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miekasa · 3 years

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💉 in the case of erwintholomew, our most esteemed blonde dad

before the pandemic, they barely interacted. erwin was levi’s friend after all. although the rest of the gang had bonded with oc, erwin was less visible. he was polite of course, charming even! in uni days (erwin works in corporate now, so his major is business/econ/accounting whatever yall want!), every single history and literature professor fell in love with erwin. as did the barista at the school cafe, the friday night guard, the park street sweepers, and every member of the tai chi ladies club who practiced during weekends at the park where he made his morning run. he always greeted them and yelled “great form, keep it up, ladies!” when he passed by.

of course he tried to turn up the charm on oc (old habit). but. but. oc was just. unaffected. she treated him no differently from the others in his friend group. no swooning or giggling or bashful smiles. she didn’t even blush when he tried his smoulder while offering her some of his enhanced fruit smoothie (enhanced with spinach and kale). she laughed and declined, opting instead for a berry smoothie that she loaded with full-fat yogurt and honey. he was aghast. and levi said oc was a doctor? (levi might have been laughing silently in the background. hange was full-on cackling while moblit was trying to shush them.) he didn’t dwell on it much, it’s not like they saw each other a lot. but then the pandemic struck. being confined to one living complex meant he was lucky to see his friends still. they were at levi’s, watching a movie, when it happens.

oc walks through the door and hange yells “hiiiiii!” she waves at them tiredly. and starts stripping. at the door. in front of everyone. erwin’s blood pressure spikes. his face goes red. he’s staring with his mouth half open, thick brows knitted together. levi snaps his fingers to shake him out of it. moblit is tapping his shoulder more forcefully by the minute while hange has begun asking oc about her day. they’re talking amiably as if oc wasn’t by the door, in her underwear, spraying her things down with alcohol. she catches erwin’s staring and laughs out loud. by this time, moblit has hidden behind the couch and levi has buried his head in his hands from secondhand embarrassment. oc asks him if he’s never seen people in bikinis. “it not as if a bra and undies covers anything less!”. (erwin will later be relieved that she understood him and did not pin him for a creep). hange says erwin just doesn’t function like a regular human. he’s more of an intergalactic species with elements of dad-ness to him.

hange: he’s kind of like a DILF but also a dad!

moblit audibly groans in embarrassment. oc giggles and walks to the bathroom to shower like nothing happened. levi and hange both give erwin a slap, and that pulls him out of it.

levi: you’re redder than a hot cheeto, your elderly highness

erwin: what’s a DILF?

a few headcanons of their relationship:

he still gets flustered seeing oc strip down after work. he fainted once when hange began talking about oc’s bra and the little birds embroidered on her underwear (on her butt). oc sighs and just tells levi to elevate erwin’s legs and let him smell something pungent. moblit has a picture of him passed out. it’s printed and framed on hange’s shelf.

he almost popped a blood vessel when oc once asked him what was the difference between debit and debt and dividends.

oc: i’m a science nerd, erwin, i don’t know jack shit about business jargon!

erwin: these are accounting terms! they’re totally different!

oc: to-ma-to, to-mah-to?

erwin just really has to ask. really. because he’s erwin. “

erwin: do you ever think of a different line of work? i mean, it is a very scary virus and a pandemic

oc: erwin, i went through a decade of academia for this. still going through it. and i need to pay rent and put food on the table!

levi is rolling his eyes in the background because this little shit said that with her whole chest while she was literally living off peanut butter.

erwin is also stressed with oc’s eating habits with particular attention to nutrients and calorie count. he tried giving oc an organic diet plan, but oc sat him down and debunked every single thing about trendy diets. she also bugs him stop dieting. “diets are not foolproof! erwin, you are 250 lbs of healthy muscle! one burrito won’t hurt!”

they once had a romcom movie night. it was cheesy and fun and perfect for unwinding. until the sex scene happens.

oc: why do men just stick it in? where is the foreplay?

hange: mhmm the male gaze has ruined men, amazing how men ruin themselves

erwin, turning red: do people really talk about detailed sex so casually? i mean we’re in public?

