#lets all rant about how fucked up the world is for 5 hrs straight

[ardentlytrans]

I am moving tomorrow-Wednesday pls send me. Any nice things family + physical stress if gonna be A Lot

#rory talks #today was already so exhausting #dinner was just. x horrible thing in the world oh i know y is from there #<fanily friend> is sick #<other family friend is sick> #<x horrible thing happened to someone> #<oh this other horrible thing happening in the world. [family is from there] #and when it wasnt that it was #remember this trauma ? #remember this happy memory heres why it was actually sad #lets all rant about how fucked up the world is for 5 hrs straight #it wasnt like. bad it was just. four lesbians and their trans kid/nibling trying to cope w the reality of what were livig through #its good to be like on the same page as people but god. its a bad page

[inyournightmares97]

Ultimatum (Part 3)

Park Jinyoung is a master negotiator. He’s used to preying on people’s weaknesses and manipulating them to get his way. So he can’t understand you; a lawyer who sees the world in black and white, as either good or bad. Conflict is inevitable.

But if the two of you can just set aside your differences, perhaps you can perform miracles together.

Word Count: 4k+

Warnings: Angst, office!au, enemies to lovers!au. Some language.

Part 1: In Which You Win

Part 2: In Which He Wins

Part 3: In Which the Common Enemy Appears 

Part 4: In Which You Work Together

Part 5: In Which Nobody Wins (coming soon)

Part 6: In Which Everybody Wins (coming soon)

"Sorry I'm late," you apologized, hurrying towards the desk where your co-workers were sitting. They both looked grim. "I got a call from my mother’s care home so I had to drop by to visit before work. Have you been waiting long?"

Yugyeom bit his lip. "It's… it's not that."

"Huh?"

"There’s an email from HR. I think you got it too. You should take a look, it's not good news."

Suddenly recognizing how ominous the atmosphere was, you started up your laptop. There was an email from HR with the subject heading Transfers to New Busan Office. Heartbeat thudding, you clicked on the email. It was a polite, friendly note to inform everyone that the entire Legal, Sales and Marketing departments would be shifting to the new Busan office, and that individual transfer orders would be sent across soon. 

"What the fuck?" you demanded. 

"It's not true, is it? Are they really going to make us move to Busan?" Youngjae asked. He tapped his fingers on the table nervously. "My wife is giving birth in 2 months, I don't want to move a heavily pregnant woman across the country. We were counting on my mother-in-law's help with the baby. But there's no way she'll move to Busan."

Yugyeom nodded miserably. "I don't want to go there either. I just bought a flat here last month. I took out a mortgage!"

You shook your head in disbelief. "This can't be right. I thought they were hiring new folk for the Busan office. I saw the recruitment files myself! Why do they want to send half the existing departments there? I'm going to have a word with HR-"

"There's no use," Yugyeom cut you off. "I already asked some people from HR. They said there's nothing they can do, because the orders came directly from the CEO."

You frowned. "That bastard."

"Will you talk to him?"

"Of course I'll talk to him," you replied. You slammed your laptop shut and stood up. "I'll go talk to him right now."

------------------------------------------------------------

"Sorry, the CEO is speaking to someone right now," the secretary told you patiently. 

"Yes, but it's urgent-"

"Ma'am, it doesn't matter how urgent it is, I can't let you barge into his office while he's already talking to someone! Please understand the situation and be patient. I'm sure Mr. Park will be out in a few minutes."

You groaned audibly. "He's talking to Jinyoung?"

"Yes."

Fantastic. That slimy little creature was probably making everything worse. You suddenly remembered that the email had also mentioned the Sales department shifting to Busan. It struck you that Jinyoung was in there right now, sucking up to the CEO and being the selfish, arrogant bastard he had always been. 

Park Jinyoung never did anything for anyone else's benefit. 

He could screw up the company's deals all he wanted, but there was no way you were going to let him screw up your life. 

"Good morning," you greeted the CEO politely as you barged into his office. The secretary yelled after you, scandalized, but you ignored her. "I'm here to talk about the email I received about some departments shifting to Busan?"

Jinyoung was seated in front of the CEO's desk. His dark eyes twinkled as he turned in his chair to face you. 

"We were just discussing that," he remarked. 

"Excellent, then you won't mind if I join," you cut in. You sat down beside Jinyoung and turned to face the CEO. The young negotiator’s gaze was fixed on you but you refused to look at him. Jinyoung’s despicable face would only make you lose your temper. 

"This is a little surprising," the CEO commented with a raised eyebrow. "But I assume you have something to say?"

"I do, actually," you replied. There was no smile on your face. "I thought I should save you some time. Our employment contracts don't contain mobility clauses. We never consented to the possibility of being asked to shift to a different city for work. I could explain the law to you in depth, but in short the conclusion remains the same. The company cannot legally force any of us to go to Busan."

