good enough, not being /her/. and now /she wasn't him/ HEAVES Jerome almost breaks down in her hotelroom then.) Oh and would the last day of Tokyo sleeping together thing still happen? Because that would fuck with Jerome even more. Its a different kind of intimacy and because he can't admit to himself Julien might want him too, he doesn't know what to think of it. He just knows his mind goes to the negatives. Jerome just wants to tell Julien to stop doing this to him bUT HE CANT? BECAUSE IF HE DOES HE'D ADMIT THINGS. and then Indonesia and Julien wants to talk about it and Jerome doesn't. He wants to avoid like he did around the phone call but they are forced together by their companies, they have the song together, their hotelrooms are probably small spaces apart and Jerome gets frustrated. And omg. what if it slips out. Jerome gets heated. Julien pulls and pulls because he wants to talk it out and "Julien, don't do this to me." omg. and oh it just dives into ANGST and thEY JUST HURT EACH OTHER. BECAUSE ONE CANT ADMIT SHIT AND THE OTHER IS STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE FEELS AND WOW IM CRYING. also ok literally the ash/jerome thread got me so upset bc it's all so intertwined. Jerome pushes Ash to hang out with Julien more, Ash questions Jerome how he could be so sure Julien doesnt want to be his. Meanwhile Julien is just wakes up at 3am /ouo my spidey senses are tingling./ no but honestly. If they ever find out from each other that Jerome is Zhiwu and Ash is Taki RIPPP bc if i look from Jerome's perspective he really goes IN on his descriptions of Julien. Plus the pronoun dropped. He doesn't have many friends to begin with and no one is as close as Julien. ITS ALSO FUNNY THOUGH. bc Julien is someone who brings him back to old Jerome sometimes because he's in love but feels comfortable. And Julien is ALSO someone who brings Ash back to his childhood and those old memories like damn Julien is a time machine. also. look. Lena. imagine if Julien ever stayed over and they are fast asleep but Julien awakes from the buzzing of Jeromes phone bc Ash is texting him and the screen of the phone just says something vague about Jerome's love life and its gone before you know it because the screen locks again and darkens the room once more. omg.

