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mira9deadgirlalive · 3 years

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CHAPTER 1

It had been a long day of schedules and the leader of Super Junior crashed into his bed and sighed at the feel of his soft sheets hitting his skin, it was another successful day for Super Junior but the day had ended extremely late and he could get exactly 3 hours of sleep before the next day’s schedules would start and he intended in utilising every minute of it for sleep. He replayed the events of the day in his head like he did every night, when one particular event stuck. It was that morning when he was reviewing the schedules with the others.

Couple hours before

“Has everyone gone through the script of today’s show”, he asked looking at his team mates, they all nodded and answered in various ways of yes. When Yesung caught his attention. He was staring into blank space with a gentle smile playing on his lips, obviously day dreaming, “Yesung”, the leader sighed, “Yesung”, he said louder when the younger didn’t respond, “Yesung!”, he finally shouted snapping the other out of his daydream, “Huh?”, yesung said. “Did u learn your script”, Leeteuk replied while rubbing his forehead, “oh um no I was busy”, “What!”, he exclaimed “busy with what I told you specifically that we needed to learn this script its important for our promotions”, “Oh I-I-“, Yesung tried defending himself when Leeteuk interrupted “You know what I don’t even have time for this you can just stay quite through out the show we don’t need anyone bringing us down and I have no time to deal with a nuisance of a member”, he shouted which made yesung take a step back “I’m sorry Hyung I wont do it again”, Leeteuk just glared at him “lets go guys let him do what he wants to do”, he said storming out of the place.

Leeteuk sighed he hadn’t meant to be harsh on the younger but he had a lot of pressure on him and couldn’t help but lash out, he tried closing his eyes but Yesung’s hurt face refused to leave his mind, he sighed again he could think of 1000 excuses but that didn’t justify his behaviour Yesung worked as hard as any of them, he knew he wasn’t going to get any sleep unless he spoke to Yesung so he jumped out of bed and made it towards the other’s room. When he heard Yesung’s voice. Yesung was laying on his bed holding a small picture frame in his hand and smiling

“I love you”, yesung told the photo frame softly. Leeteuk hid silently deciding to overhear what Yesung wanted to say, “I love you so much”, Yesung said “I would always find it ridiculous when my parents said that they couldn’t live without each other now I know what they feel, you bring me so much happiness that its physically hurts, you wont believe it but it has been a long time since I was happy I can’t stop reading all those hate comments about how I dint deserve to be in the band and it has gotten so bad that I hardly get sleep without popping a few pills I often feared that I would land up in an hospital because of it but after our date yesterday I actually slept and dreamt. I love you so much”, he pulled the frame closer to him and gave it a kiss.

Leeteuk was shocked not only because Yesung was in love but he had never known about his sleeping problem or that fact that he consumed pills to help him sleep. If made Leeteuk feel even more guilty of the incident that had taken place that morning and made him feel like a bad leader for not noticing something this serious how couldn’t he have noticed. How many other things like this were the others hiding from him.

He couldn’t bear it anymore he entered Yesung’s room which made the younger shoot up and hide the photo frame behind his back, “you don’t have to hide it from me”, Teuk said “I heard a lot of the conversation”. “Oh”, Yesung said confusion leaving his face “What were you doing outside my room?”, “I-uh”, Teuk replied sitting next to Yesung “Came to apologize about what happened today nothing justifies my behaviour I’m sorry”, “oh thats ok Hyung you were stressed I get it”, Yesung replied with a real smile. Yesung hadn’t taken what the leader had said to heart he knew rhat teuk hadn’t ment it Teuk was a great leader but it and often the management would put extra pressure on him which not only made yeung mad but all the other members they had often seen teuk fighting tiredness and over working himself which worried all of them. “Yesung why didn’t you tell any of us about your troubles or that you were taking pills”, Teuk said pulling Yesung out of his thoughts “oh-I-I didn’t think any of you would care”, Yesung whispered. Teuk felt his heart clench and he pulled his younger brother into his arms “You matter Yesung”, He cpuldnt imagine Super Junior with out their main vocalist it would be incomplete. “You are a vital member of this group and we cannot do without you, each and everyone of us love you even if we tease you”, They both smiled at the dozen memeories they had of Yesung’s unpredictable reactions.

