#its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences

[beautifel]

i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately #like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad #i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic #and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me #the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic #let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything #like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing #i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard #the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know #with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things #n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case #it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has. #the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others #this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate #its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences #its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control #ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship #we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people #so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there #ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere

[popcornsalty]

*kicks down door* HELLO IN THIS ESSAY I WILL BE ONLY TALKING ABOUT RWBY OKAY ON TO THE ESSAY (all dsmp folks referenced is talking about there character) okay SO, im actually gonna start with is this life is mine (by jeff williams feat casey lee williams) because its a fantastic song for all four manipulated minors (tm), plus some other characters. so basic premise of the song: the singer is monologing to/about an unheard antagonist, talking about what the antag has done to them, how theyve made their life suck and made them feel powerless and taken their autonomy and stuff like that. this song is pretty much the singer/narrator saying no more, ive had it, im down, this is where the bullshit youve done to me ends, im my own person and you cannot take that from me anymore. hence the name, this life is mine. so, from that, you can already guess the first character id slap this song onto. our beloved protagonist, c!tommyinnit. and it works really well for him. HOWEVER i did say it works for all the manipulated minors, not just tommy; so now, im gonna actually bring out just like a little bit of the lyrics! (important thing about most of the songs ill be talking about: alot of it is designed as fight scene music, which is pretty cool, but like none of these are like super sad and slow for very long if at all. just wanted to note that) 1.{There’s a part of me that’s desperate for changes; Tired of being treated like a pawn; But there’s a part of me that stares back; From inside the mirror; Part of me that’s scared I might be wrong; That I can’t be strong} 1. this first (second stanza?) bit i like to think of as like, tommys thoughts when he was in exile and starting to realize that it was fuck and he needed to leave but was still super unsure, cause yknow, emotional abuse, innit.

2. {I’ve been afraid, never standing on my own; I let you be the keeper of my pride; Believed you when you told me I was nothing on my own; Listen when I say; I swear it here today; I will not surrender, this life is mine} 2. now this second bit (third stanza? idk) can either go to tommy OR tubbo. clingy duo russian roulette. which ones gotta dependency issues, had his power taken and abilities ridiculed? YOU DECIDED. haha, but yeah this is sorta where you can start to see what i mean that it can apply to many characters.

3. {Amazing how you conquered me; Chained me in servility and made me see; The world the way you told me to; But I was young and didn’t have a way to know the truth; Born to live your legacy; Existing just to fill your needs, a casualty Of this so-called family that you have turned into a travesty} 3. alright so, this is where i put myself on a silly little hill and swing a bat at a hornet nest: this bit can, not only be taken as tubbo talking to the ghost of the past presidents of lmanburg, tommy telling dream to go eat shit, but also tommy telling technoblade and wilbur off. yeah yeah vilburs a cringe headcanon yada yada. HOWEVER its very canon that wilbur was not the best role model for tommy, as 1. wilburs spiral after the pressure of his presidency and the election being the straw that breaks the camels back lead to him having a worsening mental state that, really, tommy shouldnt have felt responsible for trying to fix him (you cant fix him besty hes an adult, he shouldnt be relying on you in the first place, thats not healthy) AND 2 tommys statement about wilbur getting into peoples heads and making it hard to actually think about stuff and instead just going along with wilburs whims and stuff because of proverbial rose colored lenses, is kinda true. does this automatically villianize wilbur, in my opinion, no. its just something tommy realized and doesnt feel comfortable having to go through again, considering he already had all of his autonomy violently stripped from him before. and also tommy probably just not wanting to follow wilbur around again like his little loyal sheep. we should really consider the effects of exile on how tommy interacts with other characters a lot more. MOVING ON 4. this next bit can pretty much be slapped with any of the four manipulated minors, although ranboo less so, cause hes just like that.

4. {I’m not your pet, not another thing you own; I was not born guilty of your crimes; Your riches and your influence can’t hold me anymore; I won’t be possessed; Burdened by your royal test; I will not surrender, this life is mine} i shall end this one here. in my next correspondence i shall present a different song. till then!

Yo i got nothing to add except yo thats dope af and very :00 and i want to hear more. Also the analysis-like parts are *chefs kiss*

#poke post #ask #long post #feralfens