That sounds about right. Julien would hear that and wouldn't even pay attention to it, he's too far gone already. If there was any part of him that was coherent, that part would have told him to stop before he ends up making a big mess, which is what he's already doing. But that next morning... Julien feels horrible, to say the least. The liquor left him with a gnarly hangover, his head spinning a little and the light slipping in through the windows too bright for him right now. He feels like his limbs are heavy, and his lower back has a dull throb to it that he hasn't felt in a really long time. He's had one of these mornings before, usually a signifier of a really great night, but this time around, he's feeling dread pool into the depths of his stomach. He's hoping that the gaze he's going to meet isn't one of pure regret, and that alone worries him to the core. Julien's frustrated, because he's wanted Jerome this whole time, but not like this. He regrets it, but only in the sense that he did it before even letting his feelings be known to Jerome. And he starts to project all these things, especially from their first meeting and the way Jerome said he'd have to try something extra special. He shouldn't think that far, but it makes an appearance in his mind, and he tosses it aside before it festers. And looking at jerome, he sobered up quickly. He'd be speechless, tongue tied, his dizzying mind trying to get his mouth to open but no words are coming out. They both believe it shouldn't have happened, but they both think that the other has that feeling for a different reason. And Julien tries to say something, but Jerome is already clambering out of the bed, and that's enough to have him so afraid that /okay. Jerome regrets it. This isn't what he wanted./ he'd try to salvage it, sitting up in bed as the sheets pool at his hips and he has such a scared and anxious look on his face. Jerome sees the disheveled hair, the bloodshot eyes, the marks and bites scattered all over Julien's neck and collarbones and chest. "...what does it look like we did?" And his voice is hoarse and he looks... there's a look of disbelief and regret clear on his face but it's aimed toward himself more than Jerome and UGHFJJFJFJFJ. (wow okay fuck me up. Julien also drunkenly tells Jerome how much he's wanted him but how he doesn't want to fuck it all up) Julien would probably hole himself up in his apartment with miso and edi. When it comes to things, Jerome is Julien's confidant, but what happens when the situation is about Jerome? Who does he talk to then? Cue Julien calling Jisoo and crying his eyes out about it while Jerome is in Indonesia. He'd watch the episode after Jerome gets back and he'd pick up on it, but he's not sure if it's bc there's a shift in his head or if Jerome is actually affected by it. He'd probably text Jiyoung and ask her to keep an eye on him. He's a mess the next few days and probably even cries to the cats. Yep. Marie is the one that ends up being the catalyst. Julien and Jerome really end up nearly fighting because Julien is crying and not explaining everything and Jerome is crying and not explaining everything either. Julien isn't asking the right questions either. Instead of asking if Jerome and Marie are together and the rumors are true, he asks if Jerome went home with Marie (to which Jerome's answer is not the answer Julien wants). When Jerome answers him, Julien doesn't even want to talk at this point ("why does it matter what happens with me at this point? You have a girlfriend now, don't you?") which of course sets off Jerome because Julien doesn't know what he's talking about, but it's also not completely Julien's fault either. And they either they argue or sort out enough of the mess that it puts them on speaking terms again. (BIIIITCH I'm screaming over Jerome rn my poor son) Also for that last day, it can still happen but we'd have to switch things around. The calendar for the event had everyone heading back to Korea at night right after the concert on a red eye. So they could have slept together beforehand and went to the concert then slept on the plane or they could have ended up at the airport together and on the plane and after landing in Korea one of them goes home with the other to sleep. But we could go either way! And the next few weeks after that Julien is just throwing himself into work. He's released a song with sooyeon, and then there's the song with Jerome (but for plot's sake we can say they worked on this song beforehand? Unless we plot something out with it), and he's releasing another song with jisoo soon too. But Indonesia is going to be a mess. With just the two of them, there's a lack of buffer, which frustrates the hell out of Julien and he just wants things to be okay between them. He misses Jerome so much, and if Jerome doesn't answer the door, best believe Julien is going to sit outside and threaten to make a scene unless Jerome lets him in. IM ALREADY SAD IN ANTICIPATION OF THIS. UGH OK BUT I READ IT AND I AGREE. Julien wakes up at 3am and those big ass ears of his are ringing ok. He just looks around and blinks wearily before curling back up in bed next to miso. But tbh Julien just makes an off-handed comment like "wow Ash is someone making you hang out with me or do you just miss me?" bc he sees ash more. Oh god. And also from Ash's perspective he doesn't have many friends from childhood and Julien is the only one really. And then you have Julien sitting there all ouo/ Julien is forever a time machine ok he likes to bring people back to how they were when they were happiest. It's his little skill uwu omg RIGHT. Julien just blinks and looks at it. Or if instead of Taki, the phone number shows up and he's just blinking like /why is Jerome texting Ashton?/ but he's half asleep and it disappears and he sighs before flopping back in bed and /I'll tell him in the morning/

Oh my god. I just thought about it. And Jerome basically chooses this. Julien gets drunker quicker and normally when he gets a bit handsy Jerome always stops him, has self restraint. Even when Julien is on his lap moving slightly and Jerome feels like he’s about to break, he just quiets him down with arms wrapped around his waist and chin on his shoulder, telling him to stay put. He always keeps his resolve. He always stops drinking when he’s metaphorically half way through the door, even if Julien continues. And now, he doesn’t. After the blurring of lines he hears no inner voice telling him he should stop anymore. Instead of staying just that bit sober his lips find the rim of the bottle with the auburn liquor that knocks the sense out of him. Depending on who it is that initiates the kiss, Jerome could’ve stopped either of them. He could’ve turned his head if it was himself leaning in, he could’ve leaned back. If the heat of the moment already had their lips touching Jerome could’ve still stopped it, bask in the sweet taste of them but stop nonetheless. If Julien leaned in and pressed their lips together he, with every fibre in his body telling him to relax against the pillowy lips, could’ve stopped it. But instead he licks into his mouth, his hand curls into his shirt on the small of his back just so he could instinctively press him closer and they seal their fate. Jerome might later on think he took advantage of the situation, something he didn’t want to do. He should’ve been responsible. He should’ve stopped. Julien already drank himself into a hiccuping mess on his wedding day and that same tension carried over when he entered his home. He should’ve known. He should’ve carried him to his bedroom when Julien neared his undressing phase, he should’ve laughed when Julien tells him he’s not tired and that the blankets are too hot, he should’ve pressed a kiss to his forehead before leaving him to fall asleep on the couch. He should’ve done what he normally did. But he didn’t. And the repercussions are imminent.

