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ih8paris · 3 years

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i hate paris

Do people still use tumblr? I’m so old. And I never used it. I don’t keep up with the times. I don’t give a shit. You know what? It all passes. Except facebook. They made a deal with the devil and really, was it worth it? I use facebook. I live in Paris and there are these groups for women, expats, cheap people like me that want free yoga. That’s what I use it for. And news. BBC CNN ABC NBC MSNBC, you get it and the posts. They report what the people supposedly want, but then we can see what the people are actually saying. Donald Trump won’t win? Look at voices talking? Look at the little people. It looked like he was going to win. What do you know, he did. But what if he had lost. What if Hilary didn’t get a handle on COVID and then Donald won in 2020? We would all be so fucked right now. Maybe we already are. Anyway, I’m not here to talk politics. I’m here to process my life choices and see if there were signs that I was making HUGE mistake.

So here’s the thing. I’m a bit untraditional. Growing up was shit. Chuck left and made sure to shit all over everything before he did. And the whole get married in your 20′s have babies get divorced get remarried have more kids bc hey you’re not old at 30 and this is the guy you actually wanted to have kids with. I rant but you get it. Traditional not for me. Also not traditional, i have some money. This money has paid for college, pastry school and yes this wonderful covid filled experience in paris: the city that hates me. I’m fortunate. I don’t live lavishly. It’s not that much money. I grew up poor, I pinch pennies. Then i do exciting things. Or maybe challenging things? I am fortunate and grateful. And guilt filled. I am given this gift and shit it away, trying make something out of this paris experience. It’s like a bad relationship where i keep begging to give it one more change. It will get better. I’m a fucking idiot. So here I am, you know third times the charm, right? Back in paris. Vaccinated. I’ve made connections with people. I feel confident that this will not be a waste. It will be fun. It will be educational. I will network. Gain experiences. Omg learn so much. Be able to travel. OH the hopes and delusions i had. But maybe we should start from the beginning.

Omg, which beginning. Paris, i guess, we can go back further when the moment calls. So 30 is approaching. I’ve moved back home. That’s story for another time. Remember my life is not traditional. So I’m home to help out and idk try to figure out what the fuck i want to do with my life. See the big mistake i made in my 20s was listening to people i don’t admire. i graduate with an art degree. my college exit interview said i am qualified to work at a bank or Kraft foods. no connects, recommendations. No direct. And my family keeps talking about getting a job, benefits, 401k. At one point a little later on, my grandpa was pushing for me to go into service. Sorry gramps, they don’t want me. My education was good. I learned a lot. They had good resources and a lot. But then nothings. So i worked at a bakery. I worked hard at this bakery. For more than a few months i worked 7 days a week. I didn’t have a life. i had money. Money i made. And apparently that was the most important thing, from the talks i keep getting from my family. And of course i wasn’t earning enough, so needed to work harder and climb the ladder. There is no ladder in a bakery. Whatever, I rant again. We’ll come back to this.

So 30. It’s looming. I’ve thought about grad school. The money I mentioned earlier. It’s had time to grow. The GRE expires after 5 years, not that i took it but 7 years after I graduated, i wasn’t taking it. So Europe. Europe is artsy. I would like to make good money, enjoy the work okay, but mostly make good money with the least amount of actual work. So teaching. My mom teaches. Computer programing. She’s the head of the department. She fucking hates it. The dude that was suppose to get that job, he died. It was sad. But they also didn’t replace him so when the other guy retired, it became her job. It was an unpleasant 10ish years. But again, I digress. So teaching. Work hard and play hard. And it’s always changing - ish. I guess as much as you want, or don’t. New students every 15 weeks. breaks at all the holidays. Summers off. And when you’re just about to get bored, you’re back at work. Maybe because this is the only lifestyle i know, but it doesn’t sound bad. I worked in an office of women in high school. That i for sure knew i never wanted. But teaching. College. Okay. I need a masters. Learn about MA and MFA. Start looking for jobs in Cali because life’s too short to fucking deal with the snow and mosquitos. Idk everyone doesn’t live in Cali. So now the plan is MFA. They are much more rare and more in demand at universities. More money - but this time i think chasing the money necessary bc Calif = expensive. Now back to looking in Europe. I love Italy. I would love to live in in Italy for more that just a semester but actually live Italian or close to it. The language makes sense. The people make sense. The art makes sense. And it’s omg gorgeous. Alas, no American accredited MFA programs I could qualify for in Italy. I don’t know if there were none but if there were, they would have been in textiles, or digital/graphic design. Which I don’t know anything about. I’m old school, metal work, drawing, printmaking - although so far we haven’t gotten along, another thing i going to try to make work before i leave this city that hates me, for good - painting, ceramics, you get it. I hate computers. I appreciate technology but my mom teaches computers therefore there was never a working computer in my house so we (my brothers and me) don’t do computers. So i find this school - in english and in Paris. Paris, so glamorous. Home of famous artists and their art. The Louvre and Eiffel Tower and Fashion. So okay, i check out their programs. One i have no fucking clue what it is. Still don’t. Another is Photography - pass. Graphics - no. List continues. Then i see Drawing. That’s interesting. I can draw, i draw well. This is a program i could probably get into. SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: you can get into any program. No program is ever full. It’s bull shit. Masters program. Undergrad = everyone is applying at the same time. Masters = ages range and much fewer people go. So don’t fall for that shit - EVER.