Yesung smiled at his Hyung “Thank you so much”, he said which made Teuk smile wider. “So”, Teuk said putting an arm around Yesung “Who is the girl?”, “Oh!”, Yesung said, “um no one”. “Yesung you don’t have to hide ,falling in love is the most natural thing even if it is banned in our world you don’t have to hide it from us”, Yesung looked down” Hyung?, he asked suddenly his face becoming serious. “Love is love right?”, “Yes of course”, Leeteuk replied immidiately “And no mater what I’ll still be Yesung right”, “yes?”, Teuk replied not sure where this conversation was going. “Hyung what if I told you about the person, I loved”, “I would be delighted to know about her”, Teuk replied extre,ely confused at the the conversation, “I’m in love with someone amazing Hyung someone who makes me extremely happy and someone I promise to make as happy as the person makes me”. “I’m glad to hear that”,Teuk said smiling at Yesung glad that Yesung had found someone so special. Yesung got up and paced around his room for a few moments while Teuk silently waited, “Hyung”,Yesung said “I’m-I’m not in love with a girl’, “what do you mean the”, leader replied, “I’m in love with a with a..”,say it Teuk demanded “With a guy”, Yesung whispered clenching his fist and looking down.

A whirl of emotions went through Yesung’s head ever since he was a kid he was always taught that men fall in love with women, every fairy tale had that story and so did every TV show, so when he felt something for a guy what people described as love he was confused, he pushed down his feelings and suppressed It for a long time until he met someone when he was in high school, when he revealed it to his parents they quickly rejected the idea calling it a phase and telling him that it wasn’t possible. For a long time, he believed it until he realised that it wasn’t a phase it was just who he is and nothing could change it, but every time he had revealed this to someone, they had turned his back at him, He looked at the man who had led the group for so many years who took the role of a big brother in his life, he wouldn’t turn away would he? and most importantly Yesung wouldn’t be kicked out would he?. He looked up and Leeteuk preparing for an insult. “Are you telling me that you are Gay?”,

Yesung took a deep breath and nodded tears filling his eyes for some reason he hated himself for it and he had no idea why he soon felt to arms circling around hi holding him and sobs rocked his entire body. Yesung stop crying its okay its okay Teuk said holding him close. Thank you for sharing this with me Yesung looked at him as Leeteuk smiled at him its love Yesung and every human has the right to love in their own way. A smile cracked through his face while he buried himself in his Leader’s chest.

Please do comment if u like this

#superjunior #yesung/oc #lgbtq #fanfiction

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mumofadaofficial-blog · 5 years

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Sometimes life really is a fairy tale.

I knew I wanted children, hell, I thought I wanted a football team of them! Nathan on the other hand, didn’t think he would ever have a girlfriend, didn’t think he would ever fall in love, didn’t think he would ever move away from home (let alone to Norfolk), and definitely hadn’t even thought about kids.

Me and Nathan met in Australia, one of my favourite places with the best memories! I was at a stage in my life where I didn’t want a boyfriend, I was happy with myself and content to be just me. Then BOOM, like a sack of shit, Nathan comes along (not that he’s a sack of shit but you know what I mean).

My first opinion of Nathan on a night out was ‘what a wanker!’ ‘Look at him, so arrogant’ Then I found myself outside with no one to speak to but him, instantly I thought ‘wow, you bitch, he’s actually nice!’ ‘That arrogant look is just his face!’ (Soz Nath) We got on like a house on fire, laughed and chatted most of the night and then it came to the point that left me speechless…a hard task if you know me. He said mid conversation ‘I’ve got to stop talking to you else I’m gonna fall in love with you’ And that was it, he was gone! LIKE WTF!!!! Thinking about it now, how many girls you used that line on Nath? haha

Now I was a bit unlucky in love previously and my dad said to me once ‘When you find the right one, you’ll know’. I thought that was bullshit and that Robbie P was living in some sort of fairy tale world.