It was a rhetorical question. Or maybe just a question to himself. /What did they do?/ They crossed /that/ line. Jerome still can’t wrap his head around it. He still can’t pinpoint when rationality got thrown out of the window. He just knows he regrets it. So much. And now with him standing he feels so cold. He misses the blissful warmth he felt when he was not yet awaken. With his arm slung around Juliens waist and his nose nuzzled up against his shoulder like he belonged to be in his arms, his scent being everything he wants to be engulfed with, but he couldn’t return now. He couldn’t climb back, be pressed up against the warm nude body again because things are different now. They woke up. So he just stands there, looking so vulnerable half naked in the boxers he grabbed haphazardly to cover himself the most he could as before sliding out of the bed. He just stares at Julien when the question gets thrown back at him, the hoarseness of his voice sending a deadly shiver down his spine. /what does it look like we did?/ His eyes slide over his neck, the marks on his skin contrasting so beautifully like they’re meant to be there. And normally he’d feel pride. Though he doesn’t mark easily, he sometimes does it to tease the girls he’s with, to know they have to walk in embarrassment to the make up chair and have the artist cover it up. But as his eyes trail down his neck it looks like he had a purpose, like he wanted to claim him, like he wanted to remember what its like for Julien to be his. And his hazy brain shows him, shows him how aggressive he had been with his kisses and his biting, like every mark on the softly tanned skin was him proclaiming “You’re mine.” without verbally saying it. He remembers the way Julien had been gripping on his hair then, allowing him to leave the red and purple bruises on his skin whilst the elegant fingers uncurled from his hair, slipping over his neck only to end up digging half moons into his broad shoulders. He almost chokes, a faint noise heard from the back of his throat as he stared so intensely, a stare that would leave anyone selfconcious. He says nothing in that moment, just stands there looking like a mess himself post intimacy. It’s a rare sight, the morning after, not many people getting the chance to see it but it’s beautiful. The sunrays pouring through the window melt like honey on his olive complexion, showing the signs of love making clear on his skin. Somewhere in the depths of his mind where the romantic and the hedonist meet, he gets told to bath in what had happened. Their true nature comes out when they get drunk. Filters disappear when they get drunk. Julien was his when they got drunk. It was real. It was raw. But he’s too terrified. Eyes fall onto Julien expression and they mirror each other so well, both regretful, both scared, both so uncertain. But the fact is that both of them can’t know what the other is thinking. And false truths get formed. He reads his expression wrongly, and it breaks him.

Blanching, the subtle red hue that stays on his skin after alcohol and sex drains completely. The regret that lingers on the visage, that normally blossomed flowers in his chest, feels like it’s knives digging straight in his heart. Why is he regretful? Is it because he got drunk and slept with his best friend? Is it because the endless flirting ended up in disappointment? Was he not good enough? The uncertainty throws him in the negatives. Strange was it, that if Julien was looking at him with nothing but love and adoration, he’d be just as scared. Just for another reason. “It looks like-” As soon as he starts talking the words die in the back of his throat. He can’t say it. He can’t say what’s on the tip of his tongue. His aching head isn’t letting him. Eyes tear away from Juliens face, but not before they flashed with something Julien was unfamiliar with. Fingers run through the dark brown locks atop his head as he looked at anything that wasn’t the source of his affection and his troubles, his Adams apple bopping up and down to swallow away the rest of the sentence he couldn’t vocalize, replacing it with a harsher one. “-Like something we shouldn’t have done.” It hurts to say, but wasn’t it true? They shouldn’t have. And the sentence contrast so much with the way he was last night. When every fibre in his body said he should do it. When he was so sure of pouring everything into it, into loving him and having him and making him shout his name. So hungrily, so needy, like he’d been deprived from it for too long. With their mouths bruising from rough kisses that would betray if they could watch it back, their bodies molding together like they’d belong against each other, their voices vocalizing their most inner desires and hidden truths about one another and it all felt so right. But now..

