#less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt

[pepprs]

ok so. today i am going to

fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3

ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3

check into a hotel by myself for the first time

walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today

give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes

#purrs #conference tag #chicago #im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o #if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been #other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel #less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt #like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself #if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely #anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared. #like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell #myself that i make it so. #trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED! #i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something. #obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen #to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie #i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have #been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha #i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before #like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i #genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still