I woke up and couldn’t stop thinking that I had to to speak to him and see him again, problem was, I only knew his name was Nathan and that he lived in a house down the road. Should I just rock up there? Absolutely fucking not. So what did I do…trusty old Tinder! There was probably only about 40 people live in the area so it couldn’t be that hard to find him. I set the location to the lowest possible and got to work (yes I am a nutter!!) But I found him, swiped right and it was a match, slid into his DMs and the rest was history. With in about 2 weeks he had moved in and we started our relationship on that little banana farm in the middle of nowhere. We became best friends, I was due to come home to England but decided I had to give this a go, I went back to Oz and started my 2nd year visa, best decision I’ve ever made. We travelled some more together, made some amazing memories and decided it was time to come home to England and work towards our future.

I remember asking him once if he wanted kids…he told me he’d never thought about it, maybe one day but maybe not. I think we were probably about 6 months into our relationship at this point, why he didn’t run a mile at my physco questions then I will never know! 🔪Maybe he knew I was the one….maybe he’s just too laid back to care! At that point I told him I could see us together for the rest of our lives, and if it was out of the question then that was going to be a big problem for me. I think he called me a nutter and maybe a few other words, but we’re still together so he must of seen something for us - even if he’s not very good with words!

Once we moved home I always did the big hint drops of babies and engagement and he would just say ‘Maybe one day’ then he told me the more times I spoke about marriage the longer it would take him to ask me…it did the trick and I stopped asking, well, stopped asking as much anyway.

So I found myself, 25 years old and in a seriously happy relationship with my best friend. It seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant or getting engaged. I was jealous! As selfish as that sounds I really wanted that to be me, I’m sure I’m not alone in this and I reckon a lot of people must feel like this at some point in their life. Id been on the pill since 16/17 and had all the thoughts of ‘how long will it take for this to come out of my system?’ and ‘Can I even get pregnant’.

Id got to that stage of GIMME A BABY!!

So in true me style, I had a melt down, cried a little bit and told Nath how I felt. Then in true Nathan style he simply said ‘Well, your not gonna get pregnant if you don’t stop taking your pill are you!’

That was it, we were officially trying for a fricken baby and I felt like I was going to combust with excitement! Now before trying for a baby me and Nath simply thought, if your not using any contraception and your having sex, your just gonna get pregnant, right? Little did we know about that fertile window. After month one of trying and not getting pregnant (very impatient I know), I got myself a handy little app and turned into some sort of crazy sex planner. If that app was green, we were doing it, and if it wasn’t, well maybe we should just incase. Poor Nath didn’t know what had hit him! I was recording periods, when we had sex, my moods, the lot! I think I must of done about 10 pregnancy tests in this time, I’m so impatient I just had to keep checking. Turns out it happened pretty quickly! We started trying at the end of August and by October I was preggers! I just had a ‘feeling’ now I’m not sure if everyone feels this when they are pregnant but I knew I was, I was convinced. We bought a test and I was itching to get home and do it.

*Weeing commenced* It was one of those digital clear blue ones, I just sat there watching this little egg timer on the screen and it was too much, it was taking forever, I couldn’t cope sitting there so walked away and left it to develop. As I came back and bent down to pick it up, it pinged up on the screen ‘PREGNANT’ I could not fucking believe it! Naturally, I burst into tear, ran down stairs with my hand over my mouth and threw the test at Nathan. I think the actual words to come out of his mouth were ‘your fucking joking me’. He then started nervous laughing and reminded me how I told him it would probably take us a while to get pregnant because id been on the pill for so long, Opps. 2-3 weeks pregnant, I wanted to wait until our 12 week scan to tell anybody so now we had to try and keep it a secret! Hardest thing ever!! I remember us going to my mum and dads for tea one night before my scan and I asked Nathan if we could tell them, I thought they would suss it out If not as I’d been feeling a bit sick and faint. So I’m sat at the tea table and said ‘You know how your both really really good parents…’ Dad then chirps up ‘OH WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW!’ (Thanks dad, really killed my flow) I then started crying and think I just about managed to get the words out ‘How do you feel about being grandparents again?’ I think we all had a little cry and then the excitement began! To tell Nathans mum and dad we wanted to wait until we were face to face so we couldn’t tell them until nearly Christmas time, after my scan. We got a card that was a Christmas card for grandparents and then put a scan picture inside. Nathans mum had completely bypassed the front of the card, then saw the scan picture and was gobsmacked! More tears - theres been a lot.