Jerome turns around when the words left his lips and the pretty red lines that ran down his back in fives where still so vibrant after the nights sleep, connecting all the unique moles that kissed his skin with one another. He’s distraught. He remembers telling Julien to be his special someone, he remembers Julien suggesting to be his, to marry him even, but just for a song. He remembers slowdancing through the livingroom with Julien, head on his shoulder and fingers intertwined as he sang, just to him. He remembers the kiss, pressed so unexpectedly but so welcomed and needed and the second their mouths connected all he wanted was to keep tasting, like he had nectar on his lips. And Jerome lets his tongue swipe across his lips nervously, breath almost hitching when he did, like he still tasted Julien on them. He feels like he’s suffocating in the room, even with his body turned away from Julien he could feel him and it breaks him apart. He feels stupid. He feels scared. He feels like he betrayed himself again. Don’t fall in love. He finds Julien. Don’t let people get too close. He has Julien. Don’t do anything stupid. He touches Julien. Don’t get intimate with him. He kisses Julien. Don’t love him. He loves him. Oh, he needs to breathe. “I-I’m getting you some aspirins and water. Stay here.” He tells him, genuine care mixed with excuses to leave the room heavy with tension and regret. As he walks to the door that leads outside of his bedroom, Julien has the chance to say something if he so pleases, the month younger male stumbling to the door with a way too clouded mind. What he wanted to vocalize was left unsaid but it rang more true than the words of regret that escaped his lips after observing Juliens skin. /It looks like… like I loved you/ W O O P S. WELL. WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I REGRET. I REGRET. AS MUCH AS JEROME AND JULIEN. I’M CRYING. (but- ohmygod. Catch Jerome’s hips stuttering or his teeth just biting down a bit harder onto his skin when Julien says that, admits that. Because he has this weird thing with being wanted and being unwanted because of everything that happened in his life and to have Julien tell him that he’s wanted him, ohmygod Jerome almost comes right there and then lbr here. It’s canon that Julien can break him by either telling him he loves him or telling him how much he wants him btw. Like it’s powerful. BUT OHMYGOD THOUGH Jerome remembers this when they are arguing together and Julien just says something with the word /want/ in his sentence and the night hits him like a stack of bricks. He hears Julien tell him that he wanted him between the heavy breathing and the sounds and oh shit Jerome ends up kicking Julien out of his hotel room)

Oh my god. I’m in so much pain. Would Julien name drop? I don’t think he would but I gotta ask because wow if he did that would be messy. Like. Jisoo is Jerome’s company mate they see each other often and it would be.. oh lord. The visual of Julien crying w the cats though I’m so pained. The only person in Korea he could talk to would be Ash and he’d probably blow up the poor boys phone with it. Freddy is also someone he could talk to be he suspects too much already. If he comes online saying a friend had sex with a friend he’d just “So you finally had sex with the love of your life huh?” and he cant have that. But, in Indonesia he’d have this odd conversation with Yoonah who thinks he’s trying to hit on her again after years of him not doing so but he’s just needs advice. He asks her something along the lines of /what if we got really drunk and fucked right now. how would we fix it./ and he knows whatever answer he gets wont help because Yoonah isn’t Julien but he needs to talk without explicitly stating he made love to Julien in a drunken haze and now he feels hopeless. They don’t talk for a few days, maybe Yo. I’d feel like they’d argue. Like. A lot. Because neither of them are that smart when heated. And all this tension just builds up and up with the moments of not speaking to the avoiding to Jerome going home with a way too pretty French girl (from Dax’s descriptions “He totally scored. She was eyeing him the whole night. He even ditched me to talk to her privately somewhere and lord knows what they did there.” and the photos of them walking almost hand in hand to the pictures from a disheveled Jerome leaving the hotel like an hour later) after proclaiming their night together was something they shouldn’t have done and wow. They need a cooling period. And that cooling period are the last few days. But then. THE AIRPORT. (also. YES. IM WRITING IT NOW AND I WANT TO CRY 1000000 TEARS)