The CEO blinked. "You're right. I can't force any of you to move."

"So then you agree that-"

"You always have the option of leaving the company.”

You flinched. You hadn’t imagined that the CEO would say something like that to your face but he was looking you right in the eyes and telling you that he would fire you for refusing to move. You didn’t know how to respond. 

“But-you can’t fire us without justified reason-”

“I’m not firing you. I’m offering you a job in Busan. If you don’t want to take it then you can always go seek employment elsewhere,” he replied calmly.

“That amounts to constructive dismissal, it’s illegal!” you replied hotly. You had hoped to keep your temper under control but the CEO was being absurd. How could he flip a switch overnight and decide that everybody had to either go to Busan or quit? “You realize that I could easily challenge a dismissal like that in a court of law?”

The CEO raised an eyebrow. “Again, it’s not a dismissal. I’m offering you employment in Busan.”

“How exactly do you plan to handle the fallout of entire departments quitting-”

“I don’t think that’s your concern. If you don’t want to go to Busan, then you’re free to hand in your resignation. We can even negotiate a severance package,” the CEO replied shortly. He placed his hands on his desk and stood up. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a Board meeting to attend. If you want to discuss this further you’ll have to make an appointment with my secretary.”

You watched in silent shock when the CEO stood up and walked out of his office. Your heart sank. This was more serious than you had thought. The CEO wasn’t the sort of person to make empty threats. What were you going to do? 

Park Jinyoung cleared his throat. 

“Well, good job fucking that up,” he commented. 

Your head whipped around to face him. “Excuse me?”

“Do you always barge headfirst into situations without even thinking about it? What made you think it was a good idea to talk to the CEO like that?” Jinyoung demanded. You could hear the irritation in his tone. “You ruined the entire mood by making him hostile. You should have left it to me. I was handling it.”

“Handling it? You?” you demanded. 

“Yes. At least I’m not idiot enough to barge in and pick a fight with the man who employs me,” Jinyoung retorted. He folded his arms across his chest while his dark eyes scanned you with displeasure. “Have you ever heard of power dynamics? Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Even a dog knows that.” 

“I’m not a dog,” you snapped. 

“That’s not what-”

“What the CEO is doing isn’t legal. If you’re saying I should smile and fawn and flatter a man that is trying to fuck with my employment contract illegally, then I’m sorry. I’m not in the habit of having negotiations with people who can’t respect the law. That’s not power dynamics. That’s sycophancy.”

Jinyoung sighed. “God, you’re impossible. Don’t you have any understanding of how the world works? How can you see everything in black and white?”

“Go to hell, Park.”

“Nope. You don’t get to be mad at me. I was trying to convince the CEO not to issue transfer orders but you barged in and fucked it up by making him mad. That’s on you. So don’t pull the moral superiority card on me today. That won’t work. I was doing my part.”

You blinked at him. “I don’t trust you.”

Jinyoung sighed. “Understandable. But-”

“I think you’re a selfish piece of shit that has no concern for anyone around him. You can suck the CEOs dick all you want, Jinyoung. Don’t expect me to believe you’re doing it for us,” you snapped.

Jinyoung stared at you in surprise. He hadn’t expected to hear you using such crude language, but your flushed face and trembling hands made it clear that you weren’t thinking straight. You were distressed and somehow, Jinyoung didn’t want to aggravate you further. He took a deep breath and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. 

“Fine,” he surrendered calmly. “You use your methods and I’ll use mine.”

“Fine.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

“The CEO really said that? He said we could either go to Busan or quit?”

You nodded. You were too angry to speak. The more you thought about the encounter, the more furious it made you. You had been working at this company for 3 years. You had given so much of your time, effort and dedication to doing your job perfectly and this was the gratitude you received? Being asked to either shift halfway across the country or quit? 

“Yeah. He said it.”

“What are we going to do?” Yugyeom cried. 

“We’re going to show him he can’t violate our employment contracts like this. I won’t stand for it. I refuse to go to Busan and that’s a hill I’m willing to die on,” you ranted as you rummaged through your textbooks. You had some research to do. You were flipping through volumes on labobur laws frantically when Yugyeom spoke. 

“Is it… is it because of your mom?” he asked quietly. 

You hesitated. You didn’t speak about your personal life much at work, but perhaps Yugyeom had picked up a few things from random tidbits you dropped. 

“Uh, yeah. She’s at a medical facility for the elderly right now. I can’t leave her here and move to a different city. I also don’t think her health could withstand the move. If it comes down to it, then I’ll have to quit and look for a new job. Busan isn’t an option for me,” you mumbled. 

Yugyeom bit his lip. “But it won’t come down to it, right?”

“It will unless you pick up that book and get reading. Find me everything you can on constructive dismissal,” you ordered him sharply. “Where’s Youngjae?”

“He went to talk to Sales and Marketing to find out what’s going on.”