Finally we could tell the world - Best Christmas Ever!!

Robbie P was right, I’d got my fairytale after all and all my dreams had come true.

Pregnancy was pretty kind to me with a small amount of sickness. For probably the first time ever I was happy with my body and the amazing thing it was doing. It always blows my mind what a womans body is capable of doing and how it can grow a tiny human. The summer however, was not so kind! Hottest summer ever and I’m waddling around like a bloody whale. Being heavily pregnant I imagine is not very comfortable at the best of times, but its a nightmare in the summer when nothing fits. Thats actually something I have noticed that winter maternity clothes are great, summer, crap! Just an FYI for people, and I’m sure I’m speaking on behalf of any woman thats been pregnant or is currently. Do not say to them, I repeat, do not say ‘WOAH, your huge!’ ‘Your massive’ ‘Look at the size of you’ thats the point where every woman just smiles sweetly and mutters under their breath to themselves. Definitely not what you want to hear when your walking round feeling like a flump squashed into clothes.

When I’d got just 6 weeks left until due date I think Nath decided he’d try and put me into early labour to put me out of my sweaty misery. I got a call at work from my mum to say that Nathan had been in an accident and was at the hospital. I can’t explain the turmoil that goes through your mind. I just remember crying and asking if he was ok, mum didn’t say too much other than that he was going for a scan and that he was ok. I was told to drive to the hospital sensibly and not to panic…..of corse you do nothing but panic! I think I actually had a go at him when I got to the hospital, so kind and caring! Typical me. Him and mum had been arguing since late morning about who was going to ring me and tell me as neither of them wanted to do it, not like I was gonna have a breakdown or anything 😬

He’d rolled his fully loaded cement truck down a bank, completely squashed it and managed to pull himself out. To look at the photographs and from what the ambulance service had said, he was lucky to be alive, you can’t actually tell how a body could of been in the cab of the lorry, let alone got out of it. Nath had broke his back, now that sounds quite extreme but from looking at the photos I was happy that was his only problem. One good thing about it, he had to wear a back brace which people were more interested in staring at than my big bump - cheers Nath, always looking out for me.

Now after that and what happened with Ada I’m still trying to work out whether we are the luckiest or the unluckiest people in the world? Hopefully that was our bad year and we can have a break from shit for a while now please 🙏🏼 It has definitely tested us and I can't even begin to describe my stress levels throughout everything, but, It made me know 100% that if I was going to have to go through that much shit with anyone, I couldn't of picked a better person to tinder stalk. So this is kind of an appreciation post, thanks Nath for being my person, my bestie and super dad to the coolest kid out - you da bestest 🖤

#mumblog #mumbloggers #mumblogger #blog #bloggers #nicubaby

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deadcatelog · 7 years

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chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted....... i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know??

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din.

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair.

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.

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vitalmindandbody · 7 years

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Murky Copeland: dancing into biography

She was caught between her impoverished mother and the ballet mistress who offered her a way out. Aaron Hicklin gratifies Misty Copeland, the first black principal at the American Ballet Theatre

We cannot know whether Misty Copeland would have become Americas most celebrated ballet dancer if she had not met Cindy Bradley, the flame-haired teacher who first recognised and then sharpened her aptitudes, but it seems unlikely. Then again, its dubiou that Copeland would have met Bradley if not for Elizabeth Cantine, the coach-and-four of her institution drill team who counselled her to check out the free ballet class at the Boys& Girls Club of San Pedro. Nor is it clear that Copeland would have joined Cantines squad without the encouragement of her adored older sister, Erica, a drill squad hotshot. It was Erica who helped Copeland choreograph an audition piece to George Michaels I Want Your Copulation. And who, knowing her tale, can omit the Russian gymnast Nadia Comaneci from this roll call? As a seven-year-old, trying to imitate Comanecis pyrotechnics, Copeland instinctively was known that rhythmic flow came as naturally to me as breathing, to mention from her memoir, Life in Motion .

