#my theory as a gender disbelieving adult is that i always actually wanted to BE my boy crushes not so much smooch them

[i-appear-misssing]

towards the end of the relationship i’d started rewatching house md with my ex, and all i can remember is how unpleasant and anxiety inducing it felt to be stressed and sad all the time and still in med school having to study while being stressed and sad and angry all the time. we had to stop watching cause it was giving me so much anxiety

I’m rewatching it now and yeah sure, it still kinda gives me anxiety cause there’s SO MANY things i don’t know and it makes me paranoid about every single patient i see with a stomach ache or dizziness but what’s weird is that i have no memory of the episodes from that last rewatch, but i do remember everything from when i used to be obsessed with it as a kid!!!! Like, i remember what i felt watching it when i was 12, nothing from when i was 26.I remember almost every episode’s twist ending from when i was a literal child and not an adult woman studying medicine.

 And it’s so good, being able to revisit those dumb feelings and recontextualise them knowing who i am and what i know now.  And my god, the way i used to be OBSESSED with house and cameron and like...........oh poor baby me. You understand so little about yourself. makes me wanna cry from sheer fondness

#and MY GOD how salty i used to be cause i knew she used to watch house with her ex before me #so obviously i had to be like I KNOW EVERYBODY LIKES THIS SHOW BUT ACTUALLY I HATE IT FOR THESE MANY SMART REASONS NONE OF THEM BEING YOUR #LAME ASS EX BOYFRIEND #it was in fact because of the lame ass ex boyfriend but it also was for x-many smart reasons #only now i can watch it and laugh about how dumb it is #AND I LOVE THAT I CAN DO THAT FINALLYYYYYYYYYY #man the 2000s were.......trash truly #but my god is allison cameron the reason i'm gay #like how could i actually believe that i wanted to kiss house when i was a tender child of 12/13 when i so clearly IDENTIFIED with #the egomaniac quippy asshole who somehow every woman on the show ends up pining for #and what does it say that my most gargantuan juvenile crush was on a boy who behaved almost exactly like that?????? #my theory as a gender disbelieving adult is that i always actually wanted to BE my boy crushes not so much smooch them #cameron on the other hand i might have wanted to smooch but oh the power of denial and internalised homophobia