#once again. uterus to a good home. dont want this. can it get on schedule PLEASE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

miss-perkey · 5 years

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alright here’s some good ol’ tmi uterus news for ya’ll

so ive had incredibly painful periods and cramps since I was in high school and they would last quite a while, like 2 weeks long at minimum

plus some good ol’ constipation. every. single. period

i was almost diagnosed with IBS at the time but was missing one symptom (which i later developed anyways so whatever) but despite the fact I had that issue with every period, my obgyn said it was unrelated

regardless, i got on birth control and it was much MUCH better. I had virtually no period for 3 years (I had the arm implant). After 3 years I got another one, and I had no cramping, but the constipation came back and got worse, and my bleeding was lasting a long time again when I did have a period. like a month or two at a time.

Even tho I had no cramps I was sick of bleeding all the time so I had the implant taken out and a few months ago I got an IUD. during the time between the impant and IUD where I had no BC, I had such horrible cramps I was nauseous and struggled to stand. My doctor said once I got the IUD it would help, but I would have some cramping for some months before they went away.

my cramps and bleeding almost got worse, despite it being a few months later. Ive been taking 800mg of ibuprofen in the morning, and another 800mg when I get home from work in the afternoon and some days that only helps the pain about halfway.

I finally call my obgyn and tell her, and she tells me that I need to take more ibuprofen and wait a few months for the IUD to settle. and since Im not taking this I say “LADY. I am taking SO MUCH ibuprofen and I am nearly passing out at work from this pain and Im light headed and nauseous. I cant wait.” so I force her to make me an ultrasound, even though she was reluctant and her idea was that maybe the iud was misplaced, even tho I told her the strings are there and I had these issues before and inbetween birth control

I went to my ultrasound appointment yesterday, and my technician found multiple fibroids in my uterus, ONE OF WHICH IS 7CM BIG. THATS 2.75 INCHES BIG, in my FUCKING uterus.the SIZE Of a small ORANGE. my technician said she hasnt seen one that big in someone my age, and I had others. I saw it on the screen and for some reason I assumed the giant ball was my bladder (wrong lmao). my technician isnt my doctor so she cant tell me much else and I have to wait for my obgyn to call me.

Today I get a call from a nurse, not my doctor, who said that ‘well your doctor said they found some fibroids and one is 7 cm big. She said if you are still experiencing pain you can opt to have them taken out’ YEAH NO SHIT I WANT THEM OUT. So she said she will have the next available doctor call me to...? Schedule? I dont know tbh. the phone call was so unhelpful. They didnt explain what a fibroid is, if its serious, what are my options, what is surgery going to be like if I need that, recovery, and most importantly WHAT ABOUT PAIN MANAGEMENT IN THE MEAN TIME. IM DYING. I almost fucking passed out at work the other day because of the pain. My parents are giving my pain meds and even fucking oxys aint helping sometimes.

anyways if I didnt have google to look up fibroids I wouldnt know absolutely shit about these and how they can cause all the symptoms I have had which include:

painful periods, long periods, frequent urination, constipation, heavy bleeding during and between periods, like literally all of it. and my doctor wanted to FIGHT ME for the ultrasound, she told me to take more ibuprofen and wait for my IUD to settle WHICH BTW is totally fine like I thought lmao

anyways I think Im going to call tomorrow for an actual consult or see if I can get some fucking pain management shit in the meantime? I really just want a real consultation. I have questions.

#Life of Perkey #the lesson for ya'll is to fight your doctor for ultrasounds #and also actual consultations which I need to do tomorrow #thankfully I thought I was gonna have endometreosis or pcos or whatever it is #i think fibroids is the better of the three cause Im already on birth control #and its not helping anymore #but i can have surgery for fibroids #so i dunno #this is fucked lmao #but im glad i have some answers

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jamieloveharris · 5 years

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four words.

