#like they didn't go with the 'we should kill the eldritch abomination we created with our own hubris' plan | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

oops-prow-did-it-again · 2 years

Text

okay so people liked the jace gushing post. it's time for another about another fave

SORIN MARKOV

[Sorin Markov]

I fucking love this guy. he's so fucking tired. he's 7000 years old. I'm almost 22 years old and I want to wither away into dust, I can't even begin to imagine. He comes from a plane called Innistrad, which is constantly trying to centrifugal force itself into obliteration. there's humans and then like 75849030 things that want to eat said humans, but if humans all die then everything else dies.

when he was a wee lad he was a human like all the other vampires but they were facing a famine and his alchemist granddad was like huh. starving to death is Not Good and I'm not finding any solutions. Clearly it is time to strike up a deal with a demon to learn the secrets of sangromancy!

(only a handful of people were able to be made into vampires though, so like. a Lot Of People still fucking died of starvation, and Sorin was one of the "lucky" ones to survive. Vampires on Innistrad have a huge "we are wealthy assholes" problem)

Except for Sorin part of his process was getting made to drink the blood of an archangel to be made into a vampire, which that thought was apparently so traumatic in and of itself that it fucking ignited his planeswalker spark and he got flung away from Innistrad

after hanging out as a new vampire and shit on Innistrad for like 1000 yaers or something he met up with Ugin and Nahiri (she's going to be important.), an elder dragon and a kor (basically think albino people. they're humans but bone white all over), to take on some eldritch abomination monsters (they are also going to be important later. Sorin has been getting bitten in the ass by his past for 6000 years.)

together this jolly trio lured three eldritch abomination monsters to this fucking bastard luckless plane called Zendikar, where they had devised a way to trap these cthulu mofos there. they did do that but Zendikar was getting fucking destroyed in the process but they were like "small price to pay for the multiverse ig" and departed with the understanding that if the eldrazi ever threatened to break free again they'd come back and help (this will be important later.)

Fast forward a few centuries and the eldrazi were like FUCK IT. WE'RE GOING TO EAT ZENDIKAR FROM THE INSIDE OUT MOTHERFUCKERS. And so they did. Nahiri went Oh Fuck and tried to send a message across the multiverse to her pals but Ugin was kinda busy being dead and Sorin didn't get the message because the Helvault on Innistrad absorbed it (wait, I'll explain what that is) and Nahiri was like Where are they Ill fucking Kill them both. starting with sorin. But first she handled the Eldrazi herself (?? girlboss moment?)

Meanwhile on Innistrad vampires were getting really stupid after some thousand years removed from humanity, and were like "lol these fucking losers. we should just eat them all whenever we want" and Sorin was like "then we'll starve. and we're back to that problem granddad was trying to avoid in the first place." and granddad was like "sorin please we have eternity to figure out a problem we're vampires" and Sorin was like (pulling out his own hair) NOT IF WE'RE STARVED, DAMMIT.

And so Sorin just was like Fuck It. And created Avacyn, an archangel, who proceeded to put all the 1084939202 things that wanted to eat humans on Innistrad in their place whenever they were overhunting. Sorin basically generated a religion to serve as a game control branch for Innistrad because vampires were Too Fucking Stupid to realize drinking all humans would starve them

But that wasn't all! Nope! Sorin also made the "Helvault!" Lmfao that's right, he made the Hell Vault! The hell vault was a silver monolith carved out of Innistrad's moon that Avacyn could put really nasty creatures in for eternal timeout if they were being too mean to humans. Go Into the Hell Timeout Corner - Avacyn

Anyway Nahiri showed up on Innistrad and was like Hey Sorin What The Fuck why didn't you pick up my CALL and Sorin was like "Nahiri, dear. I never fucking got it" and Nahiri was like "I don't like your fucking tone" and Sorin was like "how fucking dare you. I trained you. Go pester Ugin with your bullshit" (oh yeah Sorin trained Nahiri when she was new to the whole planeswalking thing). Nahiri was like "oh yeah well what if I just Kick Your Ass" and then Avacyn was like "I don't like her tone" and they fought until Sorin was like "Nahiri you need to go into timeout" and locked her in the Helvault

Sorin put the lithomancer in the big rock, yes. Also it was way more emotional than that I just wrote it in a funny way because that's how I roll here

Anyway, the Eldrazi started causing MORE problems on Zendikar AGAIN some thousand years later and Sorin was like uuuuuggghhhhh. Fine. But when he got there of course Ugin wasn't there and Nahiri wasn't bc she was still in silver rock timeout. He however did find Nissa, another planeswalker native to Zendikar, who yknow maybe had some thoughts about eldritch abominations being stored on her plane, and to make a long story short when they went to reinforce the shit keeping the eldrazi attached there Nissa actually kinda weakened it and freed them instead