They have a one year and two year program. The second year is less than half the first year so makes sense to go the second year and get the MFA vs MA. So that works out. I’m reading and checking it out. Not sure what I’m looking for but in hindsight, i knew something was missing. Talk it over with my mom and her peers who are also teachers. Consensus - don’t be part of the first group. So i have an interview to get it - what a joke. It is also a time for me to learn more about the program. So i ask, is this new? How long has it been around. Answer: Oh no, it’s been working several years. Very confident. I didn’t have a follow-up, just said I don’t want to be in the first group. I said those words. Her response: Oh no no don’t worry. I was so naive. And yes this continued through the whole program. People’s personalities are what they are. So she lied to get me into the program and just kept lying. No respect for the insane about of money i was paying for this ‘experience’. No respect for the education i could have gotten somewhere else. Because this program had NO educational value. I’m not being bitter or dramatic. It was a complete waste of time and money. Then covid happened. Might have been a blessing in disguise. I can go into detail of the program later. This is just an overview of the beginning.

So, I get accepted. What a surprise. I’m now officially 30 and this - i feel- is my last hoorah. After this i will be an adult who can get an adult job and become an adult. But first i need housing. And a visa. Which is very confusing. So the French and Italians - Italians I am familiar with, tell you about it later. So they’re similar in that lazy, lack of thoroughness, that’s their thing. Difference being Italians own it, French hardcore deny. So I’m reading this paperwork and it says thing like you need to have all your documents before your visa appointment including plane ticket. Well I can’t go without the visa so why would i get a plane ticket? Cart before the horse shit - it’s very french, wait until you hear about banks.

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wreckshavocmoved-blog · 7 years

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i cannot believe i hit such a huge milestone recently. I’m blessed with such amazing people and writers on my dash. #shookaf yeah i’m going to make that a hashtag. i cannot express how happy i am that more than five hundred of you have stuck with me with a blog that i’ve only had since january. and though this may be something small, just know that i appreciate every one of you. thank you for giving me and my portrayal of veronica a chance. even if we may not write together, just remember you are hella amazing. i hope you guys have an amazing day/evening wherever you are.

stuntin’ gang

@vanityriot / @spellmage : OMG where do i even start with you? this has been such a wild ride. so wild that we got to know each other so quickly in a span of six months. and it’s weird because i feel like i’ve known you my whole entire life. i’d totally believe we knew each other in a past life ( :thinking face: ). i can’t believe you’re seven hours away from me and you’re the first person i’ve met on tumblr in RL, an experience that’s unforgettable. you know how b & v were forever forged, well rita and krislyn are forever forged. i guess we just knew from one meme that this was going to be it, that we were going to write reggie and veronica the way we’ve been doing. our writing and just in general, your presence, the vibes we’ve given off each other just cement how much you’re in important person you are in my life. i’m so happy and blessed to call you my bestie. i can’t believe we have so many similarities in interests and in our personal lives. i admire you so much, you’ve always motivated me to workout, to just be a better person in general. and i’m forever blessed by that. here’s to many more hangouts, drinking parties, sobbing about reggie and veronica, korean drama binge watching, and being there for each other. you know i’ll always be here no matter what. that’ll never change. just like somehow my day isn’t actually a day until i’m talking to you. #rideordie can you believe we were sleeping on each other until the river.dale fandom?

