#more like a very mentally ill fair-weather friend who was also partially responsible for raising me

[dreamlogic]

...

#shit chat #family cw #parents divorcing: dad moved into tiny apt & doesn't want anything. mom moving to kentucky in a few weeks? months? w/ new fiancee #brother sick of the drama; doesn't want anything & isn't talking to my mom rn (understandable) #so i'm. pawing through 30 years of my parents' junk trying to sift out & salvage childhood relics #the leftovers mostly bc my mom has already laid claim to most of the things i have a strong attachment to #and currently having an existential crisis on my bedroom floor sorting through xmas decorations to keep/donate #like damn my childhood has so much substance in my memory & these objects seemed imbued with so much magic #and looking at it now there's a few things that still have a glimmer of life but mostly it's just cheap old shit. #i don't want any of this; i just want the sense of comfort and love and security of a functional loving family #but the divorce is also dredging up a lot of shit that i'm further processing in therapy #and i'm coming to the very depressing realization that a lot of my childhood kinda sucked ass #not all of it! and looking at photos i still feel strong positive emotions towards my past #but there really isn't any legacy to speak of. heirlooms consist of a few sentimental tchotchkes & a box of old picture books #also my mom kinda fucking sucked as a parent in ways i'm only just now allowing myself to admit & examine #like i don't think i could ever hate her or write her off completely and i did get certain wonderful aspects of myself from her #but she hasn't consistently been a Good Mom to me. p much since my brother was born when i was like 5. #more like a very mentally ill fair-weather friend who was also partially responsible for raising me #god this sucks. but at least i have a box of delicate sparkly glass baubles that i can smash on the pavement for catharsis sometime #anyways. friends if it seems like i've been more hermit-y and avoidant than usual lately– this is why #i've been estranged from most of my extended family for years & used to be really close with my immediate family. #which is currently a reeking dumpster fire that's choking my life with noxious smoke #and p much all of my energy & free time is going towards not letting actively retruamatizing current events nuke my brain #brother & i agreed that the current Vibes are like... #trying to cut loose the life boats from a sinking ship and get clear before the water displacement sucks us under #but i finally have all my shit out of the house except furniture that can't be moved until my mom moves #so the gaping chest wound is slowly starting to scab over and i can start actually clearing out some of this shit & #tracing the panicked exodus back to a more grounded stable version of myself #ugh.