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selfreflectionsnepal · 3 years

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Self reflections

Since i have been here in Nepal and as soon as i announced my plans to go, i have had people telling me they are jealous of me, my standard response to this is “i understand that, you are very welcome to come join me.” Which is followed up with a whole variety of excuses. i have heard it all, i can't because: “iI need to do school”, “I need to work”, “But what about Covid”, “It is hard to get a visa”, “I can't afford it”. Ofcourse these are hurdles, I do undertand that, but especially in the west we are so privilaged that these are often easily solved. So sometimes it frustrates me a little when they say they wish were here with me, for i would love for them to be, and see this version of myself that they might not know. To spend the mornings walking in the jungle and the evenings meeting the most extraordinary kind and unbelievably open people imaginable.

The way i see it there is really two options here, they either don't really want to be here in sunny paradise with me. Or, option two, they genuinely believe it is not an option for them. The first i am very understanding of, some people prefer the comfort of their own homes, the luxury state of living that the Netherlands provides us with, there is absolutely no shame in this. The second on the other hand bothers me, i want the best for these people, i know how miserable lockdown is making people, many of my friends are seriously struggling to maintain some form of sanity. Don't get me wrong here either, i am not one to shy away from a good bout of craziness, but their mind is deteriorating, it does not seem to be contributing to their life in a good way.

Often i have told people that if they are not happy with their lives they should look at it, analyse it, figure out what is making them unhappy, and see if there is a solution for it. Sometimes there is not(think for example the loss of a loved one), the world throws difficulties on our plate and it is up to us to make peace with this, which can be a long and difficult process. More often than not however, there is solutions readily available. This however requires admitting to yourself that you are the source of your own misary, and facing this angers people (so does pointing it out, as experience has taught me).

Of course it is not always smooth sailing even when following this philosophy, i am not a zen master who has found complete peace, who can accept the world for what it is at all points. i make mistakes, i get frustrated with myself and my failures. For example eating that egg-dish i had a bad feeling about yesterday which led to me throwing up all night, can't say i am feeling pleased about this belleache of mine. Though even this has presented me with the oppertunity and time frame to do my uni work in a way that genuinely interests me, instead of just gerugitating facts, which at this point i am so over doing. There is ofcourse much to learn from the bright minds of the past, but often when i long for it to give my own opinion, i am not supposed to, which leads to my grades being... well let's just say they could be better. I feel like often what i am saying is not even looked at in a serious manner, and that i am just being judged on my lack of form, my lack of sticking to the assignments, but i simply refuse to change. Not that i couldn't do the way i am supposed to, it would not be too hard getting better grades, but i would find no joy or passion in this, so if that means i don't graduate so be it, i will make the university ashamed of it out of pure mischievous spite. I am horribly bright, but also horribly stubborn, a trait that has been birthed from me being right more often than not, imagine in what hilarious situations this results when others actually make a good point, my giant ass ego is not to pleased about that, but i love that, i love bullying my ego, i love being proven wrong, and therefor love the people who actually have the balls to challange me in a serious manner, who actually listen to the intentions behind my words, though they are sometimes clouded and hard to explain, for they have made a lot of sense to me for a long time. So the process of deeping this out with another person, to see if there is any fundamental differences, is just incredibly beautiful to me.

I would love to be able to write in a way where i can also make people who don't deep this out understand what i am trying to say as well, but to deep out all the concepts and cryptic messages i tend to drop in my essays and personal writings would be a ridiculous amount of work, so i haven't quite figured out yet how and if and how to go about having a comprehensive layer of deeper meaning, and still speak about niche subjects.

Aside from being an obnoxious prick there is also other stuggles that I have been trying to learn to accept. I get incredibly lonely for example, a side effect from being a bit of a weirdo who got lost in the void. Here again i know i could probably solve this by living a normal life, find me a good man, job and some kids. But i am not willing to do this, for i want to live an extroardinary life, and for now i have not found a way to make these coincide, and at this point i fear there might not be (which is also possibly me putting up another wall, but sometimes we have to wholeheartedly believe and live something before we can realise how incredibly wrong we were. Maybe not a nececary process but one i enjoy nonetheless).