This is life, a cascading sequence of opportunity encounters and arbitrary options that influence our fates, but for a young black daughter in a working-class Los Angeles suburb, who characterises her childhood as packing, clambering, leaving often barely living, catching the right interrupts are nigh on hopeless. Yet through whatever alchemy of grit, resilience and dures, Misty Copeland, a 65 lb ragamuffin when she arrived at Bradleys class, hit the peculiars. In August 2015 she was promoted to principal dancer for the American Ballet Theatre( ABT ), the first pitch-black lady to achieve the difference in the theaters 75 -year history.

For millions of Americans, Copelands travels to the spire of her profession is an archetypal floor of triumph over misery. At the Boys& Girls Club where she practised her first ballet gradations, todays visitor is confronted with a cover demo Copeland in a forlorn hunker, forehead resting on her knees. Around her swirl texts like agony, hurt, unhappines, rigor and abandonment. Next to it is another covering in which Copeland pirouettes like a music box ballerina, music notes spiralling over her top. Nearby, a clue extol Great Future Start Here. Copeland is the girl from the wrong side of the trails who got to stand tall on pointe shoes. Im often asked if Im OK being referred to as the black ballerina, she enunciates. And I announce: I dont were of the view that something I want to change. Were still at a point where it needs to be acknowledged all the time.

Timing the course: the ballet celebrity who beat all the curious. Image: Danielle Levitt for the Observer

It is early afternoon, and in a small waiting time inside Steps on Broadway, one of New Yorks best-known dance studios, Copeland sits scrunched up on a terrace trying to talk above the blare of shrieking toddlers as they wait for a class to embark. Although they might not know it, Copeland is the acme of what those little girls dream to be, and a riposte to classical ballets long record of exclusion. Its partly her Cinderella story that has realise her a household name in a marginalised skill, but its likewise a reflection of the savvy acces she has parlayed her visibility beyond “the worlds” of ballet. She has danced for Prince( in his 2010 Welcome 2 America tour ), appeared in a 2014 commercial-grade for Under Armour that soon exited viral, interviewed President Obama and became the blanket of Time publication in 2015 the first dancer to do so since Bill T Jones in 1994. Her memoir is to be turned into a movie.

Predictably , none of that has stopped the resentful from changing her success into a question. Beings ask: Is she get this opportunity merely because shes had such a spokesperson, and because shes pitch-black, or is she good enough to get this part? reads Copeland. All of these things can mess with you psychologically and emotionally. Youd think it would get easier over meter, but for me it gets harder.

Copeland did not always realize the prejudice she was up against as patently as she does today. As an adolescent, dance was a safe conceal where she felt exclusively at home. Starting to a school in south California that was very diverse I never felt like I fitted in, she alleges. But stick me in a ballet studio surrounded by white daughters, and I was, like: Oh, I belong here. I wasnt even thinking about the color of my skin.

A cripplingly shy brat, at her happiest hiding in the wardrobe playing Solitaire or locked in the shower listening to Mariah Carey, Copeland was 13 when she discovered dance, a belated epiphany. Ballet was always an escape, she adds. It was a plaza where I felt safe, and I didnt have that in different aspects of my life growing up. I was so introverted because I felt that something could hurt me. There wasnt ever a human in our house who I trusted, or we werent always living in a lieu where I felt procure, and ballet was this one constant in my life that I could rely on.