Ok. But. They are both exhausted after Tokyo, physically and emotionally because damn these poor boys. They half avoid each other with silent glances during rehearsal and the concert. They bump into each other at the airport and even though they’ve seen each other, it feel like they haven’t. Both look so drained Jerome doesn’t fall asleep on the plane in this scenario. He stays awake and Julien tries to read his book whilst glancing at Jerome sometimes whilst Jerome has his earbuds in listening to an album (literally if it was out it wouldve been Joji’s In Tongues but XXXTentacion’s 17 is angst af too.) whilst looking out of the window. And if they sit next to their managers they just glance at each other sometimes, gaining eyecontact before breaking it because emotions spill. But if they sit next to each other their arms bump sometimes, their hands do too, and these subtle touches are accidental. or maybe not. And it allows them to look at each other with reasons. Jerome mumbles a sorry. Or Julien does. But their hands don’t migrate. They stay put. Their fingers crawl together until at the end of the plane ride and they are even more tired than before, their fingers are intertwined. They are too exhausted to think clearly when they get off the plane and end up driving home together only for Jerome to crash at Juliens (Jerome’s bedroom is tainted now. cries. Let’s taint Juliens.) and because they’re so tired it’s all so soft. They don’t have the energy to be angsty or frustrated against each other. Jerome suggests he can fall asleep on the couch, or Julien offers his bed to Jerome. Just- they sleep apart first. But they miss each other. They can’t fall asleep. And Julien ends up crawling next to him on the couch or the bed because he misses him and he can’t sleep. Jerome couldn’t sleep either even if exhaustion is pulling his eyelids shut, he wants to be hold by Julien. They lay there nose to nose and in the moment it’s all so innocent. so serene. Julien mumbles stuff in his sleepy state and Jerome listens. He’s so calm listening to the voice. His hands rest against Juliens chest and Juliens arms are around his waist. With a single kiss on the forehead followed by their noses brushing together, they fall asleep. WOW And Jerome wakes up first hours later when the sun melts through the blinds. He notices he’s not in his own bedroom, he notices two arms slung around his waist holding him tightly against the warm frame the arms belonged to, he feels the warmth of breathing against the nape of his neck and its Julien. Alarmed he goes to check under the blankets, it can’t happen twice right? Not drunk on alcohol but drunk on exhaustion. But he relaxes when he sees the sweatpants hugging his waist but tenses at the sight of Juliens hands locking just on his abdomen. He turns his head, barely able to see Julien but he catches a glimpse. And he looks heart-achingly beautiful, all disheveled hair and calm expression with still the faint tan that carried over from the summer months when life was good and Jerome lets out a quiet gasp before turning to face head on again. He swallows, squeezing his eyes shut and decided not to wake Julien, not to remove the arms around his waist and slide out of bed. He decides to stay put, pretend to be asleep until Julien would wake up. Because, that morning after the drunken night, he regretted waking up. The warmth had been so nice, even if the dull pulsing of a massive headache made itself known in his dreams. It was so nice. And even if it’ll hurt so much if Julien regrets having him sleep over, he is listening to his romantic side now. Bath in it. This serene ethereal moment undisturbed by real life problems. RIP i’m SO SORRY.

But.. what if they worked on it beforehand (because Jerome wrote part of the song and came to Julien originally for him to sing it and it ended in “Let’s sing it together.”) but had to record it afterwards- and its tension city in the recording studio because the topic of the song, and everything happening, and them unable to speak to one another normally. BUT ITS RAW AS FUCK. LIKE. LOOK. THE CONTENTS OF THE SONG. Jerome messes up way too many times when he looks at Julien, his voice breaking, but then, one take goes flawless. Because in that take he realizes he’s still clawing at the sun. He still lets it melt his wax wings. He still falls but wont give up because he fell in love with the sun. NO IM REALLY SORRY. looks at the live version of Icarus and sobs because JB looks like he’s in his own world and JEROME. BUT. Jerome is busy with his new album and he goes so far into it. (im so interested whats its about bc it has Revenge in the title and im eye emoji x100 dean pls give my son something i can work with) they don’t see each other at all (#rip birthday headcanon ur safe in our hearts) and then indonesia. just them. they have to talk. And okay Jerome is like being stabbed in the heart from all sides but deep down he just wants Julien to make it better, like he always does even if he doesn’t realizes it. Oh my god though. Cue Jerome anxiously watching the door like /i cant talk about this NO/ and daring him to say anything but when julien takes him up on his dare he just opens the door and pulls him inside ohmygod iM CRYING. I CANT. OUR BOYS. OUR BEAUTIFUL BOYS. BIG ASS EARS. BIGGER THAN THE SUN. I love this sm. Like. Ash influencing Jerome to snatch Julien up and Jerome influencing Ash to hang out with Julien more whilst Julien is just o3o hello and they are just oblivious that its them doing it and im crying.

AGAIN. ok but. cue the slow motion Ash and Rome turning to Julien before looking at each other and back at julien like “holy shit.” the day. It’s funny too that Jerome lit hates Daeun for NO REASON other than her sounding like Marie (is he the worst or nah?) and kind of being friends with Hansol after a rough start of him basically insulting Origin after his smtm thing. jfc. It’s all connected. and look. can you feel my love from across the oceans for julien rn. because im radiating. He’s my soft lil son in law and idk what to do with myself. When Julien is actually the sun because sunshine makes you happy. Julien Shin, Korea’s personal vitamine D supplement ;u; oh my god though. if he not yet knows its Ash and Julien sees the number and asks Jerome. Jerome just. “Ash texted me?” and checks but he still has Ash’s old number saved as Ashton and he never calls him anyway so he just doesn’t put two and two together when he sees the texts from Taki. “Getting my hopes up for a text from THE Taeyong and I get disappointed. Tsk Tsk Tsk.” He says as he messes up Juliens hair-