Reflecting on this it feels unfair of me to be in any judgement of people who believe they are stuck where they are, be it in sadness, insanity or a physical place. For maybe the process is a beautiful one, i get a lot of fun out of looking at the person i used to be, how silly and lost i was, and i am sure in 20 years i will feel the same about me now. It is exciting to think about what i might become, all the possible paths, the endless, or maybe seemingly potentiality of my life. I have been gifted a life full of options, i feel very blessed in this. I want to hold the hand of these options (there is too many to choose from, so i have started the impossible mission of doing all of them) and have them guide me somewhere beautiful.

The best way to make the lives of those who i love better is by making myself better, so i guess that is what I'm doing now. It is kind of strange, for what i am doing is completely selfish, but I want to become the best version of myself. And to do that, I need to make my mistakes, for that is the way i love to learn deep in my soul. (It also leads to some good ass stories, stories are something i believe to be at the foundation of humanity, both on a personal and communal level). I didn't however feel the freedom to make these mistakes at home. I don't want them to negatively impact those around me. And also in a more egotistical sense, the people at home have quite a good image of who Iris is, and i didn't wnat to destroy that, pure arrogance that is. But here in this hippie town i got lost in i can be who i want, even if i want to be a grumpy bastard, a hopeless romantic, a gangsters wife, a poet, an artist, an intellectual, a singer, a lover, a friend, a rebel, a small time criminal, a powerhungry bitch or a tired sad cunt with a bellyache. I can try out all these faces, and maybe at some point i will find one, or a combination of ones that suit me. Or maybe i am all of these. I don't feel static, to quote one of my favorite poems “My mother always told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing to north.” So for now i'll wonder about this earth, that is where I am happiest for now, and that for me has been the most important thing for a long time. The moving, and the change nurtures my growth. And If i return at some point i hope to inspire, not for people to follow my path, for everyone needs to find their own, but to inspire being unafraid. Unafraid of the future, which I can at this point say I mostly am. But also unafraid of the past, to not be haunted by the things that have occured, to practice forgiveness of the self and through this forgiveness of others. But babysteps, first i will turn inward, hide away in my cocoon, in hopes that one day i'll birthed a beautiful butterfly.

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teethstusks · 7 years

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Shmath!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, there’s new poly ship in town!

Okay, but I have lots of feelings for this one…

So, to start…

(Btw it’s probably better to call it sheitt)

Shatt

Shiro and Matt have been going out for ages!

They started going out not long after they met

At this point they’re just the biggest bros/lovers.

People from their class now they’re going out but people from the outside just see two bros doing stupid shit bc that’s the dynamics

Shiro’s the adventurous one that does stupid shit (since they’re quite young at this point?)

Matt is the brain… He also does stupid shit but he makes plan and thinks it through

I can imagine them sneaking out at night or sth

They’re the two bros who argue with teacher over typo for entire lesson

Sheith

Okay, me and @bird-ly already have hc for how Keith and Shiro met:

Our Grey A child, Keith, has just enrolled Garrison

He finds himself attracted to Shiro, not really knowing in what way

So what he does is that he challanges him to duel(?) well, just training fight

Altho Shiro wins the first time, invites Keith to spar again

And even tho Shiro’s already have boyfriend, he is the one to start flirting with Keith.

People who don’t know Shiro is dating Matt start thinking that he’s dating Keith, bc of their weird conversations in the middle of corridors, calling each other to private places, sneaking out and stuff….

He does feel guilty about it but. Keith. Is. Just. Too. Cute.

Matt eventually notices. He calls Shiro out on it.

Shiro tells him, he knows and that he’s sorry but while he loves Matt, he likes Keith too.

So Matt, the soft boy, tells Shiro it’s fine (after some arguing and Shiro proving he really does love them both)

He’s hurt but he likes seeing Shiro happy.

Shiro eventually ask keith to date him (and explains he’s with Matt too) Keith isn’t sure about it, but he says they should try

Katt

So, Matt notices that shiro is most happy when he’s with both of them, so he starts hanging out with keith too

They don’t really talk with each other from the start

until matt starts teasing Keith

He hangs out with both of them while they fight and it starts by him laughing at keith for mostly losing these fights

While he never lets opportunity to say something slip by, he never actually oversteps the boundaries and insulted keith

If Keith ever pouts because of being teased, Matt just musses his hair, grinning and apologizing

“He’s cute” matt tells shiro one day “Actually I might like him too”

He doesn’t tell keith, but he definitely joins in with Shiro’s flirting

“Your not that bad” Keith says one day (Which is like?? the highest praise??)

