#maybe this isn't that strange but it feels like one of those adhd things lol.

[merge-conflict]

the truly distressing effect of ADHD on writing is that often I just do Not Remember, which can make it hard to string a story together. I think that's why I can be so particularly anxious about nailing a character's tone or personality– once I've got them set in my head like a function, then I can put in the same inputs and get consistent output. but before then it feels like anything I've figured out about them might slip away when I'm not looking. Sometimes I reread my work and find I've hinted at something that I then later decided to make come true, and you'd think I planned it that way but about half the time you'd be wrong. It's just that I asked myself similar questions and got similar answers and only realized once I get it to the editing stage. it's not in my conscious mind at all. sometimes as a consequence I have to remove very similar scenes or emotional moments because I've already done them, but I guess overall it works!

#this is actually how I function all the time so I think it works through sheer habit #when I know I wanted to do something but don't know what it was I ask myself: 'what would I do if I were me' #works 70% of the time every time #adhd & writing #maybe this isn't that strange but it feels like one of those adhd things lol.

[olderthannetfic]

Hi there! I hope you're having a nice day.

Little bit of a rant and a bid for advice, if you or your readers have any. I hope that's alright.

I'm currently writing a fic or maybe multiple fics (plot bunnies be running rampant in me brains) about a rarepair of two guys. I'm a bi woman and have basically zero social skills, so in order to properly understand other people's body language, I like to look up guides or articles about body language between two people, although I know those things are full of bullshit and don't mean anything, and it's hard to find articles for example about whether another woman's body language indicates interest in you if you're a woman yourself, but eh, they're still better than my brain which is usually like "eh, could mean this or that or this or that or this or that or- basically could be anything, I wouldn't know that lol, now I'm tired and will shut off, bye" aka useless as well.

The results I've found have been absolutely useless. I like writing characters in a slightly plausible-sounding way, so I like incorporating body language as in acting choices or subconscious body language (or whatever a proper term might be) in my writing to make it sound more in-character. So for stuff like this, I usually just think "ok what is that person's expression and if I do it, what would that indicate me to be feeling currently", and I don't know if other people do that or if that's just me being bad with social stuff and intuition about it again, and if I should really try to get re-evaluated for autism which I have been advised to think about doing multiple times in multiple direct and indirect implicative ways such as people being like "hey btw are you autistic? no? you sure?" or "I know you got a negative diagnosis as a kid, but maybe that was wrong and you might wanna do it again because of all your social struggles and sensory stuff etc.", heh. (Have been diagnosed with ADHD though, so that might also just be it.)

Sorry for the rambling. English isn't my first language, so if anything sounds strange, that's to blame.

My question or rather bid for advice is: I am wondering if you or your readers might have any advice on where to find resources for reading body language and romantic or sexual implications in body language between two parties, in this case between two guys.

(Hopefully this is not too nonsensical or insensitive or something like that because that's not my intention. I just really don't know how to human or if there actually is some difference on how different people of different genders flirt consciously or subconsciously or if that's some weird unnoticed transphobic bio-essentialism shit that I hadn't yet noticed and sorted out of my head because I don't want to be transphobic since that sucks.)

--

Weeell...

If people have links to guides, that's great, but I do think that in the context of fanfic, people often write flirting that they find sexy or they write whatever the canon style of interaction is and recontextualize it as how these particular guys flirt.

They're not usually thinking "What does flirting look like in general?" and then having the characters behave in a new way.

A lot of our interpretation of body language in written fiction has to do with information we get from the POV character about how they're feeling internally. For the non-POV character, we may have the POV character's thoughts on what the body language means, but we're generally interpreting it based on media cliches and based on knowing this is a ship fic.

So the other dude acts like he doesn't like our POV dude and the POV dude is like "Alas, my pining is unrequited!" and the audience goes "Ooooh, it's one of those fics!"

If the goal is writing certain types of fic, you may not need a guide to How People Really Act as much as one to How Fans Interpret Such and Such a Behavior from Canon as Subtext.