oh god this hurts me. this hurts me so much holy shit. And there have been times that julien gets like that when he’s drunk. those times where he plops himself in jerome’s lap and “don’t you want to kiss me?” mumbling while his hands clumsily card through jerome’s locks and jerome has to just rest his chin on his shoulder and hold him. julien challenges him too often, but there’s a playfulness to it that’s different from this time around. this time, he’s clear about his desire instead of teasing. he’s drunk but he’s wrapped up in jerome’s arms and in the moment and “i’m your special someone, aren’t i?” murmuring while leaning in closer until they’re barely millimeters apart. “won’t you remind me just how special i am?” he’d breathe out, breathy words against jerome’s mouth before julien moves in to continue the kiss. and jerome doesn’t stop him, but julien wouldn’t have wanted him to stop. julien wants jerome to be his, has wanted it for longer than he’d like to admit. he’d love to blame his lack of sleep and intoxication for his actions but he really can’t, because at the end of the day this is what he wanted, even if it wasn’t the way he wanted it to happen. and even at jerome’s wedding day just having jerome close to him like that had julien drinking himself into jisoo’s car to get him home. all these times that julien flirted with him while drunk, every time that julien hinted at wanting jerome. that one time that jerome finally didn’t push him away, with arms wrapping around him and guiding him toward the bedroom, there’s a part of julien that for a moment wonders if jerome will still want him after that night. all the senseless flirting and lingering touches and eye contact… would jerome still want julien when they wake up? a drunk julien is a genuine one, brutally honest and doing things that julien has wanted to do but never had the courage to do so.

as they stare at each other from across the room, there’s a lot that’s going on in both of their heads. julien’s gaze runs from the way jerome’s hair is disheveled and sticking out in different directions, down to the way his skin looks in the morning light, and at that moment julien is already worried about what jerome’s back is going to look like the second he sees it. julien doesn’t even realize just how marked up he is, but he can feel that his lips are sore, possibly bruised from the way they were kissing the night before. while julien can’t remember minute details from the night before, he can remember enough to know what happened. the way he asked jerome to be his, the way they danced in the living room, the way he dared jerome to kiss him, and how one thing happened after another. julien can even remember moments in the middle of it; the way he let his head fall back against the pillows to bare his neck at the other to mark up to his heart’s content, the way his fingers clawed at the other’s back with each thrust and mark on his skin, even the way jerome’s mouth was right up next to his ear, nibbling and breathing hotly in his ear between words. as much as julien regrets this happening in a way that he didn’t have any control over, he also regrets that he can’t remember every touch and kiss. but he waits, wondering how jerome is going to answer him. he’s not quite happy to hear jerome’s response. /like something we shouldn’t have done/. it’s one thing for julien to think about it, but for him to hear the other say it has him feeling some type of way. “…yeah. something we shouldn’t have done.” he’d reply in a soft murmur, fingers absentmindedly playing with the sheets in his lap.

it feels like there’s poison in julien’s system, making it’s way to his stomach and working into his system. those words that jerome spoke felt like daggers piercing through him but he can’t figure out why he’s so hurt. he thinks the same thing, right? that it was something they shouldn’t have done, but then again for jerome to say that implies that jerome regretted it. that in itself has julien’s breathing getting harder to do. his heart seizes, his breath catches, and his head drops down for him to stare at his fingers in his lap. he sits wordlessly, trying to fight the tears from welling up in his eyes as he realizes just how badly this turned out. with jerome out of the room, julien finally works on climbing out of bed, feet hitting the floor and room starting to spin but he just wants to get out of there. he can’t stand to see jerome looking at him like that, saying they did something they shouldn’t have done. it doesn’t help that his clothes are scattered all over the place, and he exits the room wearing his briefs and the first shirt on the floor, probably jerome’s. he haphazardly buttons it up as he exits the bedroom, the buttons not even aligning with the openings on the shirt, but it’s a shirt and it’s something he can walk out with. he makes it far enough to pass the bathroom where jerome emerges, and julien is mumbling quickly and “i-i have to go… just drop edith off on your way to the airport,” he’d crack out, voice hoarse still from the night before. “have fun on your honeymoon.” and he’s saying this while avoiding eye contact but he just needs to get out of there. (oh god. when julien actually confesses that, he truly means it. he can’t quite figure out when the moment was that he realized he loves jerome, but he can say that the moment he first wanted jerome was when they first met. while yes, he’s wanted jerome in a physical way from the get-go, a simple attraction to someone, it’s only been recently that julien’s wanted all of jerome. he’s drunk and doesn’t quite articulate it more than saying he wants him, but when he’s sober and he finally realizes that his words truly affect jerome, he starts to be more vocal about it. he’d go into detail about how much he loves and wants jerome, talk about what he’d give up just to have jerome to himself, how selfish he wants to be with jerome because he loves and wants him so much. but they’d be arguing in japan in jerome’s hotel room about the situation and jerome won’t tell him anything but tell julien he’s misunderstanding the situation and julien just “what do you want from me, jerome? what do you want?” and it stops jerome dead in his tracks, the sound of julien’s voice resonating in his head and BREATHES.)

