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5 Recent Movies (You Never Realized Were Completely Insane)

Nobody expects every movie to be great. For every Steven Spielberg, there’s a Tommy Wiseau. For every Ridley Scott, there’s, uh, well, another Ridley Scott. No self-respecting person has the time or inclination to watch everything Hollywood craps out, so it’s quite possible that you don’t know how bad some recent movies turned out to be. Luckily for you, we have no self-respect, so let us satiate your morbid curiosity by telling you all about this year’s most baffling cinematic turds (so far). SPOILERS AHEAD!

Folks, Tom Cruise Was The Real Mummy ALL ALONG

Tom Cruise played Jerry Maguire in Jerry Maguire, Jack Reacher in Jack Reacher, and someone who was born on the 4th of July in Born On The Fourth Of July. Guess who he plays in The Mummy. Go on, guess.

At first, Cruise’s character is your average U.S. Army sergeant in Iraq who seduces archaeologists to steal their maps and search for treasure. Early on, he gets into a fight with some alleged insurgents he happened to run into and orders a goddamn air strike on them — the military equivalent of asking your brother to finish the level for you.

Universal Pictures Instead of bombs, they dropped copies of the script.

Fortunately, we don’t have much time to mull over the ethical implications of all this, because the strike accidentally uncovers an ancient tomb:

Universal Pictures And like all ancient tombs in movies, it’s shaped like Clint Eastwood’s scowling face.

Cruise, the guy from New Girl, and the woman whose map he stole with his penis are sent in to investigate. They discover an ancient mummy, but more importantly, the archaeologist lets us know that Cruise sucks in bed (and not in the good sense). As they’re flying the Mummy back to England, after long stretches of dialogue about sexual inadequacy, the plane crashes and Tom Cruise fucking dies.

Unfortunately, the movie doesn’t end there — Cruise soon wakes up in a body bag, either because of the Mummy’s magic or some kind of weird loophole in Dianetics.

Universal Pictures If you told us Tom Cruise sleeps inside a plastic bag at home every day, we’d fully believe it.

A moment later, Cruise’s friend and two doctors walk in, and everyone’s biggest concern is that they can see the dick of this guy who just cheated death itself. Anyway, the Mummy ends up getting captured midway through the movie, a plot development that probably feels familiar to anyone who wasn’t in a coma between 2008 and now:

At one point we also meet Russell Crowe, who plays Dr. Jekyll. As in the Dr. Jekyll, the one who turns into the villainous Mr. Hyde. Presumably Hyde is the one who smacks hotel clerks with phones and insists on singing in public.

The third act then finds an army of corpses rising and attacking the city — though taking into consideration how Tom Cruise is in his 50s but has jet-black hair, works out like crazy, and spends most of this movie talking about how he boned someone more than 20 years younger than him, the sight of him fleeing a sea of rotting bodies ravaged by time accidentally becomes a powerful metaphor.

Then in the very end, Tom Cruise basically lets the Mummy win and use him as the host body for the god of death — but then he uses his new powers to kill her. So yes, Cruise now has ancient mummy powers, and will possibly develop an affinity for wearing toilet paper all over his body in the next movie he shows up in.

Did You Know Harriet Tubman Knew The Transformers?

It’s no secret that the Transformers series is basically the cinematic equivalent of watching a Monster Energy Drink in a paint shaker. Hell, the last movie found Mark Wahlberg guzzling a flaming bottle of Bud Light like that’s a normal thing to do. Even with the bar so low (and presumably on fire), Transformers: The Last Knight is maddeningly awful.

For starters, the story is an obvious attempt to smoosh together a bunch of popular TV shows into a Transformers movie. It opens with a dragon Transformer helping King Arthur, who’s seemingly engaged in some kind of game, for some kind of throne …

After a jarring time jump, we meet a scrappy gang of kids seemingly played by the Stranger Things kids’ stunt doubles:

What was that other big TV show from last year? Oh yeah, Westworld. Cue Anthony Hopkins delivering a bunch of nonsensical exposition about robots, which is apparently his jam now.

Here’s where the wheels really come off before they can retract and turn into a dinosaur. Hopkins explains that he is the only remaining member of a secret society that protects the secret history of the Transformers on Earth. It turns out that these giant-ass talking vehicles were present for many famous historical milestones. We just … forgot about them? Didn’t notice?

Members of the Society of Transformer Pals included Einstein, da Vinci, Shakespeare, and Stephen Hawking (who, by the way, is still alive, movie). Also a member? Harriet Tubman. That’s right, this movie is implying that Transformers helped the Underground Railroad. Which people have pointed out is a) insane, and b) you’d think giant weaponized robots could have done a touch more to help the slaves. At least the movie doesn’t raise the question of why the Transformers didn’t stop the Holocaust or some-

There Was A Movie About The Guy From Avatar Hanging Out With God In A Shack

Sam Worthington stars in The Shack, a movie adaptation of the best-selling Christian inspirational novel. The movie starts in the past, where we see our main character, Mack, and his mother being abused by his alcoholic dad. So naturally, Mack pours strychnine in his dad’s booze, probably murdering him, though it’s hard to say because this is never mentioned again.

