#my brain is trying to convince me everything is terrible i need to forcibly shut it the hell up

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

hold on ok i belted out a brief laughingstock Scene for possible future use that i Had to write down bc if i didn't, i'd never remember it. and why not share?

~

“Barnaby? Barnaby, old chap, are you with me?” 

Barnaby blinks, registering the green fingers snapping in front of his nose. He huffs a laugh and pushes Howdy’s hand away. “Yeah, yeah, I’m listenin’. You were saying?”

Howdy gives him an exasperated look, a fond look. “Thinking about running off to a farm again, were you?”

“Nah, just the clouds. They’re a lot less work.”

“Well I’d rather you didn’t. Who would I talk to during the long hours if you went and floated off?” Howdy winks before turning to his shelves, already yammering away about something or other.

Something or other that Barnaby is once again not listening to, because what was that? Barnaby quickly presses his cool paw-pads to his burning cheeks, feeling the bristling fur there. 

Has Howdy ever winked at him? Now that he’s noticed it, Barnaby can’t recall. If it’s new, then why? Why a wink of all things? What did that mean? And that look Howdy gave him… 

Barnaby adjusts his abruptly too-tight tie. It’s unusually warm in the store, isn’t it? Howdy must have forgotten to turn on the AC. 

Gosh, what is Howdy even saying? He’s still talking, but Barnaby hasn’t absorbed a word. He can’t even tell if Howdy is still speaking english. It’s all garbled.

There’s something wrong with Barnaby. He must be coming down with something… or he’s just overthinking it. Overworking the ol’ noggin. A good long nap should set him right. 

“Listen,” Barnaby interrupts, patting the counter, “I uh, I don’t know where my head’s at. I better go find it - I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Oh… alright, then,” Howdy says, a tinge of disappointment in his voice. 

Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Barnaby slaps that thought out of the park. He doesn’t want Howdy to be disappointed, that’s absurd. That’s something a bad friend would think. Barnaby may be many things, but a bad friend isn’t one of them.

“I’ll whip up a joke that’ll knock your socks off next time I see ya,” Barnaby promises. He smiles around the discomfort and the entirely new feeling squirming around each other in his chest. 

“Now you’ve gone and brought up my expectations,” Howdy says. He leans on the counter and grins. “Are you sure you can back up such a claim, Mr. Beagle?”

Another hot flush races under Barnaby’s fur, and to his growing mortification, his tail starts wagging at breakneck speed. He lets out an uncharacteristically nervous laugh and backs away from the counter. To both of their horror, his back hits a shelf, making it rattle and tip.

“Oh, sh-” Barnaby lunges to right it before it can topple. He whips around and laughs again. Howdy’s wide-eyed stare burns. “Sorry ‘bout that! Talk about a bulldog in a bugshop, geez.”

“When you find your head, make sure to screw it on nice and tight,” Howdy says, a strange look on his face to match his tone. “And check your temperature while you’re at it - it’s not like you to be off-balance.”

“I wouldn’t say I’m off-balance,” Barnaby says. He inches towards the door, willing his stupid tail to calm down. “I just have ears instead of rearview mirrors.”

“Uh-huh…” Howdy slides to the side, trying to peer around him. 

Barnaby fumbles for the door. The scrape and bang of his search for the handle echoes in the quiet store. One of Howdy’s eyebrows creeps higher the longer Barnaby stands there, making a complete fool of himself. 

Finally, the door clicks, and Barnaby nearly tumbles over backwards in his haste to get out. He stumbles down the steps and briskly walks away, adjusting his hat and tie. As soon as he’s out of sight, he slaps his paws to his face and sags against the bodega.

“Idiot,” he hisses to himself. He presses his back flat against the wall and slams the side of his fist against it. Normally, Barnaby would use a situation like this to his advantage. But Howdy wasn’t laughing, and Barnaby wasn’t being funny. “Bulldog in a - gah, idiot!”

Great. Now Howdy thinks he’s not only a clumsy oaf, but that he’s losing his touch too.

Barnaby growls in frustration, pushing off the wall and stomping away from the plaza on all fours. What does he care what Howdy thinks of him? Others’ opinions of Barnaby have never been anywhere near his list of top priorities - barring Wally’s, of course. If they were, he'd never tell another joke again.

Yes, Howdy is a good friend of Barnaby’s. A close friend, even. But since when has he had such a - such an effect? Barnaby shakes his head, growling again. 

There was no effect. Barnaby is just going insane. Or he’s getting sick, like Howdy implied. That would explain the sudden hot flash, the loss of typically impeccable coordination, and, oh yeah! Barnaby’s brain leaking out of his ears.  

#context from My Brain: #barnaby's chatting with howdy as usual and howdy does Something endearing #or was it like... idk one of his personality quirks pops up #& barnabys like 'aw hes doing The Thing. its one of the things i love about him' #and obviously has a moment of 'whoah wait Love?? haha where the fuck did that come from. whatever *proceeds to panic*' #essentially: the first domino falls #laughingstock #aaaaand not tagging as anything else #if people see it they see it #i havent posted Any of my recent (and rare) writings so this is slightly mortifying! #its been too long since ive posted fic i need to buckle down on my wips #not this one obvs since its not even really a wip #just a tidbit for future me to edit and implement #my dc wips... who i still want to continue & finish so so badly... #the mermay timber one... the timkon cannibalism... cowboy hat rule... and many more... #anyhow i can feel my writing confidence atrophying #i glance at one of my wips and my entire brain recoils like its the worst thing since (insert bad thing here) #shaking myself by the shoulders 'Its Not That Bad You Are A Decent Writer Whose Fics Are More Often Than Not Well Received' #my brain is trying to convince me everything is terrible i need to forcibly shut it the hell up

[trans-axolotl]

I'm facing 6 months of compulsory treatment right now. How did you survive?