“there’s no heartbeat today. i’m so sorry.”

those four words. the weight they hold and the heartbreak they bring. you just don’t think it will happen to you, especially not two times in a row. that’s not how our God works right? he won’t put us through this again. what did we do to deserve this? why us? why can teenagers get pregnant on accident who don’t even want the baby and people who couldn’t want it more have to suffer like this? it just seems so unfair. i understand how unhealthy it is to think this way, but it’s also just the reality of the situation and the real thoughts you have. it’s hard to find a starting point to talk about this because emotionally, you’re all over the place. sadness, anger, confusion, unfairness, bitterness, selfish, devastated. it’s hard to compartmentalize how you feel when you feel so many different things all at once. you’re never taught how to deal with grief and honestly, i think we all deal with it very differently. and there’s not a right or wrong way.

let me back up and start from the beginning. writing has always been an outlet for me (not that I do it much, but in my head I’ve written a ton ;) ) . I don’t know that it’s the right time to share our story, but is there ever? i feel like miscarriage is a topic that’s not talked about enough because it’s just hard. what do you say to someone dealing with it? how do you deal with it if you’re the one going through it? why does it happen? why can’t they give me an answer? a lot of times i think as humans, we avoid hard discussions because it’s just easier. and i know i’m guilty of that a hundred times over but now that i’m in this position, it’s become more important to be open about it even if it’s hard and even if it’s very raw emotion. chris & i knew we wanted kids quickly after we got married. we weren’t trying super hard, but we weren’t not trying either. when we found on february 7th, i was in complete shock and even more excitement. waiting for him to get home that day truly felt like the longest day of my life because i had to keep it to myself alllll day long (like literally from about 9am until 8pm when he got home from a work event). we had plans to go to the Biltmore Estate the next day and all weekend we couldn’t stop talking about it. planning out our future, and how the rest of 2019 would look. there’s just no words to explain it. fast forward a week and all of our plans were shattered just that quick. Sorry for TMI, but I started bleeding and hurting, and didn’t stop. I knew what was happening right away. I went to the dr as soon as I could and it was true. we weren’t going to have a baby anymore. you truly feel like your heart is ripped right out of you. we only knew a WEEK, but the love you develop that quickly for a child you’ve never met cannot be explained. you just instinctively make every decision from the moment you find out to do what’s best for your child. then it’s gone. it was confirmed on valentines day and the next 5-7 days were just pure hell in all honesty. physically and emotionally. you don’t know what to say or do or think. you also realize how common it is, and for all the stories you’ve heard of those people you know, and those you don’t who have gone through this, you realize you are now one of them. i TRULY believe that unless you have actually gone through it you cannot understand. you can empathize, hurt for someone, be unbelievably sad and sorry for them, but you cant fully understand. and i say that from experience of having so many friends and/or family go through it. you say all the right things but it doesn’t help. yes, you know “it’ll be okay one day,” and “i’m so sorry, we’re thinking of you”, and you do appreciate all of the love and support you get but you’re also just so sad.

fast forward again to march 22. we were close to closing on a new house and moving. i had not had a cycle yet, but that wasn’t abnormal since it can take your body 4-6 weeks to get back to “normal.” I had a pregnancy test in the closet from last time and just randomly took it. I really don’t know why and had exactly zero reasons to think i was pregnant. i put it down and started packing and kind of forgotten i had taken it. i walked back in and almost fell out on the floor. there was NO WAY. I mean, not a chance right? pregnant?!? I hadn’t even had a cycle and it had just been a few weeks. google, google, google. okay it can happen. what the WHAT? gosh we are so blessed, God knew i needed something to keep me going. these are the thoughts you have. again, i had to wait for chris to get home. i laid it on the table and when he looked at it, i actually got kind of upset because he thought i was lying and playing a joke on him (for reference: this would never be a funny joke to anyone, EVER. please dont try and do aprils fools jokes about pregnancy.) he’s like, we have to go to the store right now and buy 10 more tests, this can’t be right, it’s probably “leftover” from last time (lol, good try but no). so we went and it was true. i immediately called the dr and scheduled an appointment because I needed extra confirmation. and it was true, we were having a baby! due the week of thanksgiving. how THANKFUL are we? the holidays are amazing enough, but with a new baby? what a blessing.

