afternines

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#will there ever be a day where im not nauseatingly upset at my own art? #how is this easy for others #how do people just sit down and draw. how are people consistent and consistently good #it always feels like im rolling an infinity sided dice. theres a small chance i succeed #theres a small chance i manage to draw something im happy with and proud of #but all the other times. i cant even bear to look at what i make #its like i regress after everything i create. like i forget how to creatz #how am i supposed to improve if i have to reteach myself everything every time #all im good at is tracing and copying. and oftentimes that fails too #its not fair #i just want to be good at art #i just want to be good enough to not cry at how i fail every time #am i really asking for too much

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#always the same #always #the same

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#uuuuuhughhhhhhhhhh #i hate this #she assures me that were friends n that she doesnt hate me n that i dont annoy her #but i still feel like i do :( #i know the world doesnt revolve around me and its selfish of me to expect her to jump up n down every time i speak w her #but sometimes i feel like shes talking to against her will #out of spite? #i wish i could stop thinking like this #especially when shes told me its silly. its wrong #i fele like crying

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#………. #even if i ever get into a relationship it probably wont last long cause im so unbelieving of the fact anyone could ever love me that much n #thats literally just self sabotage into driving my partner away #😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹

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#so fucking stupidjftdjfjdj #i want a boyfriend so bad #i wanna love someone and for them to love me so bad. i want to have someone special with someone #something special* #i wanna go on dates and buy gifts and talk till early hours #but im simultaneously so sure im inherently unlovable and that i will never matter to someone like that #im not good enough to be someones partner. i could never mean that much to someone #and im trying to hold out hope while at the same time trying to make peace with the fact ill be alone forever #and its killing meeeee #i wish things were simpler. i wish things just Happened and i didnt have to worry and overthink and beat myself up over it sm #im in a constant state of heartbreak

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#my babyboy (my cat) is getting punished because of /my/ mistake. because /i/ didnt listen to him when he was constantly meowing at me #and my mom is too angry at the both of us for the wrong reasons and im too scared to tell her the truth now but its fucking killing me that #hes getting punished even though its not his fault at all #i really fucked up #in so much pain i feel like im gonna die

[afternines]

why is he . Aaauufygtghehdbcn

#dgmw hes a nice guy n its awkward but nice talking to him but #i dont need another male colleague befriends me then starts crushing on me and develops saviour complex cycle #happened two times too many #can i PLEASE get to know someone who isnt present at my job. someone sweet and handsome i can fall in love with who wont try to play my #personal therapist #i want someone to be there for me but not in That way #can i just have something nice for once.

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#got a tiktok on my fyp of a guy proposing to his bf n just started sobbing . #what the fuck #like . oh my fucking god. imagine loving someone so much u want to spend the entirety of ur life with them #i feel sick #the way i will probably never get proposed to #i dont think anyone could love me that much #im so fucking sad man . love is so beautiful i want it too

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#i wish people could just straight up tell me . Hey we dont like u n its for this n this n this reason #but nooooo theyre all nice to me n tell me they care abt me n that im talented n so nice #when they rlly dont care abt anything i say or do #just fucking tell me what im doing wrong!!!!!! be harsh and honest!!! cuss at me!!!! tell me nobody fucking cares #im tired of hearing im good the way i am and that i did nothing wrong when people so obviously just ignore my existence

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#seeing twt mutuals actively talk to other mutuals n wishing them gm/gn and tagging each other in stuff kinda stings ngl #re my . im trying so hard to be interesting. post from a few days ago #i make fanart i make edits i talk abt jisung n tweet pics of him #i talk abt skz music and fashion n their stylists and photographers #just like . any of their other mutuals #but why am i the only one people dont interact with #why do i have to beg ppl to look at my art n give me pity likes. why am i always the one trying to interact w other. why does anything i do #just not matter to them #not even my . best friend likes my tweets #why do i not exist to any of u #just another community i failed to be part of #i dont understand #i just dont understand

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#‘you havent even experienced anything and youve already given up’ well damn okay thanks for the fucking remember #reminder* #what the fuck do u think i can achieve

[afternines]

like a scab i keep on picking. like an ingrown hair. ill always be in this room. ill always wear these clothes

trying to accept that ill never move from where i stand

[afternines]

trying to accept that ill never move from where i stand

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in a permanent state of grieving

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#IJBOC (i just burst out crying) #just realised my fam is just a bunch of nd losers with gifted kid burnout #my dad . can make any piece of wooden furniture my mom requests from him by just looking at it n he collects wood machines n bikes like #theyre pokemon cards??? #mom. has perfect pitch n played 482647 instruments when she was a kid. is hsp and has like 3 mental other illnesses n 17 kinds of trauma #wishes she could escape society n live in the forest with deers and sheeps and a cow or two #brother. unmedicated adhd with anger issues n a gaming addiction #me. LLLMMAAAOFIJSHXJDHXJFK #were all . nd and mentally ill and have/had some kind of addiction n it fucking kills me #we couldve been so great. but instead were all doomed #im so fucking sad. we all deserved the very best but instead were living This life #what did we do to deserve this #why didnt we get a chance at a normal. a Good life #god. #i dont even want kids anyway but this is just another reason why. i cannot guarantee my child a better life #i know im not the only person n were not the only family out there with this issue but god. life is so unfair #because its so clear we want to be happy and we want to enjoy life. but itll never get better than this. #if theres a god then hes cruel cause why would u put us on this earth just to suffer #just to live a life full of missed opportunities and possibilities #what did we do to deserve this.

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#and i cant even say i want to kill myself because i dont #i wanna be alive so bad and i want to enjoy every day and experience everything good that exists #i wanna be here so bad #but good things just dont last for me and im always consumed by guilt and i always feel invisible #and it hurts so much more #i want to exist and i want it to be good #why am i not granted that

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#am i selfish for wanting people to care about me? am i arrogant for thinking im worth caring for? #i dont fucking get it #am i just unlikeable??? #i keep trying so hard to be interesting #to be someone people have fun talking to #and no fucking looks at me #i dont exist!!!!! #wtf am i doing wrong?? #why wont anyone care about me??? #im so angry im so close to just snapping at everyone #and i wont allow myself to actually snap. because people wont understand. theyll think its misplaced anger #and ill actually make myself the villain #(if im not already) #but im so fucking tired #can someone for godsake just tell me what im doing wrong #what is so wrong about me #am i too boring? too dumb? do i make people uncomfortable? #i know i shouldnt expect anything from the internet but this is the only place i could find a community i could enjoy #and even here i am not welcome #why does no one fucking care #its not fair #what did i do to deserve this #i wanna be important too #i wanna make people laugh and i want people to look at my art and i want people to like my tweets #its so fucking dumb #but i wanna exist too #i dont want to speaking to walls constantly #it fucking hurts