“Well, call him and tell him to hurry back. We have jobs to save.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“It seems like a mixed bag at this point,” Jackson observed as he sipped his coffee. The cafeteria was quiet, and the atmosphere of the office had been grim all day. Nobody wanted to talk. “I think half of Sales will quit to look for other jobs in the city. The rest will just suck it up and move to Busan. It’s going to be a messy situation either way.”

“But nobody wants to go,” Youngjae pointed out.

“Of course nobody wants to go.” Jackson pressed his fingers to his temples. “Hopefully Jinyoung will find some solution. He usually works something out.”

“Is he considering quitting too?” 

“Jinyoung? No way. He’s upset because a lot of his clients are here, and he would have to start from scratch to build contacts in Busan,” Jackson explained. “But he just received a promotion. He’s due to get an enormous bonus from the company at the end of the year because of the deal he secured. The guy has made amazing progress in this company. Jinyoung would be an idiot to quit. He needs this company as much as it needs him.”

“Then why are you trusting him to fight for you?”

“I know he doesn’t give Legal an easy time, but Jinyoung is an awesome guy to have on your side. He knows how to manipulate people and he knows the CEO well,” Jackson explained. “He’ll find a solution. I just hope he does it in time. Otherwise, the transfer orders will be sent out and people will scramble. This affects all of us so we need to stick together.”

“That’s what bothers me,” Youngjae admitted. 

“What?”

“How fragmented we are. The CEO knows that half of us will stay and half will leave. We don’t have any coordination amongst ourselves. He’s probably counting on us being a mess,” Youngjae pointed out. “We would have a better chance if we presented a united front.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Think about it. The Sales department has the most skilled negotiator this company has ever seen. Legal has a brilliant lawyer that has saved this company from going through huge lawsuits multiple times because she never gives up. Don’t you think these two people should pool their skills and work together?”

“You want them to join forces?” Jackson wondered. 

“Both departments want the same thing. We might be able to come up with a better solution if they at least talked about what to do,” Youngjae insisted. 

“That would work fine if they didn’t hate each other.”

“Don’t you think they’re reasonable adults who can put aside their personal differences for the benefit of themselves and their co-workers?” 

Jackson laughed. 

“No. But maybe we can talk them into it.”

“Oh?”

“I’m not a bad negotiator myself, you know.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"Youngjae wants us to come to Conference Room 9," Yugyeom told you. Your head was buried in a book on labour law judgements and you barely heard his voice. 

"Hmmm. 5 minutes."

"He says it's urgent."

"Huh?" you asked absent-mindedly. 

"Youngjae wants us to come to Conference Room 9, he has something to show us. He says it’s urgent. Are you coming?” Yugyeom repeated. The younger man was staring at you and something clicked in your brain as you finally paid attention to what his words. 

“Oh! Youngjae, right. Sorry. Did he find something useful?”

“I don’t know. Let’s go see.”

“He better not be wasting our time,” you muttered, as you closed the book and followed Yugyeom towards the conference rooms. There was no knowing when the CEO would send the transfer orders out. You wanted to be ready with a full report about how they were unsustainable in law before that. It required intensive research, and you had to juggle it with your normal work. 

“Is it this one?” Yugyeom wondered as he reached a conference room with a plaque that had the number 9 on it. He opened the door and gestured for you to enter first. Since when did Yugyeom have such manners? You walked in, but the moment your eyes adjusted to the dim light you froze. 

The entire Sales team was sitting here. 

The door closed behind you. 

“What is going on?” you demanded. Youngjae was standing in a corner and he gave you a sheepish smile that you did not return. Park Jinyoung was also present. Dressed in a classy light blue button down shirt, he leaned back in his swirly chair and gave you a bored look. 

Yugyeom nudged you towards the seat across from Jinyoung. 

“Sit down, we have something to say.”

You frowned. “About what?”

“About how we intend to fight the transfers to Busan. Jackson and Youngjae have an idea. They think that since it affects all of us equally, we should work together and make a joint representation to the CEO.”

You couldn’t believe this. They wanted to work with Sales? You couldn’t even start to list all the reasons why that was a terrible idea. You opened your mouth to protest but before you could, Jackson stood up and moved to the front of the conference room. You were pushed down into the chair by Yugyeom. 

“Ladies and gentlemen. Allow me to begin my presentation,” Jackson announced grandly. 

The lights dimmed. The projector overhead flickered on, and displayed an old version of a world map, with the United Kingdom highlighted in red. 

Jackson cleared his throat. “Today, I’m going to be talking about this little country. But it wasn’t always a little country. It used to be the head of the British Empire. The largest Empire in history that lasted for over a century. This tiny little country took over at least one quarter of the world-”

You felt bewildered and furious. 

“What the fuck is going on?”

Jackson made a shushing gesture at you and your face turned red. You could hear Jinyoung chuckling. 