💜anon, I so deeply wish that this was not something that either of us have been forced to survive. I'll share what kept me going and I hope that some of it can resonate with you.

First: Always remember that no matter what they try to tell you, what ways they try to dehumanize you, what ways they try to convince you that you are inherently wrong, or broken, or need to be saved from yourself--you are always the expert on what it is like to live in your body and brain, and you always have the right to define your own narrative and truth and experience. there were many times while forcibly hospitalized where there was nothing I could do to actually change the things that were happening to me because I had no power. all I could do in those moments was hold onto the truth that I knew I didn't deserve this and that even if no one was listening, I believed myself and I was bearing witness to the fucked up things that were happening and that someday, i wouldn't be so incredibly trapped.

secondly: do whatever the hell you need to survive without judging yourself for whatever you need to do to get through it. you do not have to be a "good patient"--you can be a "terrible patient" and that doesn't mean you're a bad person. during these last 4 months I was instituionalized, there was times that it was too hard to process the fucked up power structures and everyday violations because I couldn't process it while it was still actively happening to me. some days i needed to shut down and pretend that I was fine with everything happening and follow the rules and not let myself feel any rage or dream of what it was going to be like when i got out. other times, especially when i was younger, the only way i survived was by breaking rules, being a terrible patient, and demanding my autonomy in whatever way was accessible to me. sometimes that looked like destroying my room, swearing at staff, self harming because that was the only thing i had any fucking control over at all. and letting go of judgment for what I had to do to survive helped me get through it. knowing that I had so very few options and was doing the best I could to feel like a person and that as much as they wanted to make me feel like shit for it, I was not a bad person for needing to feel human.

thirdly: know your rights and if possible, have a person on the outside who knows your rights and can advocate for you on the phone. knowing your rights doesn't always mean much because hospitals and psychs still sort of break the law anyway, but knowing what your rights are about how many times you see your treatment team a week, how long they can commit you, what the rules are about forced medication and forced antipsychotics, what the rules are about restraints, visiting--all of that can help you advocate for yourself and recognize when the people in power are lying to you.

fourthly: there still will be moments of joy, even while instituionalized, and holding onto those and keeping them close helped me more than any of the treatment I received ever did. for me, becoming close to the other patients was incredibly healing. not always easy when we're all in crisis and don't have tons of emotional regulation, but listening to others stories, goofing around and rolling down the hallway together, making fun of nurses--the bonds I have with the people i was instituionalized with were truly lifesaving and taught me so much about what it means to love and take care of people. if you can, reach out to the other patients and get to know each other and how to share space with each other. it helps more than i can say. other moments of joy to hold onto--art, whether a million coloring sheets or graffiting onto the hospital walls, the moments you look out the window and see the weather changing, sneaking in vapes, little things like getting new bedsheets or if there's chocolate ice cream or learning how to do a handstand. even amongst everything, there will still be joy + love, and letting myself have that saved me.

fifth: depends on the rules of the place you can go to what is considered contraband or not, but bring comfort items, lists of phone numbers of people you want to stay in contact with, a journal, fluffy blanket, stuffed animals, art supplies, candy, comfy clothes, anything that brings you some peace. it really helped me to do a journal entry every day so that I could have some record of what was actually happening so that I wouldn't forget when I looked back later. that made me feel more grounded and secure.

sixth: Embrace whatever healing you can find in there. this doesn't have to be the bullshit you hear in group therapy or ridiculous worksheets, but if the shit you hear in group therapy works, then by all means embrace it. if embracing your rage helps, hold onto it. if other patients coping skills resonate with you, use them. it is incredibly fucking hard to heal while being instituionalized and there is absolutely no shame if you don't feel like you're getting better, but it's okay to find those moments of healing despite it all and fight for yourself and fight for building a better life in whatever way that means for you.

overall just know that whatever you are feeling--rage, sadness, pain, relief, fear, panic, grief--you are allowed to feel all of it and feel it as deeply as you need. you are not alone in this. I am so sorry that you are facing the threat of compulsory treatment right now, and know that I believe that you will survive this. depends on the rules so I don't know if you'll have your phone while you're in treatment or not, but feel free to come back, ask for advice, complain as much as you want because it can really fucking suck. know that you are allowed to take up space, you are allowed to exist as a full person with wants, opinions, and desires, and that you are allowed to be struggling, wanting support, and that you never deserve to be locked up and be treated as anything less than the beautifully complex and worthy person that you are.

followers who have faced forced psych treatment before, if you have any words of encouragment or suggestions for anon, please add on <3

#asks #mad pride #psych wards tw #forced treatment tw #anon i don't know how much of this will be relevant to you because i don't know what the specifics of what you're going through #but i hope it helps #antipsych #sending so so so much love