#muse for az has been nonexistent

[snakes-sn-snails]

Tagging this as Good Omens because it will have spoilers, but really it is just some 0400 personal musings not particularly related to the show.

TLDR: Aziraphale regards the fallen the way well meaning Catholics regard ex Catholics and queers. Both Aziraphale and Catholics must realize that a being’s relationship with God does not determine their goodness.

I was raised Catholic. I spent every Sunday in a church until I became brave enough to lie to my parents about attending in my own time. I always attended Catholic schools where I wore skirts and debated homophobic teachers. I believed so deeply in this stuff that I was homophobic by default, and when my struggles with my faith began around thirteen I dug my heels in harder and tried to memorize the text better.

I’m not from either of the more liberal coasts either. No, it was the gulf coast with all of it’s delayed mental advancements for me, and I am of the age that I can remember being distrusted by my hetero peers parents by default, even though these peers wouldn’t realize their parent’s opinions until long after they had become more progressive. (That was a long sentence. I won’t fix it.)

I am now an adult on the NE coast where many of these issues are nonexistent. People act like my sexuality has never been an issue, and I’m dramatic for always playing defense. This hurts, and I’ve tried to open myself up more. Little things like not reminding myself how most people over forty would have treated me even ten years ago, and that a Catholic man isn’t an immediate threat.

But going to church will always be self flagellation that I only do willingly when I have begun to spiral.

So when a straight Catholic boy - a friend - whose personal desires have always aligned with what is expected of him tells me that homophobic interpretations of the Bible are false I get angry. He cannot understand it, but he is essentially telling me that my early deviation from faith was unnecessary because every trusted person who rejected me was just stupid. That I can easily come back to church, because that is not what our religion is about.

[Catholics and Catholic queers may wanna check out here. I’m never changing my stance on this book. (As a ward, I highlight that only a few examples of homophobia can be explained away as pedophilia in the Old Testament, but give you the fact that only one author thought to include a homophobic Jesus in the New Testament.) I’m also gonna keep using “slurs” in the rest of this, because the little “corporation friendly” labels are the ones that were used against me.]

So when Aziraphale made his offer to Crowley at the end of season two I really felt that rejection that hadn’t meant to be there. After all, my experience being ex Catholic and being queer are reminiscent of being “fallen” in two main ways:

1) The fallen depend on a savior to reinstate them

2) Being fallen indicates wrongness.

Az believes that Crowley remains fallen because Crowley is unable to return to heaven, and that Crowley wants to return. There is a good chance that Crowley did want to return in the beginning. He was a passionate angel, but was cast out of his community because he was too curious. Through exposure, Az has come to see Crowley’s curiosity is morally neutral, or even good. Az has personally decided this curiosity not a reason for an angel to fall. He fails to realize his personal acceptance does not change heaven’s stance, and that Crowley would still “deserve” to fall even if he is reinstated.

Crowley’s time on the outside, however, lead him to reject heaven in return. Crowley recognized that heaven has institutional problems, which lead him to realize the angel / demon binary is fabricated, as both commit the same harmful (and sometimes good) acts, but these acts are labeled just when authorized by heaven. Az, along with most angels and demons, do not do not see how this binary does not reflect reality, and nor do they see that the flaws are institutional as opposed to being cause by “a few bad apples.” Hence why Az accepts the leadership role.

In a similar vein, my friend believes that the only reason I am not Catholic today is because I was burned in my youth, and I should ignore the homophobic passages in the text as he has. Similar to Crowley, there was a point when I did desire acceptance, but my time in high school completely changed this. Religion classes revealed to me the depth to which I was an interloper no matter how much I worked to hide my queerness. Each challenge I made in religion class was answered, and further analysis of the text made it clear that the church is fundamentally against faggots like me. (I did actually have a teacher who was homophobic, but not transphobic, as she is also literate.) My rejection made me critical, so I started looking for the cracks in the Catholic church, and, my God, there are many. Too many to list here, so check the news if you want further reading.

Az’s offer for Crowley to be reinstated also reminds Crowley that his fallen status makes him damaged in Az’s eyes, and no amount of good actions or time can change this. The only thing that can fix Crowley is to become an angel again, and rejoin an organization that Crowley knows is just as evil as hell. Az saying “I forgive you” in response to Crowley’s kiss solidifies this belief, regardless of Az’s intentions in this scene.

This scene connects with me on multiple levels. In relation to my friend, who is honestly a representation of most beloved Catholics in my life, the infrequent suggestions that my faith has any positive influence on my morality ranges from deeply hurtful to rather laughable. Still, when someone believes that goodness can only come from a God who had a bear maul 40 children, I know my attempts to be just will never be fully appreciated.

The second reason this scene hit me is because of its parallels to homophobia - possibly internal homophobia - in the church. A masculine presenting heavenly angel offering forgiveness after being kissed by a masculine presenting demon, after everything these two have been through is too on the nose. [I am going to continue to write this with the assumption that the plot going forward will not have either character on the ace spectrum. This plot would call for a slightly different analysis.] Their relationship is on thin ice as it was, but to acknowledge that there are romantic feelings interlaced in requires forgiveness. This is similar to the stories I’ve heard and the lessons I was taught, where two queer people may maintain a close, friendly relationship so long as there is no physical aspect. This is similar to the idea that being gay is perfectly fine God’s eye, it is acting on these feelings that is the sin.

Az and my friend were labeled good so they have no reason to question these organizations. It is us outsiders who carry the burden of knowledge that the world is not black and white. Most folks aren’t even “dark grey” or “light grey.” Goodness and badness exist on a spectrum, and angels / demons as well as Catholics / non Catholics are equally capable of doing good and bad. Furthermore, doing something evil in the name of God will never be right, (though I do not offer much of the same criticisms to those who do good in the name of evil). 

As sexy as it is, I believe the angel / demon dichotomy will need to fall away in the third season. There are too many instances of these beings not fitting their labels, and one successful (key word o_o ) example of these being putting aside their differences in favor of acceptance and understanding. Most importantly, Az must give up the label of angel and have his goodness stand for itself. [I just read the theory that Az did this to save Crowley and have adopted it into my truths. My analysis still stands, as Az still believes the divide between angels and demons is a moral one.]

#good omens #margot stuff