“But the British had a strategy. They didn’t take over these countries randomly. Their strategy was to divide and rule. Let me elaborate. They identified ethnic and religious differences between the people and divided them into smaller groups that were less powerful than the whole. Then, when the British tried to rule, the smaller groups would be too busy fighting amongst themselves to care about what the British were doing. Which is, basically stealing their land and resources and taking over the country.”

“I think we get the point,” Youngjae muttered. He had noticed the irritation on your face. “Can we wrap up now, Jackson?”

Jackson pouted. “But the best part is still- okay, fine. Basically, the only way to drive the colonial British out was for the different ethnic groups to unite and to combine their strength against their common enemy; the British Raj.”

“Right. So-” Jackson pressed a button and the screen on the projector changed. There was now a picture of the company’s organizational hierarchy. Over the CEO’s bubble had been pasted the words British Raj. “As you can see here, the analogy I’m trying to draw. The CEO is our British Raj. Sales are Legal are two different ethnic groups in the same country. The only way we can fight the British Raj is if we unite and join forces, not if we continue to fight each other. And there I end my presentation. Thank you.”

The lights flickered back on, Jackson took a pleased bow and then took a seat. 

Yugyeom looked at you. “What do you think?”

“What do I think?” you demanded. “I think you’re behaving like children and this is a colossal waste of time. Did you just give me a history lesson in order to teach me about teamwork? This is insane. Your jobs must be a joke to you. Unfortunately, I take my life and my work very seriously, so do me a favour and don’t invite me to your playtime sessions.”

Jackson blinked. “But-”

Jinyoung cut him off coolly. “I thought it was a very informative presentation, Jackson. 9 out of 10, although the map ideally should have highlighted all the British colonies and not just England.”

“Thanks, Jinyoung.”

You stared at them. “Unbelievable.”

Jinyoung turned in his chair to face you. His arms were folded across his chest coolly. “Let's get down to the point. Forget the British Raj. I think they've identified a problem that deserves to be addressed. That problem is, you and I keep getting in each other’s way.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s true, don’t deny it. I was in the middle of a negotiation with the CEO this morning. It was going fine until you barged in and argued with him. Calm down,” Jinyoung raised a hand to silence you as you opened your mouth to defend yourself. “I’m not trying to blame you. That’s not the point. The next time you make a representation, it’s likely that I’ll accidentally do something to mess it up. This is because we lack coordination even though we want the same thing.”

Yugyeom turned to you with big, hopeful eyes. “He’s right. Both of you doing your own thing could be disastrous. The CEO will just ignore us, because we’re a mess. But if we pool our resources together then we might be able to scare him. Can we set aside our personal feelings this once?”

You stared at them. Both Yugyeom and Youngjae were looking at you hopefully and you felt weak. You wanted to reassure them that you could save their jobs without the help of Sales, but you suddenly weren’t sure anymore. Park Jinyoung, whatever else he might be, was definitely smart.

That didn’t mean the plan would work, though. 

“Look. I’m an adult. I can set aside my personal feelings, but that’s not even the issue. Our methods are too different,” you pointed out to Jinyoung. “We’ll waste time fighting about what to do. You’ll want to negotiate nicely and persuade the CEO, while I’m prepared to show him the law and insist he follow it or face the consequences.”

Jinyoung bit his lip. “I get that. We have our differences.”

“Exactly. We’ll never agree on a strategy.”

Jinyoung suddenly looked up and his eyes gleamed. You could almost see the lightbulb ping on top of his head. 

“What if… what if our different strategies are our strategy?”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were growing tired of the Sales department’s obsession with giving pointless presentations.

The lights had dimmed and the projector was back on again. This time, Park Jinyoung was standing in front of it. He had run out of the conference room suddenly after his declaration, shocking everyone. He was back in two minutes with his laptop and he hooked it up to the projector before turning to face the room with a smug smile. 

“Guess what? I have just found the one and only negotiation strategy that will work. It’s a classic, and it’s the only strategy that is based entirely on disagreement,” he explained eagerly. “I gave a seminar on this to the Sales team a couple months ago, remember?”

Jackson’s eyes widened. “Wait, do you mean-”

“Yup.” Jinyoung pressed a button and the presentation began. “The Good Cop, Bad Cop Strategy.”

You frowned and peeked at the laptop. The presentation contained 45 slides. Oh dear god. If Park Jinyoung tried to go through all of them right now then you were going to deck him in the face. You were short enough on time already. 

“How about we skip past all the analogies and the introductions and you just give us a brief summary of how this works?” you suggested through clenched teeth. You glanced at your watch. “You have my attention for… 3 minutes.”

“That’s enough,” Jinyoung promised confidently. He pressed a button to change the slide. “The Good Cop, Bad Cop strategy is simple. This strategy is rooted in the fact that the Good Cop and the Bad Cop never agree.”

“Hmm.”

