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#literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i
opens-up-4-nobody
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4 months
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#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator
#i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much
#but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday
#forever and ever drawing
#but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal
#literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i
#chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms
#bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys
#the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so
#long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from
#everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is
#warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable
#but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head
#hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor
#for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b
#i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am
#but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the
#past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria
#unrelated
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