#its sooo fucking humbling then growing up and just being normal. why didnt my special qualities follow me as i grew up??? its not fair but

[shoresalt]

long post about school

i cant help but take academic advice and suggestions and marks so personally as if they reflect who i am morally and my personality. even the simplest mistake of formatting a citation incorrectly ((when citations weren't even necessary i just wanted to provide a source... ) makes me think i am unfixable. and then i see 80s on my report cards and freak out inside. but if anyone else told me they got that mark i would be happy for them. i dont view even lower marks as a representation of my friends? so why do i assume others are having those thoughts about me? is it because i dont know my teachers very personally? and they're more prone to making assumptions about me? (are they even, really??) i feel offended when i see that i'm not at the top of my class. because it makes me look lazy compared to past grades, even if my teachers and classmates didn't even know me then. i'm afraid they'll see me failing and be mad or rude or think i'm no good. grades never affect the way i perceive others. why isnt it the same when i flip it to myself???

i need to find a way to understand that that advice will result in me learning! it does! i have demonstrated this! i can learn from my mistakes!!! i already understand it, logically, but it still pains me anyways. maybe its the permanence of grades. the way they dont change even when i learn something correctly or fix a mistake.

#diary #i think the whole gifted thing makes me very stuck-up and when i do something wrong or fail even a little bit it is like a shot to my ego #i relied in my childhood so much on feeling better than others because i was smarter. i wasnt ever by much but that's still what happened #its sooo fucking humbling then growing up and just being normal. why didnt my special qualities follow me as i grew up??? its not fair but #i think i need it. it's necessary for me to actually learn right? #now i have a reason to teach myself proper ways to study and improve and i have to put in effort like everyone else. like i absolutely #deserve to be humbled in such a way. i dont know if its because being so stuck up made me rude or mean or bad or maybe its just the fault o #the education system for making me feel better than others when i wasnt rlly. its probably both equally. its my fault for believing and #trusting that i was gifted all the way into highschool when the label clearly didnt fit me anymore #like it shoukd have been obvious when i didnt get any special treatment and wasnt bumped up a grade or anything like that #anyways anyways #im looking at it now like this is things being worse before they get better. i just need to adjust. im comfortable with that fact. i'll be #more comfortable with it eventually. especially once i'm proud of my learning again. (maybe that restarts a bad cycle. i'll be careful.) #writing out stuff is so much more useful than i realised hahaha