levi: yes, erwin, grow up

moblit, whispering: it wasn’t even detailed, erwin, please

he does go to oc when he pulls a muscle or strains something. she tut-tuts while wrapping up a joint or icing and stretching his sore muscles and tells him to take it easy on the workouts. he’s also started sending fitness health articles to oc, and oc patiently confirms or debunks each one with sound medical and scientific basis.

he lets oc use his gym. she works out in a sports bra and cycling shorts because she says it means less laundry for her. oc usually just runs (speedwalks actually, and jesus, erwin is itching to turn up the speed) on his treadmill for 20 minutes. then she cycles for another 20 minutes and calls it a day. he tried to take on the role of her trainer and gave her a workout regimen. oc makes it to five sit-ups, ten burpees, and a single 1-minute plank before she falls flat, gasping like a fish out of water, and gives up. she’s flat out on his gym floor, but she tells erwin she appreciates him. erwin had to give her a piggy-back ride back to her apartment though.

levi:you died after five sit ups?

oc: shut uP, LEVI

whenever she uses his gym, she leaves him food. a slice of cake, donburi from the japanese place, a salad bowl, fajitas, some mochi, a parfait. not once has her gift of food been a part of his diet plan, but he eats them heartily. he hides when he eats the desserts, even if he’s roomie-free. he just feels like he’s cheating too much.

he never quite gets used to oc. she’s nice and wonderful, but she still manages to surprise him. a lot. to others, it may seem like oc enjoys pulling his leg (to hange’s endless delight), but in reality, she’s just trying to help him navigate and acclimatize to the ever-changing modern society and social norms. levi notices, of course, and it only makes him fall so much harder 😌

it’s fun to clown erwin within reason, really vibing with the modern au erwin on here 😌 but yeah, this is how i picture their interactions and dynamics 😭

THIS IS PERFECT OMFG BYE!! I love, love, love the idea of just... slightly socially aloof, but very professionally proficient Erwin trying to make friends with Levi's.... well not his s/o but his very obvious crush at least LMAOOO. I love it, I really, truly do anon, you continue to deliver 😌😌

OC: Erwin, I went through a decade of academia for this. Still going through it. And I need to pay rent and put food on the table!

Levi is rolling his eyes in the background because this little shit said that with her whole chest while she was literally living off peanut butter.

HELP LEVI IN THE BACKGROUND BECAUSE HE WOULD 😭😭 LITERALLY LIVING OFF OF PEANUT BUTTER BYEEE the amount of unconscious lies Levi could expose oc for... I get the feeling he's /this/ close to strapping her to the dining room chair and spoon feeding her himself

Levi: you’re redder than a hot cheeto, your elderly highness

Erwin: what’s a DILF?

HELP THIS IS MY FAVORITE EXCHANGE LMAOO. Levi clowning Erwin, Erwin being too confused too even respond to Levi's jab; he's still processing being called a DILF, and I just know that Levi isn't gonna be the one to explain it, but god forbid Hange does lmfaooo

OC makes it to five sit-ups, ten burpees, and a single 1-minute plank before she falls flat, gasping like a fish out of water, and gives up. she’s flat out on his gym floor, but she tells erwin she appreciates him. erwin had to give her a piggy-back ride back to her apartment though.

Levi: you died after five sit ups?

OC: shut uP, LEVI

Okay first of all, relatable, bye... something about the atmosphere of any gym, even if it were privately owned by a blonde businessman, makes it impossible for me to actually work out 😭😭 The fact that Erwin piggy-backed her back to her apartment is so cute please, I know they never quite get used to each other, but the friendship they have going on right now is so damn cute in an unconventional way, I adore it. Definitely an unexpected pair of friends and they don't... /quite/ work, but they also do. Incredible

Also not Levi coming for her, listen, not all of us are built like you, also you know damn well she's been living off of peanut butter sandwiches, OF COURSE she was gonna die after a few sit ups 🙄🙄 if you wanna help her improve, then start cheffing it up smh

#💉 anon #this kinda erwin is so cute omfg seriously #this whole au..... is so very delicious bye

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