“The role of the Bad Cop,” Jinyoung gestured towards you with a handsome smile and you glared at him, “is simple. Bad Cop takes an extreme stand. She threatens terrible consequences and refuses to negotiate. She basically sets the tone for a worst-case scenario. No matter what the other person says, Bad Cop refuses to show the slightest hint of mercy.”

You blinked. That sounded like you. 

“Now, we come to Good Cop,” Jinyoung gestured towards himself with a proud smile. “He’s the one who makes more reasonable demands. Good Cop is the nice guy. He pretends to be on the criminal’s side. Everything Good Cop says looks really nice and generous in contrast to what Bad Cop says. Usually criminals are so terrified by Bad Cop that they give in to whatever demands Good Cop has. But in reality, Good Cop and Bad Cop are working together. They both agree on what they want beforehand. But by splitting the roles and taking extreme stands, they can confuse the criminal.”

You took a deep breath. “So If I understand you correctly…”

“You will threaten to sue,” Jinyoung explained. His dark eyes shone with excitement. “Do what you do best. Gather all the material you can find about the company’s violations of our employment contracts, and threaten the CEO that you’re about to drown the company in a messy, ugly lawsuit.”

“That’s risky. We don’t have the resources to follow through on that. I don’t have enough money to sue the company and I’m sure none of you do either. It’ll be a bald-faced lie. The CEO might tell me to go file a lawsuit if I dare. I might have to return empty-handed.”

“You might, if I wasn’t there to diffuse the situation before he gets angry. I’ll offer the CEO a more attractive option. I’ll tell him that he doesn’t have to deal with the headache and the bad PR that will come out of a lawsuit. He can simply let us stay in this office. If the Busan transfer is an attempt at cost-cutting, like I think it is, then we’ll all voluntarily forgo our bonuses this year. We’ll find other ways to cut costs. What do you think?”

You took a deep breath. “Okay.”

Jinyoung grinned. “Okay?”

“Okay,” you admitted reluctantly. “I think this might just work. Let’s do this.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

#got7 #got7 scenarios #park jinyoung #got7 jinyoung #jinyoung scenario #jinyoung angst #jinyoung fluff #got7 angst #got7 fluff #got7 fanfiction #got7 office!au #jinyoung

[eponymous-rose]

This isn’t a post I really wanted to make, and I feel kind of shitty making it because parts of it aren’t my story to tell, but not talking about it isn’t working, so hey. Weirdly comforting internet void, please don’t reblog this. 

There’s discussion of mental illness below, but not (directly) firsthand. This is mainly discussion of the impact mental illness is having on my family. Please avoid this post if this is a topic that is likely to cause you pain or discomfort. I think I just need to have it out there.

About a year ago, my brother was diagnosed with Bipolar I. His seeking out a diagnosis was the direct result of the way his mental health was horrifically mismanaged when he lived in the US in his late teens: he was misdiagnosed as schizophrenic and, a few months later, a pharmacy error cut him off anti-psychotics cold turkey. It was absolutely horrible, and he wound up leaving school and moving back in with my parents for a time just to recover. That diagnosis was still on file for him almost a decade later, but recently his job finally had decent enough benefits that he could afford to go in for a barrage of psychiatric testing to rule things out. Bipolar I wound up being the diagnosis that fit.

And I think, for him, there was a sense of relief that came from that initial diagnosis, because a lot of things started to fit. Our immediate family is very close and very loving, but also almost comically controlled and disciplined and logical and isolated. As a kid, he would frequently spiral over something small (I clearly remember being baffled by the fact that my teenage brother would still have full-on tantrums), and my parents and I would just be staring wide-eyed in silence because strong emotion??? what do????? He was comforted and loved, and outright tells us all the time that he loves us and feels really lucky to have had such a supportive family, but I can’t help feeling like we were just... overwhelmed by inertia and kept thinking “this is probably healthier and more normal than the way we repress our emotions”.

I suspected depression was always there, and I’d reached out to him a little about that based on my own experiences, but mania hadn’t even occurred to me, even when he was sending us e-mails at 5 AM about the new opera he stayed up all night writing. It’s incredible what starts to feel like normal when you’re in denial like that.

Regardless, that’s where we were last year: he called us up when I was visiting my parents and we chatted for about an hour about what we all knew about this illness and how he’d be going forward. We all assured him that we loved him a lot and were here for him in whatever way he needed us.

And then, in typical us fashion, we repressed it. My dad yelled at a server out of nowhere for bringing the wrong drink that afternoon; this is the most empathetic man I know, who’s raised his voice maybe three times in my life that I can remember (he called the server over afterwards to apologize and tipped hugely for having to put up with him). My mom’s anxiety spiked. I stopped sleeping well. It took us a few months to realize we were all struggling because we were so worried.