Pre-Cerberos Sheitt

So yeah, they’re hanging out now.

and going out

Matt actually does tell keith… eventualy…

keith is still unsure tho. So he hasn’t been kissed yet. What he knows is that he enjoys being around those two.

they don’t push keith into anything

Keith doesn’t have many other people who he talks to but he knows being with Shatt feels different and better in a way

It’s just that half of the people think that Shiro is dating keith and the other half thinks Shiro is dating Matt

so keith gets called out for cheating on Shiro with Matt

Which helps him sort out his feelings!

He doesn’t tell the person anything and just leaves them standing there cofused

He rushes to meet Shiro and Matt and tell them

thet he proBABLY LOVES THEM AND HE WASN’T SURE SO HE’S SORRY FOR DRAGGING IT OUT AND IM;;;;;

They’re both super happy! Like Matt jump-hugs him and shiro is like *o*

They become the happy boyfriend trio and tell few people but mainly work on having good time spend together

Shiro and Matt kiss each other and only cuddle with keith, waiting for him to decide if he’s ready

and

Before the Cerberos mission Keith kisses them.

Shiro first and then small peck to Matt

and tHEY MELT

They both want more kisses but Keith’s like “When you return from Cerberos”

EXCEPT THEY DONT HAHAHAHAHAHA

Cerberos Keith

So yeah, when he finds out he storms the headmasters room

asking where are they

yelling at them

blaming them

So he gets kicked out

he harms few officials as they try dragging him out

And lock himself in the shack

Hes trying to find them but eventually… slowly… gives up

staying in the shack alone for so long messes up his brain

he starts seeing things

seeing them

At first he starts catching glimpses

hearing the calling his name

As the time goes he convinces himself they’re both really there

Keith, sitting in the dark cottage, laughing, looking into the void as he whispers their names

(hc goes that hunk helps him kind of get out of this but lets not go in too deep)

When he starts sensing the energy, he legitimately thinks it’s them

Aaaaaand when the ship crashes, the reason why he says shiro slightly surprised is bc he expected matt too

HE IS SO GRATEFUL ANYWAYS he’s happy at least Shiro is there

Post-Cerberos Sheith

Shiro tells keith to stay calm and don’t go looking for matt immidiately. To stay for a bit and get some plan

(which sounds easy but) keith is still quite not happy with Matt missing (he’s furious lol)

what convinces him is when shiro tells him that Pidge is Matt’s sister. He asks him not to because of her. (he tells him, that’s why keith knows when pidge comes out)

That she’s already stressed enough, so that he stops freaking out

Keith starts getting better again.

So, yeah they wait and try to not think of Matt too much

except they both do

they don’t mention him, but it’s not easy to forget him just like that

Post-Season2 Sheitt

We’re getting rebel leader Matt (nobody tells me that we aren’t)

When they meet (maybe rescue?) Matt and his rebel crew Pidge is the first one to rush to him and welcome him back

She roughly tells him what happened when he was gone

He listens and has some quality bonding time with his sister

He then ask her if he could talk to shiro and keith

Turns out he’s been holding back from crying and once he’s alone with both of them he just bursts out crying

he hugs them and tells them how much he’s been missing them

Then keith kisses both of them again

AnywAYS REBEL LEADER TRIO

It’s like star wars - Matt as Leia, Shiro as Han and Keith as Luke

Matt is always the brain. He’s still brave af so it’s always something unexpected and hard to pull off

Keith is the best pilot. Natural talent. Usually end up being the key player in Matts plans.

Shiro is there to stop them from making shit too risky or impossible to pull of. Also, he’s the one who usually speaks to the masses and explains the plan, tells people what to do etc

Hunk and lance already know they’re dating but they dont tell/show it in front of othe people. (not into PDA much :/ )

(They come out to pidge once galra is defeated)

Domestic Sheitt

Okay, listen, altough they’re not into PDA, they love the cuddles

Especially Keith. While it’s something new he really comes to be the most physical person in the household

He’s the little spoon, having shiro form one, Matt from the other side (sandwitch lol)

Shiro is the one who always gets teased. (Especially the 6yo jokes)

Matt is the culprit in 99% of cases

Shiro is the only one that can cook. Imagine keith and matt sitting by table, both smirking as shiro in pink apron cooks

“Woo, look at that but” ofc loud enogh so Shiro can hear it

Also shiro definitely tried to make the “who’s doing what chores” chart at least once. Tried. It didn’t really work out

Okay, okay, this took way too long but here it goes. Man, i’m so deep in this ship… This just needs better name

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