#like. he can say i love you and he vantbe vulnerable and scared and stupid and it feels easier when it's not words pushing past his lips

[hauntedpearl]

oh okay okay okay hear me out: dean's widower arc 2: electric boogaloo that is post-canon pre-empty rescue moments. people have talked about how he leaves cas texts and voicemails and yes that fucks so hard like!!!! can you imagine!!!!

at first it's mostly a lot of angry, helpless drunken ramblings. this is like pre 15x19, let's say when he's like alone alone. he'll be like come back, you son of a bitch! he'll be like how dare you. he'll curse and yell and cry and brokenly say, you had me, cas. we had each other. but then lucifer calls him and it's so fucked up dean can't bring himself to pull up cas' contact for a while. they beat god. they get their lives back. jack comes back to them (he must!!!). their lives are theirs again and dean's determined to look for a way to get cas back. his voicemails are now everyday updates. he tells cas about jack. about sam and eileen. about a thing he's cooking. about what research is like. he still gets drunk and says dumb shit sometimes but then he'll apologize in the next voicemail. it's like prayer but it makes him feel better that it's a tangible thing. it makes him feel like cas is actually listening. the illusion of cas' life is easier to maintain when the phone against his ear is solid and cold and grounding in a way.

when cas comes back, they figure out that cas' phone's just lying around the bunker somewhere. Dean finds it, but doesn't give it back to cas right away. they exist in this limbo where it means so much that dean spent so much time to get cas back and that he risked so much to rescue him, but all these months of pouring his heart out to a phantom still doesn't prepare him for the real thing. cas, for his part, is just happy to be back but he's also very wary and is perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop. they go on like that for a bit until it all comes to a head at some point because cas has misplaced guilt and dean has misplaced anger and it's always a bad combination and cas is like maybe i should go and dean's so mad he just stalks up to his room and brings cas ' phone to him and he's like do whatever you want. and then he goes to his room to just drops to the floor, head in his hands. cas turns on his phone and yep. all these texts and missed calls. and then the voicemails. he spends the night listening to them and then he FINALLY SEES it and goes to find Dean in the early hours of the dawn and dean's still on the floor against his bed and cas settles down next to him and they don't say anything for a bit but then cas just turns and hugs him and buries his face in dean's hair and hey look it's not everything but it's a start and they're gonna be okay. like. suddenly they're both aware that they have the rest of their lives. and like. IT'S SO. HMM. LOSING MY MIND THIS MORNING!

#HI IT'S LITERALLY 7 IN THE MORNING IS TJE REST OF THE DAY GONNA BE LIKE THIS FOR ME!!!!!!! #i am just thinking overwhelming destiel.thoughts today oh nooooo #spn headcanons #doe is talking again #destiel #like ofc i think prayer but also VOICEMAILS #ALSO LETTERS I THINK #i always think about how desn probably journalled so much in cas' absence #mostly out of habit but also like. it's ONE WAY HE CSN BE HIMSELF RIGHT #like. he can say i love you and he vantbe vulnerable and scared and stupid and it feels easier when it's not words pushing past his lips #he probably also sketches cas all the time. these doodles that he will then stare at when cas is dead because he didn't think to take #enough pictures before #and then when cas comes back he takes SO MANY photos of him and they're mostly badly framed and blurry but #HE WON'T STOP #he'll print some out like.he printed out the tombstone picture #he'll make albums bc he wants something to hold on to this time #when it happens for the last time #WHEEEEEEE ANYWAY