you go through a lot of anxiety after you come down from the high. every day you’re nervous. every day you think you’re going to lose it again. every time you go to the bathroom you pray you’re not bleeding. you want to enjoy it and soak it all up, but you also want to protect yourself from heartbreak again. i didn’t tell many people. i wouldn’t even let chris tell his mom or sister because I didn’t want to “jinx” it. sounds crazy and I get that, but you truly try and do anything you can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. you know that doesnt really prevent it but you just can’t help it. then it happens, and all of your worst fears come true again. it was last thursday afternoon and again, i started bleeding but just a little. and no pain. i was terrified and called the dr immediately and said I need to come in today. i don’t care what has to happen but i just need to know everything is okay. it wasn’t okay. i rushed there as quickly as I could. they tried to find the heartbeat on the doppler from the outside of my stomach but i was early still, almost 11 weeks, so she wasn’t concerned at all since you normally can’t hear it externally yet anyway. i saw a dr (not my normal one) - she checked me and said my cervix was completely closed and i was most likely completely fine, “sometimes pregnant women just bleed.” WHEW, WE’RE OKAY. then i went to ultrasound feeling pretty optimistic. i felt so silly rushing down there because i was totally fine right. they tried to find the baby from the outside but my uterus is tilted so it was blocking it. they did a vaginal ultrasound and then i heard the four words. i was in shock. I didn’t say anything for probably 30 seconds and even then, i just cried. she took me back to the drs office and we just cried together for a long time. i just couldn’t believe it was real. but we had to talk about next steps and I had to have a D&C. it was late in the afternoon and scheduling was gone for the day so i would have to wait until monday. i couldn’t imagine waiting 4 days knowing what was going on inside of me but i didn’t have a choice. i dont even remember driving the hour home. i just cried. first thing friday i called scheduling and thankfully they were able to get me in that afternoon. it sounds very harsh, but i couldn’t help but feeling like i just wanted it out of me. i couldnt deal with the pain i had last time all weekend. i couldnt deal with the mental side of it for 4 days. and in just a few hours, i’m getting wheeled back into surgery and 11 minutes later, there is no longer a baby inside of me. and then in another hour, we’re on the way home and it’s just back to normal life but no more holiday baby, and no more telling everyone the good news. mother’s day is this weekend, and we had planned to tell chris’ mom. we COULDNT WAIT. just the night before I miscarried, i got on etsy and ordered cute little “big cousin” shirts for my nieces and nephew.they came in today. i can’t bring myself to open them, so i just put them in the closet. i was starting to feel a little less anxious last week, because i was so close to being out of the first trimester. i just knew it was going to be okay this time and all that we had hoped for was going to happen.

i wish this was a happy ending, inspiring post on why to not give up. i wish i could say the things like, “we now understand why we had to go through all of this pain,” or “all the heartbreak was worth it for our miracle”, and the list goes on. i’m not there. I don’t understand why. It doesn’t make sense to me right now. what I can say is that ONE DAY, i do think it will, and i do think we’ll be able to say those words but that day is not today. i think so often when people share their stories, it’s after they’re healed (as much as you can heal after something like this), and they have a happy story to report. i think it’s so important to understand there is an in between period as well and that it’s okay to not be okay in that time. i truly don’t know what’s next. i can’t say that we will ever be able to tell that happy story with certainty. i do hope & pray every day we can but the truth is that i don’t know. i’ve found myself almost feeling guilty for sharing this, because so many couples go through so much more and still may not have their miracle. so many have 10 miscarriages, and spend thousands and thousands on IVF, and their bodies are basically a needle cushion from all of the shots, and their life revolves around trying to create a life that they so badly want and here we are, having suffered through 2 miscarriages and i am writing like we’ve had it so bad.on the flip side, the truth is that a loss is a loss. whether it’s one baby when you were 6 weeks pregnant, or 8 babies when you were 12 weeks pregnant, the heartache is the same. i am so so sorry for all of those women who have gone through this, for those who are currently going through it, and for those who will go through it in the future. you are not alone.

i was so nervous to reach out and share with people, even those i know had gone through it. i can’t explain how much it helps to just talk about it and allow someone to listen to you, even if they don’t have the words to comfort you or make it better. truthfully, nothing will make it better except maybe time. maybe this time next month i’ll be a little less sad, maybe i won’t cry when i think about it. but maybe i will - and that’s okay too.

for whatever reason i also feel like it’s important for me to say that i’m choosing to share this because i hope that maybe just one person will read it, and feel encouraged to talk about what they’re going through or know that people do love you, and are always there for you even when you feel like you couldn’t be more alone. if there is someone experiencing what I have, I hope they’ll reach out and I hope that I can pay it forward to someone what so many have done for me during these last few months. i can say with 100% fact that you are truly not going through this by yourself and no one should ever have to. i could never put into words how thankful i am for my support system and those who have known about this journey and who have checked in on me everyday, and prayed for us, and cried with us. it does not go unnoticed. so if you have been a part of that this far - thank you :)

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