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#like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad
beautifel
·
7 months
Text
i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am
#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately
#like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad
#i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic
#and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me
#the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic
#let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything
#like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing
#i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard
#the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know
#with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things
#n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case
#it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has.
#the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others
#this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate
#its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences
#its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control
#ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship
#we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people
#so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there
#ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere
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