Sorin was all "oh my fucking god. I hate mortals, why are you like this. I don't have any stakes here actually I'm leaving" and then he did which is such an iconic moment of his, oh my god, it's so funny and amazing to me. he really went "I am so fucking Tired of this Eldrazi shit, you really just did that, holy Shit I am so done. GOod fucking luck yall are on your own now I'm going back to my own dumpsterfire" AND THEN HE DID

(Nissa thought the Eldrazi would just leave. spoiler alert: they did not just leave)

Sorin went back to Innistrad and couldn't find Avacyn and was like Fuck,, but while he was trying to deal with that he came across Tibalt instead. Tibalt, this half-devil planeswalker man, who's like maybe a whole 20 years old and hasn't been doing jackshit as far as the stories are concerned really up to this point, just decided to be a little shit because he's a force of chaos that feeds off suffering and pain and whatever. Sorin put him in his place and then long story short Avacyn was fine sooo.... after sulking for a while Sorin was like FINE I GUESS I better do something about the Eldrazi but Im figuring out where Ugin fucking is

And thanks to some bullshit by Nicol Bolas and a certain dragon planeswalker man Sarkhan, there's actually two timelines when Sorin visits this plane named Tarkir! But the one we care about is when he showed up, found Ugin was stored in some special thing after nearly getting killed by his brother (Nicol if you didn't know), and freed him. To which Ugin thanked him by going "where the fuck is Nahiri. I don't wanna see you again without her, Sorin"

Which is so fucking funny lmao Sorin probably pissed he woke Ugin up at that point. He kinda left old-man-grumbling about how "shit was so much easier when I was younger and I only cared about Innistrad why am I here"

Only to go home and realize oops. Nahiri's out the Helvault. Oops, an eldritch abomination is corrupting everything in sight. Oops, Avacyn's gone mad. Oops oops oops

Nahiri went to Markov manor while he was gone and like put all his relatives in stone. This is really funny to me because most of Sorin's relatives fucking hate him (as do most vampires) for making Avacyn. Sorin just looking around at these stones like "......I know I'm supposed to fix this but angels above I could get used to this"

Anyway, Sorin grumbled to himself and realized he needed to be RESPONSIBLE OR SOMETHING, so he went to try to rally help from other vampires. Olivia Voldaren of the Voldaren vampire line was like "Lol yeah sure. if you kill that fucking angel of yours"

Sorin reluctantly agreed and when he found her realized she'd been driven mad by the eldritch abomination monster Nahiri had set loose on the plane. Oh and Jace and Tamiyo were there too, already attempting to take on the angel, but Sorin was the one that decided to do it instead of them

Which by the way. I know I've been writing this in a funny way but it was actually SO FUCKING SAD.

Sorin kinda viewed Avacyn as a daughter, as he sorta did Nahiri, and destroying Avacyn was so fucking traumatic for him. Real talk, Avacyn in her madness accused her downfall of being his fault, as since he was her creator, it was his fault she was capable of being maddened as she had. She literally called him Innistrad's greatest evil; he, the only person in that godsforsakened plane that had ever bothered to try to protect it from eating itself from the inside out. It was so fucking sad and I want to hug this poor man, I don't think he had ever felt more alone than he had in that moment

Now, from what I recall, I believe up til this point though Emrakul (the Eldritch abomination monster) was the one making everybody insane on Innistrad, she hadn't actually physically ARRIVED yet, and it was only after Avacyn was destroyed that Emrakul arrived, and Nahiri had kinda devised this horrific plot out of sheer spite for Sorin. For missing her call. yea

Sorin kinda realized this too and he and the vampires he had gathered went to war against Nahiri while Liliana used her zombies to protect people from getting wiped out entirely. it was a huge fucking mess augh

Nahiri eventually beat Sorin in his own manor and uh. Stuck him. stuck him in a wall. yea. Then Olivia showed up and was like "well lol looks like we lost well Im one to make the best out of a situation soooo... looks like Voldarens are the most powerful vampires in Innistrad and I'm their lord now, Sorin~! I'm taking your sword" and then she did and she left him in the wall.