Perpetual motion: does her life validate the idea that flair is innate? Picture: Danielle Levitt for the Observer

In many routes Copelands life is a strong validation of the notion that talent is innate. When I considered her in the gym, a tiny malnourished daughter who stood with such position and proximity, I couldnt think it is, responds Cantine. I just said: Ill take that one. Copeland is not simply became the squad, she was cleared skipper. But when Cantine recommended Bradleys ballet class, Copeland was sceptical. I was, like, Perfectly not this is as far as I go outside my convenience zone. She went to watch, simply to satisfy Cantine, dutifully reverting every day for two weeks until Bradley urged her invited to join. Copeland quickly realised shed found her residence. It was the first time I ever find beautiful, she articulates. Just to look in the reflect and to be told: Youre what a ballerina looks like.

Bradley, a former punk rocker who had enjoyed moderate success in the 1980 s with a ensemble “ve called the” Wigs, took to her new pupil instantaneously. The tendernes was mutual. Within eight weeks, Copeland had learned to dance en pointe, a skill that most young ballerinas take times to ruler. The instant of exultation is recorded in a photo that Bradley had the foresight to click: Copeland is ramrod straight on the point of her right hoof, a smile suffusing her face. Cindy was clearly a big part of my proliferation , not just as a dancer but as person or persons, tells Copeland. I had never experienced someone pressuring me to singer my views, and to contact. I started to develop skills that were so underdeveloped in me.

Copelands growing intimacy with Bradley arose at a time when life at home was getting harder. Her mom, Sylvia DeLaCerna, left one temperamental husband for another, and their own families located itself living in a motel, sharing two rooms and pooling loose change to buy food. Copeland noted her escape in ballet, but DeLaCerna annoyed the commute to class was extremely onerous, and told her daughter to discontinue. That was when Bradley influenced DeLaCerna to let Copeland move in with her, sharing a area with her two-year-old son, Wolf. Id merely been married for two years, and abruptly we had a teenage girl, and she stole our hearts, immediately, does Bradley. On Fridays, Copeland would become matzo pellet soup and ignited the Sabbath candles. It merely felt like this beautiful stuff that they shared, and I think thats what I was drawn to, Copeland supposes. When the Bradleys had a professional clas painting taken, Copeland was part of it.

Girl prodigy: in 1998, as a child dancer. Picture: Kevin Karzin/ AP

Its not difficult to see how this would begin to grate on Copelands mother and siblings, who began describing their sister as indoctrinated. When those distress lastly exploded, shortly after Copeland prevailed a prestigious gift for playing Kitri in her favourite ballet Don Quixote , the fallout was distressing and highly public. DeLaCerna decided her daughter no longer requirement the Bradleys; with a view to responding they helped Copeland to application special courts for emancipation from her parents. DeLaCerna campaigned back, assuring the famous civil rights lawyer, Gloria Allred. Eventually, Copeland plummeted her application, but the damage was persist. It was very traumatic having so much of my life disclosed for everyone to see, she alleges. It took 10 years before I could talk about it without weeping. It was no easier for Bradley. It was a huge void that never healed, she alleges. I had so many things to say to her. The two has not been able to speak for 15 years.

In May, Copeland will play Kitri again, but this time in a make for the ABT. Its the responsibilities of a lifetime, one she has dreamed about since seeing her idol, Paloma Herrera, play it in 1996. But Copeland is 34 now, and her outing has been arduous. In 2012, eras after her critically lauded debut in the title role of Stravinskys Firebird , she detected six stress fractures in her tibia. It would take seven months of physical care before she could return to the stage. Last year, she ultimately got to reprise her Firebird act, one of various lead roles she took on within the framework of the ABTs springtime/ summertime season, including Odette in Swan Lake . She also married her long-time beau Olu Evans. Her promotion to principal dancer may be a vindication of her hard work, but she knows a dancers busines is suddenly. A couple of weeks after I was promoted to principal dancer was the first time I seemed: This is the beginning of the end, she pronounces. I was promoted at a very late age for a dancer, so my vocation as a principal will definitely be shorter than most. She imagines for a moment. The frightening occasion is what will fill that vacant. She titters. My poverty-stricken husband.

