#just start something. make progress and eventually youll be done. stop whining abt it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#shout out to that tiny glimmer of focus i had Saturday before i dumped ants on my brain #now im stuck in. i have to be productive but i csnt focus but i csnt do anything fun loop #half of my brain: what if u just relax? the othet half: no. shut up. what i just agonize until i explode? #annoying. and im apparently on call for jury duty the entire month of January #which means i have to be back from home by jan 2. and i probably have to stay until at leas dec 20th here #so optimistically i could have 12 full days and 2 travel days. but we'll see what happens #my mum is looking at flights for me bc im a barely functional person and i end up in hysterical tesrs everytime i have tk buy plane tickets #everytime they call i feel like im talking to them from the bottom of a well. like hi! hello! nice to see familiar faces! #tell me tales from the outside world! oh not much going on? thats ok we can still talk tho. talk and talk and talk #i talk to much. because im stuck in this well and im sad and i want someone to help me but also the ladder is right there and im choosing #not to stand up. so the conversation ends and i go back to laying half submerged and crumpled up in my well water #slowly unraveling into my stagent little puddle #and i cant stop thinking about all the time im blurring away #my mum asked if i was even coming home for Christmas #and im like. of course im coming home. i dont want to be here but its so hard to get my brain to justify leaving #i dunno. i just have to get these stupid manuscripts done. and applications submitted #so i can at least breathe a little. and then hopefully ill get accepted somewhere and i can throw myself into something more wonderful #so i can at least see the stars from the bottom of my sad little well #ugh. the amount of time i spend paralyzed by all the things i have to do is infuriating #just start something. make progress and eventually youll be done. stop whining abt it #ay ay ay. mayhaps i should just quit today and hope for a better tomorrow #but then im just pushing back everything a little further. ay. it never ends #unrelated #srry for being so mopey :-P like i said i talk too much