nah, julien wouldn’t name drop. he’d probably cry to jisoo and he wouldn’t be specific but just “i fucked up so badly, i don’t know what to do;;;;” and he’d try to keep it as vague as possible. ofc he’d probably just lie in bed with the two cats and looking at edi and “i’m sorry i took your spot in your dad’s bed last night… i really shouldn’t have bc now i feel like shit.” but omg imagine julien ended up crying to ash instead and ash is just somehow getting both sides of the story OH GOD. but tbh julien just needs to try and talk himself through it and as great as the cats are, they don’t exactly provide advice, they just listen to him. and julien already knew that they weren’t going to talk much while jerome was gone bc he would be filming, but even after he returns there’s only a super brief conversation between them when jerome comes and picks up edi from julien’s place. and since then it’s just small talk between them bc they’re best friends but they’re also in this strange territory with their relationship. they’ll message each other once in a while to say hello but that’s about it; they don’t go into their deep conversations like they used to, don’t spend nearly an hour on the phone talking about everything and nothing at the same time. it’s as if they do’t know how to talk to each other anymore. and it’s the japan trip that nearly breaks them because of marie. the marie situation provides both a trainwreck but also a way to salvage the relationship. there’s so much arguing in tokyo, especially with julien losing it over the fact that jerome left with marie but also jerome refusing to explain anything to julien.

by the end of the trip, julien is so exhausted, both physically, mentally, and emotionally. they didn’t speak for the entire day, and even during the rehearsals julien just went and did his performance, then got off the stage. when jerome passed julien just backstage, julien looked at jerome with his facade in full force. usually, he saves his genuine expressions and smiles for jerome, leaves his polite public image behind for the other, but this time around it’s just a simple, polite smile. the smile looks perfect, but that’s exactly what julien doesn’t do with jerome. and it happens again when he gets off stage during the concert, only keeping the expression on his face in case anyone else is looking at them; he has to keep up appearances, despite his current mood and situation. but at the end of the concert, they’re already en route to the airport and julien probably hopped in with the other soloists or with element or something, too lost in his own world. there’s his facade up again, a black mask on his face and tired eyes behind his spectacles. and the entire plane ride is tense to say the least. they end up sitting next to each other, their managers suggesting they do because they’re best friends and also promotes the bc/gold star partnership that everyone wants so badly. but they sit there, jerome with his mask and headphones while julien is curled up in his seat trying to read. he can’t seem to focus though, his eyes are skimming over the pages but he’s not comprehending any of the words. at one point, he just closes the book and rests it in his lap before turning off the overhead light and staring out the window, not caring that it’s pitch black outside. the thing with the red eye flights is that most people are sleeping on the flight, but julien can’t seem to sleep, even though he’s so tired. when their fingers gravitate toward each other, julien lets out a sigh before dropping his head to gently rest on jerome’s shoulder. as their fingers intertwine, julien can’t help but give the other’s hand a squeeze. it’s a faint squeeze, but it speaks volumes. despite the fact that they aren’t talking, julien still cares for jerome more than ever. when the plane lands, julien lifts his head from jerome’s shoulder, giving his hand one more squeeze before unraveling his fingers and rubbing his eyes. they end up at julien’s place instead, simply because it’s closer to the airport, and jerome’s had his own toothbrush and clothes at julien’s place after spending a lot of nights there in the first place. jerome insists that julien sleeps in his bed (”it’s your bed. the best feeling after coming back from a work trip is sleeping in your bed.”) while jerome sleeps on the couch. but twenty minutes pass before julien emerges from the room, turning on one of the lamps in his living room and heading toward the couch. approaching where jerome is lying, julien lowers himself to the floor at the spot in front of the couch, folding his arms on the kitchen and resting his chin on his forearms to look at him. he’d reach a hand out, fingers gently running through jerome’s hair “there’s room for two people on the bed… please?” mumbling softly. he wants to continue, to say that he sleeps best with jerome next to him, but it’s one of those things that can remain unspoken for now. they end up under the covers in julien’s bed, arms wrapped around each other and julien’s sleepily mumbling about how much he misses jerome and his eyes are just watery from exhaustion. “i’m tired of fighting… i just want to be with you, why is that so hard?” and he’s nearly asleep to the point that he becomes way too honest just like when he’s drunk, but it’s the last thing he says really, before he ends up falling asleep. when julien finally wakes up the next morning, eyes fluttering open, it takes him a few moments to remember what happened the night before. despite it being late fall, it’s late enough in the morning that the sun is filtering through the window, rays falling upon jerome’s dark locks. with a soft sigh, julien would lean in, lips gently pressing to the nape of jerome’s neck in a soft kiss, before pressing one more kiss and closing his eyes once more. he just wants to relax and recover from the past week of events, and it feels like he’s just waking up from a nightmare.