We live in an epoch, to repeat dance critic Madison Mainwaring in The Atlantic , when Kim Kardashians selfies get even more serious coverage than dancers who have dedicated their lives to their figure. Copeland might be the exception that substantiates the rule, but the vitality of classical dance in America travels on the footpath shes firing. At a era of raised consciousness around black identity, her narration has pulled new audiences to classical dance. Is it enough? The ballet world-wide is perpetually speak about how we need more revelation, to deliver more beings in, but they dont want to change anything about it, Copeland alleges, with aggravation. It doesnt piece that behavior, something has to change and evolve.

Ruffling featherings: as Odette in Swan Lake in 2015 for the Washington Ballet. Image: Theo Kossenas Photography

Its a bright blue morning in San Pedro, and the city brightens after weeks of abnormally high rainfall. In her pitch-black Volkswagen Beetle, Bradley is pointing out the landmarks of Copelands youth. Did you experience the mansion? she expects, pointing to a plaque that speaks Misty Copeland Square at an intersection contiguous to the San Pedro Ballet School, a former bakery that Bradley and her husband, Patrick, bought in 1998. The plaque was unveiled just before Christmas in 2015, and if you Google footage of the opening ceremony, you will see a visibly moved Copeland thanking the Bradleys for “re giving me” a footpath and programme to change not only “peoples lives”, but so many little brown girlfriends lives.

Bradley drives me to her former condo, near a bank overlooking the ocean. In her memoir, Copeland recollects it reeking of cinnamon and the high seas. We sit in the car for a while, and Bradley tells legends of Copeland helping to potty-train Wolf, dancing with him, has become a sister. It seems like yesterday, she exhales. I knew it wasnt going to end well from the beginning. It was marvelous, but very scary, feeling that every minute was going to be our last. She delays. But it worked out OK.

Our tour goals where the storey “re starting” the Boys& Girls Club of San Pedro. Inside the gymnasium, Bradley expresses the lines of benches. She wasnt just watching casually she was absorbing while she was sitting there, she announces, summon the likenes. She didnt move, she watched intently for a few weeks and prevented mentioning No , no , no, until eventually she stepped on to the storey. She was a skinny, scrawny brown girl with pretty hair.

Joyous duet: with long-time beau Olu Evans, who she wedded last year. Image: Evan Agostini/ Invision

Ever since Bradley could dance, she has is intended to school. I precisely thoughts: Everybody needs to know this, she does. In Copeland she found her first geniu. I stroked her foot and thats when the supernatural happened, she suggests, lost in a private daydreaming. Ive never been able to describe it before, but I knew she was special. Blinking back rends, she shakes her manager in surprise. She hadnt danced! she does. It was an angels singing time. That very same day, Bradley offered Copeland a scholarship, sending a document residence to her mother.

We walk back through the organization, past the twinned posters of Misty Copeland in despair and jubilation, the reserve table, the vending machine giving frozen return forbids, the spray-painted representation of the supremacy fist. And as we emerge into the sunlight, Bradley regains her calmnes. I have actually exactly noted my second prodigy Enrique. She pulls out her telephone. Ill prove you a illustration. Like Copeland, Enrique started late( at 16 ), and like Copeland, he is beset by challenges, most having to do with being a Latino man in a macrocosm still defined as white-hot and female. Its the first Ive talked about him, because I learned the first time you should not talk about them too much, does Bradley. She laughs, before including: Until youre ready to lose them. We both peer at the photo. This is a while ago, so hes most spectacular now, she supposes, lighting. Hes got it all.

Hair and Make-up by Bank exploiting Pacifica at Factory Downtown; Producer Stephanie Porto; Digital Tech Jordan Zuppa; Igniting perry foyer and JP Herrera; Set design Chris Stone; place Steps on Broadway, NYC

Life in Motio n by Misty Copeland issued by Sphere, 9.99. Prescribe it for 8.49 at bookshop.theguardian.com