My brother tried a few different meds, none of which had a really strong impact. We all got together for the holidays, and when he arrived, he was furious in a way that felt familiar, like back in high school when he’d be so angry it was like he wasn’t fully in control of his body, wasn’t hearing the things he was saying. It was weirdly a bit of a relief, because I realized then how much he must have been putting on an act before: after high school, he’d always been extremely quiet and positive every single time I talked to him (always for short visits with big chunks in between). He was finally comfortable not being perfect around us. 

The precipitating factor for this particular blow-up was one of his coworkers e-mailing him and asking for one more article even though he was on holidays: dick move, sure, but in no way deserving of flinging his luggage around and teary-voiced ranting at the restaurant we took him to for dinner. We made sure he knew he was being heard and understood, and we sympathized with him, and we set up an hour that evening so he could just sit quietly in his room and work out how he was going to reply to the e-mail. And then things were fine again. He told us stories about how great that same coworker was the next day.

My parents stayed at an airbnb, mainly because my place is a little small for four, and he and I stayed here and just had a wonderful time. I realized how much I’d built things up in my head in a worrying way: this was still my brother, who I love very much, who’s sensitive and feels things deeply and sometimes gets upset, but I knew how to talk to him and I hope I could help him feel better; he certainly helped me feel better. We watched old cartoons and played NBA on the Switch and got milkshakes and ordered in pad thai and had a fantastic time just chilling and talking about whatever crossed our minds. I never once felt nervous or weird around him in the three weeks we were here, and I very clearly remember thinking, “Hey, future self, remember how natural this felt next time you’re catastrophizing: this is one of the few people in the world you’d happily have as a roommate.” We get along so, so well, and some of the new initial tension between him and my parents (that awkward combination of “well-meaning” and “absolutely out of their depths” made for a couple of baffled moments before they hit their stride) just never bled through to our friendship.

It came out during that trip that he’d accrued some pretty hefty credit card debt (overspending being an extremely common thing when you’re in a manic phase... and also in your twenties living alone in a big city when a big chunk of your job involves socializing every night); my parents very calmly and supportively told him they’d help him pay it off on the condition that he cut up those cards and take a serious look at the gaps in his budget. He was more embarrassed than anything, but my mom’s no-nonsense, logical attitude broke through and soon they were happily sitting down and setting up a budget.

He went back home, and things started getting worse. His landlord was an asshole who wouldn’t let him and his roommate control the heating and insisted on controlling it from off-site, so he’d come home to a sweltering apartment every night and couldn’t sleep. He took a sleeping pill to help him get some rest, and that triggered a major depressive episode. Through a series of accidental events (mainly getting stuck on hold with a crisis line for 45 minutes and calling 911 out of desperation), he wound up getting picked up by the cops one night and brought to a mental hospital, which he said wasn’t his intention, but he was glad it happened in the long run (the hospital, not the cops, obvs).

He was only there for one night, after which point they set him up with a social worker and amazing outpatient care, including psychiatrist visits every week and a new set of mood stabilizing meds, and I cannot stress enough that this would have been a much shorter story if he’d lived in the US. With my parents’ help, he wrote a letter to his landlord threatening to go to the city if he didn’t fix the heating situation, and his landlord caved (thank goodness, because there’s no way he’d be able to pay rent anywhere else in that city). Things stabilized, a little.

Now, though, it looks like he may lose his job. He disclosed his illness right after the diagnosis, and after some initial missteps, they started putting in effort to work with him on it---in my brother’s e-mails to us, the HR person went from an obnoxious jerk to a determined ally, if only to avoid liability issues. But on his new meds, while he feels great in the mornings, he’s exhausted by the afternoon, and he often has minor depressive episodes in the evenings, so clearly the dose isn’t right yet. He’s up to missing a couple days of work a week, and they’re clearly trying to lean on him to switch to contract work so they can let him go without running afoul of legal protections. It doesn’t help that what started as a wide-open, exciting startup (he still says the first eight months were his dream job) has turned into an ad revenue-grabbing mechanism where all his colleagues are white homophobic tech bros who ignore him at best and resent his “special treatment” at worst.

A lot of his friends happened to move away around the time of his diagnosis as well, and now a lot of his remaining friends are distancing themselves. A common factor in his last few jobs toward the end was people telling him, “You just looked miserable all the time,” and it sounds like it’s starting to impact his personal relationships. His time online is spent in the deepest of “cancel culture” discussion, where being mostly good but fucking up once is almost more reprehensible than being wholly awful (he quit Facebook for a while, but wound up reopening his account to let people know about his hospitalization... and now he’s just back there again). He and his boyfriend broke up. His friend who initially suggested he apply for this job now ignores him at work.

It’s that awful combo of “people are being assholes about my illness” and “my illness makes it hard to believe that someone who initially reacts poorly will ever come around, so I’d better shove them away first”.

