#n uhhh this is a conversation for another time but im gonna be forever craving and never getting a genuine romantic n intimate relationship

[afternines]

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#i mentioned this on twitter circle but i need to repeat myself here just cause i can #i am forever stuck in the befriending someone > getting obsessed with them > getting sick n tired of the obsession > ghosting them n ruining #our friendship cycle #like tell me why im on twitter friend 184726 and ive gone through the exact same process with each n every one of them #currently ghosting my latest friend and it makes me SO MADDSD cause i spent the last few months having brzakdowns in her dms abt how im #terrified shell get tired of me and well stop being friend and ill end uo alone again #and she kept comforting me saying that wont happen!!! shell stick with me forever!!!!! and here i am doing the ol switcheroo ghosting her #I AM AWARE that im so very in the wrong with this because she didnt do anything wrong its just like a switch in my brain clicked and i cant #even look at her username without getting nauseous n it makes me wanna kms bc i wanna dm her so bad but i physically cannot get myself to #do it #which is so stupid like. just fucking click the dm and type some words goddamn #i alr know im gonna lose her over this caus ethats how i lost everyone else too and it sucks so bad bc the problem is MEEEE yet i cant get #myself to fucking fix it #i genuinely dont know what to do #im so desperate to have good relationships with other people but every time i do i just end up sabotaging myself #and im so fucking self aware about it but i cant do anything about its like. staring at a zoo animal from behind the glass except the zoo #animal is also me and its jusr staring back at me with eyes full of anger because im also the person who got me captive behind the glass in #the first place #if that makes sense #n uhhh this is a conversation for another time but im gonna be forever craving and never getting a genuine romantic n intimate relationship #because of how i keep sabotaging shit #sev mentioned this at some point and i was like :(. like i was genuinely upset for them but just now it hit me in the same situation #like i fully understand sev im sorry it took me so long to realise #jesus fuck man. not having a normal brain really sucks