i like this idea. like jerome brought it up to him before the whole mess that was life in pink. like maybe over the summer before they did the we got married thing. because i’d imagine them to still be happy and affectionate as ever but before they started to cross the line. because life in pink happened right after the wedding and they definitely had that cool down period between jerome’s honeymoon and the triple fantasy concert in japan. maybe they started working on it a little between the honeymoon and concert in japan because it’s still tension and the hookup after life in pink is still pretty fresh in their minds. and it takes so long to get the song recorded bc they both are trying to avoid the other especially since it hurts too much for both of them to continue acting like nothing happened that night and that their feelings aren’t obvious. jerome messes up and julien has a hard time focusing because of the lyrics behind it and he seriously wants to just confront the situation but neither of them are in the condition to do so just yet. and in one moment, julien begins to sing his part, fingers clutching to keep the headphones snug over his ears as he stares at jerome head on from in the recording area. like he’s staring at jerome so hard while he sings his lines, daring jerome to break the eye contact as he continues to sing. but when they finally finish recording the song, it’s super awkward and quiet between them and julien packs up his things before “…are you okay getting home?” he asks, voice unsure as if he was searching for a reason to speak to jerome. (ALSO PLS I ALREADY KNOW THIS NEW ALBUM IS GONNA BE LIT AF BUT ALSO @ ERIC NAM WHERE IS THE NEW ALBUM??) julien probably gets really fucked up on halloween and sleeps through half of his birthday bc he’s not really feeling it this year and wants to stay home. BUT. indonesia is going to be a m e s s. at that point, it’s been radio silence from jerome for a long time and julien is actually hitting his breaking point. he couldn’t stand jerome not talking to him when the phone call thing happened, and this is so much worse than that. julien misses jerome terribly, and while they ended up just going home together after triple fantasy just to sleep, their relationship is in a state of flux and there’s a lot of push and pull. there’s the cover that they do for the mbc song festival, which is already tension bc it’s after triple fantasy and they’re not exactly great yet bc of the marie thing. but indonesia happens literally those next few days and it’s after icarus releases and they haven’t even talked since then and julien’s just beyond frustrated. jerome finally yanks julien into the hotel room and when the door closes julien looks at him while breathing and he lets out a sigh before plopping down on the floor. “i just want to talk to you. please. i’m tired of this, jerome.”

MY BABY’S BIG EARS. when julien sees cute little edi he gets smitten with her because her ears are big too;;;;; okay tbh though? jerome would come over to julien’s and julien and ash are sprawled out watching ‘your name’ and jerome plops down on the couch with them and ofc jerome is curious and asks who chose the movie and julien just “ouo this is ash’s favorite movie.” and they’re continuing to watch but jerome is just like /ok interesting/ and later on when the movie is over jerome asks them how they know each other and “us? ash and i have known each other since we were kids, actually. we still try to hang out, even though ash here has the busiest schedule ever” and jerome is starting to piece it together. julien just “let’s hang out again sometime? i’ll start a group text ouo” and right as he sends the messages the pair just stop and look at the group chat and who’s in it and “……….” IDK I STARTED THINKING ABOUT THIS BUT IT’S HELLA CUTE ; W ;

#&&. 2017.11;#&&. verse: canon;

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