My parents are understandably so worried for him. They’re going out to visit him for three weeks starting tomorrow, staying at an airbnb nearby and occupying themselves with their own retirement pursuits so he can come visit if he likes, or ignore them if he needs space. They’ve told him that, if he’d like, he’s welcome to come stay with them for a few months (they live on the other side of the country); they’ll cover his half of the rent while he’s gone, and he’ll have a bit of an opportunity to just heal, considering he went straight back to work the day after his hospitalization. They’ll also help him strategize about whether he wants to switch to part-time on his current job and see about picking something else up. I suggested they bring up the possibility of going back for a master’s---I know it’s an absolute minefield for mental health, but in his particular case, a flexible schedule plus project-based creative work with specific deadlines has always been a pretty good fit, and he excels academically.

They’re also preparing for the possibility of moving him out to stay with them on a more permanent basis, but they obviously don’t want to disrupt his care (his current appointments are at the best mental health facilities in the country). They can’t afford to live in his city on their pension, but they’re also talking about giving up their retirement condo and buying out his roommate’s half of the rent, and just being there to help him out when he needs it. I don’t think he’d go for that unless things really deteriorated quickly, but a few months away from the city definitely sounds like what he needs.

And I’m just... so angry. I’m pissed off that so much of the stress weighing on him (and so many others!) right now comes from him being nearly 30, in debt, without a hint of a way to start saving for retirement, with these little one- or two-year gig jobs with two-hour commutes full of toxic people stretching out into eternity. I’m pissed off that this awful disease has made it so my parents probably aren’t in a place where they’re going to be able to do their big retirement trip, and they may be giving up their idyllic retired life for good. I’m angry with myself for that little burrowing resentment that, because my parents are older, I could wind up a financial, medical, and emotional caretaker for them and/or my brother at a moment’s notice, and I don’t feel ready to take all of that on. I’ll never feel ready.

(As a bonus, bipolar I has a genetic component, and now I’m thinking back to that one time I stayed up all night determined to save the world by learning all of biology in eight hours, or the time when as a grown-ass adult I started crying like a ten-year-old because I felt left out from an activity friends were doing, and I’m thinking, is this it? And then it’s not those extremes, it’s every normal human emotion that was previously muted by my own situational depression years ago. Is this it?)

I feel so, so entitled to the life we should have had as a family, and so frustrated at all these external factors that’ve brought it crashing down. More than anything, I’m scared for my little brother. I know bipolar isn’t something that magically disappears, and that things are likely to get worse, but I want those external stressors to go away and just leave him alone for half a minute so he can heal and find the right combination of meds and maybe, maybe get to think about thriving rather than just surviving. I’m so grateful to my parents for finding the right things to do and say to help him recover. And I know that, if something goes horribly wrong, I can try to fill those shoes.

I’m still losing sleep, but only every now and then. People at work occasionally comment that I don’t look so good, but that’s much rarer than a couple months ago, and the people I’ve confided in are very kind and check in on me even when things seem to be going well.

After the move this fall, I’m going to find someone to talk to professionally about this. In the meantime, just typing this all out makes me feel a bit better. I am finding better ways to cope; I had to mute him on social media because my overwhelming tendency to overthink his posts was very dangerous (turns out that famous self-deprecating millennial sense of humor is terrifying when you’re trying to work out if someone’s in danger). I have a generally positive attitude about this, and I can now usually catch myself when I’m starting to spiral. I send my brother goofy links, and he sends me funny stuff in return. I’m going for runs and eating better and playing video games and hanging out with friends... 

... and I’m genuinely very happy a majority of the time (not just content, but happy), which wasn’t true even a couple months ago.

I’m scared and angry and coming to grips with it being okay to be both of those things, as long as I’m also supportive and loving. This is my little brother. This is my family. They’re the best. 

And all we can do is take it one day at a time.

#(no reblogs yes thank you) #eponymous family tag #mental health ///

[berkeleychemlife]

Friday, May 26, 2017

NMR training was scheduled for 10 AM. I usually get in to lab at 9:30 ish (although this will soon be changing to 7:30). Sarah showed up after I arrived and told me to work up the reaction that I ran on the day before. I was slow at this most likely because I’ve only done it 3 or 4 times and I couldn’t remember the order of things and my notes were bad. Thus, I didn’t get all the way to the NMR facility until 10:05 AM. When I showed up, the guy (Matt Peacock) is like “Are you Tahoe?” and I’m like “yes that’s me I’m looking for NMR training.” Then he says condescendingly “Oh well I just wanted to let you know we don’t believe in Berkeley Time down here so when something starts at 10 AM it starts right on the dot.” 

