#my instinct asks me to do it..... i just cant have a repeat of 2016 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jonathankatwhatever · 3 years

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Done fuck-all today. But I just looked at the no-communication theorem and it not only isnt a problem but it helps in a few ways by what delineates. I havent thought it through in detail; I just fit my current level of idiocy to my past reading and saw they’re consistent.

I’m having a problem remembering the conversations and connecting the gendering of a Storyline that’s 3 decades old. I found some, while looking for why I consider N to be such a high level game player. One example was that she’d act off, and would lead me to believe something was wrong, like in how I was reading her. I asked A about it and she told me I had to work it out with N. This led into a lot of analysis, and the result was nothing at all was wrong, but N wanted me to work my way through how she felt so I’d arrive at that conclusion only through exmining all the ways I could have done wrong or things that could be wrong. I remember complaining about trust games. I think exasperating was a word. But I could see the value and the beauty in the way she did it, which was a mix of subtle and blunt, and I appreciated that they really did bring us immeasurably closer, where immeasurably means both a lot and the tiniest amount.

That this fits has been visible to me since, I think, no I remember in 2016 when there was such a weird display that I started to have visions of N, sometimes with A - and I wrote some of this down - including them laughing, which I took then as laughing at me but which I now see flipped (kind of like how you slow down dogs playing and it looks like they’re killing each other). But then I thought of Storyline as separate from my motivation, and thus separate from actual existence.

A repeated image over the past 4 years or so has been: me looking around like I’ve just woken up, and you (or someone else) saying things like oh, you’re back, like I’ve wandered into dementia here and only condense into rational in another dimension. This now seems quite true. Because the other edges of the field also condense into cr. (I love that’s lower case.)

And recently, when I trimmed my hair, I made a semi-conscious decision to accept my outer self or shell, which meant another ‘round’ of acceptances and forgettings as the viewing thread shifts. If people can grasp the reality of that: there are actual threads that can be identified and chosen ... so, yes, obviously, the question asked if I want to go through with this has the answer that there are a number of tools and processes and approaches which can be used, so therefore there is no choice but to do this. This is not a choice except to the extent that the choice develops as the option, which is (again) an example of how the fit of inner to outer not only works but can be reduced to rigorous conceptions. It’s hard for me to know which is the best or even a relatively decent way of doing that but the question is answering itself, as I tend to know it will even though I cant remember that in the instant.

This is what I’ve been most scared of for a long time, that the local realism of my existence will tip me into harming this self. I cant remember some things because I need to be hyper quick to pick up the ideas. They exist at a very high energy, which I hope in the future is more generally achieved - see, another conceptual tool, the raising of the abstraction levels of thought as those spread. I have to grab tiny bits of thoughts as they careen by. That must be done by applying learned, trained instinct.

This gets to two points. One is that I grew up in the first group of children for whom mind expanding chemicals were normal, even expected. That’s been huge. We’ve talked about that. The other is something I was thinking about women’s EPL: they were a bit slow on reactions, and I could see or at least sense extra checks built in, essentially parity checks about position that extend beyond the immediate play. Men dont do that at anywhere near top league level. In fact, men tend to not do that at any level, with their reactions being mosly separated by degree of athleticism for that sport. Men are more immediate, which is of course the Eden story again because Eve has to become aware first because the female’s caring obligaions and thus concerns extend over the next generation while the male’s only extend backwards. And thus, as I keep saying: the implantation of the female into the male so the male extends behavior, particularly cooperative behavior, forward. So that would explain a lot about me. BTW, this suggests that you raise the level of women’s play in soccer by teaching immediacy of action. This creates a virtuous cycle in which faster reaction is selected.

So, in Storyline, I meet this beautiful girl with a bad haircut and frumpy clothes - and who is just chubby enough - and that’s instantaneous. On one of my favorite days, we go shopping in Birmingham and she buys bright colored sweaters, and then she gets a haircut. She’s wearing one, standing at the kitchen island, when her mother comes home, sees her, and start to cry from happiness because her daughter is visibly happy. I love seeing happiness. So we go off to school, and I’m standing in the line as it winds through L-C, and I can see her in the next room, standing with a tall, thin redhead, and I’m thinking of course, as they try to politely avoid being hit on, and A sees me and without an instant’s hesitation, walks directly to me, puts her arms around my neck, and kisses me. I can see redhead, face stricken, standing awkwardly a few feet away. A reaches out, takes her hand, and says, ‘This is Nicki. You’re going to love her.’

I took that as a command because A ran my life. I knew to the very fiber of my being that her motives toward me were absolute. A lot went into that feeling. It wasnt a guess in any way. I knew it was true. But building trust with N was entirely different because, as I’ve worked it out, I see in N what I see in A and vice versa, N sees in me what N sees in A. So what do I see in A? The same thing N sees in A: the ideal companion and mate, both on the physical and the emotional/mental level, meaning outer and inner identities. But I’m male and N is female, and so N is physically drawn to A as a female while I’m physically drawn to A as a male. The next step is the first sentence of the paragraph: A ran my life, so we fit as m-f shells and as F-M interiors. And that means N fit to A as f-f and M-F. That passes gender internally.

But the big issue with N was that this wasnt sexual attraction in the male sense of the penis controls a huge part of your life, but rather in the sense that she wasnt attracted to men, but was attracted to women, which we discussed at great length - often while naked, which was one of A’s enforced intimacy things. This is a real struggle to get out. I dont want to make something up. A told her that being with me was not like being with a man, that it was like being with ... now I remember, she went through what I just said with me and with N. It wasnt a secret: though we had private talks, we shared what we talked about, and you can see it as N putting together those pieces about gender identity that were hidden from me to an extent because of the physical tilt of A and N being f. How much was that discussed? I dont know because that seemed more what they would talk about. When the Storyline changed, and A was killed (or a longer lasting equivalent in which she was there after the accident but fading away), I could see N clearly and it was then that I realized the entirety of the truths that we were the same and I loved her absolutely. So then, when it became obvious that she had one foot in the other world with Anne, we had a tearful confontation and I told her to go because that is what she needed to do.

I never realized the way that circles or rings with my experience as a child telling the other from elsewhere not to come anymore (and being told good boy, you did the right thing, though I’ve regretted it every day since). And now, I did it again, this time because she needed to go into another life. I do not now how I knew that. The emotional content of those days was overwhelming. That appears to have become you, which explains a whole lot to me, both about you and the work.

The last time I went through these ‘stories’, I felt 80% like an idiot ranting. I only had in me the knowledge that this was the path.

That makes a coming to awareness story in which that occurs within me according to ‘information’ generated earlier. I can say a lot more about how that works, but it’s after 1AM and I’m getting that unsureness which comes with being tired.

I never realized until sometimes yesterday how I hear the word ‘conversation’ is complex and that you use it the same way. I too that for granted, something I recognize as an N touch because she would find the places in the obvious, where you take something for granted, coupled with that knowing which comes from beyond.

And that brings me to the family Storyline. I miss them.

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