[bardkin]

semi-comprehensive list of my possibly-most-likely-maybe plural experiences, mainly for my own benefit, but also for anyone else who may be questioning similar stuff.

large majority of the stuff below the cut have been happening long before i learned about plurality & the community.

some aspects have intensified or cropped up afterword, but those could also be things i just didn't notice or have the words to describe till now, & feels like a fairly normal progression.

observations from The Dragonheart Collective's "How Do I Know If I’m Plural?" essay:

Generally feeling fascinated with plurality (media depictions or otherwise), and drawn to it without entirely knowing why, or because it ‘feels right’; fantasizing about discovering you are, or becoming, plural and feeling intense relief about it.

‘Hearing voices’ that behave in ‘person-like’ ways, particularly if it’s an ‘internal thought voice’

Having ‘your consciousness’ talk to you in extended ways.

Your internal dialogue is sometimes or always a conversation/dialogue in which one side you don’t control.

You have ‘parts of yourself’ or ‘other selves’ that you are in conversation with internally, with words or otherwise.

You have ‘racing thoughts’ where your thought train is many internal dialogues at once.

Otherwise having an internal part of your thoughtspace that behaves in person-like ways you cannot control, whether is speaks in words or otherwise.

‘Identity disturbances’ and having other entities ‘take over’ at any time

Feeling like you weren't born in that body, that you simply appeared one day inside of it.

Not feeling in control of what you are doing or like you are on autopilot. (rarely)

Having a hard time answering or being unable to answer the question ‘Who am I as a person?’. (more often just having a hard time answering this. i've always struggled with this, in multiple areas. discovering my SU fictotype was the biggest breakthrough here, as i finally had something more concrete to bounce off.)

Feeling like the you of a few years ago is not the same you that exists now in a very visceral sense more than a ‘I changed and grew a lot since then’ sense.

Feeling like you had a sudden stray thought or feeling that doesn't belong to you.

Dissociation; general disconnects between you, your sense of self, reality, and others around you

Sometimes you just feel ‘very strange’ in a way you can’t place.

Sometimes feeling like the world around you is surreal or dreamlike or like it’s in a fog or far away.

Sometimes you don't feel real, or like you are invisible or fake or do not exist.

Your surroundings or the people around you feel fake, unreal, or simulated (because I feel fake in the first place).

You feel like you are solely a conduit for experiencing things rather than a cohesive person with an identity some or all of the time. (roughly i'd give this a "some of the time" rating, but it varies from day to day.)

Sometimes not recognizing your face in the mirror or your own body, feeling like it is ‘wrong’ or ‘not you’; otherwise finding mirrors uncomfortable. (this is a "more often than not" kind of thing. this only kind of related to my transness or otherkinity, as the feelings i get with those are a different kind of "this isn't me, this feels wrong.")

Feeling detached from your thoughts, sense of self, or agency. (semi-rarely.)

Feeling like your emotions are happening ‘over there’ or to someone else. (semi-rarely.)

Very easily being ‘tranced’, hypnotized, or ‘zoned out’ when exposed to stimuli frequently considered hypnotic or rhythmic. (possibly??? this one gets a big "maybe, idk" because i Have done this a few times with certain videos & stuff my partner does, but it could also be the auDHD lol)

Note on the Amnesia, general unreliable memory and forgetfulness section. I have ADHD, and do not experience amnesia in the ways described by systems & plural folks. i know for a fact that my unreliable memory stems from my ADHD, so i won't be including anything from that section, as the bullet points are not applicable to this kind of memory gap.

Physical sensations with no other known medical cause due to dissociation

Getting ‘head pressures’ or headaches. (i do get semi-frequent headaches that vary in intensity, but lately they've been caused by early morning/late night storms due to the change in air pressure. some are seemingly very random from day to day, but when i do get one, it's either when i first wake up, or sometime later at night.)

Finding it hard to move or becoming catatonic or paralyzed, partially or totally sometimes, sometimes with accompanied fatigue or sleepiness. (to a VERY small degree. it's more like sluggishness than genuine paralyzation, and along the lines of "having to ask my body to move or be moved, rather than moving it myself.")

Tertiary/comorbid conditions you may also have alongside being Plural and/or having a Dissociative Disorder

Neurodevelopmental disorders like ADHD or Autism

PTSD or C-PTSD (possibly, but not officially. i have Trauma, but i don't know if it's to this level.)