Flash-forward to Mack all grown up and Sam-Worthington-like. But his life is still beset by tragedy, as his youngest daughter is kidnapped and murdered by a serial killer (!!!) during a camping trip. They never find her body, but Mack is told she was killed in a remote shack (a place the B52s would never in their right minds sing about). That winter, a distraught Mack receives a mysterious note inviting him to the shack, signed “Papa” — which is his wife’s nickname for God, not an implication that Ernest Hemingway is penning creepy notes from beyond the grave.

Thinking this might be his daughter’s killer, a gun-toting Mack accepts the invitation and heads up to the abandoned cabin, which sadly contains no chainsaws or Necronomicons. Instead, it magically (or I guess spiritually, since Christians don’t like magic) transforms into a cozy cottage straight out of a beer commercial. Even weirder, it’s now home to Octavia Spencer, who immediately says that she’s God. Also there are a flannel-clad Jesus and an Asian lady who’s apparently the Holy Spirit. Yeah, it’s the Holy Trinity, chilling out and enjoying their Carlsberg years.

Through a series of painfully long conversations, they convince Mack not to give up on his faith, embrace life, and maybe spruce up his living room with some Crate & Barrel chairs and assorted Martha Stewart bullshit. Jesus casually walks on water:

God listens to an iPod, for some reason:

And they show Mack a whole bunch of psychedelic ghosts out in a pasture, like Field Of Dreams mixed with Tron mixed with MDMA. Even more like Field Of Dreams, one of the ghosts is Mack’s dad. Who, if you’ll remember, was a real piece of shit. Mack hugs him, obviously.

In the end, God shows Mack where his daughter’s body was hidden, and they have a funeral for her. Which is nice and all, but maybe it would have been even nicer if, you know, his wife were there too? Or his kids? Hey, God, why is this one dude the only one who gets some damn closure?

iBoy: Netflix’s Weird-Ass Superhero Movie

While it sounds like a movie about Steve Jobs’ prepubescent years, iBoy is actually a Netflix production starring Arya Stark and … umm, some guy who knows Arya Stark. Its story of a teenage boy with an unrequited crush on his neighbor takes a sharp turn when he walks in on a gang of masked thugs sexually assaulting her (bullshit rape storylines seem to follow Game Of Thrones actors around). The kid flees, but as he’s calling the cops, he gets shot in the head.

Instead of, you know, immediately killing him, the pieces of exploded phone embed themselves in his brain …

… which give him superpowers. More specifically, he can psychically read and even control smartphones. And of course the human cellphone uses his powers to fight crime like a tween-friendly Dark Knight.

You may be wondering how he actually fights bad guys. After all, having Google Maps and Shazam coursing through your cerebral cortex doesn’t necessarily mean you can kick ass. It’s simple: When he’s cornered by a cadre of thugs, iBoy psychically causes all their phones to explode:

Say what you will about Batman, but even he hasn’t been able to figure out a way to set his adversaries’ balls on fire without lifting a finger.

Fuck You, The Book Of Henry

Judging by the box office results, a lot of you didn’t see Jurassic World director Colin Trevorrow’s The Book Of Henry, either because it was savaged by critics or because the poster made it look like the world’s crappiest Choose Your Own Adventure book.

The film tells the story of Henry, a genius kid straight out of a script Wes Anderson started and then threw away. He spends his life making Rube Goldberg devices, playing the stock market, and generally being lauded for how brilliant he is. We never find out who his father was, though presumably his mom had a one-night stand with an anthropomorphic Screenwriting For Dummies book.

Oddly, his mom is content letting him run her entire life, which seems … unhealthy. She consults with him before financial decisions and sees him more as a sort of surrogate husband than a son. Even Marty McFly would find this dynamic unsettling.

Oddly, the precious, quirky, autumn-leaf-filled indie drama soon becomes very thriller-like when Henry notices that the girl who lives next door is being sexually abused by her stepdad — meaning some genius waltzed into a Hollywood studio and pitched “Rear Window, but with kids getting molested,” and it worked. Henry’s on the case, but no one will take him seriously because the stepdad is the police commissioner (and also played by Hank from Breaking Bad). So with the school principal and child services being total dicks, Henry formulates a plan … to murder the stepdad.

And by the way, we’re just getting started.

Before Henry can go through with his plan, in another twist, it turns out that he has a brain tumor. The titular character dies halfway through the movie. Henry’s little brother then tells the mom about Henry’s dying wish that she read his journal, which contains the elaborate murder plan. Henry is so annoyingly smart that he even anticipated what people would say out loud after he’s dead:

The mom rejects the plan at first, but eventually gets sucked in. She ends up buying a giant hunting rifle and luring her target into the woods during a school talent show:

She comes very close to pulling the trigger, but doesn’t go through with it, because she remembers that Henry was “a child.” Yeah, her arc is realizing she doesn’t have to do everything a young kid told her to. At the same time, the school principal finally decides to do something about the sex abuse. Why does she come to this conclusion? Because the girl’s dance at the talent show is just so pathos-filled.

What made The Book Of Henry a next-level debacle wasn’t simply its critical lambasting, paltry box office receipts, or “bloodstained Mad Libs you found at an abandoned bus station on Halloween” of a plot. No, it’s the fact that its utter craptitude might’ve catalyzed Trevorrow’s dismissal as the director of Star Wars Episode IX. This is why you never, ever pursue your passion projects, kids.

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