@valiidations : okay i couldn’t tag your other blog, but i hope you can see this. leela, leela LOML.the river.dale fandom wouldn’t be complete without you. i remember we connected over a rant about kevin. and i think i knew from there you were just going to be someone special in my life. i’m so honored we were able to explore kevin and veronica, the way we have, and how in a way our friendship mirrors their own. i mean that in the way that we’re very close friends. we’ve been through a lot of things and despite that i’ve always loved despite the hectic schedule going on with our lives, you’ll always make time to talk to me. even if it’s just a little hello. you don’t know how much that means to me, how much happiness i get whenever i see you pop up. you never have to apologize for taking breaks, i’ll always be here. same with everyone else <3

@welldriven / @leftown: lee, lee <3 wow, i can’t believe that this was another person i was sleeping on. i still remember being hella nervous to talk to you on jughead because your writing and your mannersisms were just so on point. and i’m like what am i doing ? i’m just this awkward mess. but we’re both cheese balls at the end of the day, we’re going to unite with that. your portrayal of all your muses and the love you put into them are just hella flawless. you know i’m always going to listen to whatever is bugging you. and we can definitely relate with a few things. next time, when we’re all united together we will be definitely going to that bar and yes we’ll have rum together. lol. i made you a promise about that and i’m not going to forget that. i’m just glad with how close we are and i can’t thank you enough for being there for me. also our snap rants stay iconic af.

@steeledveins : sam ! my OG meme dealer, my cooking expert, and lover of all things HOT DOG BOI!!!! i will never forget that we bonded over gordon ramsey and we watched kitche nightmares while i was in the process of moving. good times and also many more rabbi.t adventures. it’s facts that we watch movies together. you never fail to make me laugh all the time, you’re so ridiculous, and i appreciate that we have the same type of humor. i’m blessed to have met you tbh. and i’m always in love with seeing you thrive on roman, aka the only roman for me. we’re pretty much the same in how we put a lot of effort into our muses. like we’re extra af when it comes to research and you get my struggles when we gotta make it on point as possible. i’m always happy to hear your thoughts on roman and i’m always happy to each about anything else you’ve been willing to share with me. thank you so much for being an amazing friend to me.

@kefsana / @sonderlai : miza, you’re here because ?? honestly i don’t think my dash would be the same without you. i’ve always admired the way you write. how you describe how your muses feel with such precise words like it stays making me cry. i love all the effort you put into your muses, whether it be from something philosophical sayings or just the random back and forth in our conversations that are insightful. we don’t have to be in the same fandom, i just love to admire you and everything you do. also, no matter what i’m always going to be here for you. i hope you know that. so, just thank you for being a blessing in my life <3. still pretty convinced you’re real life sana ? xoxo @ithurielbled : i have to include you, you know you are my love even if we haven’t written anything on veronica. i love you and clary to pieces. you’re such a sunshine and truly your words always bring me to tears. you’re so good to me, like you’re always spreading positivity through our convos and i know you do the same with others. you’re always making me smile and i’m convinced you’re an angel. also the way you detail how clary views someone or even the metaphors you use are so well thought out. your writing is very beautiful to me. also i always die with your rants about SH, they crack me up so much because of your passion for clary, the books, and your ship gives me joy. it’s a highlight i look forward to after watching an episode. i love you <3

@dangeress / @heartlikegold : dani! i think what makes me cry about you is that fact that i somehow inspire you to be a better writer/ you admire my writing?? idk, i’m always shook that someone would think that way about me. like that convo that we had about that really touched me. so thank you for that ? but also thank you for being hella supportive of my ideas and just in general. regardless of whatever happens, you’ve always remained resilient through it all. and i just admire that quality about you so much. thank you for being friend and blessing me with your portrayals. good shit if i say so myself !!!

@ithurielblade : MY GUUURL!!! i think you’re such a blessing in the SH fandom and i’ve always admired your honesty with anything. i’m always going to be proud to be your friend, and even if we are not always in the same fandoms i know that we’ll always find each other. are you sure you aren’t tracking me? jk jk. though we deffo need one soon, i love our ps4 calls and just our bonding of animes or video games. i think ffxv will forever hold such a special place in my heart because it brought us closer. i’m not sure i can imagine ffxv without because of that 3 hour call lol and supporting me through that post game quest. lord oh lord. and also, thank you for being such an understanding and lovely friend. you are of course my shade to my himalyan salt. one half of the most amazing thing and best inside joke we’ve come up with. we’re forever going down in history like that. #matchingdiscordusernames

people i love and admire ( whether or not we’ve written anything doesn’t matter):