Sorin will never live down being stuck in the wall. Not in universe, not in canon, not in fandom, not ever. Sorin in the wall jokes reign supreme and I stand by that

While Sorin was in a wall, the Gatewatch managed to confine Emrakul to Innistrad's moon where it would stop being a horror monster to the plane. This seemed to work except Tamiyo later revealed to Jace that uh. The spell she used to do it wasn't from her own spell scrolls. It was from Emrakul's; Jace's mental protections hadn't quite worked on her at the very end. So Emrakul's actually sealed in Innistrad's moon of its own accord. TERRIFYING. WHY

Apparently Sorin couldn't planeswalk out of the wall, also? because in a later story, Sigarda (another angel from Innistrad) claimed that he fucking. carved his way out? Chewed? Lmfao Sorin had some fucked up fangs for a while. Anyway, he got out and was drawn to Ravnica for War of the Spark of course, where AS SOON AS HE SAW Nahiri, he went for her fucking THROAT. Eventually they realized hey maybe we should care about the dragon trying to kill everyone and destroy the multiverse but lmfaooo it was not fast. Also I love that Nahiri actually didn't instigate this fight, SORIN did. Sorin jumped out of that wall andw as like WHEN I SEE NAHIRI, SHE IS CATCHING THESE HANDS. ON SIGHT.

Anyway he survived WotS, went back to Innistrad, was depressed and brooding in the Markov Manor. Olivia was scheming some stupid plot to make it nighttime always in Innistrad (certain death for everyone on the plane, since it would kill off most humans' food supplies, mean the monsters on Innistrad could run wild all the time, and just generally mean that Innistrad would eat itself to death within like a month or less), and some people from the Gatewatch + Arlinn were trying to keep that from happening, but they needed a key thing that Sorin had.

Now. Sorin's been through some shit recently. His angel daughter, he had to kill, after she accused him of being the greatest evil in his own plane. His other basically daughter, who he trained to be a planeswalker and loved dearly, turned out to be a vengeful, spiteful monster that destroyed a plane simply bc she was mad at him. Most of his relatives were still rocks, Markov manor was in shambles, and there was like. He Was Going Through It, Man

So when they showed up and were like heeeey....sorin...can we get that key

Sorin was like why should I fucking bother. Let them eat themselves to death. fuck it. I don't fucking care anymore (he did. he just was really hurting that he did, which honestly, was so heartbreaking to read. I genuinely recommend you read Midnight Hunt/Crimson Vow stories if you haven't, this poor man)

Gatewatch ofc tried to cheer him up, and someone (I can't remember if it was Chandra or Arlinn, but someone) started to say Avacyn's name, and Sorin saw fucking red. Mans drew his sword and just leapt at them before the name had even left their MOUTH. Sigarda showed up and was like heeey Sorin. Carve your way out of that wall just to be an Ass? and she managed to distract him long enough for everyone else to get the key lol

And then, Olivia stole Sorin's fucking grandfather (seriously, Olivia needs a fuckin hobby. Woman lives by tormenting Sorin. also when I say stole, I mean that literally, he was in like a deep coffin sleep and she just stole his fuckin coffin lmao) and was going to charm him to marry him so that she would unite the Markov and Voldaren bloodlines and become the most powerful vampire family ever

Also, this isn't super important but I just felt like pointing it out, Olivia has the biggest dick ever. Sorry but she wins

look at everyone admiring her. and they're correct

Anyway, Sorin because he admittedly loves his grandfather, and because his grandfather is probably the only person native to Innistrad and not a planeswalker that actually has positive things to say about him, decides to help the Gatewatch crash the evil vampire wedding buuuut. long story short, while they succeed in crashing the wedding and accidentally burning a lot of vampires to death via accidental sun exposure, granddaddy markov is still cursed by Olivia, still married to her, and. that's kinda where Crimson Vow ends

Also something funny I remember about Crimson Vow is that Olivia mockingly invited Sorin to her wedding, and Sorin showed up in the wrong colors and he was just internally all indignantly like I dress better than any of you Whelps, just because it's black/silver/gray doesn't make it LESS good and I just couldn't help but cackling. Depressed tired old vampire man is like I may be sad. I may be depressed. I may be ready to crumple over and never stand back up again. BUT I HAVE GOOD FUCKING DRIP AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

Anyway that's where Sorin was last seen as far as I remember, and godddd. I LOVE him. Sad man. sad 7000 year old vampire man. Nobody in Innistrad likes him yet without him they would have been destroyed like 45 times over by now. His own daughters turned on him. His planeswalker friends had to convince him at swordpoint that they still cared for him. they're probably genuinely terrified of him but also just like. can we get you some therapy (they say, knowing they all also need therapy)

Though also, uh. Jace knows about Emrakul being in Innistrad's moon of its own accord... and I don't think he and Tamiyo ever told anyone else... and Tamiyo kinda got got in Neon Dynasty.... and it's been a hot minute since that happened...... so if Jace ever reveals that he knows that to Sorin, I'm pretty sure Sorin is just going to lunge at him and drink him, because Sorin has Had Enough of Everyone's Shit and Jace has a supernatural tendency for Pissing People Off

Thank you for coming to my vvampire ted talk

#magic the gathering #mtg #magic: the gathering #sorin markov #sorin #markov #nahiri #long post #please. it's long but I spent so long on this #pls read if you like mtg? <3

69 notes · View notes