Rant about Berkeley time (which is the 10 min grace period for classes):

Obviously, the purpose of Berkeley Time is to let students who have back to back classes get to them without missing out on any of the material. At other universities, they stop classes ten minutes before the hour for the same purpose. Although this might provide better training for students to arrive to non class related events on time. The thing that sucked about this experience, is that I was late on purpose and in real life (which I was currently in) there is an unspoken grace period of about 5 to 10 minutes. If I was 15 minutes late, I would expect to be asked if everything was okay and maybe a polite inquiry to why I was not on time. If I was half an hour late, I would expect to be lambasted about being on time. But like even then, we want to be friends with people and work together. Pulling a political move like talking down to someone about being 5 minutes late does not help smooth the situation over. Furthermore, there was only me and another visiting scholar from Spain getting training. Like why are you trying to talk down to a person you’re teaching one v one. I really wanted to speak up and say hey fuck you and your berkeley time. what does that even mean. like what the actual fuck. but I was trying to smooth it out and just was super clean, straight laced, quiet, attentive, and focused for the rest of his talk. Showed him not to condescend to people for no reason. like come on. To top it all off, the second thing he went over was the reservation system. His key point was that if you don’t show up 3 minutes after your reservation time, you lose your reservation. So in his world, his berkeley time is only 3 minutes long and I was only 2 minutes late BY HIS STANDARDS. WTH. 3 minutes is an acceptable amount of time for watches to be out of sync with each other and you wouldn’t really notice. God damn berkeley people are super fucking nerds. 

Here are my brief notes from training which was not that helpful tbh... 

Mostly because I’ve already taken ~3 hrs worth of NMR....

rga; receiver gain automatic

zg; zero go

ef=efp; entrance fourier

apk; automatic phase correction

go takes your sample

halt; stops your sample

stop; stops your experiment

lock can be used from the buttons

for AVB400 have to use atma; to tune the compter

AVQ= avance quad

AVB= avance baseline

make sure to lock on the sample when you leave

lock cdcl3;

It was good to learn that you can take a second or third spectrum by typing “go;” and it will average it with your previous one. (that’s how I got that sweet C13 on the AV-300)

After training, the lab was given a talk from an incoming post doc on computational chemistry and how to do bond stretch predictions and whatnot. Matt Francis loved it. Everyone in the back was on their phones. (which is super dumb) 

Then we went back up and I got to run my product on Big Ben (our larger column). Sarah left to lunch with the post doc, MBF, Joel, Kristin, and some others. She left Matt Smith in charge of me. This column was a mess to run, but I got good results. I had so many small fires but put them all out. Problem one: we only had like ~500 mL hexanes total. Like that’s not enough to make 2 L worth of solvent even though we had plenty of ethyl acetate. So I had to dilute from 10% to 30% and from 75% to 50% which like bent the heck out of my mind. I figured it out tho after like 20 mins of staring at the paper. Then after I got everything loaded up, I broke my pipette tip off in the top of the column. it took another 15 mins to fish it out with the long clamps and tweezers. After I had everything running, shit hit the fan. Like I was spotting and collecting fractions but like every TLC I took had this huuuuuuggggggeeee UV line at the top of the plate. I was expecting to see a non UV zone to know when to switch solvents so this was confusing. Then I checked the 30% solvent I made and there was still a line at the top. Fuck the solvent is contaminated. It smells like toluene. But fuck me. Like that was another 20 mins I wasted worrying about what the fuck the line was. Sarah comes back and I’m like “thank god you’re here.” Anyways, I pressed on!!! Switch solvents and all of my stuff eluted. After we rotovapped it down, there was like a 2 gram yield!!!!!!11 Pretty freaking awesome. Then I went to take and NMR. Fastest, cleanest, and most awesome NMR I’ve ever taken. However, analyzing it had like a shit ton of computer problems to deal with. I spent almost an hour in the computer room fucking with the printer and Mnova trying to get my spectrum to print. It was such a learning experience. I wish I was faster. But I need to keep in mind that I don’t need to worry about everything all the time. My mom told me I’m not the graduate student. I’m the undergrad and I am not required to work as hard. I just can’t stand the idea of doing a job poorly or not doing as much as I could be doing. Like why wouldn’t I work so hard???? Also, I am really afraid of being too dependant on Sarah and the other grad students. I don’t want to be annoying to them with questions that I should be able to handle myself. I’m 20 fucking years old. I can handle flipping computer problems. Maybe it’s more of a where to focus type thing. Do more of what I can’t and less of what I can. Extend my reach as far as possible. 

Next week the chemicals we ordered better come in. We need good chloroformate for our next step which is supposed to have an 80% yield. We usually get 20% which is why we made 2 grams of stuff. If we get fresh stuff, then we should be able to get a far greater yield for our product. There is only one really shitty step but it’s the second to last so we just need to carry a lot of material there. 

My goal for next week is to be in lab from 8 am to 5 or 6. I will leave everyday by 6 pm. This is how I am going to mature into an adult. I need to leave at 6 so I can eat dinner by 6:30, exercise by 7:30, and sleep by 11 pm. #goals

#berkeley chem life