#my creativity really went: 📉

[dilxcs]

sometimes i’d like to get back to writing like i used to, but then i read my wips and i realize how much shittier my writing has become🧎

#my creativity really went: 📉 #as well as my writing #vocabulary who? #grammar who? #story plot and character building who? #𐂴 — senn.stfu [🗝]

[earl-grey-love]

Excuse me this little discussion about what's on my mind. It is relevant to my blog but it's also personal. No content warnings needed. (skip to "long story short" if you want the tldr)

So ever since I started college in January, my ability to be creative went like 📉. Now I get by on basically the bare minimum which is the rare RP or rambled discussion about SIs, plots or developments (mostly in private). This has shown on my blog. I made hardly any meaningful posts about my ships, SIs or F/Os, aside from small stuff like how I wanna snuggle or lil tag rambles about how pretty they are. These are fine, wonderful in fact, but they don't really do much for me. They don't make me feel happy or satisfied.

I've kinda just been feeding off these tidbits for months and months. Heck, there was even a time where I didnt even talk in the tags (really out of character). Due to this I've essentially lost all the spark and passion I had for self shipping. Which is strange because my feelings for my f/os remain as strong as they have always been.

The lack of this spark has made me feel like I should just pack in my blog and move on. And yes, I did try that. But that only made me depressed. It clearly wasn't the answer. So I kinda sat with this "I wanna be here but idk what I'm doing here" feeling for a long time since.

Coupled with this is the feeling that I need to create ship content. I should be writing fics. I should be making moodboards. I should be posting detailed lore/themes/ideas/plots about my ships. I should be making time for my f/os even though I'm exhausted.

I've cried about it actually. It's so frustrating because I know I don't have to make those things to properly love my f/os, but the fact is I really want to make that kind of content. I want to do all those things and more. Yet I've struggled with the fact that I can't because after college and assignments, and social/family time and adult responsibilities, I have basically no energy left. Especially since I'm disabled too and that's a whole ton of energy expended trying to maintain my additional needs too. The only "spare" time I've really had for self shipping is either during self-care moments or right before I go to sleep or get up in the morning. It sucks.

(especially since my f/os help me cope)

I thought I was okay with this. Like it was some small thing that sucked but I could learn to live with. But something changed. I made that stardew profile. It was the first time in a really, really long time where I actually made something purely for myself. And God it felt good. It made me realise how important making things is for me. I need to create to be happy. It's not something I can really go without. I mean I can, but I'll be fucking miserable.

After that I had the spark again. The desire to create and share. I've been coming up with all kinds of stuff that I'd stopped thinking about. Like yesterday in the shower I made up this whole angel themed magical girl purely for fun. Then I wanted to draw her but I didn't have time. I was okay with that though because I had created her anyway and it was fun. I had stopped doing things for fun. I had fallen into the capitalist mindset of productivity. But no more.

Long story short, I really want to create again. I don't have the time or the energy I used to have, so I need to adapt to that. Make smaller but no less special things. Talk about the stuff I usually think isn't worth talking about, like my idea for that stardew character. Maybe I go nowhere with it or nobody cares for it, but at least I have fun.

On top of this I'm also trying to figure out if I actually want to continue academics into University (sociology) or dedicate my life to what I always valued most, art (creative writing degree). Creative writing was my original plan but I thought doing it for a career or studies would sap the passion out of it. Instead I learnt that not being creative saps the passion out of me.

#something something talking about myself is part of my recovery too #I know this is long and a little rambly but it means a lot to me #sunny speaks