#one brother already suspects im gay or smthn.

[rappin-drakken]

I tell myself I use dating apps for kicks and then every time I open the app it just slaps me in the face that I don't want a relationship

#men? no thanks #women? no idea. too much indoctrinated homophobia inside me to confront that #flirting? never done it #i should just delete the app #like i imagine myself dating a dude and then imagine going on a 'formal date' and then we both show up in button downs and dress pants and #they wouldnt like it. but FUCK dresses. what the hell else should i wear?? smh #oh edit: also my mom would v much hate that i dont want to get married even though ive told her that many times #live thru your sons -- idk mom its my choice #no way in hell I'm ever gonna be pregnant. even the word "pregnant' makes me wanna barf #one brother already suspects im gay or smthn. #asked me once if the reason i didnt date was because i was abused sexually #no!!!!! get it thru your thick skulls i dont. want. a. man. maybe later in life but im FINE ALONE #i aint no one's 'better half' im a whole ass human being

[soldier-poet-king]

whining, complaining, family drama, religious-flavoured homophobia below

as if im just not already overwhelmed with the 50000 things going on in my life rn, my father has decided car-ride home time on days i commute with him is Free Therapy Time for him to vent about mid-life crises, my mother, my brothers, his work, everything and anything under the sun

NORMALLY i just kinda. zone out. add a lot of ‘uh-huhs’ and interject only when interested or needed bc i will absolutely lose my gourd if i had to sit there and process all of his shit but also he’s the only thing keeping us in house and fed and i know He Is Having A Bad Time, he’s too much of a stubborn cishet white man to listen to anything i try to tell him will help

TODAY THO. im just. already having a trying time with Life and Everything in General. he decides he has to bring up that a lot of the teachers in the religion department are apparently worried about the big bad govt coming for them for ‘saying the catholic truth about ~ gays and transgenders ~’. that’s already a can of worms argument im not going to have with him bc he IS expressly homophobic and i am trapped in a car w him.

The conversation moves on. I said smthn about a dead spider this morning i found in my room and how it was horrible bc im afraid of nothing more than spiders. and HE FUCKIN SAYS ‘oh but also boys’

IM “?????? HELLLO??????? WHAT THE FUCK??? 1) thats fuckin rude just bc ive never dated and brothers 1 and 2 are in long-term relationships, i /could/ just be a normal straight person who’s had bad dating luck, wtf does he know 2) he follows this maybe 5 min after his THE GAYS comments???? this is not the first time he’s brought up some of his students that he suspects are ‘gays’ or ‘struggling with gender identity stuff’ and he’s usually horrible about talking about it and i feel fuckin awful for these kids, and he ALSO always tries to give me absolutely bullshit youth ministry young catholic resources he picks up from his school (and they’re terrible, exactly the sort of shit you’d expect, idk how to explain to him that i absolutely hate that shit but am still more knowledgeable about religion and more devout than these absolute CHARLATANS and also my father knows SHIT ALL about ANYTHING like his religious knowledge is LAUGHABLE and im not saying every single catholic has to study theology and philosophy but like ho ho holy shit you’re letting this mans teach ur children about religion?????)

 but has he been saying these things this whole time not just bc im Free Therapy but bc he is like. “yes here is my adult probably lesbian daughter and i have to remind her to be A Good Catholic even tho i speak so shittly about queers.”

im just??? so it’s like. live with this knowledge and suffer bc im not dating and probably never will given im not seeking out anything. or?? be like ‘actually no i dont date bc queer issues even tho i technically could be licitly catholiclly married bc bisexual but MOSTLY its bc u and mother fucked me up so severely that i cannot even conceive of having a romantic relationship or children so that gay shit is just extra added bonus’

i am going to end up like this one single middle-aged lady who works at the church who is Definitely A Lesbian but is also mean af and parishioners have This Vibe (derogatory) around her.

also lmao at the fact my father truly cannot just. believe a person could want to be single for non religious gay trauma reasons. aroace ppl???? never heard of them

fuck me. im changing my name and moving. i cant actually, but holy shit please let me leeavveeeeeee this hell. i cannot be a Whole Person in the place i grew up and was traumatized in.

i can speak of duty and obligation and all the wonderful things i have ahead of me all i’d like, im still. just. tired of this shit. and im exhausted by the prospect of The Rest Of My Life Being Like This Forever, Thara Celehar we truly be in it

#ill be fine i needed to type this shit out before i fuckin screamed #and now. i am going. to go do some hwmrk #and then watch the second half of last night's exu special\ #i wont be done in time to catch tonights #but i might read a book. play video games. idk do smthn #IM SO FUCKIN MAD AND UPSET #i might make a drink. i have an ulcer but also maybe wine #is what i need #OH THARA CELEHAR WE'RE REALLY IN IT NOW