@steeledwill @joneshead @chaosblossomed @eatsboys @glossedlip @bravewitch @nightswarriors @crimsonuproar @atomicked @cinephiliac / @halfwithered @piinkperfection @scrveuse @daayaan @beedork @jerkisms @awesomegaydar

#( bias list. )#♔·→ ɪ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴄʜʀᴏɴɪᴄ ʀᴇsᴛɪɴɢ ʙɪᴛᴄʜ ғᴀᴄᴇ ( ᴏᴏᴄ. )#whether or not we talk often #doesn't matter i want to appreciate all of you #and no matter what all of you have made some sort of difference in my life #so thank you for being amazing af

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sweetredcherryblossomtree · 6 years

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I haven’t made a read more in almost a year.

I finally have been able to log back into tumblr on my laptop. I went back and read a few old personal posts from a year ago.

I used to make so many, like omg. Now, I can’t even make one because I’ll just delete it. I don’t have an answer on why but I’ll type something out and then close it out. Maybe it’s slightly therapeutic.

But nothings really changed. I’m still just as depressed, maybe even more. At least I don’t have school to worry about, just everything else.

Moving here has sucked. I’m not going to lie. I don’t like living here. I don’t hate this town, but I can’t stand the people in it. I think I probably just can’t stand most of the old people I have to deal with. They are so awful. SO fucking awful. I also hate all the bills and how I’m going to have to find a new job in a different location because I’m getting bad vibes from this one guy who comes in and keeps getting increasingly friendly with me. After spending about 2 weeks, sitting on the couch near my department for hours just staring at me and only saying hi when I acknowledged him, he finally introduced himself to me. He even shook my hand, but rather than shaking it, he held it. He HELD it. For like 20 seconds of incredible discomfort on my part. He also asks me when I get off of work and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. While we’re talking he’ll (VERY OBVIOUSLY, THERE IS NOTHING SUBTLE ABOUT IT) look me up and down about once a minute. And here is the thing. I know he has some type of mental disability but it doesn’t excuse his behavior. My coworker has been on the lookout for me and she’ll tell me when she sees him coming in and then she’ll cover my area for me while I hide in the stock room hoping he’ll go away. She told me that I need to stop being nice to him but I can’t??? I don’t know how to be mean to someone apparently?? (fucking lie) But because I know he has some disability, I don’t know how. And this was a huge problem I had in high school. I always attracted the weirdest people because I literally was the only person nice to them. And the reason why no one else was nice to them was because they were ridiculously unpleasant to be around. This one girl would follow me every chance she got and would talk nonstop about Annie and I HATE ANNIE. It is my least favorite musical in the world but I wish that was the only reason I couldn’t stand being around her.

But anyway, I hate my job so at least this is just extra motivation to find a new one.

But my depression is finally backing off as the weather gets warmer and it’s encouraging me to do the things I used to do again. Idk. Moving here hasn’t been great for me and it’s making Zach feel so guilty because even though I haven’t really said anything to him, he can tell. He said I can pick the place we move to next. It’ll depend on whether I’ll be ready to go back to school really, but honestly, I’d be happy to go back to Wilmington. Maybe even Wilson now that they have Uber (jk, you would have to pay me an insane amount of money to go back). I’m thinking maybe Charlotte though. I just don’t want to be stuck here, in a city filled with cranky religious nutty old people.

I could get into a rant about why I hate coupons. I don’t hate them but I hate the people that use them without reading them. I hate the people who fight you about clearly written out policy. I hate people who say “Hey, do you have a coupon I can use?” Because why the fuck would I have one??? Why??? It is your job to bring one if you have one and it means nothing in the world to me that you left it at home or in the car because I can not give a discount out of thin air.

A couple of weeks ago, I had to explain to a lady that what she was asking from me could get me fired and she told me that she didn’t care. She didn’t care that I could lose my job over her damned pair of shoes. A few months ago, one lady wanted me to report my coworker to my manager so she would be fired. Why? My coworker (who is absolutely a sweet and kind person) told her that she couldn’t go into the stock room to pee into a plastic bag. The bathroom is a minute away. Probably not even a minute. You can see it from my department.

I’m done with the middle aged and up. Some of them are so nice and wonderful to talk to. The rest of them can go fuck themselves.

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