Anxiety Disorders (social & general, babbeeyyy)

personal observations

unintentionally (then later intentionally with loads of research) made original characters that are systems/plural, & wrote fanfics that explore the concept of plurality. writing them have felt incredibly natural.

communicative "inner dialogue voice" that responds semi-frequently, and doesn't always feel like i'm continuing my own sentience / answering my own question. (example: "I should grab some milk while I'm out. Grab something sweet, too." VS "I should grab some milk while I'm out." "Grab something sweet, too.")

feeling an "extra presence" at times, like someone sitting shotgun or in the back seat of the car that is my brain.

feeling like someone else should be experiencing certain emotions or situations. and not in the "this is injustice, it shouldn't be happening to me (or anyone) as a whole," but rather "the other guy handles this. this isn't something i'm for." typically the most noticeable when i'm being infantilized.

on that note, "feeling like a teenager" sometimes feels a bit literal. not quite in the age regressed way (tho maybe?). currently not sure how else to describe it, other than what it doesn't feel like.

feeling conflicted and somewhat stressed at the thought of all this not being due to plurality.

#ensiger #possibly plural

[mylittlesyn]

I was wondering what it felt like when you started writing your first fic and saw a bunch of positive comments and likes/reblogs about it?

Well so my very first fic I wrote never really got any comments. (I was 14 and it was an Avenged Sevenfold Vampire werewolf fanfic, don't judge me it was 2007). I was young and immature so I stopped writing it (well stopped publishing it. I actually still have most of the fic written out by hand in a notebook.) Because I didn't understand the concept of writing for myself.

The first fanfic I wrote while going through my fanfic revival... Also hasn't gotten much praise. It has a lot of hits, but kudos are nothing compared to it and honestly, It's had maybe like 3-5 people genuinely comment and praise it despite having like 15,000 hits between the three major parts? I don't even bother posting it here because it's with an OFC and I feel like they don't really get a lot of love here on tumblr.

The first fic that has really gotten any praise or attention was probably Nanami's Secret Wife. It's a really emotional and sentimental piece I wrote because I hate Gege sometimes. It made me so happy to see that people shared the same emotions I did when I wrote it! It really encouraged me to try out the one shot format more, which I don't really stick to, but it did teach me that things can be shorter.

By far my one shots and reader inserts have been way more popular in terms of reblogs and interaction than any OFC or longer series. And honestly it hurts. It makes it harder sometimes to find the motivation to go back to those fics.

I have one person that started to leave comments on every chapter of my original long fic I released (Sunrise/Pancakes/To: My loving Star) and I befriended them. I give them a heads up as soon as I posted my fic and... While I absolutely LOVE writing this series and thinking about it (I mean it's over 600,000 words)... The fact that someone is so eager to read every last bit of it makes me feel like I'm not wasting my time... I know that might be strange considering 'I'm writing for me'... But do you ever take a lazy day, to like recouperate, and you watch your shows, and take a nap, and take a long relaxing bath and then you think... Wow, I'm a total lazy fuck. What the fuck did I even do today other than waste my time? The fact that someone else acknowledges my work, helps me feel like I'm not doing something for absolutely nothing. That my time is valuable. That I can enjoy myself and bring joy to others.

Sure likes are nice, but sometimes I feel like people like things without even giving them another glance. How many times have you liked something with the intention to go back and look at it and never do? (I'm guilty of this, how do you think I know to call you guys out? lol) But that's why I also reblog onto my personal tumblr. Because maybe someone will see it, and like it, and give it the time of day that I should have. And that will make the author feel like their time was worth something.

Sorry this got so long winded it's 2AM and I'm... Not sober. But if you were looking to start writing yourself... I still encourage you to do it. It'll be a hard time to start, but you can make your way through it. I recommend making friends on tumblr. Talk about writing with other writers! I'll admit, I'm terrible at reading other people's fics (My ADHD brain isn't good with it I'm so sorry @sukunastoy but when my brain is finally ready to read a new persons fic, it will be yours) but I do try to share other people's fics when I can.

ALSO, I'LL TAKE THIS TO ANNOUNCE: I have stopped giving fucks and I'm not going to hide my OFC's anymore. I will gradually be integrating all of my OFC x Character stories (minus the kakashi long fic that is wayyyyyy too long) and posting them here on tumblr. I hope you all enjoy them as much as the reader inserts.

#This sounds terrible tbh but #It's kind of the sad reality #especially with this current like only never reblog culture that tumblr has grown